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No. 1970
It's been a long time. But let's see if I can remember how this goes.
>>168 filled. Kinda.
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"What are you doing? Stop! This isn't physically possible!" The mechanical, feminine voice of GLaDOS rang throughout the testing facility, wrought with stress and vexation. She prided herself as being the perfect scientist. She had no other concern, no other duty, than to perform tests in order to further Aperture science's portal research. Humans would make mistakes (oh, they so often made mistakes. She had made a chart of common human mistakes, such as misjudging their momentum through portals, failing to use their depth perception correctly, dying, etc.) but GLaDOS did not. She was far beyond the creatures that merely served their usage and then failed, providing her with her precious data. There were only two noteworthy humans she had met. The girl she would rather not mention and this...person.
"Bang! Man, this is all so easy!" This boy should have died twenty-three times already. It was physically impossible to jump twice without hitting the ground - to do so would require a pocket of air to become solid for him to propel himself upwards again after the initial leap, but given that air didn't rearrange itself at one's will and there were no changes within any of the test chambers where he performed this manoeuvre, it simply couldn't happen. Yet it was and it was driving GLaDOS insane. She was meant to be testing the portal device and human ability to use it, not the apparent human ability to bend reality for an extra boost in jump height!
It didn't help that the boy would not shut up. GLaDOS could no longer tell which was worse, the mute antics of that girl or this boy's constant egotistical chatter. "Hey, these tests are a piece of cake! Speaking of which, I'm getting real hungry. When are ya gonna give me a slice? C'mon, I've earned it by now! Dya see the way I got over that chasm with that freaky sludge at the bottom of it? Pretty impressive, I know, and I wasn't even trying! But that's why I'm the best. I bet none of your other tests subjects did that, am I right? See, the thing is I'm kind of a big deal. Force of freaking nature right here! Ain’t none of your tests gonna stump me. See I’m not only fast, I’m smart too. I’m probably setting a record for how fast I’m doing this!" He crowed, strutting around with his chest puffed out like a peacock.
“Enough! You are not the fastest test subject to complete these chambers!†GLaDOS cried out in exasperation. “While your forward momentum is quicker than any other test subject, your mental abilities are far, far more lacking! In fact, you are one of the slowest participants on record for this test!†She watched him through the security camera in the chamber. His build did not suggest he had any unique abilities. But then again, it also didn't suggest how annoying he was either. She was hoping her cutting observation would dent his incredibly inflated sense of self worth, bother him in some way, just as she had always been trying to take that girl down a mute peg or two. The irritating boy didn't seem to care, chuckling and swaggering around the chamber.
“Man, you’re lying! Ain’t no-one faster thinking than me. ‘Cept maybe Hardhat. But he’s all book-smarts, he’d be asking for a wrench to try and make one of these babies for himself.†He waved the portal gun around carelessly. He hadn’t cared for any of her insults, reacting with either ridiculous threats or smug brush-offs. GLaDOS recalled how long it would take to pump neurotoxin into the entire facility and then recycle the air so it was clean for the next subject; ten minutes to fill the chamber, three to ensure the subject was really dead, and another ten to filter the air clean again for the next subject. Twenty-three minutes to kill this insufferable moron and she could continue her testing in peace.
The boy hadn't stopped talking. "See, I keep telling Engie he's gotta be thinking outside the box when he's building his shit. Cos I gotta look out for him! He tries to hide behind his sentry during battle but when that stuff gets blown up, you know he's gonna be calling out for help and needing cover to get some where else to rebuild all his crap. But I help him out! You know why? Cos I'm a fucking team player. You got that? I keep an eye on all And he builds those dispensers too, they're pretty damn awesome!"
"That's enough!" GLaDOS interrupted, curtly. "I'm afraid you are not suitable for this series of tests, or for any tests run in this facility. So I will activate the neurotoxin now. Goodbye." The boy's demeanour snapped quickly from coolly talkative to indignant shouting.
"Hey I finished all your stupid tests! I freaking aced them! You ain't gonna get another test subject like me! You know it, don't even try to kid yourself! Forget this, where's the exit? You can take all your tests and shove th- wait wait! I ain't leaving til I get my cake!" He pouted and folded his arms like a petulant child, clearly convinced he was being conned out of cake. As the neurotoxin took effort his surly posture quickly broke into something akin to a headless bird, limbs flailing and high squawks falling out of his mouth, before he slumped face first to the floor.
Thank goodness he wasn't immune to the poison.
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On Dustbowl, the Scout jerked into a sitting position, frowning. Now he wanted cake. Fuck. Beside him the Soldier appeared, grumbling and adjusting his helmet before spotting the runner and glaring down at him, white of his eyes just visible under the rim of his helmet.
"And what are you doing? Get up! The war isn't over yet, we still have sons of bitches to kill and points to cap!" He grabbed the Scout's hand roughly and yanked him up with unnecessary force, smacking him hard on the back before lumbering out himself, rocket-jumping into the fray beyond the respawn room. Scout just rolled his shoulder and pulled out his scattergun with a huff. He'd heard respawning was like taking a nap but he'd never heard of freaky dreams during it. Whatever, he thought, it wasn't as if he didn't spend his days listening to some cranky, demanding witch anyway.
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