....I have one word to say and that's whatthehell.

Beautiful. You've taken a writing style/story/perspective that is very often horrible and a bitch to get through for the reader and somehow made it very lovely. I can't believe this is your first fic.

[spoilers] Archimedes?! [/spoilers]

Okay, you've caught my interest. I managed to guess who each of the teammates were, now what the Jesus is the person...bird...thing?

>>4

I'm just gonna sit here and fail all night. Derp.

Well, since I'm here, I might as well applaud both your style and the way you describe the characters. That can't be easy when you're writing from the perspective of a bird...person...possible horse...thing.

>>1
Ah crap. I wrote that and forgot to fill in my name. What a wally. Oh well.

I only manage to write fic when bitchslapped by vivid, borderline-surreal dreams. Which then get splatted across the page un-beta'ed, because I'm crap like that. Sorry. I'm still wincing at a couple of typos that I've only just noticed.

>>4
Essentially the protagonist is a nameless hitchhiker, probably female, that Medic kidnapped and modified in the image of one of his beloved doves, for eventual use by the rest of the team. I tried to leave as many details open as I could.

Sorry about the clumsy 'hoofbeats' metaphor.

So are they all fucking a harpy or what?

>>7
More like they're fucking the closest thing Medic can make to an angel. Still has arms. I deliberately didn't describe her feet to leave it vague.

>>6

I can dig that. And no, it wasn't a clumsy metaphor, it's three AM and I'm at the 'drunk' stage of tired. :)

IIIII loved this, for many reasons.

So even though parts of this really BOTHER me, I like it! My first reaction about reading the part with the Heavy was, "aww, I love that he's so nice!" but then I remembered that, oh wait, they're ALL taking advantage of/possibly raping a kidnapee that was brutally mutilated for their own desires.

It's super dark, but there's a really interesting look into all of the characters that I just really like for some reason. So great job, you've written something that legitimately has me pondering things, and that's always a sign of a nice work.

soo will there be a second part to this? id kinda like to know what happens to that strange creature.

I won't lie. For a bit there, I thought it was FlyEngie.

It's certainly interesting, though. I'd also like to see more.

Wow...I've spent the better part of the day thinking about this fic. Even published authors tend to forget about the psychological aspect of captive fics, but I like the way you've characterized each class. Moments like Spy using more variety than the others and Sniper feeling both lustful and guilty are pretty horrifying, but they feel terrifying in-character; it's like each class reflects a different type or aspect of domination.

The scariest part of the fic for me is that AngelCaptive here seems to have a beak. o_o Keeping a captive? Bad, but who doesn't want to feel powerful? Turning the captive into an angel so Medic can feel like he's fucking over God? That's actually a bloody brilliant concept that'd make complete sense for him. But literally giving her a beak? I'm playing through Bioshock right now, and this still scares me.

tldr; Awesome fic, scary, great character moments, prolly turned me on more than it should have <.<

Hood? Jesses? Medic doesn't know if he wants a dove or a falcon?

>>12 Dunno. Mus said it was a one shot.

>>14 She is described as having lips so I don't think she has a beak. But it looks like Medic swapped out her voicebox too. Poor thing.

Captcha: ydesc surgeon

This was quite good, all around. Dark, but very good.

>>15 Oh. There were lines about the how she can only eat grain paste and kissing some of the characters in little pecks, so I assumed she has a beak. I suppose "pecks" could be figurative, though, and the Medic could've done something weird to her digestive system. Still, there's a line about Sniper ("thin one") that her lips could speak, which implies that if she doesn't have a beak, the Medic has at least tried to modify her lips somehow.

*Sniper surprised that her lips could speak

I've read hard core gay rape without a care in the world, but this?

This makes me feel unclean.

...

Take that as a compliment.

The strangest thing for me is that I dreamed it, and despite the vividness of the imagery, the most horrific aspect for me is the protagonist's detachment. That this is their life and they know no other.

>>11 >>14
Thank you. As a relative newcomer to the fandom, I don't really feel confident yet in direct characterisation of the actual Classes themselves. I do have a bit of an understanding of the Mad Scientist mindset though.

>>19
Thank you. I guess my forte may be less the guro than the shapes-of-shadows sort of horror. I certainly can't match the lyricism of writers like Toxo - the writing in "Snuff" still makes me shiver.

All that being said, could I possibly ask for concrit?

One concrit coming up:

From the writing style, it was sometimes hard for me to tell the overall intelligence/learning of Angelcaptive. On one hand, she's a captive with few memories of her previous life; on the other hand, she sometimes uses pretty phrases like "lilting and syncopated" and "fragments fly around like leaves in a teacup," even though you wouldn't expect a sheltered slave to have such eloquence. Does the medic allow her to read? Maybe it can explicitly be stated that she likes forming poetic phrases without without remembering how she learned to do so. Or maybe one of the classes can sometimes sneak her a book and a light source without or without the Medic's permission. (The Heavy does have that pHD in Russian literature.) Basically, I think the captive should either use simpler language or there should be an explanation for her relatively strong grasp of language.

My other suggestion is to ask for even more detail in a couple of places than is already there. Perhaps you can explain what things Demoman says that Angelcaptive can't understand, or give examples on the scandalous things Spy says about his teammates. >.> What I would most like to see is a description of how the Sniper shows that he "lives and breathes with guilt," especially since it seems that the Sniper drove Angelcaptive to the base out of the kindness of his heart without any idea of what Medic would do to her. There's a lot of potential for implied delicious psychological torment there.

i read this story and immediately knew what its about!

http://www.Sparkledog Central.com/download/243585151/medic_and_fluttershy_by_dannyboy2010-d410vi7.jpg

seriously
people
fucking
sage

(SORRY, BUT IT'S TOO SOON FOR SAGING)

The story is only one day old. Frankly, I'm not going to ask people to sage any sooner than three days to a week after an update.

I know I said it was a oneshot, and it stands as it is, typos and all (dammit). But the voices in my head won't leave it alone.
___________

Poulette - En brisant - Un

***

Yeah, I like her. So what? She’s real pretty, especially when it’s kinda dark and you can’t see all the scars. I mean, I dunno what Medic’s got goin’ on in dat weirdo head of his – when he’s got that scary faraway stare I ain’t gunna argue with him, yanno? – puttin’ wings on her an’ all like she’s one o’ his fuckin’ pigeons. But with his medigun, you’d think he could at least heal her properly without the scars an’ all. She’s covered with ‘em! At least they’re all faded white instead of angry and red; otherwise she’d look like a fuckin’ candy cane. Fuckin’ small mercies.

No, I don’t know her name. How the hell would I know? It’s not like anyone ever fuckin’ tells me shit. And around here, if you talk about goin’ ta see Her, everyone knows who you’re talkin’ about anyways.

It’s fuckin’ sweet knowin’ I can see her whenever I want, and she’s always smilin’ and happy ta see me. Especially after I started takin’ that fuckin’ stoopid leather helmet-thing offa her head. It’s gotta weigh, like, three or four pound or sumthin’; I always rub her neck after I help her get it off, and it gets her all hot and then she kisses me like she’s tryin’ ta breathe me in and it gets me all hot like bejeezus. I mean, fuck, she’s all bendy an’ she makes dese really hot high noises like she’s tryin’ ta keep it in, an’ gets all tight around me when she comes an’ bites my neck an’ I fuckin’ pound her ‘till I come so hard I fuckin’ see stars, man.

She’s real soft an’ likes ta cuddle afterwards. I don’t blame her fer dat – I’m fuckin’ amazin’ at everything I do o’ course – and it’s really nice. I’m not some kinda girlyfag kinda dude who talks about feelings and stuff, but I’ll fuckin’ beat your head in if you ever tell anyone what I’m gonna say now. Sometimes y’know, a guy can’t sleep, and I go see her and just.. have her put her arms around me. And I look at her face an’ dose big grey eyes an’ dat sweet dusty birdy smell of her an’ I drift right off right there in dat nest of blankets. Heh. Nest? Like a bird? Hehe..
Umyeeah. Like I said, brudda? Tell anyone, and I’ll shove my bat right up yo’ ass.

It's kinda sweet in a strange sorta way...

This was something I typed up before this next chapter of Poulette, but couldn't put up because I was traveling for a while.

--

I can't explain why, but I don't really like this fic. It's not that it leaves me feeling really "unclean" or anything - on the contrary, it feels really emotionally distant like a lot of the Ikea fics I grew up seeing on FF.net. It brings up a lot of interesting concepts, but just leaves me feel really meh about everything.

Maybe it's because you're trying so hard to keep things "Vague". Maybe it's because your character is shellshocked or something. But I'm sure the real reason is because you tend to "tell" us everything that happened and the character's feelings instead of "showing" it. Some things work better as a oneshot, and this is just not that kind of story. If I were you, I would do this all over again and dedicate at least a chapter to each of her (first?) experiences with the guys.

With that being said, it's a real disappointment that no one has given the crit this story needs. Mimi came the closest, but I'm just in awe that people continued to lavish this fic with praise and say it's really spectacular, when it, in fact, needs a LOT of work, and I think is subpar to Chan standards.

Mus, don't take this the wrong way. I'm happy you're here, and happier that we can help you improve. I just feel like the chan has gotten a little complacent and gives out compliments more freely now, as opposed to REALLY making you work for it. Troll fics and obviously bad neko kawaii bullshit aside.

--

EDIT:
Okay, I see you've added a chapter of narrative from someone else. It's pretty good, considering we can tell who it is without them expressly having their name mentioned, but it's still a little too much. Scout doesn't feel like a real person here - he sounds like a character, which is not what you want. Remember - all good things in moderation.

Tone down his "voice" - once we get the first few hints, you don't have to keep bashing us over the head with THIS IS SCOUT. The last little sentence... paragraph thing could have been left out completely in my opinion, in fact. But I'll cut you some slack since it seems you just weren't too sure where to end it.

This doesn't quite resolve all of my issues with this fic, though. One thing I'd also like to mention is that I'm not a fan of first person narratives. They are anus-burningly hard to do, and, honestly, I don't think you're there yet. Not even close. Try Third person. ALWAYS start with third person, then branch out.

Like I said, still not sold, but I'll keep my eye on this, sense I think you have potential.

>>21
Thank you for your help, Mimi. I really appreciate it. I actually had a backstory worked out for her, but am trying to find a way to let it show bit by bit, given her chemical- and trauma-induced partial amnesia.

>>22
Oh. Um. Really not. Really, really not.

>>27
Wow.
Anon, firstly, thank you for your input. I am trying to be honest about being new to this and to the fandom. And I am glad to be given a chance to try and to improve. I have very little experience in writing, per se. Got to start somewhere.

I can confirm that the idea of the original piece was to emphasise the dreamlike, PTSD-disjunction of the protagonist. Especially the fact that the only strong emotion she was capable of in her damaged state is her fear of Medic.

I guess I was trying more to convey an emotional impression rather than characterisation. If you were looking for a sense of solidity for the individual classes, you might indeed consider this subpar.

With regard to the second 'chapter', again I was aiming for an interview-style monologue for Scout. He always seems to me to project a character first off, with character insight coming when his speech slows.

...Is that you, Cat Bountry?

...Is that you, Cat Bountry?
Haha, best compliment ever.

No, I'm not (Cat Bountry wouldn't go anon anyway - they've got bigger balls than me), but I am a writer who's trying to make a name for themselves on the chan and is always looking to help out others when I can. That's all I'm really going to say, but I'm pleased you didn't just disregard all of my advice. Thank you, and I look forward to seeing where you go.

>>29
As you say you are a writer who's trying to make a name for themselves on the chan, I would love to know what name you write under so I can learn more. I'm only just starting out here.

Mus,

I will admit this, I like it but don't. Strangely enough. I have read this a few times, mixed reactions each time. Sometimes I can read it the whole way through and nod at the end with understanding. Sometimes, I just can't stand starting it. It might be me and my fickle reading moods *shrugs*.

Im surprised that one of them wouldn't use a name or something. It feels as if she was being vague intentionally. But then, I don't know if it is intentional.

Meanwhile, I will have to say this, writing third or first person has different challenges but are not potentially easier or harder than the other. For instance, at times, its easier for me to write first, and times third. Since the character here is not portrayed by the game, it would be just as hard either way. But if the writer sees it in first person, then thats what you should write.

One thing I love is her language. I love the idea of a person using quite sophisticated language. The eloquence is beautiful that her internal voice has. She is your character - remember that.

But I don't like how I can't feel her. I can't feel her expressions. She sounds as if she would be rather intelligent, but doesn't actually seem to try to acquire her previous intellect. She doesn't seem to try to understand them either. Stockholm Syndrome is something whereby she should be relating to her captors - especially if this has happened for a while. Her captors do seem to be bonding with her, but not to the level that I would expect. Does Heavy speak to her often? If she knows what he is saying, is it in Russian or in English?

The bit that is the Scout - I would agree its a little over the top. But in saying that, you can craft it that it isn't. Being so short, is it an interview? Writing a book? Chatting to her? Monologues are strange to read without some kind of reference for us. He might be slinging it with someone - your character even.

Overall, I find it lacks that little oomph that would take it from feeling a little disjointed to something that feels more complete. Or maybe I am just not relating to her enough

By the way, this took me ages to write - because I had to think about this a lot.

Meanwhile, my work is rather atrocious, so maybe I shouldn't write out this kind of review, but I know what I like.

Maelgwyn

As funny as it is? I think the original portion of the story should have been a second-person narrative, actually. It adds to the dream-like quality, the sense of here and now, and decreases the distance between reader and narrator (even if only in an artificial way.) That said, I think having full amnesia was a mistake. Not only is it unrealistic (real amnesia is typically partial) but it's especially frustrating when she's the one narrating. It's fine as long as one of the men is the narrator but with her in the driver's seat, it simply leaves her empty. I think ignoring her name was fine. She might have wanted to forget or else crafted a new name for herself that she isn't willing to share or even simply but slyly glossing over it would work out. Giving her some vague memories of her past is more important. It doesn't have to be anything poignant. Simply something to make her feel like a person, in spite of everything that the Medic has done to her. Perhaps something to tie into her impressions of these nine very different people.

Honestly, I feel perhaps it would've been better if it was more fleshed out. More showing, as someone else mentioned. I think the idea is fine, in and of itself. It might have even been extremely interesting if it had a twist at the end, where the main character actually woke up to find it was a dream. Either an IRL player or Ms. Pauling or even the Administrator. It being Admin would be weird as fuck and her reaction to it would be very interesting... It's definitely not how she'd act in that situation but dreams often contradict reality, so it's not impossible for her to have a dream that was obscenely weird and somewhat degrading. It might be even more interesting trying to explain why she'd ever have such a dream, though that would only work well if a) it was simply amateur guesses that 'd make sense to anyone or b) you felt like digging through some psychology for a 'better' answer. Off the top of my head, perhaps she was starting to feel trapped by her job as the Admin to their battles and she feared she was losing control of the mercenaries?

Sorry I took forever to respond to this story, Mus. I had to think about this for a long time and look at other people's replies before I could even form a concise opinion. I love dreams in stories. Unfortunately, once they're in a story they need to abide by more literary qualities than an actual dream has or they need to be tied into such things, in order to make them truly amazing.



>>27

A serious question then. Do you have any tips for writing first person? I rarely use it but sometimes it feels right and I am always looking for ways to improve. I think everyone here would be grateful for anything you could recommend, actually.

>>21

Forgot to add, I totally agree with Mimi. Especially regarding Demo, Spy, and Sniper. :1

Read this when it was first posted, but I'm lousy with criticism and didn't have anything useful to offer in that respect. That said, this is beautifully written, but it creeps me the hell out. Up to you if that's a bad thing or a good thing.

Hmmm...now that people have brought it up, I suppose I feel more ambivalent about the so-called "vagueness" of the story. I'm a fan of classic modernist and post-modernist work, so I've read far more abstract pieces that contain less plot and more stream of consciousness that are much harder to get through. >.>

In terms of characterization, I personally don't feel it's vague. For the captive, it seems that she has to squash the individualistic parts of herself in order to survive in her current environment. If we don't know much about her as a person, then it's because those parts can only be coaxed out in an environment healthier than the one she's currently in. I'm personally glad that her back-story will be filled out bit by bit; perhaps then we can see her gradually remember more and thus become more rebellious as the story continues. Honestly, if she'd begun the story as full-fleshed as a person who's been free all her life, I wouldn't have believed her as a character.

In terms of plot, I guess I might be able to call it vague. After I first read the story, I kept imagining scenarios in my head: the captive's first meeting with Sniper in the van, her first meeting with the Medic and how he subdued her to turn her half-bird, what would happen one day if the opposing team attacked and unintentionally destroyed part of the base thus leaving her to run free, etc. I suppose characterization and the shell-shocked mood of the story could have been enhanced if there had been more concrete plot details, but the fact that some of us were fascinated enough by the story to start imagining stuff on our own is great. The initial one-shot could've provided more detail, but the details it does provide create a surreal mood with interesting psychology; it creates a protagonist who senses that her current circumstances are wrong even as she pines for affection from her captors, and it portrays the classes showing different kinds of guilt and predatory behavior. I personally can't see how the one-shot is "subpar," but I suppose to each their own. :)

One critique I'm going to make in addition to the stuff I already said about style and showing is to give a description of what the Captive does in her spare time. Since she presumably doesn't spend all her time being fucked by the TF2 boys, I wonder what she does trapped in a lightless room all day. Sing songs and translate them into foreign languages she knows? Do math problems in her head? Make up stories about the bugs she sees in her room? Describing what she does in her spare time would add more concrete plot details and flesh our her character, making the one-shot overall less "vague." I'm also curious as to how she manages in a lightless room. Does she have a slight light-source? Has the medic altered her eyes so she can see in the dark like an owl? <.<

(One critique on the Scout chapter coming up soon)

>>32 ...for some reason, I did not even consider the Administrator wanting to fuck the captive. How did that happen?! When I pictured the Administrator investigating the captive's presence, I imagined Admin being cold and ignoring a prisoner since she can just fuck Saxton Hale instead. And I completely forgot Ms. Pauling's reaction. Good call there.

Mimi,

If I had written that as subpar for a one shot, I should explain what I meant. A one shot, in itself is something that should be completely stand alone. No further work would be entered into it. As such, it is hard to feel this as complete. That would be a serious injustice to Mus's character. This needs some sort of continuation in my mind. Especially because it has so many things that could be explored. Would the empathy that the team gets from her cloud their idealistic view of the medic? Soldier would be fun with that, be able to call him a Nazi?

So there is some more of what's in my head. Read it again this morning, having a like day for it.

Maelgwyn

Mimi, please keep emotes (<.< :) o_o etc) to a minimum. Your concrit is just as enlightening without them.

>>37 Ah, apologies. I was under the impression that emoticons were associated with being underage, but figured it wouldn't be a problem if the words I said had thought behind them. For me, posting here is a chance to unwind after a long day of studying lit. at university; I love the subject, but I hate the stuffy formality. I suppose I use emoticons because I like how casual they feel by comparison, and because I felt more free to use them here than in other places...only apparently I'm not. I still feel that not all emoticon usage is dumb, just informal. Just like how not everything on a chan is inherently badly written. I'd hoped this chan would judge on a case-by-case basis, but I have more important things to fight for than the right to use smileys. I'll refrain from doing so in the future.

>>36

Maelgwyn,

I have to disagree that the one-shot didn't work on its own. I thought more detail in specific areas would have improved it, but I was still enthusiastic about the whole. Take the line: "He was angry when he found the cold one had removed the nails from my fingers, but it didn’t stop him making me use them inside him to make him fly". In one sentence, it shows that the Sniper is so lust-ridden he'll let his lust override his guilt and take advantage of a prisoner, maybe even using his guilt to add to his lust. It offers a look into his messed up mind and evokes horrible imagery (of the captive's fingers, of how the Sniper fucks her even when she's in pain, etc.) without needing to go into step-by-step detail. Now, if Mus chooses to add more step-by-step detail, that'll be more than great, but I think the one-shot says a lot with relatively few sentences, which is a good technique to have in writing.

But again, that's just my opinion. What one person finds to be a delightfully understated sentence that evokes a dozen fascinating scenarios could just seem vague to someone else. What one person finds to be an eloquent, detailed line could seem stuffed and gratuitous for someone else. Of course, it's up to Mus to decide which is which, but I'm glad you have taken the time to express your opinion articulately and politely. It's always interesting seeing what other people think about the things I read.

Mimi

(Scout concrit coming up. Soon...)

>>38
Thank you, Mimi. I admit while I admire intricately evocative writing like Toxo's, I have no confidence in my ability in that direction. I tend to rely on pared back sentences. I strive to reach elegance one day.

I am still trying hard to improve my writing, but it's going slowly. Not only is Poulette my first TF2 fic, but it is my first ever fic in any fandom. I am deeply appreciative of all this amazing concrit I'm receiving. The fact that so many people are sharing ideas and feelings about this is wonderful. Thank you everyone!
________

Poulette - aveuglant - deux
*****

Sometimes when ah can’t sleep fer the dreams, I go see her, yeah. So maybe I do, like the rest of the guys. Danged nights get cold out here in the desert. What’s it to ya?

Yeah, none taken. I like her, okay? She’s kinda like a good luck charm, maybe like a mascot fer the team. No idea where Medic found her – mebbe she’s one of his, mebbe he found her out there. We ain’t that far from White Sands, and I’ve read those pulp SF novels Demo leaves lying around, fulla aliens and mutants and suchlike. I don’t get either why he tells us ta keep the hood on ‘er either; it’s not like we haven’t all got a few scars here and there, and she’s really pretty anyhow with those huge pale eyes. It’s a pity she seems ta get sick all the time. Medic’s got her in sickbay more often than not, and she doesn’t really like it in there. Can’t say I blame her, his bedside manner’s not the best ah’ve seen.

She’s real sweet and …enthusiastic, if ya know what ah mean. It’s always good with her, and I like to think she enjoys it too. I love how hot she feels, y’know, inside and out. Medic says her internal temp runs higher than human normal and it’s really nifty how fast sweat dries off. Afterwards I like to rock her to sleep. When she’s all curled up under the feathers she looks no older than one a’ mah own kids. I comb her hair back and croon a little lullaby and sometimes she joins in with a sleepy warbly harmony. She likes music, ya know? I’ve heard her singing to herself many a time, walking past the storeroom door. I always cover her up well with the blankets before I leave. Can’t have our little angel getting cold on us.

‘Nyways, lookit me jawin' away when there’s work ta do. I got sentries ta fix and dispensers ta build. If ya got any more questions, ya'll can come back later.

Heh, the Engineer. Could see it coming as soon as I read the first sentence. This guy is my baby, but I can not do his speech patterns in words. This sounds good. Very good. You definitely got this voice to my happiness...

Why did that sound like an interrogation? Now, you have my gears going...

Constructive things... hmm... Again its a monologue and they are not my most favourite things to read. Probably because they are a word dump - no advancement by themselves. This would make a good 'why do you have a lady here' interviews for medic disciplinary hearing or something.

So I love the tone, just confused to where its going to.

Maelgwyn

Scout Crit:

I like the overall feel of the Scout's character, and I especially like that you're tackling each class' accents. Colloquial dialogue isn't something all writers can do. Scout here seems to be a nice balance of cocky and affectionate (well, as affectionate as you can be to a prisoner). Descriptions like the part about "candy canes" are vivid without the Scout sounding uncharacteristically book smart. The part where he describes what it's like when he's with Angel made me shiver. It's scary how she's so nice to the Scout for taking off her hood even though she shouldn't have needed to wear it in the first place. Stylewise, it's quick with relatively simple sentences and packed with color, like you'd expect from the Scout. (And "hot high noises like she's trying to keep it all in"? Brrrr.)

In terms of content, I'd like to see Scout and each of the other classes address the fact that they're taking advantage of an unwilling captive. It would add more tension to the plot and increase characterization; plus, the fact they're keeping and raping a slave should be too big for them to ignore. For Scout, it can be short, with something along the lines of "Yea', I know it's iffy keepin' a broad locked up and all, but she likes it! She likes ME, so it's ok." More self-aware characters like (I'd assume) Medic, Spy, and Sniper could understand that she only likes it due to Stockholm Syndrome and extreme psychological conditioning, and they could react with varying levels of guilt (or lack thereof.)

I also have a few gripes with style. A few places seem too poetic for Scout. "Scary faraway stare" could be replaced with something like "creepy stare." "Instead of angry and red" could be replaced with "so they're not big and red." Other times, it seems he's overdone it on the swearing. As much as I love swearing, they sometimes cause the dialogue to flow awkwardly. I found the rhythm gets awkward when Scout uses the word "fuckin" twice too closely together. I suggest removing the one that comes before "pound" in the last sentence of the third paragraph and either replacing the one that comes before "candy cane" with "freakin" or removing the adjective entirely. (Yes, I am telling the Scout how to swear. I am that kind of person. Um...sorry?)

Glad you appreciated my earlier critiques. I write them because I want them to help. I hope you don't think my own earlier Scout impersonation is that horrid, and I'll have the Engie crit up soon.

>>41
Mimi, I very much value and appreciate your crit. I promise not to take it for granted like some sort of after-the-fact beta! With the Scout fragment I do admit to a little overdoing it on the profanity. I was hoping it would add to the momentum-rush of his pent-up speech, but it didn't quite make it.
>>36 >>38 >>40
I am taking all the concrit and suggestions from everyone on board, honestly. I am trying very hard to balance subtlety with detail. All I can say is I hope my writing is improving from a reader's point of view. I'm certainly learning heaps, here! Thank you all again.
__________________

Poulette - Ferraille - trois
***

How are you? I am good and we are fighting well every day with few losses. But I am not thinking you are coming to talk over tea and biscuit. You want to ask about molodoĭ tsyplenok, yes? I am expecting you. Was only matter of time before questions come.

Very long time ago. I remember. Tiny devushka hiding in storeroom, coming out at night to kitchen quick like little mouse, many many months ago. Big dark eyes, long hair blonde like winter wheat. I talk to her, she is sharp and bright like knife. Studying Russkiĭ at kolledzh to talk to Brezhnev to ask for peace not war! I promise not to laugh, and I teach her and give songs to sing. But quiet. Devushka is smart and sad and brave to hide on base with men who fight cowards every day! Then one day is gone. Find torn skirt with blood. Sniper says taken by dingo, is very sad. Whole team is sad for few days, then forget. Go back to fighting. Then Medik spend many weeks working, sleeping in lab. Tell team, have present for good job. Find molodoĭ tsyplenok in sickbay storeroom. Rest of team say they not know where she is from, but I know. They think that my words are slow so thoughts are also slow, but they are wrong.

I always take leather hat off. First time, I see her face and I know. First time, I hurt her and am very sad. She can only make noise like birds, crying is like zyablik, little.. Finch, is word. I think. Medik is do bad things to devushka, and I tell him, many times. Even the hat and the leg strap, is like his bad dreaming, I say. But he gives look and shouts at me with Ubersaw to go, so I go. What can I do against vrach Medik? And now with wings she is like bird in cage, will die if free. I am gentle for tsyplenok, I try not to hurt her now. I tell story sometimes in Russkiĭ, about Sadko, and Ded Moroz, and I think she remembers. Tilts head like ptitsa and blinks big eyes now silver like owl. Sometimes if I am lucky I get smile I remember, white like new moon. I bring honey and sugar for her kasha, and I brush her winter wheat hair. And maybe new blanket to keep warm.

Is not much, I know. But is something. I try.

Now, you might think Im going to say monologue bad.

Well, this time, I absolutely adored it. Made me all sad inside. This is so beautifully written. His Russian suits this. So very very much. He speaks with a slow lilt that you have got here. I can just hear him telling me this, integrated with the Russian. And theres no breaks, so it feels like a single piece of dialogue. This.

It just makes me happy. Very very happy. Thank you!

Still alluding to this interview! I just want to see the other person. Just to perspective it... Soldier next?

Maelgwyn

This story is freaking me out. It's not even the kind of thing I generally like (except for the psychotic Medic). However, I find myself eagerly waiting for more.

My reaction to the Engie section was basically "Awww, Engie's relatively nice to her...wait she's about as small as his own kids? This Engie has kids? He's fucking the Medic's slave while a kid's waiting for him back home?! Ack!"

Great Engie accent. I like the part where he just brushes aside all questions about the morality of him and the Medic's slave with "What's it to ya?!" Sounds like something the practical, non-philosophical Engie would say.

The Heavy's section is very moving. You can tell that he cares for the captive and is very intelligent behind his bad English. I love how we now know the protagonist had political and linguistic aspirations and a love of music; Heavy made her sound like a cool and admirable person, which adds to the horror of what Medic did to her. The owl eyes were a nice touch, because it implies how she can see through her dark room.

The Russian words look and sound so pretty, even if I couldn't find translations for all of them on Russian-English dictionary sites. I tentatively suggest including a list of translations for foreign words, although it would be perfectly fine if you want to leave them ambiguous.

I do have questions about the plot. If the whole team knew the protagonist was hiding in the base and the whole team was sad when she disappeared, it's odd that Scout and Engie still insist they don't know where the Medic's captive came from. It seems they'd realize that the runaway student disappeared right before their mad scientist began working on "a gift," and they'd put two-and-two together, especially Engie. If an extended time period occurred between the protagonist disappearing and the Medic staying up late in his lab so they didn't automatically connect the two, that should be clarified.
I also suggest placing more emphasis on the fact that the protagonist looks drastically different from the way she used to, beyond wings or eye color or scars. That would explain how some of the team weren't able to recognize her.

Still, I like that the team is basically split into those who knew where the captive came from and those who don't. It helps us tell who's more perceptive and involved with the captive (in either a good or bad way) from those who are innocent/oblivious/in-denial. I hope you play with the idea that some of the team are in-denial because they want to enjoy guilt-free sex without facing up to the idea that the Medic might have involved of them in rape and kidnapping. (I guess I like complex psychological torture in my afanfics, for some reason.)

A more minor plot question is that I'm unsure of why Heavy had to quietly teach the protagonist if the whole base knew she was there.

*relatively innocent

>>45
Ah yes. Must confess to Google Translate abuse. Am big fan of phonetic spelling setting. Here's a list of (probably bad) translations of terms used in the bits. If I got it wrong, any native speakers are welcome to let me know.

I must also admit to a near-fetishistic love for wordplay, hints and multiple meanings. Sorry.

French:
poulette - pullet, adolescent chicken. Also slang term for underaged whore.
un, deux, trois - one, two, three
en brisant - shattering
aveuglant - blinding, obscuring
feraille - scraps, leavings. Usually referring to metal debris.

Russian:
molodoĭ - fledgling, youngling, adolescent
tsyplenok - chick, chicken
devushka - young girl. Usually unmarried.
Russkiĭ - Russian language
kolledzh - college, university. English loan word.
vrach - doctor
ptitsa - small bird. Usually songbird.
Sadko - Russian fairytale hero.
Ded Moroz - Grandfather Winter. Akin to a badass pagan Santa.
kasha - buckwheat porridge

>>45
Thank you Mimi. Let me just clarify a few of your questions.

Medic was working away in the lab for several weeks before announcing the 'gift' to the team. They're used to his periodic projects.

Scout never denied knowing where she was from, but dodged the question. He probably prefers not to think about it, invoking the wilful ignorance so easy in youth.

Engie isn't saying much, but has no problem with lying; he's found it's easier to get along with everyone else if he plays the genial good ol' boy, even if he knows much more than he's letting on.

The runaway-that-was mainly hid during the day, and came out after dark to forage in the kitchen. Mainly in an effort to avoid being spotted by Admin. Most interactions with her therefore (Heavy's among others) took place late at night. Heavy knows his voice gets loud, so he tried to keep it down to avoid waking anyone.

This next bit I've taken as far as I can at the moment (brain fried from work, alas). Apologies for perceived lacks. :(
____

Poulette - critère de Griffith - quatre
****

You requested this meeting, RECRUIT. I am in the middle of patrol, so make it SNAPPY. I have things to do! Rockets to polish and boots to FEED to THOSE SCUMBA-

What do you mean, her? You WILL ADDRESS HER AS BEFITS HER RANK, RECRUIT! The LADY JUSTICE is SWEET, and PURE, and ON OUR SIDE. We are HER SWORD and her SHIELD. Though blind, her HELM will SHINE before us, her WINGS will carry us to VICTORY and HER SONG will ECHO over the sunrise. Like at Iwo Jima. YOU KNOW IWO JIMA, DON’T YOU, MAGGOT? HER SCARS are marks of VALOUR, signs symbolic of our SUFFERING for her CAUSE. We are LUCKY to have her, RECRUIT. She has manifested and BESTOWED upon us her OWN WHITE LIMBS as our REWARD. Her presence bodes WELL for our SUCCESS! Capturing all the intelligence and BLOWING our enemies to BLOODY SMOKING GOBBETS! Because SUN TZ-

WHAT. Oh. Um. RIGHT. When I go to see the LADY JUSTICE, I make sure everything is CLEAN and and parade ready. A GOOD SOLDIER ALWAYS KEEPS HIS KIT READY! I’ll even SHAVE! Shave and POLISH EVERYTHING! And I always fall out after battle to bring her a flower. Ahem. Ladies like flowers. The last one? I marched out sixteen miles to find, and carried back in my canteen. THE BEST MILITARY MINDS ARE FLEXIBLE! AND IMPROVISE! And ARE NOT DEFEATED IN ADVERSITY. We are here to BALANCE her SCALES!

Now, boy, you’ll give HER RESPECT, or I will ask Sargeant Shovel here to have a real in-depth-RESPECTFUL CONVERSATION with your BRAIN PAN! DO YOU HEAR ME? DIS-MISSED.

>>43
Thank you Maelgwyn. I'm trying but it's getting tougher as I keep choosing and discarding plot filaments..
>>44
Thank you TeratoMarty. That's an awesome compliment. I hope my bitewise writing is getting better.

Heh, almost just the right amount of crazy for Soldier. You seem to keep him even keeled, he should be tangent-ing much more. Soldier is fun to write, especially if you choose RED soldier from the Meet the Series, and you know a few people who just remind you of him. But he has... issues... with keeping on any topic, or changing the story to what he wants to talk about. Thats his challenge to write with, to meander him but not too much. But this is defiantly commendable!

And don't worry about discarding threads of stories. I do it all the time. They kinda meander until I really get my butt into gear and keep them on the straight and narrow. That is the hardest part, writing to make sure that you get the right direction for what you are doing. Like, for instance, I am writing something for the SS and it has changed probably close to 10 times (and blowing through words - I need to make sure I get it done in time!)

Damn...out of all classes I had absolutely no idea how Soldier's chapter would turn out, since I didn't see how you could reconcile the soldier's austere personal code with his treatment of the captive. But now it makes sense. The soldier would totally believe that she is the incarnate of justice come to reward him; only way he'd agree to it; I'm a bit mad I didn't think of it myself. Loved the line about bestowing white limbs. Now, I'll just have to settle for wondering what the Pyro's part would be like (It would be like waiting for the Meet the Pyro video twice. Yay?)

Consider the fact that I love the soldier chapter a huge compliment, since I normally hate him in fanfic. The problem is that his main character trait is insanity, and insanity is like a sex scene: Utterly putrid in the hands of bad writers. I tend to find fanfic Solly either too sane to recognize or too pointlessly aggressive (Not to mention homophobic. Ron the Death treatment hits him even harder than Scout in slashfic, but that's neither here or there.) The point is, I've only ever liked Solly in maybe...two fanfictions, but I guess now I have to make it three. Yay!

>>48. Thanks for clarifying the plot points and the translations. Now that I know what it means, I love the title of this thread even more.

To respond to the clarifications, I think it should be made clearer in-story that Medic's long work hours weren't unusual and that the protagonist was trying to hide from the Admin instead of the team, just to avoid confusion. For Scout, I assumed he was indirectly denying that he knew where she came from when he said he didn't even know her name. I really should have figured out that Engie was lying, though. His description of their encounters has him covering her with blankets, while her description has him fisting her with Gunslinger. In hindsight, the contrast is so great Engie had to have been hiding things.

>>50 Yeah, pretty much every writer worth their salt prunes away plot points when writing/editing. Not a bad thing so long as you produce consistently good work.

>>50 >>51
Thank you both! I never dreamed I would wind up with regular readers when I started this, let alone continuing crit. This is a wonderful, rare thing.

I worked really hard on that one. Depicting insanity with multiple fault lines I find really difficult. It's so much easier when there is some sort of unifying internal logic, no matter how disparate from consensus reality. I know I should have made Solly more unhinged, but I kept losing control of the piece, so I pared it back.

With reference to my treatment of the classes in general, I'm probably making unnecessary work for myself by striving to give complexity to their inner dark side. But then again, I have never been known to do things the easy way. I'm not sure I really conveyed Scout's self contempt, for one thing. But I'm kind of happy with my tweaking of Engie. Why should Spy be the only one who gets to lie? And lying is easier if noone suspects the untruth behind an amiable grin.

while her description has him fisting her with Gunslinger.
I think fisting her with a Gunslinger would have a very strong chance of killing her with air embolism. Her description only mentioned using fingers inside her, which can simply mean sliding them in to stroke the G-spot area, and didn't specify which set were used when making her faint. My assumption after reading that paragraph was that he simply didn't stop after she reached orgasm and the intensity afterwards was too much when he kept going, trying to get her to reach multiple orgasms, though maybe that's merely an inexperienced and stupid guess on my part.

>>53
Dove, you're right about that. I was trying to convey that Engie went about play with the captive the way he would in testing the specs of a new system. Namely, see how far he could push it in terms of performance. Given her current structural fragility (Medic's been tweaking his pet project for quite a while), fisting would do real damage, let alone if he used the Gunslinger.

Also, some of my self indulgent wordplay wank, translated:
critère de Griffith (French) - Griffith's Criterion, a seminal equation in stress mechanics, predicting fracture propagation in brittle materials. I thought it was appropriate for Solly.

Poulette – La Fenice – Cinq
***
Hallo. Yes, I do go see her, like the others do. What? Wait, let me just take this off. Can you hear me now? Good.

Like I was saying, I do visit her, like the others do. Not often though. She’s always there, and always the same. I like to look at her, all glimmering pure white. She’s so pale I don’t even have to swap out the dark lens outserts when I walk in, y’know? I touch her all over and trace the scars everywhere they go. They’re so different from mine. Hers are mostly all silvery and faded, and she’s so tiny and thin that on her they look like frost on the windows in winter, only big, like climbing vines on a wall. She seems to like it, anyhow, from the little noises she makes. I guess we’re the only ones she gets to see, the only ones here to touch her. So of course she likes us. Even me.

I remember Medic coming into the mess with that shit-eating grin, slapping his gloves into his hand, to tell us that his latest up-all-night project was a gift from him and the Microphone Bitch for a Job Well Done. Hell, you could hear the capitals all crunchy in his Kraut accent. We all rushed in when he threw the storeroom door open and there she was sitting on a dusty table, wings all rustly and shimmering pearly grey. Everyone speechless staring for a long minute, before Scout breaks the spell with a whoop about how ‘we got a chick now’. Medic shoos us back out, closes the door and gives us a big lecture about rules. I remember zoning out; I couldn’t stop seeing her in my head, all pale and clean like some sort of angel, so different from us with our oilstains and powder burns and grubby nails. Why do you think I keep the gloves on? I even try to get clean rags to replace her old ones, when I remember. Occasionally I’ve seen her trying to wash them in the water bucket.

Oh, I keep that hood on her head. It’s a funny looking thing. Together with the ankle jesses she’s always got on, it makes her look like the falcons I saw at a Ren Faire once. Guess that’s Medic for you. He gets some weird ideas in his little dungeon of a sickbay. I don’t know if she can see through it, though I know she can hear fine. It doesn’t look like it gets in her way much, anyway. And to be honest with you, I’m not sure I want to see her face. Maybe it’s like mine; maybe hers is scarred far worse and that’s why they have to make special food for her, and why she can’t talk properly. Or maybe it’s not like the rest of her; maybe it’s perfect and beautiful and terrible. I’m not sure if I wanna find out, or to see it either way. So I never ask her to take it off. Actually, I don’t really talk to her. She doesn’t seem to want me to. Engie says she likes to sing, but I’ve never heard her doing it.

Um. Can I have my lighter back now?

***
Self-indulgent translation wank: La Fenice (Italian) – The Phoenix. Also an opera house in Venice that was burned down and successfully rebuilt in both 1837 and 1996.

Pyro. This one is hard for me to critique. I just don't get Pyro. Technically it's great. This one would be the hardest for me to do because I just don't hear Pyro when I have ever tried to write him.

>>53 and >>54

Ah, my mistake. The one-shot line "once when he didn't stop I fainted" didn't exactly create a sweet and tender image, so I suppose reading it caused me to assume the worst. I didn't take any scientific aspects into consideration because, well...TF2. Half-bird-person fanfic.

>>55

My favorite part about this scene has to be the flashback with Medic. The details about his grin and accent and hands really cinch his character. It's easy to picture him bragging and showing off his "creation" while being either dismissive or amused by the rest of the team's reactions. I gotta wonder what the "rules" he set for them are, and if he really has the Admin's endorsement or is just saying he does; either way will be good intrigue. Scout would absolutely be the first one to act ok about the whole thing.

As for the Pyro him/her/itself...I'm ambivalent as to what to make of it. The first one-shot does a great job of making Pyro seem like a distant, personless mask to the captive who comes for momentary curious pleasure and then moves on; it succeeds so well I think you could've replaced Pyro's pronoun with "it" instead of "they." After the one-shot, it's strange to see that this personless mask is actually...kinda shy, and thinks of the captive primarily in how she relates to his/her own insecurities about appearance. But I guess even an insecure person would gain a sense of vague power when given a slave.

If there's one complaint about the Pyro chapter, it's that the Pyro here seems almost entirely defined by insecurity. I can't see this Pyro dressing up as a devil or raising a flamethrower in the air while laughing like s/he has done in-game. Perhaps this chapter would be better if it combined the Pyro's insecurity with at least a more obvious pyromania.

Minor style critique: I think the term "crunchy" in the line about the Medic's accent added an awkward rhythm to the sentence. Plus, it's difficult to imagine a capital letter as "crunchy."

>>56
Maelgwyn
There is so little canon about Pyro's backstory that there is almost infinite scope to play with. Or, in corollary, it's hard to know where to start. Kind of interesting either way. I had a bit of fun here.

>>57
Mimi
Heh. I always thought a the overenunciated guttural 'ch' sounds in Meet the Medic sounded almost abrasive. Not quite the right word there, I guess.

It amused me to contrast the crazy in-game Pyro with a treatment showing possibly the least creepy character of the lot. I did try to hint not just at an insecurity/purity link to the pyromania, but also at a touch of OCD ('pure', 'clean', 'grubby', 'perfect'). Especially since the Pyro here consciously chooses to isolate themselves from interacting with Angel as a person.

Bah. Brain fried by hot spell in the local weather. I'm going to go melt quietly somewhere.

>>58

Where I'm at now, it's cold and rainy. Wouldn't mind a trade-off.

May I suggest "capitals crunching in his Kraut accent" instead of "crunchy"? It's only a few letters but it would make a difference. "Crunchy" is a word that's overused in kid's cereal commercials, but "crunching" sounds like the Medic snapping his teeth shut and crushing something, which is prolly more of what you're going for.

I don't necessarily mind the idea of a Pyro obsessed with cleanliness and shyness; I just think it would've been more in-character if there had been addition lines about the Pyro's love of fire than just the final sentence about the lighter. It's the Pyro's only trait we know is canon, after all. Plus, it'll be hard to portray Pyro as the least creepy around Angel with the Heavy around. His chapter was a pretty sad and heartwarming one.

I hope for the Demoman and Spy next. Since Sniper and especially Medic seem to know the most about the circumstances surrounding Angel's captivity, I hope you save them for last.

>>59
Thanks for that Mimi. I did think about putting in content about Pyro's love of fire, but they seemed awkwardly shoehorned and arbitrary. I thought perhaps by accenting Pyro's shyness and instability of self-image, I could hint at the power/destructive impulses that would come from being faceless in the suit. Oh well. Rewrite time.

I am having a hard time writing the other classes at the moment, due to the clamour of the shrieking plotbunnies around my head. Order and timing are just part of it all. Doing my best.

"..I don't like this music. Let's change the beat."
-- Zorg, Fifth Element
___

Poulette – acciaccatura dal niente – Interlude
***

The room is almost the same. I am used to the spaces changing as boxes and cases are loaded and unloaded around me. The burned out bare bulb that hangs from the vaulted ceiling is now visible, however, in the light from the tiny window far above. I don’t remember there being a window there before. Things must have changed yet again and I shrug away a prickle of mental disquiet. Maybe I was moved while asleep. It has happened before. Better than the box.

The light is watery and dim, but just enough that I can fumble through the pile of blankets so I can look at the gift that was left for me.

The dusty paper bag is crinkled and soft with wear as I pull out a small book. The cover is long gone, and the edges of the pages are stained and buckled from smoke and water, the binding cracked and shedding crumbs of old glue. The smell of dusty wood and pressed flowers. Something stirs in my throat as I carefully open the pages.

Pictures. No, drawings. Of children. And a dog. And a ball. My eyes ache – probably the unaccustomed light, the effort of focusing – as I painstakingly piece together the letters and numbers in the speech bubbles, words springing ex nihilo into my mind. (piano. beagle. Red. Baron. ) It quickly gets easier, and before I know it, I have finished. And for no impulse I can name, I flip it right over and start leafing through it again from the beginning. And again.

And again. Faster and faster.

bird. blanket. Beethoven.)

Fingertips are bleeding again, leaving bloody smudges on the yellowed paper(umber? fawn. no, ecru. ). It seems harder to read, somehow. Oh, because my hands are shaking. It’s getting cold. And I can’t seem to bring my eyes into focus. Face feels hot and cold and tight, and I’m breathing hard. There’s a heaviness under my breastbone, burning where my atonal heart flutters like a trapped (me. you. us.) thing. I knuckle gracelessly at a tickle where thick scars stretch over cheekbone and into the hollow beneath and my hand comes away wet. Drying fingers aimlessly on the edge of a wing, heedless of the smears (carmine. scarlet too pink. crimson too bright.) I'm leaving on the crushed grey (dun. pearl. dove. silver. slate.) feathers with a too-tight grip. Dry mouth. A ringing in my ears.

The book falls, trailing ghosts of itself. Gracelessly, I follow.

***

Translation wank notes:
acciaccatura (Italian) - bruise, crush injury. In musical notation, a form of ornamental flourish or grace note.
dal niente (Italian) - out of nothingness, out of silence. In musical notation, a sudden phrase that is not foreshadowed.

I love how the book triggers her vocabulary and linguistic skills. I've always been fascinated by scenes where art/fiction/learning help reconfigure prisoners with the outside world, prolly because there's a lot of truth to them. And there are potentially meaty plot and character developments which could derive from this chapter: How will her retriggered learning affect her behavior as a captive? Will it make her more rebellious? How will the Medic and Co. react to an object that connects her to her life outside captivity? Who gave her the book? Did one of the classes draw the pictures for her, or did she draw them herself before the Medic turned her into an Angel? I hope you pick up at least one of these threads, though no doubt you've planned to already. ;)

One critique I have for the style is that I'm unsure of whether the Medic's operations have caused Angel to genuinely forget her (considerable) vocabulary until the book helps bring back her cognitive skills...or if Angel simply hasn't had a chance to use her vocab for some time, and the sudden opportunity to do so both excites and frightens her.

I think it's prolly the former, since words are described as leaping to her mind "ex nihlo" and "with no impulse I can name," but if that's the case, then her normal narration outside of parenthesis should be plainer. The descriptive words she uses in parenthesis are sophisticated and beautiful, ("Ecru," "carmine," "dun"? Wow.) but they'd stand out and have even more impact if she didn't already use fairly big words like "atonal" in her regular narration.

Best wishes with sorting out the plot bunnies. If you like, maybe you can share conflicting plot ideas on this thread for us to discuss?

>>61
Glad you liked it.
The book was a Peanuts comic compilation (piano. beagle.), which is a bit of license - the actual compilations weren't released until the 1970's.

Apologies for the wanky little bits of translation stuff. It amuses me, if nobody else.

This post has been deleted.

>>62...I cannot believe I missed that. I remember reading the Red Baron line and thinking "Hey, Snoopy had a make-believe enemy called the Red Baron. I wonder why it's mentioned here?" So close, but the neurons didn't fire. I'm able to pick out all sorts of allusions in James Joyce novels but I'm somehow thrown off by this?!

In my (admittedly poor) defense, if this had been a realistic fiction story, I prolly would have caught it, but my brain couldn't process the idea of Peanuts and TF2 existing in the same universe. Prolly because, like you said, they're in different time periods...and because the world would explode from awesomeness if I could read Peanuts comics in the morning and fight with Medic and Sniper in the afternoon. So, the only gesture of kindness someone has for the captive is giving her a Peanuts comic? That's...pretty sad.

No need for apologies with translation. I think they're a nice touch. If they're inaccurate, they'll just be as accurate as Valve-canon anyways. ("Oktoberfest!")

If someone gave her a Krazy Kat compilation instead, she'd have such a headache... but it would be fitting IMHO. Or perhaps Pogo, that would be less of a pain to read. Hah hah. I don't find it sad, personally, but then I've always loved cartoon strips and comic books. I sort of wondered and I kind of guessed. Glad to know I was right.

I liked the idea of the book stirring up her vocabulary but I'm not sure the synonyms were as effective towards the end. On the whole, I'm just not sure why she suddenly had her adverse physical reactions unless it was a general response to her wounds?

I liked all the other classes before this btw. I forget if I said but I adored Soldier's.

If they're inaccurate, they'll just be as accurate as Valve-canon anyways.
Indeed!

>>64 Peanuts ran from 1950 to 2000 so they're pretty much accurate for period. The only license I used was the compilation release dates. I'm currently giggling at a mental image of you fighting with Medic and Sniper - over who gets which bits of the weekend paper at the breakfast table.
>>65 Huh. Wonder what that was about?
____
Poulette – Gnomon – Interlude
***
To:Miss R. Pauling
Senior Executive Assistant

Re:Adjunct request to existing assignment

Dear Miss Pauling

Always nice to hear from you, Rhonda darling. It is good to hear that you find yourself in good health. I hope that circumstances are going well; how are your other pets doing? It is always a pleasure to assist you in your endeavours.

It is quite unfortunate to find that your previous intervention seems to have spawned further …complications. Sometimes in-house solutions can seem deceptively attractive. As I mentioned to your superiors when they contemplated operations in their current format, excessive sentiment is a characteristic quirk of mercenaries. I did advise the use of indentured staff at the time, but they decided on siting it all in this regrettably individualistic country. Let me just reiterate my previous offer of access to our organisation’s pool of subjects – impeccable plasm lines and ironclad imprinting, nothing but the best for you, my dear.

It will of course be no trouble to extend the current assignment to cover a complete clean-up of the situation. However, I cannot guarantee the utmost discretion if the local Spies interfere with our Agent. Needless to say, it will be your own responsibility to ensure that your lady Supervisor does not learn of your other fascinating projects. The standard consultant rate contracts will apply for the interim, with additional wetwork stipends and rebates for costs incurred. I shall forward the addendum to you for your consideration as soon as our Legal are ready.


I remain, as always, your Humble Servant

S. R. C. Marshall
Marshall, Carter and Dark

***
Notes:
Gnomon – The part of a sundial that casts the shadow. From the Ancient Greek, meaning "indicator", "one who discerns," or "that which reveals." Also indicative of self-referentialism in mathematical and literary theory. (Woo, super meta!)

>>65
Oops, hi Dove-the-Unoriginal! Guess I saw the your post before you reposted it. Really meant >>63. How does one delete a post anyway? I can't seem to figure it out.

With regards to the physical symptoms, they were due to adrenalin. Sudden stress, panic attack, then a faint. Her fingertips bleed on and off and have done since Medic removed her fingernails.

Now please excuse me while I flail in n00bfanshock at the thought that I have regular readers. Dove, I love your writing!

Haven't read the updates yet (about to, I'm one of your regular readers too) but I'm about to go into happyshock at the SCP reference you ended it with. Do you write on there? I'd love to read your SCPs.

>>68
Hallo there Anon! This is me waving, friendly-like.
I have been a loyal SCP Foundation reader for yonks, but I don't write there. I'm glad someone else picked up my shout-out.

>>55

I'm late to the party here, but I honestly adore your characterization of Pyro. I read it for a while and wondered so much as to who it was, but I was so delighted when the last sentence was read!

I'm -extraordinarily- dumb for taking that long to figure that out, but obviously that goes unsaid.

Anyhow, I can't wait for more. I love the experimental venturing in your approach to each of the characterizations, down to how you deliver each chapter. Good stuff.

Just before I start - captcha has 1968 in it. Awesome.

Yes. I will just say, I like the interludes - they're very nice. Loving how she is reading Snoopy... just yeah.

Im drunk. No comment. Will do something pretty later

>>66

...And the plot thickens, to use the cliche. I love almost all stories w/ a not-so innocent Ms. Pauling. I'd say this part is confusing, but I guess it's supposed to be, you horrible, horrible tease. Anyway, I love how it foreshadows that some shit is gonna go down, and can't wait to see the fallout.

And yup, fighting over cartoons with my favorite TF2 characters would be great. You can join us!

I deleted my post by checking the box at the far right of the post title and hitting "delete." If that doesn't work, type in your usual password in the box next to "delete post" first.

Also, please recommend a good place to start reading at SCP. I just checked out the site, and it looks cool.

>>72
Usual password? I don't have one. Unless you mean the appears-as-dots shared one in the delete post window? I can't seem to use it; I keep getting the wrong-password message.

I admit it, you might get an increased sense of foreshadowing if you looked up Marshall, Carter and Dark on the SCP website (under Groups of Interest). All part of the fun.

>>73
Mimi, the SCP website is a timekiller, I should warn you right now. Not quite as bad as TV Tropes, but close. To start with, I would go to the dropdown bar at the top and read 'About the SCP Foundation' under Information. Then go to the Classes dropdown and read about the categories of SCP objects. Then wander around the various SCP Series listings. There's over a thousand there. The rating in the top right corner of each SCP object listing shows its voting level; the higher the better rated. (SCPs 294 and 914 are two of my favourites.) Just be aware that some of them are quite effective as nightmare fuel.

While the objects and their incident reports are internally consistent, the Foundation Tales fics are subject to no continuity or canon, and are often full of in-jokes. And the SCP Foundation has its own listing on TV Tropes.

>>73
I started out with this one: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-093 , and it's possibly the best thing I've ever read in my life (read the exploration logs in order).

For me, I mostly read them in order, (OCD like that), http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-series

But check out SCP-050 and SCP-682, they both link you to a lot of other ones, and they are good places to introduce you to both the characters and the procedure/terminology. A couple of my favorites are SCP-112, SCP-087, and SCP-899

Heh. Just so that I don't derail my own thread, here's the last installment for some time. My offline plate is filling fast, and I can't guarantee I'll be able to keep writing at anything near this pace. My apologies. (If only those damned plotbunnies would just.stop.screaming!) Here we go.
Holy crap that’s a lot of apostrophes. If I messed up with the accent I’m sorry.
___
Poulette - délai chaîne de fusion - six
***

Guid mornin’. Ye look surprised tae see me up so early faur a blether. Ah’m no stranger tae irregular hours; when y’ve done everythin’ from cleanin’ skyscrapers tae demolishin’ lighthooses, ye get good at showin’ oop when y’re called f’r. Cuppa tea? ‘Ere, have a biscuit. One o’ Sniper’s stash, I think ‘e calls ‘em “Zacks” o’ summat. Ah won’t tell if ye won’t, aye?

Right. Aboot our wee Fionnuala. Fuh-nell-ah, yus. Ye’ve seen herself, I take it? Sae tiny, but fierce. Jes’ the way I like tha lasses. I was one o’ the first tae gae see her, an’ I made the mistake o’ pullin’ out a feather. An accident, it was. It was dark, an’ I jes wanted tae get a better look at one. She almost broke m’wrist with her great grey wings. That’s when I took tae callin’ her after the swans of Lir, y’ken? Nivver piss off a swan! I din’t think she meant tae do it, but, ‘cause she clung tae me an’ made all these whimpery flutey noises and hugged m’hand between those lovely white bewbs o’ hers. It’s noo wonder Medic’s taken tae makin’ her wear th’ hood an’ jesses; she’s plenty wick enough furra crowd o’ hawks! An’ those jesses, they make guid handholds, y’ken? Heh.

Aye, I know herself’s covered in scars. So’m I, an’ so’s the rest of us, y’know! ‘S not like we came tae this job with peel like babies’ bums. On her they look guid, tho’. All like tha’ lacy stuff that th’ lasses wear. An’ ‘cause they’re all silvery, when we’re sportin’ aboot they gleam and flash in tha gloamin’. She seems tae like it wit’ me well enow, an’ leaves little marks all ova’ me. I’ve taught her a few songs, like soom by The Corries, an’ she whistles along wi’ me. But she doesna’ seem tae git the bits in Gàidhlig at all. An’ she jes’ cocks her heid like on’a me Nan’s auld pullets. She’s a wee bit spooky when she does tha’, I reck’n. But then, anythink tae dae wit’ tha Medic’d be more than a mite touched, in any case. Himself’s a’ways a-doin’ things in th’ lab I’m wiser than tae ask aboot. Tha’ cacklin’ o’ his inna middle o’ the night – brrr! – makes a body try not tae think too hard on it.

Oncet I went tae see her an’ walked in when she was washin’ some rags in th’ water bucket. With her grey feathers a’ swirled aroun’ her like windin’ sheets, the very image o’ a bean nighe – I tell ye Gawd’s truth, I almost had a heart attack reet thar, ha! But lemme tell ye summat strange furra minute. Jes’ a body tae another. A long tiym ago, more’n a year I trow, we had a lass hidin’ on tha base wit’ us ferra coupla’ weeks. Bonnie thing, hitchin’ a ride faer th’ town, a’ tall an’ danger'us curves, like Heavy says, “Pull many ploughs,” d’y’ken? Ach, we had many a chat aboot uisge beatha an’ civil rights in this backward land – noo offense – before she ran away an’ got takkin an’ kilt’ by summat in th’ desert. Verra sad, an’ I miss her of a night sometimes y’knoo. So anyways I once tried takin tha’ leather hood off of herself one night ah went tae see her. And th’ wiy she tilted her heid an’ shone those great moon eyes at me, ‘twas like I saw ae ghost o’ tha’ lass in tha’ profile for a moment. Then I blinked an’ it was gone. I’m no’ daft, ‘tis no’ like they’re anything alike, an’ I know very well th’ lass is long gone, but I felt th’ chill f’r days after. Nivver took th’hood off her ag’in nor since. Our Fionnuala’s a sweet wee thing, but sometimes I feel th’ sport’s lost a certain spark f’ me, ‘specially if a body finds herself weepin’ inna corner like she’s bin lately. Puir thing. I keep offerin’ her some o’ me private stash, ‘t certainly helps me forget m’own woes, y’knoo? But f’ nowt, an’ Ah’m oot o’ ideas.

...Och weel, I need m’self a drink noo, I think. Y’want one? Might go well wit’ tha’ biscuit. No? Y’r loss, laddie.


Translation wank notes:

délai chaîne de fusion (French) – Delay chain-fusing. Pyrotechnics term in which more than one item is linked by a slow fuse, to be ignited in series. Notable in that once initially lit, the operator has no more control over the ignition of the items.

Bean nighe (Scots Gaelic) – psychopomp spirit, similar to a banshee. Appear as an emaciated old woman in graveclothes washing bloodstained sheets in the stream. Signifies the death of the viewer or one close to them.

Gàidhlig – Gaelic language, specifically Scots Gaelic.

Uisge beatha (Scots Gaelic) – Water of Life, referring to whisky.

Lol yea sorry about helping derail the thread (I'm Anon 68 and 75). Haven't much commented on the stories themselves, but honestly you've improved so much since the beginning thread and the Demo might have been the best installment yet. His accent was as thick as the real one's, but not cluttered up excessively or hard to read at all.

Am exhausted and in very bad mood. Sorry. Here's one I prepared earlier. I'm probably going to regret this.
___
Poulette – Totgeschwiegen - Sept
***

I believe you vish to discuss my vork, ja? So. Vhat do you zhink of my little creation? I have been vorking on her for a long time now. I confess I had started with the zhought of making her eine taube like ze others, but ach, her temperament! I had to declaw her early on, after she managed to inflict some scratches zat got infected. Ze medigun does not vork as vell on infection as it does on frank injury, of course. It is strange however, zat vonce ze nail plate is removed, ze nail bed did not thicken or callus; zat vas most unexpected. Her system has tolerated ze orbital implants much more readily – of course you have seen for yourself, Herr Klinge. I think I can be justifiably proud of the job I have done vith meine kleine turmfalke. Vhile the wing grafts did not proceed qvite as I hoped, the endocrine changes are coming along quite vell, if I do say so myself. And I have also achieved fine control of the osteoclast cultu–

Ahem. Of course, you did not come here to discuss the finer points of ze surgical procedure, did you? I do refer to her as my little turmfalke. Just a small conceit, if you like. Like ze lederkappe and jesses I had fabricated for her. It is not as if she is who she was, to be called what she vas called, after all. I did not have much to do with her before, when she was creeping around the base at night and hiding in a storeroom by day. For someone who was meant to be hiding avay, she spent a lot of time talking to the rest of the team! It vas very amusing to vatch her evade ze frantic overtures of ze Scout, I must say. She came into the sickbay once or tvice vhen I vas up late mit papervork, I suppose, and we conversed on recipes for hamantaschen und kuchen, of all things. I do have some small ability vith ze pastry-making; I learned at meine Oma’s knee. A man should be able to feed himself more zan just sanviches und cornflakes, ja? In any case, she did not get underfoot, and I hardly noticed when she disappeared from ze base.

It was only some timelater, after some zhinking, that I decided to exert my considerable skills, I must admit. I am far too busy to simply make empty plots like some dummkopf from der Ahnenerbe! Der Spitzel arrived vone evening vith her unconscious body und strong suggestions from Die Hexe that ve “resolve the problem of her presence”, if not her existence as such. I had at ze time found myself with some considerable spare time on my hands, as well as noted the recent murmurings among ze team. So in a stroke of inspiration I decided on ze elegant solution of simply recycling her for my next project und boosting morale amongst ze men in vone stroke. Vaste not, vant not, as zhey say. Ach, how she fought vhen she voke from sedation. I have not seen ze like since Scout huffed ze outgassing vapours from Demoman’s alembic. Even zhough ze Engineer helped me adjust ze sensory deprivation chamber, still I nearly exhausted my stocks of neuroactives and narcoanalytics on her in ze ensuing veeks. Pharmaceutical amnesia is usually impermanent, as you vell know. I regard ze resulting derealisation und depersonalisation as some of my finest vork. And maintenance of ze state is easy zhrough mere dietary supplementation.

I have seen to her training myself. She has showed no hesitation in performing in any vay requested, vith a pronouced degree of engagement und vith increased bonding criticality. I do remember to put her zhrough her paces from time to time, und I have heard no complaints from ze ozhers. Lately, her presentation has seemed somevhat erratic, so adjustments in ongoing dosage have been necessary. Unfortunately, ze extensive musculoskeletal modifications I have made have also resulted in certain …physical limits. Alzhough I did not build in planned obsolescence, I admit zhat I vill feel some slight regret at her senescence. But zhen, sometimes vone has to make sacrifices for vone’s art, ja?
****

Translation Notes:

Ahnenerbe (German) – German think tank founded in 1935 by Himmler, among others, to research the anthropological and cultural history of the Aryan race. Often strayed into pseudo-mysticism, but not as badly as the Thule Society.
Die Hexe (German) – witch or harridan
Hamantaschen (Yiddish) – “Haman’s hats” – triangular pastries, usually filled with jam or preserves. Traditionally eaten at the Jewish festival of Purim.
Kuchen (German) – cakes and baked goods
Lederkappe (German) – leather hood or cap
Der Spitzel (German) – Spy. Connotations of informer, stool pigeon, traitor.
Taube (German) – dove or pigeon
Totgeschwiegen (German) – hushed, quieted. Connotations of suppression and cover-ups.
Turmfalke (German) – kestrel

I love the German. I tried to read it without the wank notes, but I couldn't. Damn its rusty for me.

I love how he depersonalises her at first. She is a thing, a series of procedures. Then he tries to emphasise with her, but fails. He sees her as a bird, something he owns, something thats no longer a person. It fits well, has great tone, good headspace. Is it me, or your development of these characters is getting much more... good... ech I can't think of the word. Or is it that now, I can see what she sees, I can see the things that she was subjected to? Her pain is understandable. Her previous state more correct?

Eh looks like Im talking out of my ass there. Sorry. But I think that now, its starting to pull together, the bits I didn't like, her vagueness has been fleshed out by the other men. I can draw on how she sees them to how they speak of themselves and her. Its becoming almost symbiotic in how to read this. <3

Mael

Wow. This version of Medic is good and deranged, possibly moreso than any I've written. I'm afraid, now. Well done, Mus.

simply recycling her
Utterly matter-of-fact. Utterly chilling.

Vaste not, vant not indeed.

>>79
Hiya Mael. Thanks for reading along with me all this time! I'm glad the edges of the picture are starting to fill in for you.

>>80 >>81
Thanks guys. I personally love how internally consistent Medic's professional narcissism is. I only really had to nudge him a little further down the road from the MtM canon and make him a little prissier and more meticulous. Unlike in SirKai's Indoktrination up-page, I tried to show that he really is as good as he thinks he is. And my medical background came in handy here.

...Could I possibly get some concrit on the Demo piece, pretty please? I found that one really hard, so I'd like to know where I missed stuff.

I have no idea. I thought it was amazing. Same for Medic. I wish I could handle dialect that well. I especially like how she doesn't know what to think of Demo but he's really no worse than anyone else has been. I'm a little surprised when Scout and Heavy realized it but Demo didn't. I suppose he didn't interact with her as much before her change or else he was doing his best to fool himself or feign ignorance because that's easier to live with.

I'm afraid I didn't get Pauling's letter at all. But then I don't know what SRC stands for...

>>83
Thank you, Dove-The-Unoriginal. It took weeks of research to write that dialect mishmash, so I'm really a happy you think so well of it!

Heavy is far smarter than the rest of the team often give him credit. Scout may not have twigged; if he does realise, it's probably not something he has allowed himself to admit. Medic's done a good job of obscuring her identity by changing her appearance. While still blond, he swapped out her eyes and larynx for bird parts. As Demo said, she started out quite statuesque, verging on Amazonian. Now with depersonalisation, extensive keloid, emaciation and induced bone loss, she's shorter and frail of stature. (Although it clearly amused him to keep her tits intact. Fanservice?) Add to that the dark environment, the hood, and the ease of denial in the human mind, it's a wonder anyone figured it out at all.

SCP stands for 'Secure. Contain. Protect.'(http://www.scp-wiki.net/about-the-scp-foundation) and refers to a fictional shadowy quasi-scientific organisation that finds paranormal artifacts/creatures and either contains or destroys them. Marshall, Carter and Dark are one of the groups of interest to the SCP Foundation. (http://www.scp-wiki.net/mc-d) Tiny little shout-out and crossover for my amusement.

>>84

It took weeks of research
It definitely shows! I mean, I'm not an expert or anything remotely close to one (I've heard Demo and I've heard a few other, possibly more accurate but not necessarily, Scottish accents in the past) but it looked pretty legit to me.

I don't understand though. Is SPC purely an internet thing or is it inspired by something? (Frankly, I've always wanted to see a Hellboy or Sandman crossover.)

And I wasn't trying to suggest that Heavy or Scout were dumb. I simply wondered what the key distinctions were. Though yeah, that's a considerable difference in appearance.

>>85
The Demo mishmash I wrote is actually an unholy mix of Glaswegian, Irish and a smattering of Cornwall. There's remarkably little out there I found on Scottish myth though, so the Fionnuala and the Children of Lir is an Irish tale. And typically tragic.

SPC actually started out as a creepypasta site, that later grew further and larger. So there are shout-outs galore. Part of the fun is seeing if you can spot any reinvented mythic or fictional content in the SCPs.

I don't personally see any of the team as dumb. I like to think that Heavy has a much more analytical mindset than Scout does, which leads to pattern recognition with fragmentary evidence. Mind you, it's all too easy for anyone to dismiss hunches through overenthusiastic use of Occam's Razor, like Demo did.

Hmm.
Mimi?
Where did she go?
Did the SCP website eat her? :P

SCP stands for Secure. Contain. Protect.
Which, I'm sure, is where SighFie found inspiration for Warehouse 13's "Snag, Bag and Tag."

Ok...I'm back from a long week of finals! It's been three days since I last posted but I don't think I could've missed that much in thr--

Ack! +15 posts and two updates in three days?! What happened?! (And Mus has a medical background? That's awesome!)

Sorry. It was one of those weeks where I went for 33 hours without sleep. It was actually pretty awesome since I finished writing a short story about a man who was solid in a world where everyone is transparent on the same day that I performed at an end-of-the-year literary reading where I read another one of my stories about a girl in a mental asylum. So it was a pretty creative week for me, but I guess it's been bad for my internet life.

I'm about to go out with friends, but I have a lot to say about the Demo and Medic posts and will type them up quickly as possible when I get back. I'm also flattered that my presence here can be noticed and missed, and that my critiques have apparently become a natural element of the thread. Thanks, Mus!

>>86

Oh, I didn't mean the mythology. I meant the accent. I knew the mythology wasn't Scottish because I've had the same problem before. I suppose being able to read the Scottish Gaelic language would help but I'm not in that position.

And though Miss Pauling called the mercs dumb in Meet the Director, I've never been able to see them that way or write them that way (not really; contradictory and reckless but not strictly speaking stupid.) Very good point about dismissing hunches, as they are all too easy to dismiss.

Demo Crit:

Was it the language or the content that was hard to write? If the content was hard for you, it doesn't show. This chap. pretty much builds and expands on how he was portrayed in the first one-shot. There he was cheerfully perverted, and here he is cheerfully perverted. I like how it's confirmed that he inadvertently hurts Angel less out of sadism and more out of ignorance. My favorite line is the part where Angel "comforts" Demo for "hurting" him. It's the kind of thing I've imagined for her, and it just shows how far gone she is that she's apologizing to her captors.

Since the language is a mish-mash of dialects in and around Scotland, it's prolly hilariously wrong, but this is still TF2. So I'll just pretend that Demo's parents made him get jobs across the UK as the kid, and that's where he got all the broken dialects. At first, I wished the Demo had recognized something tangible about Angel instead of seeing a vision, but if there's one guy on the team who'd turned his subconscious conclusions into hallucinations, it'd be Demo.

One possible concrit for this chap. is that it doesn't necessarily add depth to Demo's character; it shows that he lusts after Angel without thinking of her mental health and that he's not involved in the more sinister aspects of her background, but that was already established in the one-shot. He remains a simple character. On the other hand, this simplicity could be a good thing, since it distinguishes Demoman from those suffering lust/guilt/denial and those directly assisting in Medic's sadism. I agree with you that none of the classes are dumb, but I think some are more simple than the others, so perhaps it makes sense that characters like Demo would have less introspection and complexity.

(Holy crap, the Medic's chapter already?! His sadism and "FOR SCIENCE" mindset is my favorite part of TF2 /afandom/!)

The fact that you do a good job of showing his mad doktor mindset should go without saying, what with all the technical terms he uses and the way he discusses Angel's "conditioning" as if it were just another academic presentation, ground-breaking but normal. And the plot developments here are just thrilling. (Spy and Engie not only knew, but they actively helped him!)

A critique I've made earlier continues to apply here: more specific detail. The scientific terms you have in spades, but I would like to see more examples of dialogue and behavior: the exact steps the Medic took to change Angel (and he personally "trained" her, eh? Is that we're they're calling it now? Brrrr...), what he says to Engie to get him to go along, etc. This is especially the case for our protagonist; I want to see how she rebels, what she says and does, and how her actions change as she gradually becomes replaced by her Angel persona. If you can't fit that into Medic's interview, perhaps you could add chapters with "transcripts" of voice or video recordings that the Medic might have kept as he was operating on and conditioning her.

I feel weird requesting to see more of a lady getting tortured and depersonalized, but I guess there have been worse requests on this chan? Plus, a large part of why I'm interested is the psychology of it all. It's scary to think of a strong person being broken, and I guess I deal with scary things by learning more about how they happen. And showing Angel fighting, showing her before she became Angel, would be a form of respect, right?

Also, what's this about senescence? No, Angel, don't die!

This post has been deleted.

I have decided to shoehorn space for plotbunnies. Because they bite if I don't. It's not like I fucking need sleep or anything anyway. Now, with 70% more trauma! Extra points if you spot the references.
ETA: Reposted to erase typos. Woohoo, it worked!
___

Poulette - bissen - huit
***

I can’t stop moving. My clattering heart has sped to almost a hum, and my lungs ache. I have no appetite, and eat maybe every two or three daynights. I scrape the dish into the slops bucket in the far corner. I am always drinking; my mouth is constantly dry with nausea.

I can see now, even in this dim light. I can see what has changed. I remember being taller. I remember when I didn’t have these scaled, leathery shins like greaves. I remember when I could walk with my soles flat on the floor, not this awkward teetering on the balls of my feet, knees bent and shaking. These two heavy breasts drag at my breathing, miraculously unscarred islands on my laced and scribbled body, malign globular jokes on this traitor emaciated frame. I don’t know if I hate them; I try to forget them.

I can remember things I wish I didn’t. Cut and cut and cut again, drugged half-awake in the swirling, sparking clouds of vapour. Thankfully the voices come and go. (“..Nie wieder allein, nie wieder frei sein..”) My nails were removed like a housewife would peel an onion. Used and used and used and thrown away, an empty skin full of static and screams.

My mind shies away from remembering the God Box. I remember waking after the first time, drinking in the taste of salt and bitter almonds. Mouths and words I could not hear. Moving in slow motion; drowning in oil and white light. Blood heat and fluttering steel fingers. I dare not sleep, even if I wanted to; h(a)unting, recurrent visions of a huge tree draped in (alien) bones, and the pitiless bright (blue) eyes of a brace of great, black birds.

I’ve tried to tear apart the book, to throw it away, but every time I touch or even look at it, I start crying. I have hidden it in a crack between the wall and some shelves, so I do not need to see it. I have not seen the grey one who gifted it more than that once. My skin feels hot, then cold. I fling myself at the wall and flail, slamming again and again on rough cut stone. Last week, I kept at it until bones shattered and grated, until I fainted. When I woke and looked up, the broken skin had left feathered wing prints. My fingers are bleeding again. I’m painting with them, as high on the walls as I can reach. Lines and shapes and figures. I’m approaching (geometric) true circles; I made one yesterday and couldn’t stop looking at it.

I am creating beauty in this place.

The last time the big one came, he wrinkled his nose at the scent, and walked out again. I heard voices roaring in argument while I hid. He returned with the vapour (gun) device, playing its sparks over where I lay. The tickle of knitting tissue (ligaments) left me with a vague sense of disappointment. He bathed my back for long minutes to rinse off the dry blood and crooned a story of a fox, a rabbit and a rooster. He just held me, and left without using me. Sometimes a new thing; sometimes he comes now with the thin one, and they just sit and wordlessly stroke my hair and my hands and feet, until I fall into blessed dreamless sleep.

The loud one doesn’t come any more.

I've been having a lot of trouble reading this fic because the characterization of most characters is so utterly and completely different from my personal interpretation of canon that I feel like they are different characters entirely.
Of course, given how little canon we are given to begin with, it's just a matter of different personal interpretations, not OOCness in and of itself, so this isn't a criticism, it's just an explanation for why I can't give this story as a whole any objective constructive criticism and have to focus on details.

So here is my crit: Spy's actions, which trigger the whole story, seem illogical to me.

He received orders from the Administrator to "resolve the problem of her presence," so he knocked her out, left her torn and bloodied skirt to make it look like she was taken by wild animals, and gave her to Medic. Even if we assume that Spy is a total 100% sociopath, the last part simply makes no sense in a purely practical sense.

In order to "resolve the problem of her presence," she had to either be killed or kicked out of the base. About the former, the simplest way was for Spy to kill her himself, and about the latter, the simplest way was for Spy to tell Sniper to drive her to the nearest town. Giving her to Medic just seems completely unnecessary, roundabout, and even potentially dangerous.

If the point was that Spy expected Medic to kill her and dispose of her corpse, doing that himself would have been much simpler; she is a defenceless and unarmed civilian with no Respawn, and they are in the middle of a desert with canyons and wild animals.
If Spy felt bad about killing her and wanted to make somebody else do it, then Medic would have been by far the last person on the list, as Medic happily tells his teammates about his hobby of experimenting on people in horrible ways (patient with no skeleton, anyone?), so if anything giving her to Medic would have made Spy feel even worse.
If Spy wanted to make her disappear quietly, again it would have been much simpler if he had done it himself, and again Medic would have been by far the last person on the list as his experiments tend to be very noticeable and attract a lot of attention.

However I look at it, there is just no reason for Spy to involve Medic at all.

>>96
Hey Millia! Great to have you on board all this time.
Wow, you have clearly put a lot of thought into this. I agree with you that there is no real reason for Spy to involve Medic, given the facts so far. However there is more to come.

Teaser point: Engineer upthread mentioned that they were "not far from White Sands", the Trinity testing site in New Mexico. But Heavy said that "Sniper said taken by dingo". Someone's not telling the whole truth.

Oh look... its progression!

And its our strange bird lady.

Ok, I know why the bracketed dialogue is there. But don't like it. It breaks the flow. Actually, I'm not a fan of the use of brackets but then thats another pet gripe.

This has more motion. The idea she is becoming something is stronger, but I feel now that I have more of an idea of whats going on, Im feeling that this is part of a crescendo - something that is part of a larger missing piece. I don't know if I like it because Im expecting something that isn't going to happen yet? Am I reading too much into this?

Also, I will add, that because I feel that its part of something a little bigger, its missing the core elements of what the start is. In saying that, its getting earthed. Its becoming more real, breaking that ethereal link to the mind. And its a little jarring.

Technically, theres something there that's not quite right. I need to think on this to work out what that is. *muses*

There might be no reason for Spy to involve Medic except he might be just a prick. I dunno.

Meanwhile, god Im tired. Read this, listen to Requiem, and now I will have strange dreams. Awesome!

Guess I owe you some answers. Post viral fatigue is the worst for making one's head feel stuffed with lint.
______

Poulette - Coup d'Å“il
***

Yeah, I remember driving her back to the base. Fine, strappin’ sheila like that, any bloke’d stop fer that big smile, and no mistake. Picked her up on the side of the road a little ways outta town, said she was headin’ over East. We got ta chattin’ in the cab up front and before I know it, I find meself offerin’ ta let her lob in and bunk down in one a’ the storerooms on the base fer a few. I mean, s’not like she’d be around long, and she swore up an’ down that the blue she was dodgin’ wasn’t anything ta do with the coppers. Guess I’m a bit of a soft touch fer charity cases, eh? ‘Specially those that ain’t shy about pretendin’ not ta spot me havin’ a bit of a perve at their curvy bits. Bloody funny it was, when we got in, the looks on their faces! Like they’d never seen a pair before, much less attached to a livin’, breathin’ girlie. Scout practically dropped like a rock; I reckon all the blood left his head in one go, the silly dill. The poor girl had to keep fobbing him off, and that bastard Frenchman got all huffy when she turned him down too. And as fer Truckie and Solly, bloody hell. As if the blushing an’ stammering weren’t bad enough, the helmets full of flowers that kept randomly turning up in the kitchen were just priceless. Like when I overheard them arguing over whose turn it was to guard th’ showers so Scout wouldn’t sneak in on her. Heh.

She liked nothin’ more than ta sit with Heavy or Demo, yarning of an evening over a stubby or two. Her impression of Medic spitting the dummy was hilarious. I think I pissed m’self laughing once or twice. She would listen all night ta stories of back home, and I swear it was a near thing the next day fer us more than once, the number of times we stayed up late blabberin’ away. A really sweet girl, y’know? And not bad with the throwing stick, for a beginner. I think the leaves out back are still feelin’ it. Anyway, so after a coupla weeks the sheila was a bit sloppy about hidin’ away, and the Slapper Upstairs spotted her on cam and got her little typist ta ring up and let us know that she’s ropeable about it. Demo managed ta talk her down, saying the sheila’d be gone soon, and the Boss shut up about it right enough. That poor secretary – ya gotta feel fer her sometimes, having ta put up with such a right whinger for a boss. She sometimes rings up for a chat; nice girl. Our sheila however, caught wind of the call and it damned near scared her white. She did a runner, heading back out towards the highway. Next thing I know, the Spy’s draggin’ me off ta track her down fer the Dragon Lady, dribbling some shit about how the sheila’s not allowed ta talk about us to any civilians, and I do my nut. Didn’t want ta have a bar of “disappearing her” or nothing, I mean, she’s just a kid in uni ferchrissakes. So the bloody Frenchman fed me some crap about getting Medic ta give her some sort of Forget Juice before we let her go off again, and I believed him, like a fuckin’ dickhead. So we found her, knocked her out, and he took her to the sickbay.

Had no idea what the bloody madman had planned fer her, I swear. Dead set. I can’t even believe that I forgot all about her in there after a week, goin’ back to the fighting like always. Didn’t even twig when Medic showed up with a faceful of bloody scratches an’ muttering in German. And when he took us in to show her off, I knew. She’s sitting naked on the table, and even with that stupid helmet thing, and the wings, and the scars and everything (an’ I know this is going ta make me sound like some pervy sicko), I knew. The Scout starts hollerin’ about getting’ his rocks off, and I actually feel downright sick to my stomach. It’s all I could do ta stand there and not punch him out right then and there. I mean, we should’ve known. I should’ve known. We’ve all seen the things he does to those pigeons he says he loves so much.

I do go in to see her, even though it fair breaks me heart every time. I mean, it’s my fault she’s here, and my fault he turned her into that thing. Every time, she’s still sweet and warm and lovin’, like before. I like ta think she remembers me, you know? In spite of everything that bloody wanker has done to her. Remember those scratches? That freak pulled out her fingernails just because she got in a lucky shot! He even butchered her throat so she can only make bird sounds. But I found she can still whisper so we talk some that way. I don’t even want ta think what else she’s gone through. Heavy was tellin’ me the other day that it’s getting worse, that he went to see her and she was all broken bones and blood. He actually snatched the medigun off Medic to give her a dose. He was just going to leave her lying there – Oh gawd. Hang on. Give us a mo’.

Yeah, mate. ’M okay. I just got somethin’ in my eye, 's all.

***
Translation note:
Coup d'œil (French) – A blow or strike to the eye (literal), a glimpse (figurative). Refers in a military setting to the ability to discern at a glance the tactical disadvantages of a given terrain. Considered an important skill in artillery troops and snipers.

Mus,

This is good. He tied together some of the threads, to show when things happened to her. He also has filled in the beginning bits rather admirably.

And Sniper crying - awwww...

Eh... Sniper is just too wanker for me... to review... cause seriously, this reminds me of people I serve at work...