EPISODE SIX Scout and Pyro have snuck out of their homes and are sitting on the swingsets at the elementary school. It is presumed to be late at night. Scout asks Pyro what he left for. Pyro sighs and looks up at the stars as there is a flashback sequence. Pyro’s dad is cooking on the grill for dinner, while Pyro’s mother is tidying up the house. Pyro is working on building a flamethrower out of matches so he can light it with a real flamethrower later. Things are going well until Pyro’s mother enters the kitchen wearing a rather fancy woman’s dress instead of her normal hazmat suit. She still has her helmet on, however. Pyro gives her thumbs up and says that it asserts her femininity better than that suit usually does. She agrees, and goes to show Pyro’s father. Muffled yells are heard as Pyro’s father berates Pyro’s mother for wearing something like that. He says that it’s too frail and he doesn’t enjoy it one bit. He then goes on to say that the Pyro family isn’t about looking good it’s about being one with the flame. Pyro isn’t sure what his father means by that but he doesn’t appreciate the yelling. He goes outside to tell his father to stop it, but his father says that Pyro was never very good at starting fires anyway. Pyro shakes his fist angrily and storms out of the house. Fade to Scout and Pyro in the present time. Scout nods understandingly and takes Pyro’s side on the matter, adding that he thinks he’s very good at starting fires, especially the ones in Sniper’s yard. Pyro laughs beneath his mask and then (presumably) asks Scout what happened in HIS house. Scout burps and retells the story. Another flashback reveals Scout finding the apple on his head after he had nodded off for a bit. He takes a bite and then throws it at the wall, angry that it’s red and not green. He calls for Soldier to tell him that he’s retarded, only to find that there’s nothing there except a note. The camera zooms in on the note. “Dear son, I went to buy some booze. Love, dad.†Scout crumples the note and tosses it onto the floor. Demo comes in and picks it up, putting it into the trash and crossing his arms. He scolds Scout for littering in his own home, and provides a humorous anecdote about the times when he would litter when he was young and how it did him no good. Scout doesn’t seem to understand and sits there with a blank look on his face. Demo retreats to the basement to shoot pool. Scout takes the time to reflect on Soldier’s parenting skills. He feels sad that he doesn’t seem to care that he has a son at all, and wishes that Heavy were his dad instead of his uncle. Scout then feels awkward for wishing that since Heavy is kind of a weird dude. He then gets angry and smashes Soldier’s favorite vase against the wall, opens the door to the basement and yells at Demo that he’s going out to smack some bitches, and leaves. A brief shot of Demo shows him playing pool with small shot glasses on wheels. EPISODE SEVEN Sniper is sitting in his armchair and watching TV early in the morning. He takes a sip of coffee even though he has a cigarette in his mouth. The weather comes on and as the reporter announces that it’ll be “really fucking hotâ€, Sniper sighs. He looks over to the mantelpiece and to the picture sitting there. Sniper comments that hot weather reminds him of whatever’s in the photo. The picture is obscured. He gets up, dumps his coffee down the sink, and opens the fridge to get a beer instead. There is a brief shot of something large, vaguely human-shaped and frozen. Cue ominous music. Scout is sitting on the porch in his backyard with his baseball bat over his shoulder. He’s very bored since Pyro and his family are at church. He says to himself that he thinks church is stupid and he doesn’t get it anyway. Soldier can be seen looking through the sliding glass door at Scout. He says nothing. Suddenly, Scout sees something that gets his attention and jumps up, startling Soldier. Soldier then goes to pester Demo about going to play ball with Scout or something, since he has to take care of the tax returns. Cut to a shot of Scout crouching down in the grass, wrinkling his nose and retching. “Oh. My. Gawd. What the FUCK is that?†The camera swivels around to reveal a baby Tentaspy in the grass, presumably abandoned by some poor shmuck who didn’t want it anymore. The Tentaspy blinks at Scout with it’s enormous eyes and giggles. Scout covers his mouth to stop himself from barfing on it, then pokes it with his bat. The baby Tentaspy wraps its tentacles around the bat and take it from Scout before hitting him over the head with it. Scout curses loudly and grabs his head, jumping up and running inside. Except he hits the glass door. Meanwhile, Sniper has taken to looking out of his window again in Scout’s backyard to see what all the ruckus is about. He sees the Tentaspy and smiles a little, feeling a pang of sympathy for the little thing. He then reminds himself that it’s probably all slimy and prone to sticking its appendages in places they don’t belong. Sniper shrugs and goes back to watching TV. Scout is now staring out the window at the baby Tentaspy as well, eyes wide and his hands against the glass. Tentacles are visible waving about in the grass. Scout jogs in place nervously as he tries to think about what to do. He considers calling Soldier, but doesn’t really want to see Tentaspy guts all over the place. He phones Pyro to see if they’ve returned from church. They haven’t. Scout calls his uncle Heavy and begins to loudly retell the events of the past half hour or so. Heavy can be heard over the phone yelling excitedly at the news. He says he’ll come over immediately. Demo, as well, has entered the kitchen and has been listening to Scout on the phone. Demo advises Scout to keep the Tentaspy away from Soldier, since he doesn’t allow pets in the home. Scout agrees. Fade to Sniper’s living room, where he seems to be playing solitaire. The phone rings. It’s Engie again, asking if Sniper wants to go bowling with him. Sniper declines and sets the phone down gently. He looks at the picture above the fireplace again, and this time half of it is visible. Just Sniper is visible, and it looks like he’s standing there with someone else. He’s waving to the camera. Heavy has arrived at the Scout household and is wanting to know where the baby Tentaspy is. Scout tells him to quiet the fuck down before he scares it, and Heavy clamps his hand over his mouth just to make sure. Scout, Heavy, and Demo all walk outside cautiously. There is a brief shot of the tentacles waving in the grass again. They inch toward it slowly. When they finally reach it they all crouch down. The baby Tentaspy has fallen asleep and is snoring. Heavy is enchanted by it and asks if they can keep it. Demo seems to like it, as well, and Scout comments that maybe it’s just a little cute. Heavy picks it up and cradles it like a human baby. Scout says that it’s sort of sick for him to do that, since it’s obviously not human. Demo tells Scout to stop being such a douchebag. Soldier is heard pulling into the driveway. Heavy, Scout, and Demo all freeze. Heavy shoves the Tentaspy into Scout’s arms and tells him to hide it somewhere safe. EPISODE EIGHT Scout is shown in school near his locker, holding the baby Tentaspy out in front of him. He tells the Tentaspy that he’s going to have to stay in the locker for the day and that he can’t get into any trouble. Tentaspy gives Scout a look and pinches his hands with some tentacles. Scout curses and tells Tentaspy he really means it, or else they’ll be having calamari for school lunch tomorrow. Scout also takes the time to remind Tentaspy of the events of last night. Flashback. Scout runs out of the room as Soldier returns home. Heavy and Demo are standing there as though nothing is wrong. Soldier plods to the kitchen table and sits down. He stares. No one moves. Soldier sniffs the air and pauses, then asks if anyone wants to have sushi for dinner. Tentaspy remembers and nods sadly, waving his tentacles at Scout. Suddenly, Pyro taps Scout on the shoulder, who jumps and lets out a small scream. Pyro giggles, then stops upon seeing the Tentaspy. He gestures at it and shrugs. Scout explains what it is and where he got it from, and that yes, it did have the mini suit and ski mask on when he found it. Pyro suggests putting it in the aquarium in the science wing, but Scout says that he can never trust a man who teaches science for a living. He doesn’t elaborate. Scout shoves Tentaspy into the locker and tells him to be good as he and Pyro rush off to shop class. A sad shot is shown of Tentaspy waving one of his tentacles sadly, then discovering that Scout hadn’t closed his locker all the way. Cut to a scene of shop class, where Engie is explaining the finer points of a flux capacitor. Scout discovers he has some of Tentaspy’s slime on his hand and wipes some on Pyro’s suit. Pyro punches Scout in the arm and wipes it onto the kid next to him. The process is repeated until the last kid wipes it on Engie’s ass as he’s writing out some complicated equations. Everyone in the class giggles. Meanwhile, Sniper has been cleaning the floors with a new waxer. He discovers a strange trail of slime leading out of and back into someone’s locker, and goes to investigate. He opens the locker and finds Tentaspy sitting in there, chewing on a chocolate bar he must have found from the cafeteria. Sniper closes the locker, cleans the slime from the floor, and then opens it again. Tentaspy waves one of its tentacles at Sniper, who then lowers his aviators to look more closely. “Jesus Christ.†EPISODE NINE Sniper is still leaning over and looking at the baby Tentaspy, who giggles and waves a tentacle in a friendly manner. Sniper shakes his head and goes to close the locker door. “No, mate, I know your type.†He opens the door. “You go an’ rape people just because you can.†He closes the door. “But you are kinda cute.†He pauses, then opens it again. The baby Tentaspy sniffles. Sniper’s lower lip trembles and he picks it up out of the locker and puts it into his bucket full of water. It splashes around and he tells it to be quiet or else he’ll just toss it out the window. Cue a shot of Engie’s class, where he has taken Pyro and Scout into the hallway to reprimand them about passing slime around the classroom. He then reprimands them even more for ruining his new pair of overalls. Scout comments that overalls are for rednecks anyway, prompting Engie to go on a rant about how many PhDs he has. Scout wonders aloud why Engie’s working in a backwater school if he’s got so many degrees. Engie bites his lip and sniffles loudly while looking into space vacantly. Pyro feels bad. Sniper and Tentaspy then pass the three of them in the hallway. Pyro, Scout, and Engie all stop to look at the baby in the bucket. Sniper whistles as he walks by, waving to Engie for once. Engie blushes a little and waves back shyly. Scout pauses a minute before he realizes that the baby Tentaspy was basically stolen. “YOU FAGGOT!†Scout tries to flag Sniper down, but he has already picked up the Tentaspy and has begun to run away with it. Pyro shrugs at Engie, who is still standing there dumbly, and follows Scout. Sniper heads out the back door into the soccer field, interrupting the big game of the season and trailing slime everywhere. He yells to Scout that it’s his Tentaspy now because he’s the only one who can take care of it right. Scout asks how the hell Sniper knows how to take care of a mutant. Baby Tentaspy hears this and starts to cry, crippling the two of them and everyone else on the field. Everyone falls to their knees and covers their ears. Pyro is shown leading Engie outside just in time for the crying to stop. While everyone is still recovering from the death-cry, Pyro quickly scoops up the Tentaspy and shows it to Scout. Scout gives Pyro a thumbs up. Pyro then begins to run to Scout’s house, holding the Tentaspy out in front of him so he doesn’t get slime all over his clothes. Scout runs after Pyro, but not before kicking Sniper in the groin and calling him a baby-stealing lunatic. Engie rushes over to help Sniper up, and suggests that they go after those crazy kids. Sniper nods and they both rush after Pyro and Scout. The soccer players all want to go home. Cut to a shot of Soldier and Heavy sitting in lounge chairs on the front lawn. Soldier is trying to get a tan. Scout and Pyro come barreling down the hillside, yelling and holding the baby Tentaspy up in the air. Soldier sits up and tries to see what’s going on, spotting Engie and Sniper coming up on the horizon. EPISODE TEN Scout and Pyro get closer to Soldier and Heavy, Pyro beginning to wave Tentaspy around in the air wildly. Tentaspy looks a bit ill because of it. Soldier jumps up and starts yelling for them to stop running, his sunglasses falling off his face to reveal an embarrassing tanline. Heavy tells Soldier to let kids run because that’s what kids do, but Soldier comments on the appearance of baby Tentaspy. Heavy remembers that they had to hide baby Tentaspy from Soldier when it was first discovered, and jumps up as well, shouting for Pyro and Scout to run somewhere else before Soldier sees the Tentaspy and does something awful. Scout and Pyro keep running anyway, and come to a halt once they reach Soldier and Heavy. Scout points to the horizon and says that Sniper and Engie have gone batshit and are trying to steal the baby, while Pyro hugs Tentaspy and lets out a sad sigh. Tentaspy looks at Soldier cutely, putting its hands on its cheeks and giggling. Soldier lifts up his helmet a little and stares, saying nothing. He is briefly reminded of Scout’s childhood. Fade to a flashback, where Scout’s mom is holding a baby Scout and smiling. Scout looks at Soldier the same way the Tentaspy did and giggles. Soldier is shown, looking happy and not mentally unstable. Cut to a shot of the present again, where Soldier has begun to stare at Scout, who fidgets around nervously for a few seconds. Heavy says nothing. A tear forms in Soldier’s eye and he says to Scout that they have to protect this baby freak of nature. He takes his helmet off and turns it upside down, taking Tentaspy from Pyro and putting it into the helmet. He sets the helmet in the grass and tells Tentaspy to stay put until the ass-kicking is over. Scout and Pyro run over to the helmet as well, crouching in the grass and watching, giving each other hi-fives. Soldier and Heavy raise their fists and look threatening as Sniper and Engie reach the backyard. A brief shot is shown, consisting of Scout calling Medic and saying that he should come over real quick ‘cause there was some serious carnage about to go down. Sniper and Engie say that they’ve come for the baby Tentaspy. Soldier says that they couldn’t take care of a baby if their lives depended on it. Sniper seems very offended by this and goes to punch Soldier. Soldier dodges and tosses Sniper to the grass with a pro-wrestling move and makes an unnecessary comment about his Australian heritage. Engie and Heavy pause briefly and feel awkward about it before starting to fight with each other. Medic arrives at the scene a bit later, and tells everyone to halt with an authoritative and very loud megaphone. They all pause. The camera moves to Engie and Heavy: Heavy has lifted Engie into the air as though he’s about to throw him. The camera then moves to Sniper and Soldier: Sniper has Soldier in a headlock and is giving him what looks like a noogie with extremely dirty knuckles. Finally, the camera gives us a shot of Scout and Pyro, who had made popcorn and were sharing it with the Tentaspy. Medic comments on how they’re all idiots, and herds everyone inside. Cut to a shot of Soldier’s living room, where everyone is sitting in a circle on ottomans. Medic has a clipboard and is apparently conducting a faux-psychiatric evaluation. He asks everyone to explore their pasts and think of what would make them so angry and violent. Scout and Pyro roll their eyes at each other and grab Tentaspy from the helmet and sneak outside. No one seems to notice. Soldier begins by commenting that it hurt him that he never got into the army for real. He then tries to make himself seem manlier by saying he was a damn good soldier without anyone’s help. He pauses and sniffles into a handkerchief. Snot dribbling from his nose, he tells everyone that what hurt him most of all was that Scout’s mother left him for a “French faggot†and doesn’t call very much anymore. Soldier then says that he wishes he could be a better father for Scout, even though he’s an insufferable little brat. Heavy pats Soldier on the shoulder lightly, and then begins his story. He says that he wishes he wasn’t sent to Russia when he was a child, because he missed out on quality time with Soldier, his only sibling. He also comments on the lack of sandwiches in Russia, something that made him very sad. Soldier asks Heavy why he was sent to Russia in the first place, to which Heavy replies that he has no idea. A brief shot of Medic is shown: he is taking fake notes and checking Heavy out. Mostly checking Heavy out. Engie adjusts his hardhat and laments that he works for the school, saying that it’s stupid and that he knows he’s destined for better work. He then recalls the time the government came and confiscated his plans for something called a “sentry†that he had invented. He pounds his hand into his fist as he curses the army, saying that they’re going to need a sentry someday and when they do, he won’t build one for them. He also remarks, quietly, that it makes him angry that Scout and Pyro throw eggs at his car even though he read in an issue of Seventeen magazine that egg yolks help make your car shinier. The camera pans to Sniper dramatically as he takes off his hat and looks at the ground. Everyone looks at him very seriously. He talks about his younger years in Australia, where one day he found an abandoned Koala. He felt bad for it so he took it under his wing, teaching it the ways of the warrior and even showing it how to shoot a gun. He tells everyone he named the koala Anne, after his sister-in-law for reasons he doesn’t explain. A few quick flashback shots are shown, mostly of Sniper and Anne chillin’ and havin’ a good time in Australia together. Sniper says he was with Anne for 5 years, almost to the day. His expression saddens as he grips his hat a little harder, explaining that Anne was killed by a kangaroo. Fade to a scene where a kangaroo is shown kicking Anne in the gut, then to one of Sniper punching the kangaroo in the face. Sniper says he buried Anne under her favorite eucalyptus tree, then flew to America to escape the bad memories and start a new life. He also says that he took the kangaroo’s body on the plane in a suitcase as carry-on luggage, and once in his new home put it into his fridge. He isn’t sure why, but he felt like it was what he had to do. The camera pans around to everyone’s faces. They all look shocked, horrified, and suddenly aware of what sort of man Sniper is. Fade to Sniper’s living room, where the picture on the mantelpiece is finally shown in its entirety: it’s a picture of Sniper, holding Anne and smiling at the camera. Engie puts a comforting hand on Sniper’s and they look at each other. Sniper smiles a little and Engie blushes. Medic clears his throat and says that the examination is over and that they’re all fucking crazy. He then invites Heavy to his car for a different sort of examination. Heavy’s eyes light up and he says yes, waving goodbye to Soldier. Soldier then calls for Demo, who tears ass out of the basement and asks what’s wrong. Soldier tells Demo to go look for Pyro and Scout, and to tell them to get the fuck back into the house because he needs to have a very serious talk with them. Demo looks at Sniper and Engie, who are gazing into each others’ eyes and holding hands, before going into the backyard and calling for the two boys. Meanwhile, Soldier takes the time to call Scout’s mother over the phone. She asks what the hell he wants and he explains what’s been happening. “Your son is out of control!†he says angrily. Cut to a shot of Scout and Pyro hiding behind the couch with the Tentaspy. Scout heard all of Soldier’s conversation and takes it to mean that Soldier doesn’t love him anymore. Offended, he stands up suddenly and calls Soldier a dickhead before running out of the house crying. Pyro says something muffled and tries to stop Scout, but fails. Soldier says to Pyro that Scout will be back eventually and that he shouldn’t worry. Demo wanders back in and grabs Pyro by the collar, holding him up and loudly proclaiming that he found one of the kids. Soldier facepalms while Tentaspy giggles. Cut to a shot several hours later, after the sun had set. They are all in Soldier’s house for one reason or another. Sniper and Engie are playing with baby Tentaspy and look very happy. Demo is drinking with Heavy and Medic, who are basically groping each other in front of everyone. Soldier asks Pyro if he knows where Scout is. Pyro shrugs angrily and says that he wouldn’t know, because he hasn’t went looking for him like he wanted to. Soldier doesn’t understand a word and calls Scout’s mother again, telling her that she should come over asap because her stupid son is missing. Spy and Scout’s mom arrive in their car a bit later, Scout’s mom crying and dabbing at her eyes as she asks Soldier why he wasn’t watching Scout. Soldier just shrugs and rubs the back of his neck. Spy lights a cigarette and calls Soldier a bad father in a back-hand sort of way. Soldier gets everyone’s attention and says that they’re all going to search for Scout until they either find him or they all die. He hands out flashlights and tells everyone to get going. Cut to a shot of the park, where Scout had hidden in some bushes. He looks like he has been crying and his knees are all scraped up, suggesting he had to crawl a long way to get into the bushes in the first place. He says something about Soldier being a shithead and how he wishes he lived with his mom. Fade to everyone searching for Scout, calling his name loudly and looking in all the odd places in the neighborhood. Soldier is shown doing this for a while before suddenly getting an idea and dashing off, leaving everyone to keep searching. Soldier finds Scout in the bushes, causing Scout to curse loudly and wave his arms wildly at Soldier, telling him to get the fuck away. Scout then asks how the hell Soldier found him. Soldier says Scout hid here all the time when he was a kid, looking proud for remembering such information. Scout starts to sniffle again. Soldier asks what’s wrong. “You fuckin’ hate me.†“No I don’t, son! You just… get on my nerves sometimes.†“Why the fuck did they give you custody, anyway?†“Because Spy hates kids.†Scout starts to sob a little bit, and Soldier puts his arm around him. Scout tries to wiggle away. “Scout, no matter what anyone says you’re my son and I love you!†“Yeah right, you gay. You’re the worst fuckin’ dad in the world.†Soldier’s face falls and he sighs. He then explains to Scout that even though he doesn’t know much about kids or how to care for them, and even though he goes to buy alcohol instead of things Scout can drink, he still loves him. Scout looks at Soldier and nods a little bit, accepting this explanation and hugging him. Scout then falls asleep, and Soldier carries him out of the bushes and back to the house. Soldier says he’s found Scout and everyone breathes a sigh of relief, except for Spy who still hates kids. Scout’s mother hugs Soldier and thanks him for finding Scout, giving both of them a kiss on the cheek. As Soldier puts Scout to bed, Scout’s mother and Spy crash on the couch for the night. Pyro waves goodbye and goes back to his house, Heavy goes with Medic to the clinic for further examining, Engie and Sniper take baby Tentaspy to Sniper’s house, and Demo sleeps in the basement as usual. Cut to a shot of the next day, where everyone is having a barbeque in Soldier’s backyard. Demo is playing drunken pin the tail on the donkey with Scout’s mom, who is egging him on and seems to be having a great time contributing to Demo’s broken liver. Spy is having a chat with Engie about that lovely baby Tentaspy of his, appearing to be hitting on both Engie and Tentaspy at the same time. Engie looks repulsed and says the baby isn’t for sale. Sniper is apologizing to Soldier about the fight they had the other day, and shakes his hand. Soldier says he is sorry as well, but says he still thinks that Sniper is a dirty Aussie. Medic is trying to convince Heavy to get Scout to come to the office more often, but Heavy says that Scout is perfectly healthy. Medic comments that even young boys can get prostate cancer. Heavy looks at Medic funny. Medic doesn’t seem to know that he’s said anything wrong. The camera finally shows Scout and Pyro, who are playing catch with each other. Scout says that this family is pretty fucked up, and Pyro tells Scout to be thankful his parents don’t wear hazmat suits. Scout says “amen, brotha,†and goes to the grill to grab a hot dog. A remixed version of “We Go Together†starts playing, as the camera focuses on each person one by one. When the lyrics start everyone joins in with the singing, walking down the street of the neighborhood and hi-fiving each other. The musical montage lasts until the lyrics stop, and ends with everyone jumping into the air happily and freeze-framing in place as the credits roll. The music segues into “We Are Familyâ€. When the credits end, an epilogue is shown, possibly what the 2nd season will entail: Sniper and Engie attending Tentaspy’s tapdancing routine for the school play, Scout and Pyro tossing flaming eggs at Engie’s car instead of normal ones, Heavy becoming Medic’s nurse at the clinic, and Soldier and Demo getting a little closer than they thought they would. Scout’s mom and Spy are shown, as well, Scout’s mom appearing to re-think her engagement to him. A final shot is shown of everyone coming down from the freezeframe and group-hugging. Except for Spy who’s sort of an asshole. -SEASON ONE END-