This has got to be the most AMAZING piece of writing ever. It's the My Immortal (youtube it) of TF2 Fanfiction. Swear to god it's so beautiful it just...it made my shitty day http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5809343/1/HART_SHAPED_LOVE
This had better be a joke. I can't tell if it is at three in the morning, but it better be. If it is a joke, it's a brilliant one. Deliberately fucking up the English language is harder than it seems sometimes.
Yes, it's a joke. Sonnemelzen wrote this. Old news.
might be old news but I thought it still needed one of these: (King of my Hill which I believe was also by Sonne was better though. IMHO. I did a dramatic reading of that too.) http://www.megaupload.com/?d=DJGNZZ83
Is this now the request thread for "serioz fanFIc´s" ? Can i than get a repost of this wonderfull Fiction with Soldier and Scout? You know where Soldier is Bella and falls in love with Scout, who is maybe a Catgirl? And than there was suddendly Zombie! Everywhere! The fic was hilarious. (I wish the author would have continued this fiction.)
Twilight x TF2 Part 1 We drove to the airport, not speaking a word to each other. My mother had a stern look about her face, as she usually did. I looked outside and noted the bright purple tinge the sky had. I was sure it was not this way normally. Mom had drugged my waffles a bit ago before driving me over. I would have jumped out the window if I wasn't so charmed by the clouds turning neon colors and dancing. "Your mission is to grab a flight to Boston, Massachusetts," my mother said as she broke the silence between us. I gave her a funny stare, and she grimaced at me. "Find your good for nothing father at the airport and ride home with him. Do well in school and update me everyday. Do not fail me." "YES, MA'AM," I screamed wearily, managing to grab my stuff as my ass was booted out of the van. I was handed a vanilla folder before mom drove off in a hurry. My tickers were inside. The plane ride over was boring and I nearly got kicked off of the plane twice after accusing two people of being terrorists. Why else would they wear turbans?! That was unAmerican! Once I was finally calmed down with more drugs, I reflected on what I could remember of my life. My mother looked nothing like me. She was scrawny with gray, short hair that poofed out like a dead bird with a white streak. After she divorced my father, she became a lesbian and immediately remarried to some bitch who liked to call herself Miss Pauling. They moved to Colorado. Engie- it was weird calling him dad- was left in Boston. Miss Pauling is a spineless worm! Even mother agrees. Every time I tell her this, she seems to have some dumb excuse to defend my mother. I tell her how much mother hates her and all she does is tremble and cry in her room. WHAT A MAGGOT. I arrived at the airport safely and without getting threatened by security more than twice. This was where my father had lived with my mom before he failed having a second child. He was divorced immediately and often received threatening voice mail on his phone. According to her, he was always a failure and never won at anything in life. "Hey, son, that you?" I looked around, recognizing Engie's voice... but I couldn't see him. Hell, I even lifted my helmet. "STATE YOUR LOCATION," I screamed, garnering a few odd glances. I couldn't be bothered, though. "Right in front of you?" "I SEE NOTHING IN FRONT OF MY LINE OF VISION, SIR." A sigh, "Try looking, uh, down?" I followed orders and glanced downwards. A bald midget stood in front of me, staring up and smiling awkwardly. I didn't remember my father being so short, but the goggle-like glasses told me otherwise. If I remembered one thing about my dad, it was the super strong prescription glasses. They made him look like a bug. I couldn't even tell what his eyes were supposed to look like. "Boy, you've gotten tall," he said with a smile, slapping a hand on my shoulder and bringing me into a tight hug. "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME, CORPORAL." "You still go on with those dang army terms?" "I LIVE BY THEM, CORPORAL." "Fine then," he grumbled a bit and began heading towards the parking lot. I picked up my suitcases and marched after. The ride home was awkward. Apparently my dad was still an engineer, but other than that he didn't say much. I liked it better this way... me yelling in a confined space would end up with both of us deaf. "So I set your room up," he began, nervously. He linked a finger in his collar and let his neck get some air. "Just like when you were a little boy, Solly." "THANK YOU, CORPORAL." Engie cringed and didn't speak for the rest of the ride, rubbing his right ear at the red lights. When we got home, I immediately ran off to my room and threw my suitcases on the floor. It was just as I remembered as a young boy... the faded army print wallpaper was still up. The red, white, and blue curtains were also a bit faded, but in good shape nonetheless. I screamed over my G.I. Joe bedsheets. Everything was just as it was before I had ever left... it was gloriously American. "Solly, get down here. Your old friend, Demo and his mother came to visit," he called up to me. I headed downstairs. In the living room, my best friend since birth was there. Eye patch and all! His mother nagged at him and hit him with her cane a couple of times, but stopped when she heard me hit the bottom step. "Long time nae see," he said shyly, waving at me. "SAL-U-TATIONS, DEMO," I saluted. He giggled like a school girl and hiccuped, obviously drunk. "Solly, I got you a little present," Engie mumbled, leading the four of us outside. Demo's mother followed by repeatedly hitting her cane on the back of her son's calves. We stopped on the porch. There in the driveway was a car. It wasn't new or beautiful. Parts of it were darkened, like someone taped a firecracker to it or something. Parts of it were obviously patched up, and guessing by how nice and shiny those parts were, it was my father's doing. I let a tear slide down my eye. I felt like one of those beautiful girls from My Sweet Sixteen. I hugged the car with all of my strength, my right leg lifting into the air. "YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF, CORPORAL," I thanked him. He just blushed a bit and looked happy. I had been saving up for a car, but with this surprise present... I now had a lot of money on my hands. I knew this would come in handy sometime in the future! Perhaps for reckless fun at the expense of my health! Who knew? "Tha' was me car," Demo burped, slapping the hood fondly. "Runs poorly, but it got me through a lot." "ARE YOU EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE, MAGGOT?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. "ACCORDING TO THE LAW YOU DRIVING IS ILLEGAL." "Aye'm black, I jus' pull the race card. Are ye saying I can't drive because I'm black?" ".... NO, SIR. CARRY ON." Demo chuckled at me and then ran off to puke his guts out behind a tree by the road. I remembered playing with him in my youth, along with his siblings. Actually, I don't think he had any siblings. I just made them up. That night when I went to sleep, it was the best night of sleep I have ever had. It seems people in this area also screamed a lot. I could barely make out their words most of the time, but the sounds of their shrill shrieking lulled me into a gentle sleep. I made out something about red socks, but beyond that I had no idea what they were all screaming about. At the table the next morning, I dutifully prepared rations for Engie. He quickly ran off to work without eating. I went to school in my awesome new car, amazed at how it could still run. My first day at my new school... I was nervous. I got kicked out of the one in Colorado because I yelled all the time, so I was banished because I was deemed a failure. This was my redemption. If I did well, I could go back home. So far I was loving the place, though. I got out and went over to the office to get my schedule. "GREETINGS, MA'AM, I AM THE NEW STUDENT AND I HAVE COME HERE TO RECEIVE MY SCHEDULE." "Use your indoor voice," she cooed in a near whisper as she went to go print my schedule out. Oddly enough, she seemed unfazed by my screaming. "THANK YOU, MA'AM." "Shhh!" I marched out after saluting and to first period- biology. I had taken the class before, but failed miserably. Who the heck cared about stupid stuff like halitosis? As I marched into my classroom... I noticed another boy yelling at some kid in front of him. My heart stopped immediately. Hearts flew around the background and all of the sudden my eyes turned giant and sparkly, bordered by hideously drawn lashes. "YO' KNUCKLEHEAD, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!" and then the kid in front had his head bonked in with a chair. All the other kids cringed, and the girls cringed! I swooned. Then, he noticed me. I felt like I was about to faint, and fanned myself off. "Ew, what a fag," he yelled. I had no idea what I had done wrong, as I marched over to take a seat next to him. I was on the verge of tears. I knew this weird, gangly boy was my true love! I COULD TELL! He didn't seem to feel the same way, as he immediately gave a repulsed look over to me. "I AM SOLLY, AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE, SIR?" "Ya' smell, fatty." "GENETICS!" "Wha-?" "Alright, shut up kids. I swear if I have to send you to the principal again, Scout, I will.... oh, look, we have a new student. This is... Solly? Great, wonderful, let's move on. I'm already a month behind the other classes and ready to work you all to the bone for my poor timing, so let's hustle!" Today's lesson was on that halitosis stuff. We had to identify the different stages of some plant. I was paired up with that other loud kid, since no one ever wanted to be his partner. "I hope you know the answers," he grumbled, cringing when I just looked at him with my sparkly kawaii eyes. "If you don't, I'm gonna bonk your head in!" "SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL, MAGGOT." "Yo, wha' the fuck you just call me?" "Scout, shut up and start working on the classwork." He grumbled again and began to hit himself in the head with his textbook. I cooed over what a real man he was. I took the opportunity to look at the slides available to us. I couldn't see anything, so I figured it was broken or something. "EXCUSE ME, SERGEANT, BUT I DO BELIEVE THIS UTENSIL YOU HAVE PROVIDED US WITH DOES NOT WORK." "Ugh, ask one of the other students your question. I'm done with questions for today!" "...." Scout immediately grabbed the microscope away from me. He took a look and began to adjust the knobs on it. "It's not broken, ya' moron. Ya' brain is wha's broken," he yelled. I simply swooned. "Fag." He stared into the microscope for about five minutes straight, adjusting it every now and then. I watched with rapt interest before he took the thing and threw it at the kid in front of him. He broke out into laughter as the kid looked ready to fight back, but was calmed down by their friend. What a maggot! "GOOD AIM." "Shaddup." "YES, SIR." I made gaga eyes at him the entire period while he insulted me. In the end we got the answers from the smart kids. They ended up being bullied for answers from the rest of the class, too. The teacher seemed alright with this and didn't interfere, so I was sure it was a standard procedure. "I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW, SCOUT." "Not if I can help it!" Next class was lunch, of course. The only classes I had in the day would be spent with my love interest. School is not done any other way, but occasionally another class is introduced so I can talk with a friend about said love interest. At lunch I sat with some other weird kid. He liked to call himself Pyro, I think. He sat there with his many hoodies on. They were tied tightly around his face. He mumbled a lot and I could hardly make out what he was saying half of the time. "PYRO, DEBRIEF ME ABOUT SCOUT." "Mmmf, mff," it began. I think I could make out the word 'loud'. "Hmph, mff." "I THINK YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS, MAGGOT," I huffed. "I SHALL WIN HIS UNDYING LOVE AND WE WILL GET MARRIED AND RUN OFF INTO THE SUNSET TOGETHER AFTER BIRTHING AN ABOMINATION. JUST YOU SEE." Pyro shrugged and sucked on his juice box. "WHAT? YOU WANT TO DATE ME? I DO NOT AGREE, MAGGOT." "Mff?!" Pyro spit his juice out all over the freshmen at the other table. "MY HEART ONLY BELONGS TO SCOUT." "Hmph, mmmf," he sighed and dismissed himself with the wave of a hand before running off. I looked over to my beloved's table again, taking note of his company. They all yelled at each other with different accents, though the creepy one with the sideburns and aviator glasses just sort of sat there. For some reason, one of them didn't even have a shirt... the only clothes he wore were a pair of cut off shorts, socks and shoes, and a hat. I suddenly realized we must've been in one of those new hippie schools where they let the kids do whatever they wanted! "THAT IS NOT PROPER ATTIRE, MAGGOT," I shrieked at them. The cafeteria shut up to hear the impending fight, their eyes like savage beasts. They were looking for blood. The one with round glasses just glared at me and crossed his arms, whispering something to the large, bear-like fellow next to him. They began to speak in Commie to each other, so I banged the tray against my forehead and screamed at them. "THIS IS AMERICA AND IN AMERICA WE SPEAK AMERICAN!" "Doktor, who is dis weird new kid?" Scout promptly cut 'Doktor' off before he could answer. "It's just some new fag with a crush on me or somethin'. C'MON GUYS LET'S SKIP." They left in single-file, hurrying out of the cafeteria like their asses were on fire. I merely sighed to myself. What a day. I wanted to know more about that Scout boy. He seemed so dreamy, so manly, so beautiful! There was something off about his pearly buck teeth, and the super human strength he had when hitting that kid's head in with a chair. It just wasn't right, and my womanly intuition was sending shivers up my spine. Suddenly one of the aides came over and escorted me over to the office, saying that I was disruptive and needed to speak with my guidance counselor. I knew this scene very well, so I marched on over. As I pushed open the door, I heard my beautiful Scout's voice again. "Yo, you gotta get me outta' that class," he begged, his voice actually quiet for once. I eavesdropped. "That stupid new kid keeps givin' me animu eyes or somethin'. I think I heard him mumble stuff about following me around and taking pictures of me sleepin', too." "You're overreacting. Plus, if you're not, I don't feel like getting involved," she said dryly. "Seems pretty crazy. If he's going to end up taking you down, I want nothing to do with it." I decided to burst in at that moment. "I WAS SENT HERE FOR DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR, MA'AM." "Speak of the devil," she said. Scout just cringed and threw his hands into the air, running out very quickly. This was a promising year. -- The next day was horrible. Biology class was devoid of my soul mate, and the teacher decided to rush through an entire chapter in one school day. I sat at my lab bench, peering wistfully out at the rain splattering on the window. My life was nothing without Scout. Not even Boston could cheer me up if I didn't have him to follow around school. At lunch I sat with Pyro, apparently we ended up taking over another group's lunch table. They didn't seem welcoming, but I jumped into their conversations and caught on to their inside jokes quickly. I made sure to repeat them as often as possible, so they would like me better. "LONGCAT IS LONG!" I yelled. "Shut the hell up," one of them growled at me. He was bald and covered with tattoos and wore a leather vest. "I hate losers." "BECOME AN HERO!" I began to know them all better. The tough one with tattoos was Francis, and he seemed to like me a lot. He talked to me about all the things he hated. Despite me being on that list, I thought he liked me a lot more than he wanted to say. I could tell he was just tsundere for me. There was Louis, the nerdy one who wore a dress shirt and tie everyday. He also had a crush on me, but liked to pretend otherwise by hitting on that Zoey chick. The Zoey chick is unimportant and a girl. That means she automatically was jealous of me. Last of the four was Bill. He was supposed to graduate years ago, but he couldn't pass his senior year. No one knew how many years he had left or how long he had been here. He worked as a janitor for the Twilight portion of the school, which was basically just after hours. It was meant for bad kids and stupid adults. They hurried outside when I went to the bathroom, but I found them again and followed them around. I didn't want to stay in the cafeteria any longer than I had to... the absent seat of my beloved just punched me in the kidneys every time I looked over. Plus that weird gangly kid he hung out with was starting to fling peas at my head with a spoon. The bear-like kid would laugh loudly at this. "HELLO MAGGOTS. DON'T WORRY, I CAUGHT UP," I saluted when I caught up to them in the parking lot. "YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO LEAVE A SOLDIER BEHIND." "Who told this cracka' we were coming here?" Louis yelled, glaring at Francis, who shrugged in return. "I ASKED SOMEONE IN THE CAFETERIA, PRIVATE." "Mmmf," Pyro mumbled, crossing his arms as he followed after me. He looked angry. "LISTEN MAGGOT, I LIKE YOU BUT NOT IN THAT WAY." "Mmf! Mno!" "MY HEART BELONGS TO SCOUT, PYRO. I AM NOT GOING TO CHOOSE FRANCIS OR LOUIS OVER YOU," I yelled. "I hate you," Francis cut in. "I also hate when people yell, so SHUT. UP." "I AM NOT YELLING, MAGGOT." The rest of the day was painfully empty without Scout to stare at, but I made it through. According to my new friends, they were going to hang out at the beach this weekend. I said I could come, and managed to let them allow Pyro to come, too. For some reason they didn't like Pyro a lot, but I guess they were just jealous because they thought we were in a relationship. This was going to be my first beach party with my peers! I had seen Jaws, so I sort of knew what they were about. Well, except for the shark attack bit. I hope. That night I made rations for Engie and I. He pushed the food along his plate, so I assumed he had a bad day. My cooking was too good to pass up otherwise. "AREN'T YOU HUNGRY, CORPORAL?" "Uh, naw. Thanks for dinner, son. It looks... good, but I'm not hungry." "YES, SIR. CORPORAL, PERMISSION TO ASK A FEW QUESTIONS?" "Sure, Solly. What did you have in mind?" "DEBRIEF ME ABOUT SCOUT AND HIS FAMILY, SIR." Engie took a moment or two to think of what to say, and I chewed on my preserved mashed potatoes impatiently. I wanted answers! "Well, they were all adopted by a lovely young couple. Spy and Scout's mom are very rich, so they like to parade around the world and adopt underprivileged children. They were once famous actors, but Spy has settled down and became a five star chef. It's weird, but they're kind of all coupled off," he said, scratching the stubble on his chin. "It would be completely wrong if they weren't all so hot looking. Heavy came from Russia and Medic came from Germany. They are a couple. Saxton Hale.... no one is sure about his past, but he hooked up with Sniper, who is the creepy one from Australia." I wondered how my dad knew all of this high school gossip, but I decided not to ask. I doubted I wanted to know the answer to that. I guess he had been very bored while mom and I were gone. "SCOUT IS VERY LOUD AND DISRUPTIVE, SIR. HIS FAMILY DOESN'T SEEM WELL-LIKED..." "What? Gosh darn gossipers. They are the best thing this town has! If we didn't have Spy... we would all have to eat gross diner food. Then again, french cuisine is pretty gross, too.... he could work anywhere, but he chose Boston!" "PERMISSION TO GO FROM THE TABLE?" "Uh, permission granted, Private." I washed the dishes after dinner, pretending I was Cinderella by loading myself up with chores that no normal teenager would do without nagging from mom or dad. I sighed dramatically and went to my room. Engie was busy watching Modern Marvels. We were so different... I didn't know how we could ever get along! Once I was in my room, I checked my email. I got a couple of emails from my mother, which I had yet to even read. "Soldier, how was your first day?" "Soldier, are you ignoring me?" "If you do not answer in five hours, I will storm up there and beat your ass." "Four..." "Three..." "Two..." "One..." I noticed the last email and quickly responded because the time ran out, sweat dripping down my forehead. My mother was not a lady to be reckoned with. She was scrawny, but she was scary. Something in her voice calmed and frightened me at the same time. "SERGEANT, DO NOT WORRY. I AM SORRY TO NOT HAVE DEBRIEFED YOU ABOUT MY DAY EARLIER, BUT I WAS IN SCHOOL. THEN I DID LOTS OF CHORES LIKE A GOOD LITTLE MAGGOT. PLEASE DO NOT STORM IN HERE, SERGEANT. I AM FOLLOWING ORDERS." I sent that email and went to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night. However, I got bored of that after five minutes and went to watch tv with Engie. I was happy when Modern Marvels ended and Dogfights came on instead. The next day was better. Scout came back to school! I quickly took a seat next to him, batting my eyelashes in his direction. "Will you fuckin' stop that?" he asked, glaring over at me. "BUT YOU ARE MY TRUE LOVE, MAGGOT. DO YOU NOT FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?" "No!" "YES YOU DO. RAVAGE ME ON THIS DESK RIGHT NOW," I shrieked, flinging myself on the lab bench, arching my back seductively. "THAT IS AN ORDER, PRIVATE." "Get away from me, fag!" "Alright you little monsters, shut up," the teacher said to us. He had been at his desk the whole time with his face buried in his arms. He looked tired. "I have a hangover, so keep your voices down. I am going to give you busy work today. Since I doubt we are getting in the ten chapters we need for midterms, I'll just lop half of the test off and give you automatic points for it. Happy?" The class cheered and the smart kids scowled. "Now here are the papers. Shut up and let me sleep," he growled, then returned to sleeping on the desk. "Yo', teacher, Soldier is tryin' to rape me," Scout called over. "Tell him to switch seats or somethin'." "I. SAID. SHUT. UP. OR NO AUTOMATIC ONE-HUNDREDS ON THE MIDTERM." The class was silent, and Scout scowled. "MY NAME IS SOLLY, MAGGOT," I informed him, looking over the sheet we had to do for busy work. "CALL ME SOLLY." "What a retarded name," he mumbled. "Why the heck are you here anyway? You should go back to where you came from." "I CAME FROM COLORADO, SCOUT. I DRAMATICALLY 'EXILED' MYSELF BECAUSE MY MOTHER WANTED TO SPEND ALONE TIME WITH HER NEW WIFE. PLUS, IT WAS DISTURBING TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THEM GOING AT IT. SO I DECIDED TO MOVE HERE BECAUSE I KNOW MY DAD IS A SINGLE LOSER." Scout didn't answer, his left eye twitched slightly. "Too much fuckin' info." "BUT ANYWAY, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIFE SCOUTY-POO." "Yo, call me that again one more time... and it's none of ya' business. Don't talk to me, weirdo." "BUT I WANT TO KNOW!" Scout flashed his pearly buck teeth at me, and I felt a shiver go down my spine. There was something... unhuman about him. His skin was perfect and flawless, with no pimples or ugly blemishes. The way his long, lean legs stretched out underneath the lab table... he looked statuesque even when threatening the nerds for homework. "Will ya' shut up if I tell you?" "YES, SCOUTY-POO." "Ugh, what the fuck did I tell ya'?! Uh, I'm Scout... I like to play baseball. My favorite drink is Atomic Punch. I hate books. I like to watch The Teen Titans. I only eat raw meat. My mom orders bumpits all the time. AND I'M NOT GAY, GAYWAD." He was so interesting and cultured, years beyond his actual age! There was something about his name that reminded me of the Victorian era, whatever the heck that was. I actually just made that up. Still, he was so foreign and beautiful. I had no idea how he could ever love an ugly, normal boy like me who everyone and their mom flocked over to see on my first day here! Luckily I used strawberry shampoo when I took a shower last night, so I could smell nice. "YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I HAVE EVER MET," I informed him. "SMELL MY HAIR. I SMELL GOOD, DON'T I?" "Ya' didn't listen to a word I said, did ya'...? And no!" "SMELL IT, MAGGOT. SMELL IT!!!" I stuck my head right in his face until I felt it crush up against his nose. He pushed me back suddenly with his gorgeous, noodly statuesque arms. "GET AWAY FROM ME... that does smell kinda nice." "I TOLD YOU!" "Ya' still use girl shampoo, ugly." I knew from that point, that Scout and I were best friends and I was this much closer to being adopted by his weird rich family. Then, I could totally marry my true love. "YOU LIKE IT, PRIVATE." "No." The rest of the period was full of flirting. He seemed reluctant to answer any of my other questions, so I knew he was hiding something. At lunch, I followed him outside. He immediately ran out to his family, and they were all crowded around a windowless van and talking. I just watched from afar, noticing how... incredibly beautiful and amazing and statuesque the rest of his family was. Heavy was bearlike. He looked incredibly strong, but he was always hugging on Medic like a child. I felt like such an ugly duckling compared to him... his manly jawline and large chin made my own feel minuscule. Anyone who was in the same room with him probably took a self-esteem hit. Sniper was tall and thin, sort of like my true love. However, he was a lot taller and had lots of stubble. He looked like a real creeper, and sat in the van. I thought he was glaring at me, but it was hard to tell with his aviator glasses. Last but not least was Saxton Hale, who was dancing around them with graceful leaps and bounds. He was like a professional Ballerina, but with a lot more muscle and a lot less clothing. I wanted to be apart of their family so badly... but I knew my other friends would get jealous and alienate me if I left them alone too long, so I hurried back to the cafeteria. --- When I woke up the next day, I noticed there was snow on the ground. I squealed like a young child before getting ready for school. I couldn't wait to go sledding later! I couldn't imagine anyone ever hating snow. Loping happily off to the bathroom, I made sure to use my Fresh Mountain Strawberry scented Suave naturals shampoo. I cleaned my face with Clearasil's Ultra Daily Face Wash and my body with my Dove White Beauty Bar (which leaves no soap scum, unlike the leading brands). I made sure I smelled absolutely gorgeous so Scout couldn't complain. I had about four different smelling Axe cologne sprays and a couple random bottles of perfume I found underneath the sink, so I sprayed them on liberally. It would be just like the commercials for this crap! I then went downstairs to make rations for Engie, who looked to be losing weight somehow. Considering the rations were meant for soldiers out on the battlefield who might not come across food for days at a time, I was unsure how this was happening, but I kept my questions to myself. "GOOD MORNING CORPORAL. RATIONED STEAKS COMING UP!" Engie choked when I entered the room, and quickly excused himself away and off to work. After eating breakfast, I noticed the snow chains on my tires. My father must have put them on when I was asleep! I loved how everything just sort of happened by chance in my life without any preparation needed. Or if there was preparation needed, it happened ages ago by chance. I drove to school. I hadn't used the CD player before, but I noticed on the way that there was a Michelle Branch CD still inside... I guess Demo had left it there, so I decided to press play and see what it was like. "'CAUSE YOU'RE EVERYWHERE TO ME! AND WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES, IT'S YOU I SEE!" I found myself singing along, loudly. I cut the music upon reaching school. I didn't want anyone to know about my gorgeous singing. I was talented in every way, except I was extraordinarily clumsy of course. That was my only flaw, honestly. It was actually just an excuse more than anything, but I liked to pretend it was a quirk of mine. Oh wait, I sucked at math too. I got out of my car and several things happened very quickly all at once... Turning around, I noticed the only black kid in this entire school driving past me in the parking lot. Scout was also there, slurping down a can of Atomic Bonk. Suddenly, the black kid's tires skidded out of control... and the front of the minivan he drove was coming right at me! I stopped, like a deer in the headlights. I thought that this was the end... In a flash, I noticed... Scout? He ran right over to me, nothing but a blur, and tackled me. The car ran right into his back, but instead of Scout being pushed forward, the car bended around him! I couldn't believe my eyes. Suddenly it ended, and he dragged me away from the van, leaning me against the side of my car. I was still in shock. All I could do was let my mouth open and close. I wanted to talk, but I didn't know what to say. This was definitely a first. "Hey, that weird new kid got ran over! Let's go look at the guts!" "Guts?! I want to see!" "Someone film it and put it on youtube!" Suddenly the whole school was hurrying over to see the damage. "Yo, fag," Scout said, shaking me from my daze. "You alright? Huh? Looks like you, uh, hit ya' head there pretty hard. I think ya' need to go to the hospital. I bet you're hallucinating and everything now, right? Just say ya' are." "ANYTHING FOR YOU, SCOUT. BUT... HOW DID YOU GET OVER HERE SO QUICKLY? AND THE VAN... AND..." "Wha'? No, I was over here, stupid. Ya' probably bumped ya' empty head or somethin'!" I just shut up and rubbed my temples. My head did hurt a little, but I think it was just the overload of information right now. In the distance, I heard ambulance sirens. Everyone walked away now that help was coming. Scout's family was still perched beside their van, watching me and Scout intently. I bet they were jealous that I was stealing him away. A voice cut through the commotion. "Boy, you alright?" Engie was standing there, hardly any taller than I was sitting down. He offered a hand and pulled me onto my feet, inspecting me. "You don't look hurt." "SCOUT PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY, CORPORAL. HE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME THE ENTIRE TIME! I SWEAR!" "Oh, that's nice, let's get you to the hospital." I was loaded into the back of the ambulance, where everyone fussed over me. I refused any care offered to me, even though there was a chance that there could be something significantly wrong with me. It would be dramatic and fun if I managed to get a concussion! Plus I supposed I had unconscious suicidal tendencies or something, which only added depth to my shallow character. I'll discuss that multiple times throughout every chapter later, though (and in great, unnecessary detail). They also hauled the kid who almost killed me over, too. He was the one who actually was hurt... there were a couple bruises along his forehead and blood was dripping down his face. He needed stitches and would have to be watched for the next couple days. Still, everyone swooned over me instead. My dad seemed awfully angry with him, despite it being an accident. When I got to the hospital, I ended up in the same room as him. I sat in bed, staring at the ceiling. Next to me, the curtains were pulled and nurses kept clamoring over the kid. After a while, the hustle and bustle subsided. The doctor came to look me over and declared me to be just fine, but I demanded some ace bandages to wrap around my head. I would've asked for a neck brace, but that wasn't as bad ass. I tucked the bandages away as Engie entered the room, asking how I was and occasionally giving horrified peeks over to the other kid. "PERMISSION TO SPEAK WITH SCOUT, CORPORAL?" "Sure, let me go get 'im," Engie sighed and left. While waiting for my beloved, the kid next to me kept bothering me with apologies and trying to explain that it was an accident. I didn't really care, though. I was happy when he passed out, I would finally get peace! Unfortunately the nurses kept him awake for some reason or another that I didn't care about. After several minutes of boredom, the door opened again. A tall, frog-like man tip-toed into the room. He was dressed in a slimming, oddly tailored red suit. In his hands, he carried a plate filled with food. "'Ello, Solly," he said, and smiled at me. For some reason he wore a ski mask, and perched on his head with a white chef hat. "I 'eard you were in a car crash, so I brought food to 'elp you feel better." I wondered how the heck he managed to get past security, but I was too hungry to care. I wolfed down the food heartily. Suddenly, I knew who he was! It was Spy, Scout's father! "GREETINGS, SERGEANT. YOUR SON SAVED ME FROM CERTAIN DEATH JUST NOW! HE MOVED SO FAST," I informed him. He gave me a practiced smile in return. "Oh, is zat so?" "YES, SIR. THE CAR BENT AROUND HIM LIKE RUBBER! IT WAS AMAZING." "Zat is nice," he replied. Next thing I knew, he had poofed into thin air and left. I blinked and looked around for him. However, the nurses had decided that I could go home now, so I never saw where he went to. I went down to the lobby, headed in the general direction of the waiting room. I stopped when I heard my Scouty-Poo yelling at someone. I pressed myself against the wall before they could see me coming to listen in to their conversation. "Vat vere you thinking, dummkopf?!" "What was I supposed ta' do?! Just let the idiot die?" "Yes! Now he knows our secret! Plus he iz annoying." "Good freakin' point." Secret, huh? I knew Scout was at the other end of the parking lot! I sometimes made stuff up and thought it was true, but I knew that wasn't the case here. I immediately began to make connections in my head. I knew the answer, it was obvious. However, to make things dramatic, I immediately forgot and decided not to be logical or rational and link things together. What in the world was he?! "SCOUTY-POO!" "Aw, fuck." I rushed over and gave him a huge hug. He attempted to escape from my arms, but I held onto him. His skin was cold as ice... another detail I quickly forced myself to look over. "PERMISSION TO SPEAK IN PRIVATE?" He looked over to Medic, who rolled his eyes and ran off. I would finally have alone time with my true love. Dragging him off to a conveniently empty corridor, I began to interrogate him. "HOW DID YOU REACH ME SO QUICKLY, PRIVATE? YOU WERE ALL THE WAY OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PARKING LOT." "No, I wasn't. I was right next to you for some fuckin' reason," he grumbled. It was obvious he was lying. "And tha's what ya' tell anyone who asks! And if you don't... I uh.... won't ever date ya'!" I swooned at the mere threat before narrowing my eyes at him. I would work this to my advantage. Maybe he didn't want to admit that he secretly wanted to date me, but I knew he did! I would force him to realize what he wanted so much. He had no advantage here, I did! "WELL, PRIVATE," I started, pulling my bottom lip up smugly as I glared down at him. "IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TELL THIS STORY TO OTHERS, I DEMAND THAT YOU SPEND TIME WITH ME AT SCHOOL." "Are... are ya' blackmailing me?!" "YES, SCOUTY-POO." "Oh god, kill me now," he said, throwing his arms into the sky and tilting his head up. When nothing happened after several minutes, he let his hands return to his sides. "Fine, fuckin'... fine. You ain't gonna touch me, though. Or I'll fuck ya' the fuck up." "I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT," I cooed and batted my eyelashes at him. The various mixtures of perfume were working, that was for sure! "AND NOT LIKE THAT!" "YES LIKE THAT." Scout slapped himself in the face and stormed off, mysteriously. I watched him go, admiring every part of him. He was like... a Greek God, brought to life from a timeless statue. I had no idea why he would ever love someone as plain and normal as me! He could date Italian supermodels if he wanted, I bet. Forget the idea that beauty is subjective, he was the definition of beautiful! I hurried over to the waiting room. Everyone in town was waiting for me, and by everyone I meant Engie and Pyro. Pyro just sort of mumbled and asked how the other kid was, but I didn't care. Engie seemed pretty worried when he saw the ace bandages, but when I informed him they were just there to look cool, he sighed and grabbed his keys. The ride home was awkwardly quiet again. Engie broke the silence, though. "You might want to call your mom when we get home," he whispered. "WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, CORPORAL?" "Wha'? No?" "OH... WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?!" "That you got hit by a car?" When we got home I called my mother and informed her that I hadn't died. She seemed frantic. She was planning a trip to Hawaii with my college money since I had apparently died, but now that I didn't she was calm again. Very disappointed, but calmed down. I could hear her screaming off the phone at Miss Pauling to cancel the flight and get their money back. She was a spineless maggot, so of course she did. I went to bed early that night. I dreamed of Scout... oh boy, did I dream. --- In my dreams, I saw Scout. He was covered in a thin sheen of glitter. He gave me a sexy glare and I immediately walked over to him, but he jumped into the air. He jumped so high, the bottoms of his feet were touching my head. I was sure he was going to gomba stomp me, but then he kicked his feet up again. He propelled himself over my head successfully, and took off running at speeds I could not even keep up with in my own dreams. All next month, I had the entire school fawning over me. The almost-death in the parking lot had made me completely popular somehow. Now when I walked down the hallway, people actually looked at me. Unfortunately this meant a lot of unwanted attention. No one liked receiving compliments, of course. I just wanted to be invisible. Since the accident, the kid who had nearly ran me over ended up in physical therapy. His wounds did not seem too dangerous at first, but he ended up blacking out after being let out of the hospital a few hours after me. In a freak accident, he fell down five flights of stairs and was now paralyzed from the neck down. Occasionally he was wheeled over to my house to apologize profusely and attempted to ask me out to the prom, but I declined. I only wanted Scout. Speaking of Scout, he was mysteriously absent from school for the next month, so I was left alone. Not really alone, but you know what I mean. Pyro was alright company, but he kept hitting on me along with my other 'friends'. I had no idea why they were so obsessed with me, but it was endearing. I tried to tell everyone multiple times that Scout had been my savior, but they didn't seem to listen. Why was there so much hate for the hottest guy in school? Sure, he had a personality only a mother could love, but personality was hardly ever taken into account. Teenagers were so fickle and weird, not me included because I was a special snowflake. Finally, Scout appeared in school. It had been sunny whenever the family decided not to come, and rainy whenever they did. This did not strike me as odd, however. Not at all. I immediately planted myself besides Scout in biology. He seemed in a somewhat better mood. "GREETINGS, SCOUTY-POO." He scowled in response, "Yo', tardella." I began to tear up! He had a pet name for me... that meant he was beginning to like me now! I was so happy, I couldn't scream for an entire period. This meant I couldn't really talk much, either. Besides that, Scout seemed to ignore me. By elementary school standards, this meant that he had an undying crush on me. I felt overjoyed most days, and my friends were annoyed by this. I knew they were just jealous though, especially Pyro. "Mmf," he mumbled sadly as he carried my backpack to lunch for me. I let him, knowing he had a crush on me. I normally would say no, but I knew he was going to continue asking me until I let him. "Mmfmff." "NO, PYRO, I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO THE SPRING DANCE! I CAN'T DANCE. I HAVE TWO LEFT FEET! YOU SHOULD ASK BILL, THOUGH. I SAW HIM MAKING GOOGLY EYES AT YOU." "MFF, MFF, MFF!" he yelled. "MMMMMFNO." "DON'T OVERREACT NOW, PRIVATE. I DON'T LIKE VIOLENT GUYS ANYWAY. EXCEPT FOR SCOUT." Pyro stomped off. I knew he was miffed that I had turned him down, but I didn't want to give any boy false hope. I only wanted Scout. Upon reaching the lunch table, I realized that Pyro had my backpack still... "Hey, Solly..." I turned around again to meet Bill's gaze. He was smoking, despite being in the cafeteria. No one gave him any shit, though. According to gossip, he'd already been in a couple fights already this year. People don't tend to mess with you when you pull out a combat knife during a fist fight. Or scream about how you were a crazy homeless Veteran with violent flashbacks. "YES, PRIVATE?" I liked Bill a lot, he seemed to be one of the few people unphased by my loud voice. Then again, I think he wasn't phased because he was already partially deaf. "You don't got dibs on that Pyro chick, right?" He sniffled and wiped the back of his thumb against his nose a bit anxiously. "PYRO'S A CHICK?" "To be honest, I don't know." "WELL, EITHER WAY... NO, I'M NOT. GO ASK HER... OR HIM." "Sounds good, Solly." I turned around to hunt Pyro down, but I noticed that Scout was sitting all by himself. I looked over to him, taking this as a sign that he wanted to sit with me today! I forgot about lunch. I never really ate anyway. At least not any more. Only ugly, normal people eat at regular intervals. I quickly made my way over and saluted at him enthusiastically. "GREETINGS, SCOUTY-POO." He jumped and glared at me, but didn't really do much else. I immediately sat down and noticed that he was eating nothing, either! Of course he wasn't, though. He wasn't ugly or normal. "Can ya' shaddup?" He growled, looking downright miserable. "ANYTHING FOR YOU!" "Go jump off a cliff, too, then." "I WOULD COMPLY IF THERE WERE CLIFFS AROUND HERE." Scout looked a bit happier with those words, but he was still sort of miserable. I threw my arms around him and squeezed as tightly as I could. He shrieked and tried to get away, but I was holding onto him tightly. "WHY ARE YOU SO SAD, SCOUTY-POO?" "'Cause you exist, tardella! Everything was just fine before your ugly ass came to school. You're no good for me! Just leave me alone!" "I DON'T CARE, SCOUT. I WANT TO BE YOURS DESPITE THE WHOLE BAD BOY FACADE AND BLATANT DISINTEREST IN ME! IT MAKES ME HOT." "My family won't even talk to me because I saved you. I regret everything!" "I LOVE YOU TOO, SCOUT! NOW, YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME AND YOU HAVE TO LET ME HANG OUT WITH YOU! SOLDIER'S ORDERS. YOU PROMISED!" The bell rang suddenly, ending our precious time together. "Cool, now I can go kill myself." "HA HA, YOU ARE FUNNY, SCOUTY-POO. SEE YOU TOMORROW." The next day at school, Pyro didn't talk much (or mumble, rather). I didn't take this as a good sign, as he was usually hitting on me all the time. Bill also kept his distance, and they practically ignored each other's existence at the lunch table. I dragged Pyro over to the boy's bathroom to talk. Everyone there looked confused when it entered, but didn't say anything. "PYRO, BILL ASKED YOU TO THE DANCE, CORRECT?" "... mff?" "WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM, PRIVATE?" "Mmmf, mff." "YOU DON'T LIKE TO DANCE?! WELL TOO BAD PRIVATE, YOU WILL ACCEPT HIS PROPOSAL. OR I WILL HIT YOU WITH A SHOVEL." "Mffmff," Pyro said, slamming his or her palm against the inside of his or her inner elbow and bringing his or her fist up. I figured it was some sort of foreign salute or something. Then I realized how many his or hers I used to describe Pyro and decided that Pyro was now just an It. "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE FROM IRELAND!" "Mmmf?!" I dragged Pyro back over to the lunch table and let Bill know that Pyro changed its mind and wished to go to the dance with him. Bill was pretty ecstatic, and proposed that they all go to look for tuxedos (and a dress in Zoey's case, but who cares about her?). I decided I'd visit Inner-City Boston the day of the spring dance to have an excuse not to go. I wanted to ask my Scouty-Poo, but dances were for losers and try-hards. I was neither. Later on I had gym. Since I wasn't expecting it that day, I ended up having to borrow some other kid's shorts. They were rather small on me, but I like how they accented my booty. We were all playing basketball, which was nice. After ramming into a couple of kids on the opposing team, I learned that you only tackled in football. For half of the class I had to sit out. It's not MY fault that football and basketball sound so similar. They both have ball at the end, so it's easy to confuse them! I daydreamed about my Scouty-Poo during my time on the bench... oh how I loved him! While walking over to my car at the end of the day, Louis ran up to me. I knew he was going to ask me out from the moment I saw him! Zoey would be pissed at me, not that she already wasn't. "Hey-" "NO I WILL NOT DATE YOU, PRIVATE." Better to let things die quickly rather than lead him on. He raised an eyebrow at me and just stood there with an open mouth. "AND BEFORE YOU ASK, NO, I AM NOT A MIND READER!" "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" "DON'T TAKE THIS REJECTION TOO SERIOUSLY, PRIVATE. YOU ARE A GOOD LOOKING YOUNG MAN, AND YOU AND ZOEY SHOULD GO TO THE DANCE INSTEAD." Speak of the devil. Zoey walked over with her hands on her hips and her mouth twisted in an angry grimace. She quickly put an arm around Louis. I knew this would end in a cat fight. She was always so jealous of me, but that was okay. I didn't have any hair to pull out, and she did. "I was going to say you're not invited to the beach party late-..." "NO, PRIVATE. I ALREADY SAID NO! TAKE ZOEY INSTEAD, SHE'LL NEVER FORGIVE ME IF YOU ASK ME." The two walked off without another word, and I was free to go to my car again. Oh, I hoped Zoey wouldn't be too pissed with him or me. She shouldn't fault Louis because he was taken away by my manly charm. Wait a second, scratch that. I was completely normal and I have no idea why he would ever like me, because asking someone out is definitely not an indicator that they find you attractive. I got into my car and began to back out and drive off, but Scouty-Poo and his family had their van parked right in front of me. I beeped at him for ages and screeched out the window, but they didn't move at all. "Hey, Solly." I peered out my window and downwards. There was the guy who nearly killed me! In his mouth was a remote that he pressed forward with his teeth. His speech was a bit impaired by it, but I could understand him. "YES, PRIVATE?" "I was wondering if you'd like to go to the dance with me?" "NO, MY HEART ONLY BELONGS TO SCOUTY-POO. BESIDES, YOU CAN'T DANCE." I sighed when he wheeled away with a sad look on his face. I didn't want to give him any false hope, either. Finally the van moved. Scout poked his head out the window and laughed at me as his family drove away at one-hundred miles per hour. Of course, they never got an speeding tickets. Since they were so hot looking the police tended to just ignore them. When I got home, I spent all of my time making dinner so I could stand there and be bored. I decided on making actual food tonight, but then I remembered that I cleared out the entire fridge and packed it with rations. I guess rations would be dinner tonight after all, so I could watch television instead of being bored. My phone rang, and I almost was afraid to pick it up. What if it was yet another annoying suitor asking me to the dance? Then again, I liked the attention. Plus, it might've been Engie or my mom. "GREETINGS?" I heard nothing but wheezing and coughing for the next five minutes, but I waited patiently. Finally, it subsided. "Hey, sorry about that- DON'T STEP ON THE WET TILE YOU LITTLE FUCKHEADS- it's Bill. Thanks for setting me up with Pyro." "YOU ARE QUITE WELCOME, PRIVATE. I AM GLAD FOR YOU." "I can't wait to tap that ass after the dance," he started, then began to cough for another five minutes. "Anyway I have to go and clean the toilets now. I think some kid crapped in the urinal." I hung the phone up and went back to preparing rations. My mind wandered over to Scout... I finally realized what he had said earlier. He didn't want to be my friend. Immediately I began to cry. It was just the smell of the ration though. There were onions in there! I swear! Scout was too beautiful and loud and strong to love me back. I felt so empty and sad. Why would he hate me so much? I was absolutely plain and boring, I guess. People only flocked to me and loved me because I was completely dull, I knew that now. When Engie got home, he took one look at my food and paled a bit. "Son, y'know, you don't have to make meals everyday," he mumbled. "YES I DO, CORPORAL. I ENJOY MAKING FOOD FOR YOU, ANYWAY." Again, I guessed he had had a bad day at work. I watched him poke the food around on his plate. I asked about the trip to Inner-City. "CORPORAL, PERMISSION TO VISIT INNER-CITY BOSTON INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE DANCE?" "Why would you want to do that, son?" "EVERYONE IS ASKING ME TO THE DANCE, SO I MADE UP AN EXCUSE. OH, AND I WANT TO BUY BOOKS OR SOMETHING. " "Whatever. Have fun, then." "AND DON'T WORRY YOURSELF, CORPORAL. I AM NOT GOING WITH SOME BOY." Engie spit all of his food out as I marched over to the sink to wash dishes. The next day, I noticed the wet concrete and puddles sitting in every small pothole on the street. It rained overnight, so everything was just slightly damp. As I drove to school and turned into my parking spot, I kicked the door open and marched out. Since my car was old, I still had to manually lock it. The keys, however, mysteriously dropped from my hand and into a puddle. I noticed Scout walking over out of the corner of my eye, so I formulated a plan. "OH NO, MY KEYS!" I bent over to pick them up, sticking my butt up in Scout's direction. Just as I reached for the keys, someone kicked them away from me! I looked up and saw Scout, crossing his arms and glaring down at me. He did not look amused. I was surprised how quickly he got over here, but dismissed that completely. "Yo', tardella." "GREETINGS, SCOUTY-POO. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A FUN DAY. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SKIP BIOLOGY AND MAKE OUT IN THE JANITOR'S CLOSET TODAY? I'M SURE BILL WON'T MIND." "Uh, no." "WELL, IT WAS WORTH A TRY." "I can't believe I made a promise to hang out with ya'." "I KNOW YOU REGRET SAVING ME, SCOUTY-POO, BUT IF YOU EVER BREAK UP WITH ME I AM TELLING EVERYONE WHAT HAPPENED." Scout had the corner of his nose curl up. "I ain't ya' boyfriend, fag." "I LOVE YOU, TOO." He turned on his heels and ran to class. I gave a contented sigh and followed after, wondering what awesome things today would bring.
Twilight x TF2 Part 2 I twirled all the way to English class, surprised that my beloved was taking this blackmailing so well. Today I was late, as I never had English class before because it wasn't important to the plot whatsoever. For some reason, merely being late was a a big enough deal in this story to start a chapter off with it before moving on. I guess it was supposed to show how completely in love I was with my beloved. "You're late," the teacher glared at me, stopping the power point presentation as I kicked open the door. Her arms were crossed. She was going over Romeo and Juliet, which was the same book we'd been going over for our entire high school career. I knew instantly that their mangled relationship would symbolically represent *our* love. I'd ignore how completely shallow Romeo and Juliette's love was meant to be, and the fact that they were lust-driven teenagers with underdeveloped prefrontal cortices. "MY APOLOGIES, MA'AM!" I saluted quickly. "I WAS SO TAKEN ABACK BY MY LOVE INTEREST SPEAKING TO ME IN THE PARKING LOT THAT I DID NOT REALIZE THE TIME, MA'AM!" "... uh, okay. Please take a seat and do not be late again." That class went by without anything important (or related to Scout) so I cut right to lunch. I really had no idea why English class was important to include in this chapter. Today, biology and lunch were switched around. So lunch would be before my class with Scout. This occurred for no reason at all, besides the author completely disregarding what they wrote before. I wondered if Scout would invite me to sit with him today, but then I realized either way I had blackmail on him so he didn't have much of a choice. As I walked into the lunch room, time slowed. I dramatically peered over to his table, looking over at the table his family claimed. I saw that... he wasn't there. My heart sank into my bowels as I went to sit with my friends. Since the kid who nearly ran over me had to quit school, Louis had become the only black kid in school overnight. Not that he wasn't black already or anything. This was another disregarded piece of information. Bill and Louis were talking about the dance, and I half-heartedly listened. My mind was occupied with Scout. No matter what I did, I thought of him. Not eating lunch reminded me of how he doesn't eat lunch. Sitting in a chair reminded me of how he sits in chairs. Even blinking reminded me that he blinked, too. I made my eyes stay wide open, but then it reminded me of how he might make his eyes stay open, too. My entire life was nothing without him. Blinking didn't mean anything without him around to blink with. "Hey, we should find Francis a date," Bill began. I got bored with sighing dramatically over Scout, so I decided to join in on their conversation. "The little shit hasn't shut up since we all got paired up. I'm about the pop him in the jaw." Suddenly an idea popped into my head. Since Francis was bound to ask me out at some point, and that wheelchair kid kept hounding on me, I could hook them up! "I HAVE AN IDEA," I interjected before Louis could say something. He glared and I stuck my tongue out at him before continuing. "THAT WHEELCHAIR KID NEEDS A DATE, AND HE OWES ME FOR NEARLY RUNNING ME OVER... I CAN TELL HIM TO TAKE FRANCIS TO THE DANCE." Bill's jaw dropped and his cigarette fell, but then he smirked and nodded. We chatted animatedly about how cute a couple they would make, but then I heard a light beeping. Taking the GPS system out of my pocket, I knew that Scout was in the vicinity. See, I placed a tracker on him the last time we didn't eat lunch together. I snuck it into his drink when he was busy mysteriously moping. As he got closer to me, the beeping would grow quicker on the screen and indicate via a little dot where he was. Unfortunately, since he ingested the tracker, it would stop working after a while... "I MUST LEAVE YOU, COMRADES. MY BELOVED IS IN THE VICINITY," and surely as I turned, I noticed him sitting by himself again. His family was glaring at him and shooting peas at his head. Saxton Hale did some ballerina moves on the table. "SCOOOOOUT! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY FROM ME BY SNEAKING IN HERE! WELL, I'M SMARTER AND MORE PERCEPTIVE THAN THAT!" He turned his crystal blue eyes to me, wide with shock, and I skipped over. Immediately I placed myself in the seat across from him, happy as could be. Since he was mysterious and beautiful, he looked angry. Mysterious and beautiful people always looked to be in a bad mood. This was an actual scientific law passed by Sir Isaac Newton himself. "Can ya' shut up for once? I gotta headache." "ALRIGHT, MY BELOVED SCOUTY-POO. WHY DO YOU HAVE A HEADACHE? YOU CAN TELL ME, SINCE I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MY TRAGIC EXILE AND I AM KEEPING A PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE THAT YOU ARE A SUPERHERO. YOU OWE ME." "Oh. My. Fuckin'. God," he spat out, punching himself in the head before answering. "Because my family hates me now. I told you this before, tardella. I wish I just let ya' die. Hell, some secret it is now. YA' JUST LET EVERYONE IN THE CAFETERIA KNOW!" Scout rubbed his temples, attempting to relieve the ache. I knew how to fix that! Aspirin had nothing on me. My gorgeous looks and charm could cure cancer. It couldn't cure paralysis, though. Oh well. "OH YOU ARE MY HERO, SCOUT," I began, letting my eyes tear up as I touched his hands. They were as ice cold as his eyes. "I WILL BE IN YOUR DEBT FOREVER. TAKE MY VIRGINITY AS A THANK YOU." "I wish I could kill ya', I really do. Why don't you go back to your friends?" He yanked his hand away from mine. "Leave me the fuck alone. Take your virginity with ya', fag." "WHY? ARE MY FRIENDS GIVING ME JEALOUS GLARES? I BET THEY ARE! THEY ALWAYS WANTED ME, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY BOY FOR ME, SCOUT. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TELL THEM TO BUG OFF AND SHOW BLATANT DISINTEREST, THEY HOUND ON ME LIKE DOGS." "... why the hell would they give a flyin' fuck about some kid who they've been friends with for a month, tops? They don't even like ya', tardella! You're too stupid to see the truth. Can't ya' see they all hate you and want ya' to die?" "I SAW A T-SHIRT THAT SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I WAS GOING TO BUY IT, BUT IT ONLY CAME IN SMALL," I replied. Truthfully, I bought the shirt anyway... "Can ya' even hear? I swear, you're the stupidest motherfucker I eva' saw." "IF YOU'RE NOT NICE TO ME, I'LL MAKE PYRO COME OVER HERE AND BEAT YOU UP. HE... OR SHE... HAS A MAJOR CRUSH ON ME AND WOULD RISK POSSIBLE JAIL TIME AND A DEFINITE SUSPENSION TO DEFEND ME!" "I'll take that as a no." "SO WE'RE FRIENDS... BEST FRIENDS!" "What. Eva'. You gonna grab lunch?" "NO, SCOUTY-POO, I DO NOT EAT. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO SYMBOLIZE HOW I AM ALREADY LIKE ONE OF YOU. EXCEPT FOR ALL OF THE QUIRKY LITTLE HUMAN TRAITS LIKE BEING CLUMSY OR... SLEEPING!" "Wha'?" "SO, I HAVE SOME IDEAS ON WHAT YOU MIGHT REALLY BE!" "Oh, do ya' now?" "YES. I HAVE PERFORMED EXTENSIVE RESEARCH ON FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU ARE. WHICH WOULD BE TRUE IF I DID, BECAUSE ALL I ACTUALLY DID WAS GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT. THIS IS ALL IT REQUIRES, BUT SINCE I WANT TO PROLONG FIGURING OUT THE OBVIOUS, I OVERLOOKED IT. I BELIEVE YOU ARE A SUPERHERO." "No. I ain't." "OH. I THOUGHT YOU HAD, LIKE, INDESTRUCTIBLE BUCK TEETH OR SOMETHING AS YOUR POWER." "You are so freakin' far off it makes me hurt inside." The bell rang, signaling the switch to biology. Normally I would pretty much be finished with school, but as I stated before, someone didn't check the author's facts and remind him or her that biology comes before lunch on my schedule. Petty errors like this will happen a lot, by the way. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO WALK ME TO BIOLOGY TODAY?" "No. I would only wanna walk you into a saw blade, tardella." Scout slinked out of the cafeteria. I gave a small sigh of disapproval... he would be skipping again, I see. I had no idea why he didn't have a million detentions or suspensions. He was hardly ever in school and yet managed to pass every year. I'm sure it was because he was so incredibly hot. If I were his teacher, I'd let him pass, too. As I walked to class, I wondered exactly what Scout was. What sort of a supernatural being couldn't stand bright sunlight, didn't eat food, had super strength and speed, sharp teeth, and was cold to the touch? I had no idea whatsoever, and knew I would have to consult with Google later on. Hell, I wondered if I could even type all of that into Google... I sat down at my empty lab bench, running my hands over Scout's empty seat. This is where his perfect, statuesque butt sat... I would be working alone today, and it made me depressed. Pyro and Bill sat at their lab table. They had never been mentioned to be in this class before, but now that I had hung out with the school's hardest to get guy, they would be here to glare at me or look upon me like I had just slain a demigod. "Alright, class," the teacher said as he walked in with a large cardboard box. He was fifteen minutes late. "Why the fuck are you all here? You could've skipped, you know! I would've given you a one hundred on the class work and humongous curves on the tests you would all fail... ugh, now I have to actually babysit you. Wait, Scout skipped? Okay, that little shit is getting a detention." While the teacher wrote Scout up, he explained the lab to us, throwing the various materials in our general direction. "I have no idea who thought that blood typing in a high school classroom would be a smart, safe, or quick lab but some retard decided that that was what we were doing today. So knock yourselves out. This is the procedure, since I doubt most of you can actually read. See here? This is a card, where I will put water. Your blood will go here. And this is the needle you all will be forcefully jabbing yourselves with. If you can't actually poke yourself hard enough to get blood, just tell me. I will gladly poke you hard enough to bleed." The teacher demonstrated on Bill, grabbing his hand and jabbing his finger with the needle forcefully. I had no idea why anyone would think this to be legal anywhere. He then took the pronged instrument and covered the prong in Bill's blood. He didn't stop until Bill started to turn pale and there was enough blood for a number of samples and then some. The class seemed excited to be poking their fingers. It was at this moment, I was sure that the author had never actually given blood. No one giggled over getting their fingers pricked after they had it happen to them. It was worse than getting the needle jabbed into your arm! Suddenly, I thought of how funny it was that Scout was skipping this lab, but I immediately pushed it to the back of my mind. The teacher was nearing in on me after taking out more than half of the class. He unwrapped a new needle and walked over, eyes like a predator. "Solly, it's your turn for the lab," the teacher smirked at me. I felt ill suddenly. "PERMISSION TO GO TO THE NURSE, SIR?" "Go ahead. Don't come back for the rest of the period. Pyro, will you drag him over there? And then not come back for the day, either?" "Mmmfno," Pyro mumbled in response. I knew he would jump at the chance to put his arm around me. "Well too bad, now get the fuck out!" I made sure Pyro had a firm grip around me before we took off to the nurse's office. I screamed the entire way. "BLEEDERS, THE LOT OF THEM! I AM NO BLEEDER!" On our way to the nurse's office, I noticed Scout skulking around out of the corner of my eye. He looked like a creeper, just standing there with his back against the wall, alone. To get his attention, I immediately fainted. When I fell to the ground, I brought Pyro down with me and landed on him. Whoops. Scout looked over and began to laugh. "COME OVER HERE AND HELP, SCOUTY-POO, BEFORE I TELL EVERYONE YOUR SECRET." Scout sighed and walked over, kicking me forcefully off Pyro. It took a bit of effort and a lot of kicking, but he managed it. I was eventually rolled over and off my friend, though Scout continued to kick me for a while. Pyro was passed out by now and was sprawled out, slightly flattened. I couldn't help that I was big boned! "Dude, ya' killed ya' only friend," Scout mumbled as he poked at Pyro with his foot. "Why am I not surprised?" "OH, THE LITTLE MAGGOT WILL BE FINE!" "It's turnin' blue, though... I uh, think. Can’t really tell." "WELL, WE CAN TAKE PYRO TO THE NURSE, THEN! WE WERE HEADING THAT WAY ANYWAY. I STILL FEEL FAINT. CARRY ME, SCOUT!" "No. If anything, we should carry Pyro over. He's passed out. I don’t wanna even look at ya’." Without warning, I jumped into his arms. Expecting him to catch me, I ended up on the floor instead. I guess he just wasn't expecting that. I screeched in response, butt hurt. I thankfully, landed on Pyro, so I had some cushioning. "WHY DID YOU NOT CATCH ME?!" "I doubt I could hold up ya' fat ass, fat ass. Walk there ya'self." "HMPH, FINE." We carried Pyro over to the nurse's office. Pyro was beginning to breathe again, so I knew it would be okay. I knew I had a hand in that. Without my magical butt, Pyro wouldn’t be breathing! Scout and I handed it off to the nurse, who just lay Pyro on a cot and placed a bottle of Gatorade on the bedside table. If you went to the nurse with something wrong, no matter what, they would just offer you Gatorade. Gatorade was the water of life to them. The nurse shooed us out, and we walked slowly back to class. Scout dragged his feet, hands tucked deep into his pockets as he stared at the ground. I just watched him out of the corner of my eyes. "SO, ARE YOU GOING BACK TO CLASS WITH ME?" "Nah." "I THINK I SHALL SKIP WITH YOU, MY LOVE. AFTER ALL, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE NURSE!" "I think ya' should get back to class, really. Just leave me alone." "WHY ARE YOU SO SAD, SCOUT?" "I'm NOT goin' over this again." "THE ONLY REASON I'M SAD IS BECAUSE MY LIFE KIND OF IS BORING AND SUCKS. MY MOM IS REALLY CRAZY AND MEAN AND MY DAD IS SO NICE AND SHORT. I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY EVER GOT TOGETHER AND HAD ME… NOT THAT MOST TEENAGERS WONDER THE SAME THING! OR EVEN APPLY IT TO HOW THEY MIGHT LIKE PEOPLE TOTALLY OPPOSITE OF THEM. NO, THAT NEVER HAPPENS. OPPOSITES ONLY ATTRACT WITH GROWNUPS." As I talked to Scout, he trudged over to the side of the cafeteria where only the kids who smoked hung out. He sat down on the ledge and stretched his legs before him, leaning the back of his head against the brick wall. I swooned immediately and began to wonder how he could ever put up with me. I was so plain, boring, and clumsy! Oh, how did my self-esteem falter... that was completely attractive. Everyone likes a guy with poor self-esteem. "HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS, SCOUT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DITCH CLASS TODAY! I BET YOU'RE FOLLOWING MY EVERY MOVE AND WATCHING ME AS I SLEEP! IT'S OKAY, I DO THE SAME SOMETIMES" He was immediately woken from whatever sleepy stupor he was in before. "What?!" "TEEHEE. NOTHING! I HAVE QUESTIONS TO ASK YOU." "Just ask 'em and get over with it." "SO, ARE YOUR PARENTS YOUR REAL PARENTS? OR DID THEY ADOPT YOU? MY CORPORAL TOLD ME THAT YOUR PARENTS TRAVELLED THE WORLD AND ADOPTED ORPHANS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT." "My mom is my real mom, but Spy isn't." "MY MOM IS MY REAL MOM, TOO!" "Oh, who would'a ever thought?" he asked sarcastically. "The rest of my siblings ain't related though. My dad died a long time ago, of the Spanish Flu." "WHAT IS THAT?" "Ya' mom." "WHICH ONE?" He was about to answer, but then my cell phone went off. I checked the number, it was Louis apparently. "GREETINGS?" "Hey, Solly? Yeah, I got your number from Bill. Like I said before, you aren't allowed to come with us this weekend." "THANKS FOR INFORMING ME IT WOULD BE THIS WEEK! I WILL GLADLY BE ABLE TO JOIN YOU!" "No, no, no... no!" "I WILL SEE YOU THEN, PRIVATE!" I hung the phone up and smiled. I couldn't wait to go to the beach! Sure, it would be drizzling slightly and still very cold, but hanging out with my new friends would be so much fun. I had no idea why everyone liked me here, because I wasn't well liked back in Colorado, but it was cool. I had a low opinion of myself, ditched my friends often to hang out with Scout, was boring, and showed little interest in the various topics of conversation they had at the lunch table. Oh, and when I wasn't feeling terrible about myself, I was super arrogant and self-centered by trying to be as unself-centered as possible. "ARE YOU GOING TO THE BEACH PARTY THIS WEEKEND, SCOUT?" "Nah." "WHY NOT, SCOUTY-POO? I SHALL INVITE YOU, IF YOU ARE UNINVITED." "I don't wanna go, especially with ya'." "HEY, DID YOU KNOW I CAN SMELL BLOOD?" "Who da fuck cares?" "HEY, CAN YOU DRIVE ME HOME? I AM GOING TO PRETEND I AM SICK SO I CAN MISS GYM AND GO HOME AND STARE AT THE WALL LIKE EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO HOME." "No, you ain't gettin' in my car." "RACE YOU TO THE PARKING LOT!" I ran over, giggling and hopping every other step. Once I reached his van, I turned around and noticed... he hadn't followed me over. I crossed my arms and waited impatiently, tapping my foot dramatically. "SLOWPOKE!" Waiting for another hour or two, he finally came over with his family. The school bell rang, and soon the parking lot filled up. "YOU ARE SO SLOW, SCOUT." His family laughed at this like it was the best joke in the world. They all kicked me back to my own car and hopped in, zooming off. I caught snippets of conversation as they left, wheels squealing as they sped. -- Tomorrow was Friday, which I absolutely loathed. All of the kids in my biology class would be angry with me for skipping the lab before he could poke me. A couple of parents made complaints about the teacher, but no action was taken. Besides, the biology teacher had the teacher's union on his side. According to the gossip, he used to be a very reputable teacher with many good qualities. Of course, since he passed his ten-year mark, he was practically untouchable when it came to getting fired or demoted. Well, at least that was according to the gossip. There was also a possibility that the school just didn't care enough to get him fired. I glared out the window when I awoke, dreading today already. I ran out before I could make breakfast. I felt bad leaving Engie hanging without some food, but my stomach was too upset to eat. I just wanted to sit in my car and sing along to Michelle Branch before school started. Her upbeat tempo and inspiring lyrics gave me some strength as I started to my first class. On this particular Friday, I had trigonometry. Bill sat with me, and he was giving me a very smug grin. I was happy I didn't have this class everyday if he was going to be acting like this. Oh, and I wasn't good at math at all. I couldn't even spell trigonometry! When I saw it written, I also pronounced it wrong. I hated having the smart kid in the front correct me every time I said 'trig-ono-me-try'. It was a common mistake and correcting people you aren’t familiar with is just rude! Anyway, back to Bill... "YES, PRIVATE?" I finally asked, unable to take his smug glares. "So, I knew you hung out with Scout yesterday," he wheezed, flicking his finished cigarette at the back of the teacher’s head when he was turned to write things on the board. "He doesn't scare you or anything? Anyone who tries to hang out with him usually gets bonked in the face." "HE DOESN'T SCARE ME," I started, deciding to play coy. Sure, I had this humongous crush on him and it was so obvious, but I liked to play it down. "I DO NOT BELIEVE HE HAS BONKED ME IN THE FACE YET. I THINK HE JUST WANTED TO TALK ABOUT BIOLOGY CLASS." "Sure, sure!" Bill laughed at my response as I turned away and blushed slightly. I was sure he didn’t believe me, or he was disappointed with the lack of gossip he could scratch onto the bathroom stalls. "I MEAN IT, PRIVATE!" Again, this chapter started with a snippet from a class I never really attended and moved onto lunch. I made a mental note of how much the author enjoys doing this. When I walked into the cafeteria, I noticed Scout was not here again today. It was just another boring period at the lunch table for me. I sat down and tapped my fingers on the tabletop, not feeling up to conversation. Then again, I never really did. I usually just ignored them all. I heard Francis bitching about me at the end of the table, and I began to listen intently without turning to face him. I continued to tap my fingers dully on the table, just to appear distracted. "Why the heck does he sit here? I hate Solly," he growled to Pyro, casting me death glares. I almost gasped and turned around, but I decided to stay out of it. Besides, I knew Pyro would defend me no matter what! "Mmf, mff, mff," it mumbled back and nodded. Suddenly, Pyro and Francis high-fived, which was obviously some Irish gesture for ‘shut up’. You tell him, Pyro! No one talks bad about me. "Nice one! I hate how he stupidly pretends not to hear us when we say bad things. He should just sit with that other dumb ass, Scout." I continued to not eat and glanced at my GPS every now and then to see if Scout decided to come to lunch. Still, I did not see that familiar little dot on my radar for the entire period. Then again, it could be gone from his body now… Instead, I would occasionally converse with Bill and Pyro when I felt like it. Francis ignored me and occasionally gave me nasty little glares. He also did the little Irish salute thing my way near the end of the period. Maybe Pyro and Francis were related? “HAPPY BELATED ST. PATRICK’S DAY,†I said, trying to get on his good side. He just looked utterly confused. Mean people tended to act in such a way when they were faced with niceness. Since Francis declared himself my new enemy in this place, I immediately noticed every single unattractive trait about him. When someone hated me, they were ugly and jealous. He also had a funny voice, was almost bald, and wore vests everyday. Those are probably some of the most unattractive things ever. There were very few positive qualities to him, as he was my new arch nemesis. Note that he was also my first arch nemesis. Later on that night, I prepared rations for Engie and me. He didn’t seem too interested in the food again, so I ended up polishing off the entire meal. As we ate, I told him about my weekend. I knew he would be working this weekend, because he was an immense loser who worked all the time. At least, that was what my mom told me. “I AM GOING TO THE PUSH BEACH OR SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND, CORPORAL!†“Sounds nice. Who with?†“I AM GOING WITH MY NEW FRIENDS WHO ABSOLUTELY ADORE ME- LOUIS, ZOEY, PYRO, BILL, FRANCIS, AND THAT WHEELCHAIR KID!†“Oh, I know them,†he mumbled, then went on with gossip on all of them since their first year of school. I was slightly disturbed that he knew so much about them and their lives, but I figured that he was indeed just a giant loser. Mom, despite being mean most of the time, was bluntly honest. She just didn't go over the honestly nice stuff about people. I fell asleep that night peacefully to the sound of everyone shouting outside my window. I believe the Red Sox won whatever baseball game they were playing, so I had the fans lull me to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I felt extremely excited! I got dressed as quickly as I could, throwing any other necessities into a purse. I made Engie something for breakfast because I was a good little maggot and then hopped into my truck. We were all going to meet at Pyro’s propane store. Pyro’s father owned a propane and propane accessories store in the middle of nowhere. It was sort of a wonder how the place was kept open, considering that no one gives that much of a shit about propane, but I recalled Pyro telling me that it has been in their family’s possession for a couple generations now. They ended up selling most of their stock to psychopaths, the author’s teacher and people cosplaying as Hank Hill. “Mmf, mff,†Pyro greeted us as we all entered the shop. Soon, everyone showed up but Francis and the Wheelchair Kid. Louis looked positively livid, and so did Zoey. They didn’t say anything to me, though. Bill seemed happy that I was here, and he was holding Pyro’s hand as Pyro’s dad looked on with disapproval. Francis eventually came, wheeling the Wheelchair Kid into the store as we began to finally make conversation. Upon their arrival, even more silence followed. We all seemed to be waiting for one of us to decide what we should do now. “Mmf!†Pyro cut into the awkward silence that filled the store. Everyone nodded in agreement or looked on, confused. Pyro started over to the door and we followed. “Yeah, babe, let’s get going already,†Bill said with a grin as they ushered everyone out of the store. As I walked out the door, I noticed Bill’s hand groping at Pyro’s butt. We all got into Bill’s truck, the other kids squeezing into the second row of seats. Francis tossed the wheelchair kid in the back of the truck and tied him down to his seat so he wouldn’t fly out. I sat in the front with Pyro, pushing Bill to the back with the rest of our friends. Pyro was going to insist that I sit there, so I decided to jump the gun and do so before a fight broke out. Pyro had a mad crush on me like that, anyhow. I sighed, for the one-millionth time, and looked out the window as we drove. I wished Scout had come with me after all... he would get to see my cute little Speedo. I bet he would like that! We could've done it on the beach, like that one drink or something. Suddenly, I began to feel my Speedo constrict... all those thoughts of Scout in a Speedo and stuff were not helping the situation. I shifted uncomfortably and tried to cross my legs. It didn’t help much, so I crossed my arms over my lap, too. I wiggled around, trying to get comfortable. “What the heck are you doing?†Bill asked, looking over the seat at me. He blew a puff of cigarette smoke in my face and my eyes watered slightly as I answered. “JUST... UH... DANCING TO THE MUSIC ON THE RADIO OR SOMETHING.†“Hudda...†“I gotta’ agree with Pyro here, Solly... the radio isn’t on.†“OKAY I HEAR MUSIC IN MY HEAD.†“That explains so much,†Louis mumbled as he rolled his eyes. I just moved around, trying to make it look like I was dancing or something. I hoped the water would be cold... otherwise it would get really awkward when we all stripped down to our bathing suits. As Pyro quickly turned a corner, we heard something from the back of the car. There was a slightly weird sounding scream. Pyro hit the brakes and looked back... the Wheelchair Kid was gone. I internally cheered! Now everyone was distracted. God bless that Wheelchair Kid. He took one for the team, god damn it, he took it for the team... maybe he wasn’t so bad after all. “OH GOD!†Francis screamed and jumped out of the truck. “WHEELCHAIR KID! OH GOD, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?†I was slammed forward as Francis pushed the seat up and jumped out, looking around for his boyfriend. My head hit the dashboard. Francis found the Wheelchair Kid lying down in a ditch by the side of the road, still tied securely to his chair. Well, tying him to his wheelchair didn’t go quite as planned... “I think I’m alright,†he answered back with a dazed look on his face as we peered out of the back window. “Uh, can you just get me up already? I feel all dizzy laying upside-down like this. And remember to tie my wheelchair to the truck this time, too, please.†Francis spent about five or ten minutes attaching the Wheelchair Kid’s chair to the truck. After making sure everything was just right, he hopped back in. Still, in the time that we took to help him out, I still hadn’t managed to get rid of my boner. “HIS EFFORTS WERE ALL FOR NOTHING,†I whispered to myself, not as quietly as I originally thought, as everyone looked over to me curiously. “What?†Bill asked, wheezing before I could answer. “’Scuse me.†“OH, NOTHING, PRIVATE. DON’T LOOK AT ME!†“Oh... kay.†I spent the rest of the car rid wiggling around, extremely uncomfortable. Scout wouldn’t leave my mind, not that he did any other time. Pyro ended up turning the radio on after all to fill the silence in the car and match my wiggling. Finally, we reached The Push. I hopped out of the car, relieved to be out of there. Everyone else was preoccupied with unpacking stuff from the back of the truck. I carried my purse and beach towel over to where we would set up. Zoey and Louis set the blanket down while the rest of us took turns changing in the truck. My Speedo was on underneath my clothes, but I wasn’t exactly keen on undressing just yet for obvious reasons. This was a shame, because it was so cute and in camouflage, too. Instead I watched my friends. Louis, Zoey, Francis, and the Wheelchair kid played in the water. Well, everyone but the Wheelchair Kid played in the water. He looked on, laughing a bit with their jokes, but his eyes looked a little sad. When he wasn’t cracking jokes with the rest of them, his eyes would gloss over and all I could see in them was the endless ocean. He sat ever so still, and I had an urge to go over and shake him slightly, to make sure his heart was still beating. Pyro and Bill spent their time making out on the blanket. Or at least I think they were making out... it was hard to tell with what Pyro’s outfit usually consisted of. I sat there on the beach near the edge of the parking lot, still out of action due to the bulge in my pants. I just couldn’t get the image out of my mind about my beautiful Scout laying on the beach in his little Speedo… it would totally be red with white stripes or something. Woah, I had to stop letting my mind wander! I had to get the image out of my head instead of just sitting here and letting my mind wander back to that image! I should be having fun with my friends, not moping. Suddenly, I decided to stop caring! I wouldn’t stand on the beach and be a total loser like the Wheelchair Kid. With a sounding shriek, I threw my clothes off in one swift motion and ran to the water. On the way I jumped over Bill and Pyro, who looked up in horror as I gracefully leapt over them. I bet as I ran over, it was like a Baywatch scene... my pedicured, perfect little feet hitting the sand and water. Everything probably went into slow motion, as my buzz cut rippled in the wind. Beads of water splashed up against my muscled calves and reverberated off of my awesome Speedo and chest. Louis made a sudden gagging sound, and I knew that my beauty had greatly affected him. “NOW, NOW, PRIVATE. I KNOW I AM BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO CHOKE,†I said, striking a sexy pose. This procured more gagging noises. “Oh god, look,†Zoey said, laughing hysterically. I knew that bitch was jealous. I noticed then... the bulge in my pants still hadn’t gone down, and it was more apparent then ever because of my tight camouflage Speedo. I turned bright red and threw my hands over my lap again, about to cry! This was more embarrassing than anything I could ever imagine. I knew Zoey was mean because I was more beautiful than her, but this was just cruel. There was no reason to point it out and embarrass me in front of all my love interests and friends like this! Before anyone could make any hysterical puns or jokes, music was heard back around the parking lot... we all looked over and noticed another car pulling up. The doors opened and the music got at least ten times louder. The smell of alcohol also wafted over, and I could tell it was extremely strong even from over here. As I strained my ears to hear better, I could then distinguish what sort of music they were listening to. It sounded distinctly like… Scottish rap? I gasped slightly as my old friend, Demo, got out of the car. He looked over and waved enthusiastically, a couple of his friends pilling out of the car with him. They all had eye patches and afros and looked fairly similar to each other. Wait, scratch that sentence, please. I’m not racist! I’m not! I promise! “Gut e’enin’, Solly,†he called over, a bottle of whiskey in his hands. Demo took a swig and walked over, his friends following after. I sighed in relief as the attention was again diverted from my crotch. God Bless black people. “SALUTATIONS, DEMO! FANCY MEETING YOU HERE,†I greeted, sinking down into the water and sitting there. Due to the embarrassment and the cold water, I lost my erection. Thank you, Jesus! “THESE ARE MY FRIENDS, LOUIS, ZOEY, PYRO, BILL, FRANCIS, AND WHEELCHAIR KID!†“Nice tae meet ye’.†They all unenthusiastically waved back and mumbled a weak round of hellos. Demo hiccupped and giggled at nothing in particular before leaning on one of his friends, as he was about to fall. His friend propped him back up and also took the bottle from Demo’s hand, downing a bit of the beverage himself while Demo introduced them all. “This’s Demonique,†he laughed and slapped his friend on the back. Demonique ended up choking on some of the whiskey in response before nodding our way. “An’ tha’s Demonaynay an’ tha’s Demokwon an’ Demolisha.“ The five of them brought out more alcohol once introductions were made and rolled the windows of their car down, music blasting from the stereo. We all sat in a circle now, me next to Demo with my legs crossed like a lady. I liked hanging out with him a lot more… he was also unfazed by my yelling, and since we had been friends for such a long time there wasn’t that awkwardness I had with the kids at my school. His friends seemed to like me a lot, and they weren’t mean to me. Pyro waited until it grew dark to light one of the driftwood logs, murring pleasantly as the blue flames danced alongside the setting sun. Bill lit his cigarettes on the fire, drinking from his own container of alcohol when he wasn’t puffing on a cigarette. We all laughed and chatted individually, the sound of our conversations mixing into a gentle thrum that complimented the music. I decided to talk with Demo, since he was my best friend since childhood. Besides, I knew he was totally into me. I decided to lead him on for fun. I knew this would probably come back and bite me in the ass, but I wanted to do it anyway. This was so he could be my new love interest in case Scout ever left me (ha ha, unlikely) and I could lead him on some more and grow clingy and attached to him. In the end, I would dump his ass and blackmail Scout into getting back with me. I had my future well planned out. “HELLO, DEMO!†I saluted before coyly twirling a strand of hair around my finger. I stopped suddenly; I really didn’t have any hair to twirl around my finger and was sure it looked more stupid than cute. “HOW ARE YOU?†“Aye’m gut, Solly. An ye?†“I AM ‘GUT’ TOO, PRIVATE. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.†“Hou’s the car workin’ fer ye?†“IT RUNS BEAUTIFULLY, DEMO. ALSO, I MEANT TO INFORM YOU… YOU LEFT YOUR MICHELLE BRANCH C.D. IN THERE.†Demonique, who was listening in to our conversation while flirting with Pryo, began to laugh. Demo looked fairly mortified at this. Everyone laughed a little bit and Demo sobered up as beads of nervous sweat formed on his forehead. “Eh, thenk ye, Solly. Ye kin keep it,†he whispered back meekly. “OH, REALLY? THANKS. I DO LOVE MICHELLE BRANCH, SHE HAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL VOICE AND AWESOME LYRICS! I LIKE TO SING ALONG. OH, HOW IS YOUR FAMILY DOING?†“Ma mum is gut, thenks.†Demo took a large gulp from his bottle and downed some more when the conversation began to circulate around family life. He didn’t live in the suburbs like me or any of the other kids from my school. Demo and his friends dropped in from the ghetto to hang out with us. They went to a school there, too, so we didn’t get to meet up normally. My father was good friends with Demo’s mother, so when we were little we would play together a lot. Our parents enjoyed playing bingo. It only made sense then that we would hang out while our parents roamed the various bingo halls around the city, sometimes bringing home cool gift baskets and various other presents. My mother didn’t approve of our friendship too much, and always tried to get us to hate each other. It never worked out the way she wanted it, anyway, and we still had a bromance, even if it had grown dim over the years apart. I decided I would get him alone and continue to flirt with him, preferring one-on-one time to chatting in a group. It would be a lot easier to sweet talk at him without everyone listening in on us. I grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the rocky section of the beach, where the forest line crept up a little closer to the beach. You could see where the wet dirt mixed with the pale sand, which was beginning to darken in color as the sun set lower and lower. Rocks shoved jaggedly out of the water, some scattered along the shoreline. A couple tide pools were left over as the water retreated, and we walked circles around them, drunk as could be. I was determined to connect again with my old friend, and I also wanted to perfect my flirting technique. I could cruelly practice on Demo and then try my hand on Scout. I just kind of looked up at him every now and then, giving him bedroom eyes while he hiccupped and chuckled at me. We were tip-toeing around on the sandy parts of the beach, occasionally hopping on the low-lying stones and jumping from rock to rock. The silence was nice as we got further and further apart from the rest of my peers, their chatter and the music just a background noise against the gentle lapping of the waves and the occasional seagull cry. Speaking of seagulls, I decided to ask a question about my beloved Scouty-poo. “DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SCOUT AND HIS FAMILY?†“Aye.†“I INVITED SCOUT BUT HE SAID HE COULD NOT COME. DO YOU THINK THERE IS ANY REASON BEHIND THIS? I THINK HE MIGHT NOT LIKE ME THAT MUCH.†“Nah, Solly, they are not allowed t’ come here,†he said, his voice low. Demo stared at his bottle thoughtfully. “WHY IS THAT, DEMO? YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING,†I replied, batting my eyelashes at him. I hoped he could see- it was dark after all. Demo chuckled at me, but I could tell he was flattered. No one could resist my charm! He took a drink from his bottle before continuing, clearing his throat. “A long, long time ago when thaur were Native Americans on this land, before white people took over, a group of whit ma people call ‘blood suckers’ visited. We made a truce with them, and they are not allowed on ma land. Native American people din’t live ‘round haur nou, but the people in the part of ma city ar’ all aboot point ane percent Native American, and we still hold onto those traditions. Sometimes in the summer we go oot and grass dance.†“I THOUGHT THE NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBES THAT GRASS DANCED LIVED OUT IN THE PLAINS…†Demo stood still and looked quite pensive… then his eye went from the left and to the right. He rubbed his hand on the back of his head and looked away from my face as he spoke. “Aye, ah think ye might be reight.†“ANYWHOZZLE, YOU STILL KEEP AN OLD TRADITION ALIVE? WHY? WAIT… IS SCOUT’S FAMILY SUPPOSED TO BE THE FAMILY THAT YOUR TRIBE MADE THAT DEAL WITH?†“… Ah din’t say that, but aye.†“OH MY GOODNESS I THINK I KNOW WHAT SCOUT IS NOW… HE’S A…. WAIT, I JUST LOST THE THOUGHT. NO WAY COULD HE BE A VAMPIRE, EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST TOLD ME HE WAS. ALSO, HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO ENFORCE THIS TREATY? YOU ARE JUST PEOPLE GOING UP AGAINST OVERPOWERED VAMPIRES WHO SPARKLE IN THE SUN INSTEAD OF DYING.†“Wot.†“HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO ENFORCE THE TREATY AGAINST ‘VAMPIRES’?†“I din’t believe this, but, ma people were werewolves, Solly!†I gasped at the sudden turn of events, but then promptly forgot about them because they were essential to the plot. I would find these answers again on Google. Or I would just manage to remember them a year later when the last shreds of my sanity were at stake. Oh, and I was quite drunk at the moment, too. “But, ye must keep it a secret. Ye hear?†“I PROMISE TO KEEP IT A SECRET, DEMO. SCOUT’S HONOR, TEEHEE.†“Yer bloody scary sometimes, ye know thaut?†“AT LEAST I’M NOT A WEREWOLF!†“Ar’ ye tryin’ te insinuate somethin’? Ye bloody racist!†“I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, PRIVATE,†I immediately blushed and tried to cover up my error. “SO YOU ARE NOT A WEREWOLF?†“Nah, ah’m not.†“OH, SO THOSE STORIES ARE FAKE, RIGHT?†“Yee’.†“WE SHOULD START HEADING BACK, DEMO. IT IS GETTING LATE AND I WANT TO GET BACK BEFORE I PASS OUT OR YOU PASS OUT. PROMISE TO SEE EACH OTHER SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE?†“We aur jus’ goin’ te forget.†“TRUE…†I continued to flirt with him as we began to walk back to the car. It was getting late enough to leave, and Bill was beginning to call for me once we were halfway back to the beach. Everyone had sobered up a little and we hopped into our respective cars. “Why didn’t we just leave him?†Francis grumbled before burping as he climbed into the backseat. The drive home was most unpleasant, as we kept swerving around the road. Pyro was the least drunk of us all, but still was sort of tipsy. The Wheelchair Kid was passed out in the back of the truck, his head resting on his shoulder peacefully, sometimes rolling around on his neck as we swerved and turned corners. My friends dropped me off first, speeding off as soon as I got out of the car. I yawned and dragged myself into the house, stumbling up the stairs as quietly as I could. When I finally got to my bed, I collapsed. I fell asleep immediately, pushing Demo’s folktales to the back of my brain for the moment.
Twilight x TF2 Part 3 (out of 4, btw) During my beauty rest after the beach, I had weird dreams. Wandering through the forest by The Push beach, I found myself looking for something in the dream. While climbing up the exposed tree roots with my hands, I tried to think about what it was I was looking for. My fingertips ran over the bark, some of the ridges peeling off. My mind didn't seem to want me to think about what I was searching so aimlessly for, but I felt that deep inside I knew. Suddenly, I saw Demo stumbling around in front of me, singing enthusiastically to himself. I couldn't entirely understand his accent, and the words seemed so jumbled together. Once he saw me with his good eye, he smiled over my way. I smiled back and put up a hand to wave, but then the corner of his lips turned down suddenly. He looked over my head, like a deer in the headlights. "Leuk oot, Solly," he called over, using his bottle to point behind me. Some of the liquid spilled onto the ground. Before I could turn fully, he blurred and his limbs twisted and snapped. Fur grew all along his skin, and his form bent over and shifted into that of a giant wolf's. Demo-wolf stood in the shade, lips curled back and ears pressed firmly against his head. His eye patch stayed on in wolf form, but his other eye was bright yellow and angry looking. "Yo, knucklehead." My heart jumped and began to beat as fast as ever, I knew that voice from anywhere! It was my Scouty-poo's. I whipped around now, staring upon his beautiful form. Light fell from between the dense layer of leaves and onto his face, the part visible glowing brightly. It made him look all the more godly, and before I knew it, I began to walk to him. I felt like there was the thing I had been searching so adamantly for, but while I outstretched a hand to brush my fingertips along his cold, smooth face he smiled. His buckteeth were pointed and sparkling in the little sunlight that passed down. I froze in place. Suddenly, I heard an explosion and Demo-wolf leapt over my head, his tail singed slightly. I watched in slow motion as he flew towards Scout, fangs bared and aiming for his neck. I gasped and screamed. "NO!" I awoke with a jolt, sitting so suddenly upright in my bed that I fell out. I groaned slightly, having a fierce hang over. I rubbed my forehead and went to grab some aspirin, deciding to turn my computer on in the process. It was very outdated, and still had Windows 98 on it. I waited a minute or two for it to start up. Once I was on the desktop, I clicked onto the internet. Since Engie had no idea how to work computer besides putting them together he still had AOL on it. I sighed dramatically and clicked on the icon, waiting for it to connect. It made that horrible sound, and I knew I would have to wait for a while. That sound alone intensified my hang over. Instead of just sitting there and staring at the screen like a moron with my temples pounding, I went to the bathroom. After downing a couple of aspirin, I stepped into the shower. I needed to smell good, as Scout might leap through my window to visit me at some point when I wasn't paying attention, asleep, or undressing. I even had time to blow dry my beautiful golden hair, which didn't take long to finish. With a towel wrapped around my head, I checked on my computer again, noticing that it was a little under halfway done loading. I went down to prepare rations for myself to kill some more time. Engineer had already head out to work today, or was playing bingo with Demo's mother. Either way, he wouldn't be spending time at home. I carried up a bowl of rationed cereal, along with a bar of HOOAH! It was my favorite energy snack, and also a weakness of mine. I loved to eat the chocolate ones, and often splurged on them. I could eat as many as twenty a day, but tried to limit myself to ten. They gave me enough strength to wake up in the morning, because otherwise I would be completely depressed. I sat down and ate my rations dully, staring at the screen while waiting for it to load. It wasn't even finished by the time I got back, and it took another five minutes or so to properly connect. My headache was beginning to melt away, so the noise wasn't too much of a bother any more. "FINALLY!" The computer started, blasting the start-up chime at me. Chunks of HOOAH! bar flew at the screen as I yelled, and I brushed them off, considering just licking them. Still, that would be gross. I could always grab another bar if I wanted. I went to the toolbar, clicking out of at least twenty pop-ups. When attempting to click inside the toolbar, I managed to accidentally click on an ad that just popped up and millions more popped up at me. I couldn't keep track of them all, but I noticed a couple Shamwow pop-ups. I would have to consider getting one of them... they looked so efficient, and according to the pitchman, the army used them! Along with those sorts of pop-ups, a number of dirtier ones also came up, and I nearly considered just turning off my computer. I eventually killed them all off.Finally I got to the toolbar without any other disasters and I tried to think of what to type in... "vampire" crossed my mind, but I decided that that was such a narrow term and I had already forgotten Demo's folktales. So instead I decided to type in "a supernatural being couldn't stand bright sunlight, didn't eat food, had super strength and speed, sharp teeth, and was cold to the touc". I would've put an h, but google cut it off because it was too long. Nonetheless, I pressed search and was assaulted with yet more pop-ups. Once I managed to clear those, I could see my results. I gasped at the first one to come up- "Our Vampires Are Different - Television Tropes & Idioms". Could it be...? I scrolled down the screen, killing any other pop-ups that flew at me. The second result also seemed to hint at vampires- "Twisted Twilight Chapter 15, a Twilight Fanfic -FanFiction.Net". I clicked on that link, noticing that there yes, it was indeed a fanfiction. I went back to the first chapter and began to read it. Hours passed as I went through the various chapters. This Bella... her story was so similar to mine, there were barely any differences. I felt like someone had posted a story about me, that they were stalking me in real life and making a fanfiction about ME! I could barely breath as I read it, crying a little for the protagonist. What a sad, sad life. I knew immediately that this fanfiction was... a prophecy. It was my life with Scouty-poo, and it would be about our life until the author decided to stop writing. I read up to the point that I was living in life, a shiver running down my spine. In a search to find what her true love was, Bella also had searched on google for answers like I was doing! I immediately went back to the google search page, looking at the other links. It was too eerie to continue reading, I was afraid to find out what would happen between Scout and me. The third result was- "What Genre is My Vampire Story?" I skimmed past that link. I wasn't writing a stupid vampire story! The fourth result struck out at me- "Night of Dach Shadows - Catgirl Island". Clicking on that site, a bit perplexed as to how catgirls had anything to do with that search, I noticed it was a story. I began to read through it, even more scared than before. Was Scout.... was he... a catgirl? I trembled slightly, forgetting the 'Twisted Twilight' fanfiction from before. Scout being a catgirl would explain a lot of things. Catgirls were probably super strong and super fast... they were picky about their diets, which is why Scout never ate cafeteria food. He had sharpish teeth because, well, he was a catgirl! I immediately typed something else into the search bar. Waiting for the page to load, I nibbled nervously on my HOOAH! bar. Immediately I was bombarded with pictures of catgirls, and I cringed. No way could my Scouty-poo be a catgirl! No... way. I began to tear up, scared. I scrolled down the results, waiting for something to catch my eye. "Catgirls Neko Dress Up Games"... I clicked on that link, and then on the first link on that site. It brought me to some weird flash game that took ages to load on my slow, outdated computer. I waited for a while, I contemplated the situation. Was it possible that Scout and his family were a coven of catgirls? They were graceful and beautiful, and according to the sentence or two some of the results had, the idea wasn't too odd. The image of Saxton Hale gracefully bounding around on the top of the lunch table came to my mind. He moved almost like a cat. Sniper was also very cat-like in that fact that he looked so moody and sullen. Medic and Heavy... I could totally see them as catgirls! For no real reason, honestly. From what I had seen of their father, he was probably the most cat-like of them all, coming in and disappearing without my noticing. I needed another HOOAH! bar, and I wanted to take a walk through the woods to make my mind clear. However, I remembered then that my dress up game was probably done loading, so I scampered off to grab some more food before returning, cautiously pressing the 'ENGLISH' button on the game. A catgirl appeared on my screen, and with enough clicking around, I found out that I could dress her up! This was pretty fun. I made a couple of silly outfits, chuckling at the clashing blue skirt with the pink top. I even threw on some red glasses. What a monstrosity! I laughed loudly and continued to make various outfits. Before I knew it, twelve hours had passed. I skipped downstairs, realizing I missed lunch. I went to go make rations, but apparently Engie had ordered pizza instead. I ate one slice and took ten more bars of HOOAH! to my room before going to sleep. I was not interrupted by any dreams that night. The next day I noticed the nice weather, hoping along the stairs as I went to get some breakfast. Engie was sitting at the table, filling out paperwork or something. We said hello to each other, and I sat down with him for a bit. "Nice weather, right, son?" "THAT IS CORRECT, CORPORAL," I said, smiling at him. When he smiled back, I knew then why my mother had fallen in love with him those many years before... sure, now he was old and spineless, but I could tell if you smoothed out those worried creases in his face and his head was full of hair again, he might be beautiful. There was something kind about his eyes, and I could especially tell since they were magnified so heavily. I hurried to my car when it was time to go into school, hoping it wouldn't rain today. To keep optimistic, I sang along to Michelle Branch with the windows down, letting my beautiful voice trail down the road. Pulling into the parking lot, I noticed it was quite early still, and went out to study math a little bit. There was going to be a test at some point, and I had to keep myself on top of my studies. Before I knew it, the school was getting crowded. Pyro walked over, waving a little before plopping down next to me. "GREETINGS, MAGGOT!" "Mmmf," it yawned, leaning back against the table. I knew Pyro was asking me how yesterday went. "SUNDAY WAS GREAT, I FINISHED MY ESSAY AND PLAYED FUN animu DRESS UP GAMES." "Hudda huh?!" "YES, THE ESSAY IS DUE THIS WEDNESDAY, PRIVATE. YOU BETTER HAVE IT DONE!" "Mmf mf mfff." "THAT IS VERY NICE OF YOU, PRIVATE, BUT I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. I SUGGEST YOU GO OUT WITH BILL, HE ADORES YOU. I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON SCOUTY-POO... THOUGHT I'M UNSURE ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. IT CAN'T BE FUN KISSING SOMEONE WHO THROWS UP HAIRBALLS ONCE A WEEK..." Pyro just stared at me for a moment or two before walking to class. The bell rang not too long after his dramatic exit. I skipped to class, which was trigonometry today. Bill raved to me about the dance, and told me that tomorrow, after school, they would be going down to inner-city to try on tuxedos. Of course, I was asked to attend, and I couldn't refuse. As we walked to lunch together, I ignored Bill going on about how nice and firm Pyro's butt was, peering over to Scout's table in hopes that he'd be there. Unfortunately, he wasn't. I felt like running to the bathroom and crying for the rest of the day, but I kept hopeful. In biology, he also wasn't there. I grew depressed immediately, all sorts of questions bubbling in my mind that had to be answered. The rest of the day was dull and not worth mentioning, really. That night I was preparing rations again before Engie returned home. I also went to email my mother, who was spazzing out with tons of questions. Apparently I should've been answering one or two every hour, even at school. I wrote down a quick excuse about the sunshine- which was something I never cared about before- and about how I had been busy with my friends this weekend. I decided to try and kill an hour by playing more dress-up games, delighted at the various costume combinations I could put together. I really liked to make army-like outfits for the dolls. Some of the makers had helmets, but most of them didn't. I turned to the clock after a while, gasping out. I spent four hours dressing up pixel dolls! I whipped around and looked out my window, just to see if my clock wasn't deceiving me. It was dark outside, so I knew the time was correct. Suddenly I got the feeling that I wasn't quite alone, and was about to peek around my room before I noticed Engie's car pull into the drive way. Crap, I was supposed to finish those rations! I ran downstairs to meet him, frowning slightly. "SORRY CORPORAL, I FORGOT ABOUT DINNER," I apologized, hoping I wouldn't get into any trouble. He shrugged, looking happier today. I guessed he had a good day at work, so I was relieved. "It's alright, son. I can heat somethin' up, if you'd like." "THAT IS QUITE ALRIGHT, CORPORAL... ALSO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GO DOWNTOWN TOMORROW WITH MY FRIENDS TO PICK OUT TUXEDOS FOR THE DANCE." "I thought you weren't goin'." "I AM NOT, BUT THEY NEED ME TO HELP PICK OUT CLOTHES. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND." Engie shrugged in response and went to find something to eat. I went to bed that night, nervous about the trip. ---- After school that day I followed Bill to his car and hopped in. The Wheelchair Kid was originally going to come with us, but he had physical therapy that particular night and no one felt like rescheduling the outing. Louis was the only other person in our original plans to tag along, but he had managed to convince Francis to come along, too. They wandered over a bit after we arrived, both giving me looks. I knew they wanted me, despite being in a relationship, but it was too bad for them! They climbed into the back of the car and spoke in hushed voices. I am sure they were talking about me. Bill sped down the highway and got off at one of the ramps, tires squealing as we narrowly hugged the lane. He was a lot faster than Pyro, and he almost crashed multiple times. However, these almost accidents were not his fault. A lot of the people here drove poorly because they are too stupid to care about others! Multiple times when we attempted to change lanes, the people behind us would nearly bump into us and then honk furiously at US! What imbeciles! Multiple times Bill hung out the window and yelled at other drivers, shaking his fist and cursing somewhat incoherently. That man truly was one of my best friends. I saw a bit of myself in him, after all. I hoped Pyro and him would indeed be able to make their relationship work with me around. There were times on the ramp to downtown where driving was a bit less hectic. When Bill wasn't wheezing in between puffs on his cigarette- which looked hand wrapped- he was talking to me or to the boys in the back. I changed the subject to tuxedos, as they seemed uninterested in Bill's speeches on how he thought the government was controlling us to fight in 'Nam. I found the topic quite intriguing, however. Inner-city was pretty cool looking, and all of the Starbucks and McDonalds were quite charming. Who needed local restaurants and clothing stores when you had the comfort of chain stores you were familiar with? The brick and metal architecture of the buildings was much more modern and interesting than our little block of rowhomes. I spotted many, many dirty hippies walking along, though. I silently seethed as I saw some boy with long hair wandering around! I felt the urge to tell him to get a haircut, but Bill spoke before I could roll down the window. "So, Solly, you ever been to a dance back where you live?" Bill asked, sniffling as he attempted to find parking. He spotted someone backing out from a long, long row of parked cars and honed in on it instantly, screaming out the window at any other cars that lazed by, watching the spot. A number of cars hawked by, like vultures circling death or something deep like that. "NO, PRIVATE. I CANNOT DANCE AND I NEVER LIKED GOING TO SOCIAL FUNCTIONS. WHERE I LIVED, NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE LIKED ME," I finally answered, feeling beads of sweat form on my forehead. I knew getting this spot could cost us our life. Instantly the guy attempting to back out of the spot was boxed in by other cars trying to nab the spot. Bill threw an old cup of soda at the hawking car parallel to OUR spot, also flailing many curse words their way. A fight ensued. Bill and the other driver were cursing and psychologically wailing on each other mercilessly. Both of the cars sped off to find other parking spots once Bill pulled out his combat knife and waved it around. "What a surprise," Louis grumbled about my previous comment, laughing sourly with Francis. "I KNOW, RIGHT? I'M SO ADORED HERE IT'S KIND OF A SURPRISE." "I hate trying to find parking," Francis said suddenly, sighing and leaning back in his seat. "I hate the city. I hate parking meters." "What don't you hate you piece of horseshit?" Bill roared as he moved quickly to parallel park into the newly opened spot, managing to bump into both cars at least twice. "Shut the fuck up while I'm parking or I'll cut you like I cut those Vietcong! I can't park with you bitches crying in the back seat!" The car was dead silent as Bill finished the parking job. Once he shut the car off, we all hopped out and stuck a quarter or two in the meter, respectively. The four of us walked around the block and gazed into the various fashion shop windows, looking for any place that specialized in tuxedos. Once we found a shop, we all hurried inside. "Come help me pick out a tux," Bill called over, dragging me around the racks of clothes. I personally liked the camouflage printed tuxedos, but Bill insightfully pointed out that since everyone else would likely be wearing a black tuxedo, it would be more camouflaging to wear black, too. That's what I liked about him, he was so smart. When I grew up, I wanted to be just like him. If I hadn't laid eyes upon my beautiful Scouty-poo, I might've liked Bill instead. “OF COURSE!†I shrieked and ran over, pushing Louis and Francis out of the way to get there. We browsed through the various racks of tuxedos. There were all sorts of styles, colors, and interesting prints. Bill seemed adamant on picking a very low-key black tux, though. The only thing I really had to help him with a decision on was what color tie. I couldn't stop thinking about Scout the entire time, even as the three of them piled up different tuxes in my arms. Could he really be... a... catgirl? It really did make sense, and I really wanted to know. Since he usually wore a hat, he could easily hide his ears underneath it. I wanted to ask Bill about Scout and his family, but I knew he'd never stop teasing me. Since Louis was there and didn't constantly say he hated anything he saw, I decided to ask him. I waited until Francis and Bill found dressing rooms and were busy trying stuff on to ask Louis. "LOUIS, CAN I TALK TO YOU?" "No," he said, slouching in one of the chairs next to the dressing room. I stood next to him, still holding everyone's tuxedos like a good friend. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SCOUT'S FAMILY, PRIVATE?" Suddenly he seemed to have a good idea. Maybe he finally turned around and was starting to like me! I smiled, anticipating what he would tell me. I knew it was going to be good. "Well, Solly, they are pretty weird. They tend to stay by themselves and shit. I don't know why, but they always hated everyone else. I'm sure it's just because everyone is insanely jealous of how manly and gorgeous they are. Couldn't be how unfriendly or antisocial they are at all! Well, everyone obsesses over them and stuff. A long time ago, Francis tried asking Scout out, except Scout ended up bonking him in the face. I think he likes you a lot, though. He hasn’t bonked you at all, yet.†I blushed intensely and giggled at this, my eyes growing round and kawaii as I flicked my wrist at him. Sparkles and hearts flew everywhere and the background turned pink with pink roses and unicorns. “OH, YOU.†“I mean it, Solly. I really think he likes you. You should ask him out and hang out with his family instead. We’re so, uh… boring and normal and stuff.†“LOUIS, YOU ARE QUITE RIGHT. I NEVER TOOK YOU TO BE THE SMART ONE OF THIS GROUP!†“Are you sayin’ that because I’m black?†“UH, NO, PRIVATE. IN FACT BLACK PEOPLE ARE AWESOME,†I said quickly and cringed when he raised his arm… to rest around my shoulder, a friendly gesture. “Tomorrow, hang out with him, ok?†“I WILL! IF HE EVEN IS HERE TOMORROW,†I sighed and plopped myself down next to him, dropping everyone’s clothes in the process. I leaned forward and buried my face in my hands dramatically and then looked over to him. “DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY ALL SKIP SO MUCH? IT CAN’T BE GOOD FOR THEIR GRADES, AND YET THEY KNOW THE ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING AND MANAGE TO PASS EVERY CLASS WITH A’S.†“Whenever it’s sunny, they go out and hike or something like that. Even though they don’t tell anyone about it, everyone around the school still knows this. I think that tall skinny creepy looking one likes to go and survive in the wilderness on his own and I know the fat one wrestles bears. At least that’s what I read on facebook.†I decided that I liked Louis a lot. Sure, he mostly hung out with Francis and gossiped a bit, but he wasn’t asking all these questions or giving me smug looks like Bill would’ve. I realized then that my friends were all pretty cool and fun to hang out with for individual reasons. Too bad I’d end up ditching them to become one of Scout’s magical catgirl family. How does one turn into a catgirl, anyhow? Once everyone got their tuxedos and nice dress shoes, we all discussed where we would go to dinner. We all decided to go to the Olive Garden, but since we had some time before six we started to discuss other possible plans to fill in time. START HERE Francis, Louis, and Bill all wanted to go to the bay and walk around and talk. I decided that that would be boring and I wanted to be antisocial. Since I wanted to know how to turn into a catgirl, I figured maybe I’d take a walk to the closest book store and see what I could find. Google had provided me answers before, but I decided to buy some overpriced reference book instead. The three of them wanted to come with me, but I insisted they go and spend their time chatting instead of following me around. They quickly ran back to the car to throw their clothes in and I headed the opposite way, looking around for a Barnes and Nobles. I wasn’t entirely sure where I was going, and I wasn’t paying too much attention either. My mind was preoccupied with Scout… there wasn’t a moment in my life that I wasn’t thinking about him, really. I was still worrying unnecessarily about what he was. I had my answer narrowed down now… if I was right, Scout and his family were just a pack of coldblooded killers. Cats who prowled around outdoors were often famous with devastating local wilderness. I gulped and pushed the thought to the back of my brain, concentrating solely on finding a bookstore. I ended up on the very outskirts of the city. I noticed how much junkier it was here. The streets were no longer at least somewhat clean, and many, many pieces of trash were littered about the sidewalk and gutters. Finally, I found a place. It was a small bookshop with a ton of weird figurines in the window. I noticed a number of them were catgirls doing various things or having various things done to them. I immediately knew that this was where I would find my answers! Even though the sign on the window said "animu AND MANGA STORE" I knew I could find a good book here. After scouring the shelves, I found a book all about catgirls that I knew would provide me with a solid answer. I spent a long time searching through all of the books and 'mangas'. They seemed really cool, and there were a lot of catgirls in them. When I stepped out of the shop, I noticed how much darker it was. The streetlights were on now, and the neon in all of the windows was glowing with a hum. Once I stepped out, I realized… I had no idea where the heck I was! I had spent so much time wandering around without noticing where I was going to remember the way back home! I attributed this to my poor sense of direction, which really was a stupid thing to blame because that was more stupidity than anything. “Hey!†I turned around and saw a group of people calling over to me, their menacing fanny packs tied tightly around their rather large waists. Their faces were shadowed slightly by visors. “Do you know where-?†“PLEASE DON’T RAPE ME!†I shrieked, hurrying down the sidewalk with my arms glued to my sides. My heart pulsed against my neck and in my chest. They followed after, confused looks on their faces. “Sir, sir, we just want to know where fifth street is?†“AH!†I screamed, hurrying even faster down the sidewalk. Screw running! That would make sense! “PLEASE DON’T!†“We’re just tourists, sir! Please wait up, no one else around here knows!†I stopped suddenly, tears streaming down my face. This was not how I would picture my first time. My beauty was just overwhelming, I supposed. Even stepping outside and walking around by myself would incent most people to jump me! “FINE THEN, BUT MAKE IT QUICK!†I said in between sobs, grabbing the one guy by his collar and falling to my knees. “YOU ARE MAGGOTS, THE LOT OF YOU!†Suddenly a van pulled up and skidded around in a dramatic u-turn, the wheels squealing loud enough to make people ten blocks over cringe. I looked over, wondering how well they had planned this rape thing out when suddenly I heard a familiar voice. “Yo, get in tha car, fatty!†Without a second thought I obeyed and jumped in, sticking my tongue out at the would-be rapists. What depraved, ignorant individuals they were! Now they would have to prowl the streets for another less gorgeous victim. “STEP ON IT, MAGGOT.†“Uh, no!†I turned around, gasping at the weird sudden turn of events! It was my Scouty-poo! I knew I recognized that voice. How could I ever forget such an angelic sound? The idea was absolutely preposterous. I immediately cuddled up to him. “SCOUT! I KNEW YOU WOULD SAVE ME. TWICE IN A ROW, THOUGH? YOU HAVE TO BE STALKING ME OR SOMETHING- NOT THAT I MIND IT. JUST TELL ME IF YOU ARE ALREADY!†Scout smacked me across the face and pushed me to the side of the car. By then, the rapists had run off, probably fearing his almighty catgirl prowess. I would be shaking in my combat boots, too, if I were in their position! I rubbed the side of my cheek, noting how strong his arm was. Yes, he was definitely a catgirl! “I ain’t stalkin’ you, tardella. What tha’ fuck were ya' doin’?!†He was just seething with anger. I knew he was absolutely pissed at those people for trying to take advantage of me, and they would be able to if he hadn’t come to save me! “I WAS GOING TO THE BOOK STORE AND THEN IT WAS DARK AND THEN THEY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. OH MY GOD I COULD SEE MY VIRGINITY FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES! IT WAS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THING, SCOUTY-POO. I AM SO HAPPY YOU CAME TO SAVE ME. WE SHOULD DO IT RIGHT NOW, JUST IN CASE I GET STALKED AGAIN IN THE FUTURE!†“No, no, and, uh, NO! Shut up with that shit, fatty. I ain’t a chubby chaser,†he hissed, driving off. I tried making sexy poses in my seat to distract him so he’d change his mind. I arched my back seductively and threw my head against the seat, leaning back. “ARE YOU SURE, SCOUT?†I yelled, my voice husky and low. I knew he couldn’t resist me! “I’M ALL YOURS.†“Are you a retard or somethin’? I said no! Then again, that was a rhetorical question I guess. Ya’ definitely are a retard. Why were you fucking with those tourists back there? And most importantly, WHY are you here?†“OH, MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I WENT TO BUY CLOTHES FOR THE DANCE. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING OUT TO DINNER RIGHT NOW, BUT I ALMOST GOT RAPED BY THOSE ‘TOURISTS’. OH, THEY RAN OFF TO HANG OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE OR SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU HERE?!†“… that ‘bookstore’ ya went to? I work there. And it’s not a bookstore, tardella, it’s an animu shop! Fuckin’ duh.†“OH YES, animu. YOU LIKE animu? I LIKE IT TOO! FUNNY, YOU WORKING THERE OF ALL PLACES...†“Shut up.†I listened, beaming ecstatically as he went to track my friends down and drop me off with them. I explained then that we were going to go to the Olive Garden- the finest Italian restaurant we know. As he pulled up in front of the place, I saw my friends walking out, chatting animatedly. “YO’, WHY’D YA’ LEAVE THIS RETARD BY HIMSELF?†Scout yelled out the window at them. They paled a little bit and I just gave them a smug grin. “He was botherin’ the tourists. Who’s fuckin’ idea was to let him run around by himself?!†They all pointed fingers at each other, looking meek under Scout’s impending catgirl rage. I knew this might end badly, and in rabies, so I quickly made an excuse for them. Sure, they were shitty friends letting me wander off alone and heading out to dinner without even bothering to give me a call, but I didn’t want to see them get hurt. “SCOUT, IT IS OKAY, I TOLD THEM TO GO ALONG, AS I WANTED TO BE ANTISOCIAL. PLUS, IT ENDED UP WITH ME BEING HERE WITH YOU, SO I’M FINE. LOUIS, BILL, FRANCIS, YOU RUN ALONG HOME NOW YOU MAGGOTS. I AM GOING TO EAT DINNER WITH SCOUT.†“Wha’? No way in fuckin’ hell am I eatin’ dinner with ya’!†“I HAVE BLACKMAIL!†I yelled in a sing-song voice, grinning as he just sat there with a defeated look on his face, throwing his arms into the air. He sped off to find us parking, leaving the trio behind. Looking back out of the van, I noticed that they were extremely happy for me. I knew Bill would never shut up, but I didn’t care any more! “OH SCOUTY-POO, I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE~!†“Don’t care.†“YOU SHOULD TURN ME INTO ONE OF YOU, SO I CAN LIVE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOREVER AND EVER.†“That ain’t fuckin’ happenin’!†“SO HOW DID YOU FIND ME OUT THERE ANYWAY, DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF A TRACKER ON ME? YOU KNOW, I HAD ONE ON YOU, TOO. HAHA.†Scout cringed again and swerved into a spot, pressing the brakes immediately before he was able to hit the car in front of us. He had very fast catgirl reflexes, obviously. I ended up hitting my head on the dashboard. “Ya' wha'?!†“OH, NOTHING SCOUTY-POO,†I said, a bit dazed. I shook it off, though, and hopped out of the car. “OFF TO THE OLIVE GARDEN NOW.†Scout dragged his feet all the way inside as we waited to be seated. Our waitress was skinny and blond, and she lead us to our table by the window. It was pretty romantic, but her hitting on him the entire time ruined the mood considerably. “What can I get you to drink?†She asked, ignoring me. The waitress batted her long lashes at Scout, smiling warmly at him. I felt like smoke was shooting out of my ears. “I got my own drink,†Scout said charmingly. I was sure he didn’t do this on purpose, as he just was naturally sort of charming. It was totally just what he did all the time. “Thanks, though. Babe.†She giggled a bit and blushed. “I WOULD LIKE A DIET COKE, PLEASE,†I shouted, trying to distract her from flirting with my man! I got a diet coke because I knew I needed to watch my figure. “ALSO, I WANT TWO ORDERS OF SPAGHETTI.†“So you’re both having spaghetti?†she asked, looking at Scout once more and jotting our orders down on her notepad. “No, that fatass right there’s gonna have two orders. I don’t want anything,†he grumbled as she giggled and went off to get our orders, stumbling various times in her six inch heels. “SO SCOUT, TELL ME HOW YOU KNEW WHERE I WAS!†“I told ya’ already, I work at that store and I went over pick something up, which I still need to do.†“FUNNY, YOU WORKING THERE,†I said, staring at him suspiciously. “I BET YOU FOLLOWED ME DOWN HERE, AND THEN CIRCLED THE CITY FOR HOURS ATTEMPTING TO FIND ME. SINCE I AM SUCH A MAGNET FOR TROUBLE, YOU KNEW YOU HAD TO PROTECT ME. SO YOU WERE QUITE HAPPY TO FIND ME WHEN YOU DID, BUT YOU STILL WANT TO GO BEAT THOSE GUYS UP FOR NEARLY FORCING ME!†“No, just. No,†he hissed. “Can ya’ stop yellin’ by the way? Ya’ gonna get us kicked out!†“I’M NOT YELLING!†“Yah, ya’ are.†“NO I’M NOT!†Needless to say, we were kicked out pretty quickly after that. Two bodyguards had to escort me out of the place. I still wanted my spaghetti, god dammit! "This is a real frickin' embarrassment," Scout shouted at me as we were dragged out and thrown onto the parking lot pavement. We both walked back to the van with our heads down. I climbed back into Scout’s van, the silence nearly deafening. Scout started the car and sped off, leaving the window on my side wide open. It was really cold, but I didn’t mind too much. He sped off down the streets, any cops we passed ignored us. Since it was Scout’s family’s car we were allowed to break the law. “I’m gonna ask some questions, alright, Tardella?†I knew this might not be good. --- I pouted as he drove towards the edge of the city, now nearing the suburbs. I wondered where Scout was taking us, but I didn't allow myself to worry. I was in good hands, so I knew I would be safe with him. He had saved me from those evil rapists, after all. "SO WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, SCOUTY-POO? AND I STILL WANT TO ASK MORE QUESTIONS," I said, sticking my lower lip out and crossing my arms. I glared his way. His face was stone cold, and it was like he had a raincloud drifting over his head. "I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND ASK ANYWAY." Scout didn't answer, so I took that as a sign to just continue. He just stared ahead, glaring at the road. I hoped he was paying attention to me; however, I knew I was boring and normal compared to him so I didn't feel entirely confident. "WHY DO YOU WORK AT AN animu STORE, SCOUT?" It took a while for him to acknowledge the question as he drove. I sat there staring at him blankly, waiting. I would not give up on this question. I would not back down at any point. If Scout thought that ignoring me would work, he was completely wrong! I could sit like this for hours until he answered. If he tried walking away, I could follow him. No matter how fast he thought he was, I could get there. I had the GPS tracker on him still, and checking on it quickly while he drove, I noticed that it was mysterious still on him… Finally he turned around and just cringed. I could tell he was getting rather defensive and didn’t want to answer, but after enough staring at him and asking over and over he was beginning to wear thin. "Why does it matter?!" "BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, SCOUT! NOW ANSWER ME. IT'S NOT A HARD QUESTION. YES OR NO! YOU GETTING DEFENSIVE OVER THIS IS AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS… I WON’T TELL ANYONE WHY. YOU CAN RELY ON ME." "I dunno," he said thoughtfully, shrugging as he passed a couple cops. He seemed more willing to answer now, but he was still grinding his teeth. The police ignored him completely and just continued to idle and wait for other cars to speed by. "I like animu? But if you tell anyone I am an otaku I will kill ya’." I knew this was no mere coincidence. There was no way that Scout couldn’t be a catgirl, all the signs pointed to it! Suddenly I felt a compulsion to check under his hat, but I knew he’d probably freak out at me. I didn’t really want to have my face scratched up, either. Maybe if I pet him he’d calm down and finally be nice? I think I might’ve had some catnip on me, too. Still, I didn’t want the take the chance of having him maul my face. I would ask later when he was in a calmer mood. That was practically never, but right now he was on the verge of going into a catgirl rage. As my eyes traveled down and away from his hat, I noticed the speed dial hovering around a very high number and freaked out. “YOU ARE GOING AT 100 MILES PER HOUR IN A SUBURBAN AREA, MAGGOT! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! WHAT IF YOU HIT A CAT?!†I would never in my life talk to him like that, but I was scared. He blinked, looked down at the meter and just laughed at me, not looking at the road once. I shrieked as he swerved and nearly ran into a car, but swerved back just in time. I felt so dizzy being tossed back and forth like this. Staring out the window, everything was just a blur. “I can go as fast as I want, tardella. The cops don’t give a flyin’ fuck,†he laughed some more, pulling a very tight circle as he drove to the end of some cul-de-sac. A couple people ran out to check on the noise, but then he drove back out. “I’m so hot and rich so the cops just ignore me. I guess an ugly bitch like you wouldn’t understand. Plus, if I crash, you’ll die and I’ll still be alive. So either way it’s a win-win situation.†“YOU ARE BREAKING THE LAW, SCOUT!†“Didn’t ya’ hear me?†he glared, but then shrugged and turned back to face the road. “Nevermind. Ya’ won’t even hear that question, I bet.†“NOPE!†“Anyway, ya’ got any other retarded theories as to what I ‘am’? I’m sick of you freaking out.†“YES I DO, SCOUTY-POO. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE OF WHAT YOU ARE, NOW. HOWEVER, I’M JUST GOING TO TALK ABOUT STUFF AND SORT OF ALLUDE TO WHAT I THINK YOU ARE AND THEN JUST SAY IT STRAIGHT OUT. BUT YOU CAN’T ANSWER ME TRUTHFULLY JUST YET SO WE CAN HAVE A DRAMATIC SCENE IN THE FOREST WHERE I WHISPER WHAT YOU ARE. THERE WILL BE AWKWARD, WEIRD CAMERA ANGLES AND MUSIC THAT ISN’T PERFORMED BY DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE OR RADIOHEAD OR SOME OTHER LESSER KNOWN BAND FOR THE COOL INDIE FACTOR.†“I hate when ya’ go on a foreshadowing rant like that that makes no sense to me. I didn’t listen to what ya’ said at all, so cut to the chase.†“WHAT DID I SAY?†“Just tell me what ya’ think I am, asshole.†“SO A WHILE AGO I WAS LOOKING ON GOOGLE,†I began; he just sighed and banged his head on the wheel a couple times, finally heading back into the city to drop me off. I could tell because the houses were beginning to look uglier and soon instead of single houses, they began to mold into twins. The twins began to multiply, molding together until there were longer strings of skinny houses. The only plants now were ivy. I noticed I had stopped talking because I was getting distracted. “Go on,†he mumbled, now driving with his knees. He rested his elbow on the edge of the door. His hand propped his head up as he leaned away from me, chewing the inside of his mouth. “I can’t wait to just hear what retarded theory ya’ have for me now.†“AS I WAS SAYING, I WENT ON GOOGLE. THEN I DECIDED TO LOOK UP ALL OF YOUR SYMPTOMS. FIRST I CAME ACROSS VAMPIRE, AND THERE WAS EVEN A FANFICTION THAT WAS PRETTY INTUNE WITH MY LIFE. BUT THEN I READ THIS OTHER FANFICTION ABOUT….. CATGIRLS.†All of the sudden his eyebrows shot up and he pulled on an incredulous look. I knew I was completely, one hundred percent right, now. His reaction just screamed ‘that is correct, maggot’. “AND WELL, CATGIRLS ARE SUPER FAST AND SUPER STRONG. THEY HAVE FANGS, AND ARE VERY PICKY WITH THEIR DIETS JUST LIKE REAL CATS. SOME CATS ARE ANTISOCIAL AND NOT VERY NICE, TOO. THEY CAN JUMP HIGH AND HAVE GOOD REFLEXES.†“Seriously? Just… seriously?!†“YES, SCOUT, SERIOUSLY. I KNOW EVERYTHING! YOU CAN’T HIDE THE TRUTH FROM ME ANY MORE! I KNOW TOO MUCH. YOU’LL HAVE TO SHUT ME UP BY ACCEPTING ME INTO YOUR FAMILY.†At this he laughed for a very, very long time, but eventually acknowledged my theory. I folded my arms, determined to get my way yet again. He lost to this trick before when I asked my first question, so I knew he would have to turn me into a catgirl right there and now! I wasn’t sure how, and I didn’t consider any of the pros or cons to becoming a catgirl, but I knew what I wanted! I would live with Scout forever, despite just meeting him not too long ago. I knew despite our incompatibility and childish natures that we would stay together forever in a financially, emotionally, sexually, and mentally healthy relationship. “So you think I’m a catgirl?†“AFFIRMATIVE, SCOUTY-POO!†“And you’re not scared? I could easily tackle and kill ya’ like ya’ were some… rat or somethin’,†he pointed out, ignoring my demand. “I’m a monster, tardella. Not just a monster, but a monster that originated from Japan itself. Do you know what Japan is even like?†“YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER! WELL, EXCEPT FOR KILLING LOCAL WILDERNESS, YOU MONSTER! THINK OF ALL THOSE POOR LITTLE SPARROWS YOU’VE MURDERED… OR THOSE FUNNY LITTLE CRITTERS THAT LOOK LIKE MOLES?!†“I only eat the finest cat food,†he said, snootily. Then he burst into laughter yet again. He just couldn’t stop laughing. I felt insulted. How was I supposed to know how catgirls lived? It wasn’t my fault I wasn’t a complete weaboo like him! “OH, SO YOU AREN’T A CRUEL, COLD-BLOODED KILLER?†“Only when people piss me off,†he answered, looking over at me and narrowing his eyebrows. “I’M HAPPY YOU LIKE ME, THEN.†“Ya’ are one clueless motherfucker, aren’t ya’?†“WHAT?†“Again, nevermind.†“SCOUT, I JUST WANT TO SAY, I WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE,†I said, batting my eyelashes at him. I really did mean that. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. Even if we just met, what, a month or two ago? Scout seemed quiet upon hearing this, the angry look dissipated from his face. Instead he seemed thoughtful. His eyebrows narrowed slightly and his eyes were distant. I was afraid maybe that he didn’t believe me. I looked forward for once and shrieked again. We were now driving down the very skinny, narrow front lawns of the various rowhomes. Pink flamingos and mailboxes were thrown either side. We also plowed through a couple of white picket fences on the way. “SCOUT, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!†“Wha-huh?!†Suddenly he swerved back onto the main road, shaking himself out of his little reverie. He looked pissed again, so I knew he had dropped from whatever daydream he was in. I asked my question again, reaching out the window to pull a couple bruised flowers that were lodged in the wipers. I didn’t even want to see what the grate on the car looked like now. “ANYWAY AS I SAID BEFORE, YOU HAVE TO TURN ME INTO A CATGIRL!†“Again, no! I don’t want ya’ around with me for all of eternity!†“SO YOUR WHOLE FAMILY ARE CATGIRLS, RIGHT?†“Sure.†“WHERE DO THEY ALL HIDE THEIR EARS? I COULD SEE SNIPER AND SAXTON HALE HIDING THEM UNDER THEIR HAT, BUT WHAT ABOUT HEAVY OR MEDIC?†Scout took a moment to think of the answer, “Well, have you even seen the top of Heavy’s head? The guy’s a freakin’ bear! He has ears up there, but he’s too tall.†“OH, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT? IT MAKES SENSE!†I can’t recall ever seeing the top of his head… well, I was pretty sure I couldn’t. Plus since he’d be one of those hairless cats his ears would probably blend in with his bald head. “WHAT ABOUT MEDIC, THOUGH?†“Well, uh…†he started, taking even more time answering this question. “Medic’s always pissed, ya’ know? Have you ever seen an angry cat?†“AFFIRMATIVE. THEY ARE QUITE SCARY,†I said with a nod. “They got their ears pressed back and everythin’, right? Well that’s why ya’ never notice ‘em. They’re pressed down against his hair. So they’re hidden that way!†“OH! HOW CLEVER!†“… How did you get this all from a fanfiction, anyway?!†“WELL, SCOUT, I SIMPLY SEARCHED A PHRASE ON GOOGLE AND SOME STORY CAME UP SO I CLICKED ON IT AND READ IT. I BEGAN TO THINK AND I DECIDED I’D RESEARCH ‘CATGIRLS’. IT CAME UP WITH A LOT OF WEIRD PAGES, BUT I READ SOME OF THEM.†“And so you learned about catgirls that way? How many pages of porn did ya’ have to sift through to get actual info?†“AFFIRMATIVE, SCOUTY-POO! ALSO I FOUND THIS COOL PAGE THAT HAS LINKS TO DRESS UP GAMES. THERE WAS A CATGIRL ONE AND I MADE YOU, TEEHEE. YOU HAD CUPCAKES AND A CUTE LITTLE SKIRT AND-†“Oh, and here we are, back at your house. Get out.†“AREN’T WE GOING TO SIT HERE AND MAKE OUT FOR A BIT MORE?!†“Ha ha, no,†he said and reached across me to open up my door. In one swift motion he swung around in his seat, kicked me out the door, swung back, closed the door, and drove off again with his tires squealing. My lips were puckered up the entire time, expecting a kiss! Oh well, I guess Scout just didn’t move that fast in a relationship. I got up and brushed myself off before heading inside, happy with how the night turned out. I hoped Scout would be in school tomorrow. I wanted to hang out with him and skip school. Maybe then he’d agree to make out with me! “Hey, Solly, back so soon?†Engie asked from the living room, a bottle of beer in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. He looked slightly confused. “It’s pretty early!†I realized the time immediately, and knew that due to traffic in center city it usually took hours to get back here. I should’ve been home an hour or two from now. If Scout hadn’t sped around, I would be home at a normal time. Even with the detours we took, he still managed to get me home early. “OH, YES, CORPORAL. WE LEFT A LITTLE EARLY, AS MY FRIENDS HAD PICKED OUT THEIR TUXEDOS QUICKLY. WE SKIPPED DINNER!†I knew if I told Engie that Scout picked me up and I was almost raped that I would have no more freedom to do as I pleased. Even if this was a pretty good idea due to how much trouble I seemed to attract, I wanted to run around and put myself in peril as I pleased! Screw everyone else missing me if I were to die or be seriously injured! Then I began to think of what would happen to mom and him if I turned into a catgirl and left them. I was their only child, and while I was stupid the majority of the time they did care about me. I knew this would be a hard decision when the time came to it, but I knew what my decision would be. Screw them! I was going to spend eternity with my true love- who had only recently began to spend time with me. Screw the people who had spent more than half of their lives making sure I didn’t kill myself out of sheer stupidity. Catgirls were so much cooler, anyway. “Oh, cool. There’s pizza in the kitchen, then. Have a slice.†“THAT IS ALRIGHT, CORPORAL. I AM TOO TIRED TO EAT! I SHALL GO TO BED!†“Have fun with that,†he mumbled, but then seemed to remember something. I started upstairs to change for bed, but he stopped me. “Wait a second- I have somethin’ to give ya’.†“YES, CORPORAL?†I asked, standing still and saluting. Engie ran past me and up the stairs to his room. A lot of noise could be heard, and eventually he came back a couple moments later- he carried a large, hand-made rocket launcher downstairs with him. I instantly squealed, my palms hitting both sides of my face. Engie was the best! “I probably should’ve given this to ya' before you went to the city, but I forgot it. If some weirdo ever tries to steal ya’ or somethin’, just blast this in his face,†he said with a fatherly smile, handing it off to me. I teared up instantly and hugged it. My very own rocket launcher! “I spent a long time makin’ that, so you best take care of it, ya’ hear?†“THANK YOU CORPORAL, OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER. WELL, OTHER THAN THE CAR YOU GOT ME! YOU’RE THE BEST CORPORAL IN THE WORLD! I WILL POLISH IT EVERYDAY AND MAKE SURE IT’S IN TOP WORKING ORDER, LIKE A GOOD LITTLE MAGGOT!†Engie smiled bashfully and rubbed the back of his balding head, nodding shyly my way as a welcome. Then he returned quietly to his show while I aimed at various objects in the living room and ran around, playing a pretend game of army. I was no longer tired. “BOOOOM!†I shrieked as I pretended to fire at the couch. Ha ha, that couch was now dead! Then I turned around and pretended to shoot at the kitchen table, making the sound effects to go along with it. Engie ignored me as he watched the game. He had grown good at ignoring my antics. Suddenly I aimed at the window and pretended to shoot, but I accidentally pressed on the trigger a little harder than I meant to. A rocket shot out and through the window, hitting the tree I had been aiming at. It exploded in an array of pretty colors. “What the fuck are you doin’?!†Engie yelled, jumping up and dropping his beer. He ran outside to put the fire out, then came back in to shoo me to bed as he explained what happened to the cops. I hurried upstairs and took a quick shower, thinking of all the useless detail I could include to fill the page out so the chapter was a little bit longer, but I decided not to. I just took a nice, warm shower and went to lie down in bed. An entire page wasn’t required to describe that. As I fell asleep, my mind kept drifting to my beloved Scouty-Poo. About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Scout was a catgirl. Second, there was a part of him- and I didn’t know how potent that part might be- that loved fancy cat food. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Twilight x TF2 Part 4 (of 4) I woke up the next day, wondering if everything was just a dream. I then decided to screw that thought, as I didn’t care otherwise. I pretended things I thought up were true all the time, so last night wouldn’t be any different either way. Even if Scout pretended that last night didn't happen, I sure as hell would believe it happened so hard IT WOULD COME TRUE. My entire day was filled with nothing but filler, ironically enough; I spoke with Bill in trigonometry as I merely recalled the entire last chapter to him. It was completely useless, but for some reason I still found the need to fill up about five pages with it. There is nothing better to read than useless dialogue! Once the bell rang for lunch period I was off, hurrying towards my locker to exchange books before going to the cafeteria. I sighed dreamily, eyes turning towards the windows. The sky was filled with angry gray clouds, ready to erupt in thunder and lightning. It was going to rain sometime today. I wondered if my beloved would be here, as I knew cats didn’t care much for the rain. Suddenly I heard a couple kids who were crowded around the window pointing in wonder. I wandered over, curious as to what the commotion was about. “Do you see that, man?†“Fuck, are those… zombies?†"Nah, dude, everyone knows people in zombie movies don't know about zombies. So by that logic, they're just normal people to us. Let's go help them out, as they are obviously sick!" My eyebrows raised as I looked over their shoulder to see what the hell they were talking about. Zombies? What sort of a joke was this? The two kids ran past me and down the stairwell. Before I could actually peek out the window, a shriek sounded from down the hallway. I turned quickly, noticing a group of kids being thrown against the lockers. They fell quickly and tried to crawl away, but some other people jumped on them. I gasped, my heart stopping suddenly. The people attacking looked deathly ill at best. Their skin was discolored, slightly blue or green. There were violent bruises all around their arms and face, blood seeping from their mouths, splattering all along their front as their nails raked on the healthy kid's skin. I reached for my trusty rocket launcher, pulling it out of hammer space! “WATCH OUT, MAGGOTS!†I warned, pressing the trigger and grinning as the zombies looked up, snarling like dogs before the missile hit them. Various body parts flew everywhere in a bloody, gory mess. The zombies not in the center of the blast let out a sound shriek as they ran for me, their limbs not yet stiff or decomposed. They were fresh, and I immediately recognized them as some of the people from around the neighborhood. Hell, I was sure the fat, balding zombie had been my neighbor! Well, not any more. “YOU WILL NOT TURN ME,†I yelled, pointing the rocket launcher straight at them. I knew at this point that I would probably only be able to fully kill one of them. The others would surely pounce on me and tear me up… this was the end. I would not go out without a fight, though! I had to at least fill this scene with all much explosions and unnecessary gore as possible. Suddenly, gunshots sounded. The zombies fell to the ground, their heads opened up and gushing blood. I blinked once or twice and turned to see who my savior was. There stood my Scouty-poo with what looked like a sawed off shotgun? It looked a little beaten up and in poor condition, but obviously it shot well. “Ya’ gonna just stand there, fag?†he said, reloading and running over to the stairwell. I chased after, much slower than him. “WAIT UP!†“If ya’ slow me down I’m gonna kill ya’, too! I ain't got time for these faggy, fuckin' games!†Despite that sentiment, he slowed down considerably to keep pace with me. He looked anxious, and bounced around, ready to take off if another round of zombies came at us. However, the bandaged finger clutched loosely around the trigger of his gun suggested otherwise. I knew he'd stay with me. He loved me even if he didn't want to admit it! “I gotta’ find my family,†he told me. “Ya’ comin’ along, right?†“AFFIRMATIVE, SCOUT! I SHALL ACCOMPANY YOU IN THIS MISSION!†I saluted, standing up tall and straight. “WHERE ARE YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS LOCATED?†I wasn’t too worried about them. Surely catgirls would be able to defend themselves well enough from a zombie apocalypse. They were probably immune, even! Catgirls might’ve looked human, but they were completely different. “I dunno… they probably went home,†he mumbled, suddenly getting a bright idea. “To the van, tardella! We can check!†“MARCH FORWARD! HUT HUT HUT!†I screamed out, marching towards the parking lot. “Oh my god,†Scout said, slapping himself on the forehead. Suddenly he reached over his back and pulled an aluminum baseball bat out of hammer space, whacking me across the head with it. “Walk normally ya’ fuckin’ tard! This ain’t play pretend army time! An' stop yellin'! Ya' gonna' alert those dumb bastards.†I fell straight onto my butt, rubbing the side of my face slowly… did he really just… bonk me? I blushed slightly, feeling myself tear up. This was an honor! “YOU BONKED ME!†Scout immediately aimed his gun at my face, throwing a glare at me down the barrel. “Yeah? Whatcha’ gonna’ do 'bout it?†“I AM HONORED!†I shrieked, standing up immediately and throwing my arms around him. I gave him a quick kiss on the side of his face. “THAT WAS… AMAZING.†“Ew!†he yelled in response, pushing me violently. I still held on though, rubbing the bridge of my nose lovingly on the spot right behind his ear. He felt oddly cold, so I would have to warm him up. Didn't cats like getting rubbed like this? He didn't seem to like it much. “GET OFFA’ ME!†“YOU ARE SO COLD, SCOUT,†I said, continuing to nuzzle the side of his head. “AND WHY AREN’T YOU PURRING YET?†“Ugh!†I found myself bonked on the head yet again, though this time it was hard enough where I blacked out for a moment or two. I mentally awoke with Scout dragging me through the parking lot, shooting down zombies as they ran to us. I blasted a rocket at some trailing behind that he didn’t seem to notice, and the lot of them blew up in an array of pretty colors. I joyfully giggled. “Walk on ya’ own now, fatass,†he growled and dropped me, pacing around irritably as he killed zombie after zombie. He ran fast enough to escape them, so he could’ve made it on his own. I felt happy that he did wait for me, but I decided not to say this out loud. He might get pissy and try to run off, then. I didn't want to give him the idea to do so. I rolled up onto my feet, walking with Scout while he ran circles around me like a hyperactive cat. I wish I were faster, as he seemed impatient walking me over to where the van was parked. Or should’ve been parked. “Fuck, those assholes left without me!†He yelled, kicking one of the cars in frustration. Suddenly the alarm cried, and in the distance there were yowls and shrieks. Dramatic music played, and we looked at each other, confused as to what was going on. “Oh… shit, what did I just do?†“Hudda hudda!†I turned around to see Pyro running out of the school building, covered in blood, its clothes were slightly burnt, too. I wondered how that happened, but then I noticed the propane tank it was carrying around. The propane tank was strapped to Pyro’s back with a couple belts, and attached to the nozzle of the tank was a hose… running all the way down to what seemed to be a very makeshift flame thrower. I noticed that it was compiled from what seemed to be a gas nozzle and a metal shower head. “PYRO!’ It wobbled over, flaming an incoming zombie, who shrieked as the flames hit. Its flesh curled up, peeling off of its body, leaving the worst smell ever behind. It collapsed, parts of it still on fire, but mostly going out once hitting the still-wet muscle underneath. There was a sickening sizzle as it lay there, dim flames still burning away leftover clothing. Pyro merely stepped over it gingerly and continued to waddle over to us. I could tell underneath those various layers of clothes that it was probably making the creepiest grin I could ever imagine. “Hudda hmmm!†It yelled, spraying flames everywhere as a large, large pack of zombies narrowed in on us. The three of us immediately stood back to back, shooting or spraying flames at the oncoming horde. They were all easy to take out at first, but soon more and more just came, attracted to the sound of the car alarm and the headlights blinking on and off. I found myself out of ammo in no time, though Scout still had a lot in his bag. Pyro mumbled that it would have to change out propane tanks very, very soon. This felt like the end. They kept coming and coming, and we were all praying that the damned car alarm would shut off soon. I had resorted to smacking zombies upside the head with my trench shovel. Another horde sounded and I knew that this would be… our last moment together. I cried while bashing heads in, trying to shriek over the madness. “SCOUT, I LOVE YOU! PYRO, I’M SORRY I COULDN’T LOVE YOU!†“Hudda huh!†Pyro said, the last of the flames spurting out. “Ya’ ain’t too bad, really,†Scout yelled back, tears running down his face, too. I just threw my arms around him. He hugged me back, bawling like a baby. “WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE TO TAKE THE VAN?!†“WE SHOULD DO IT REALLY QUICKLY BEFORE WE DIE, BY THE WAY," I suggested. As the next horde ran down the hill, the car alarm finally stopped. I let out a sob due to the irony. If only it had stopped one second sooner... they wouldn't be running over here, ready to kill the three of us and consume our flesh. However, the horde had seen us, and they were all slowly diving in. They were coming in closer... and closer... Suddenly I heard music. You know, like when you’re about to die you hear music? It was slightly muffled, but then… I could pick out some of the words. Well, I could recognize that they were trying to say words. Wait, was that Scottish rap? Just as the horde closed down the block, they all exploded! Any running in after them that managed to survive the blast of limbs and concrete exploded from a second carpet of mines a couple feet in front of the first round, too! “I’LL BE GENTLE, BOYO!†A drunken laugh sounded out as Demo drove around the corner, tires shrieking as he pulled a very tight corner and sped at us. He managed to stop just before he hit the three of us, thankfully. “Ye lot alreight?†“THANK GOODNESS YOU SAVED US, DEMO!†I cried out, drying my face on the shoulder of Scout’s shirt. He noticed and pushed me down to the ground, crossing his arms and sulking. “OW!†“Don’t touch me,†he growled, turning around and pouting. “Hudda huh hmph,†Pyro said to Demo, opening the passenger side's door and dragging out the tank of propane that had been in the seat. “Huh.†“Ye welcome, lass…. or lad? I’ll call yeh Lasslad.†Pyro gave thumbs up and reattached the propane tank to its back. A short line of fire spurted from the gun, Pyro patted the tank fondly and waited for the four of us to decide what to do now. I stood there, amazed at the odd turn of events. Pyro explain with a brief, muffled mumble. “OH, SO YOU TWO MET A WHILE BEFORE WE GOT SLAMMED BY THE HORDE?†I asked, blinking once or twice while I also reloaded and wiped the splattered blood from my rocket launcher. I cleaned off any remaining chunks of zombie with my sleeve. “GOOD THING YOU CAME WITH MORE PROPANE AND ROCKETS. WE WOULD’VE BEEN ZOMBIE CHOW BY NOW!†“Aye,†he agreed with a solemn nod. “I came leukin’ fer yah, but came across Pyro instead. Lucky she… he knew where yeh were headin’.†“Mmph!†“OH, YOU HEARD ME ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SCHOOL?†I asked, wondering how the hell Pyro heard me from all the way over there! “Of course Pyro could hear ya,†Scout grumbled, turning his head in our direction to speak to us. We all looked over, a bit surprised that he would join in our conversation. “Everytime ya’ talk people across the damn school can hear ya’!†“Mmf!†“THAT IS NOT TRUE, PYRO! OKAY, MAYBE IT IS A LITTLE BIT. I CAN’T HELP THAT I AM LOUD. GENETICS!†“It’s alreight, Solly,†Demo said consolingly, ushering all of us into his car. "Let's go!" I walked over and went to hop in the back with Scout, peering at the floor before I flopped onto the seat with the most care I had ever demonstrated in my life. There were boxes of funny shaped mines, so I became a little nervous. Just one setting off and… KA-BLOOIE! Demo, however, seemed to care not as he practically threw himself in the car and guzzled down a large gulp of scrumpy. I wondered where the hell he bought the stuff, as he seemed to have an infinite supply of it. “Le’s get goin’, shall we?†He said with a grin, turning to Pyro, who sat shotgun. It looked a little nervous, sitting there with the flame thrower and a propane tank in a car full of explosives. I could feel beads of sweat form on my forehead. I think all of us were nervous, actually. Demo sped off suddenly, making sure to hit any zombie that ran at us upon hearing the squealing tires and loud, Scottish rap music. “Le’s find a CEDA evac. point, eh?†Demo said over the loud, bloodcurling screams of the zombies. “No! We gotta’ go to my house,†Scout piped in nervously, leaning over the seat to talk in Demo’s ear. “My family’s over there! I wanna’ stay with em. Ya’ can drop me off, right?†“I dunno, it’s outa’ the way a bit,†Demo said thoughtfully, turning a sharp corner and running right over some zombie that was crouched over and snarling as it used… what seemed to be CLAWS to rip up some dead person. “NICE ANE!†Pyro and Demo high-fived suddenly. “THAT’S RUDE, PYRO! DON’T TELL DEMO TO SHUT UP WHEN HE SAVED YOU! HE'S SCOTTISH, NOT IRISH!†Pyro just sat there, confused, but then decided ultimately to ignore me. I never knew it could be so rude! Tsk tsk. I’d have to talk to it later on when we reached Scout’s house. Oh yes, Scout’s house... I would get to meet his family! And then I could have one of THEM turn me instead, so Scout and I could be together forever and ever. Cat girls stuck in a zombie apocalypse... we could repopulate the world again, with little catgirl babies. I smirked and twiddled my thumbs maniacally. “Alreight, we’ll go over thaur. TE SCOUT'S HOUSE, AWAY!†Demo finally said with a wicked smile. As he turned another corner and sped down the straight road, he looked out the window suddenly, but then did a double-take and stopped! The three of us followed his single line of vision. There, hunched over in the archway of a shop was a crying girl. I nearly ran out to ask if she was alright, but I noticed… her hair was snow white and grungy. Her skin was stretched over bone and marred heavily with dirt, blood, and infection. As she wept, I could catch a glimpse of glowing red eyes. We sat there, dumbstruck. “WHAT IS THAT?†Suddenly she looked up my way and snarled slightly, but they lessened to sobs once more. Scout punched me in the face before answering. “I dunno, but let’s not get her attention, tardella! We had enough hordes for today!†“Aye, a bean-nighe!†Demo whispered suddenly, struck with fear. His voice was low, barely a whisper. Despite the amount of alcohol he had consumed recently, he was suddenly sobered up now. “WHAT IS THAT, DEMO?!†The witch once again snarled and looked my way, but then lowered her head to cry when it was quiet again. I was very surprised I didn't attract a horde, but I wasn't complaining. Demo answered me eventually, staring over at the woman, his entire body trembling slightly. "An evil witch. Le's get outta' here!" "OH DEAR, WE SHOULD GET GOING THEN!" I shrieked, anxious to just go to Scout's house already. Not that I didn't like the rest of my comrades, but I really wanted to just become a catgirl already and make out with Scout. That seemed to be the final straw for the 'bean-nighe', though, as she finally let out an animalistic growl and stood up. Her long, bloodied claws were pointed at us as she ran. She was a lot quicker than she looked, her toothpick legs moving with unhuman speed. We all yelled in unison as Demo stomped on the gas pedal, the car groaned in protest but the wheels caught on and we were out of there. The witch still kept up with our speed, red eyes glowing. She wasn't happy about being bothered, and was out for blood now. "HURRY, HURRY!" Scout yelled, screaming and shooting at her from the window. I felt absolutely frozen as her red eyes narrowed in on me, nothing else stole her focus. I felt paralyzed with fear, unable to look away. "AY'M GOIN'," Demo yelled, trying to get the old clunker to move faster. Pyro was praying in the frontseat, gloved hands clasped tightly together in prayer. "It ain't dyin'," Scout growled, reloading his gun and pumping the two shots right into her torso. She seemed undeterred, slowing for only a mere milisecond or two before regaining her speed, the pain (if she felt any) seemed to make her move faster. "Tardella, shoot her, too, ya' dumbass!" I shook myself quickly and grabbed my rocket launcher, reloading it with shaking hands. That took a couple seconds, which prompted Scout to slap me across the face while he reloaded his gun. That made me drop the rocket again. Once everything was in place, I leaned out the window and aimed. Upon seeing my face with no glass in between us, she moved to my side of the car, determined to kill me. I aimed the rocket launcher at her torso, my line of aim shaking as I pulled the trigger and let a rocket loose. It hit her stomach and make her shriek even louder than before, pushing her backwards. That managed to trip her up, and she went rolling onto the ground, blood everywhere. "Nice shot, fag," Scout mumbled, watching in fascination as we left her behind in a crumpled, bloodied ball. If she wasn't dead, she was at least too injured and dazed to continue after us. "That was a close one!" I sighed and turned around, sitting back in my seat and wiping the sweat from my brow. I knew with all this shit going on, I was probably going to lose ten pounds from the stress. --- After the witch incident, we were a bit more cautious as we drove through Boston. Demo didn’t stop at any point now, no matter what sort of weird stuff he saw by the side of the road. Occasionally he’d throw a sticky bomb or two out of the window to slow down extra persistent zombies. I sighed and stared out of the window. It seemed like in the course of two hours the entire city was destroyed. Shop windows were broken, small fires were scattered about. Pyro seemed rather enchanted, but the rest of us were on edge after passing a burning… hulk-like creature that lay crumpled on the sidewalk. Demo sped down street after street, not wasting any time. Eventually we arrived at the bridge that led out of Boston. See, as much of a Red Sox fan as Scout was, he lived in a forest outside of Boston. I figured that it made a lot of sense, as he was a cat girl, and his family probably would have a hard time concealing their identity while living in the city. Also- there were tons of little birds and mice to chase after out there. "The bridge is up," Demo pointed out as he stopped in front of it, leaning forward in his seat and looking up through the windshield. "Wot do we do?†"What the fuck?! WHO PUTS THE BRIDGE UP DURING A ZOMBIE INVASION? We have to... we have to get it down somehow," said Scout while he stepped out of the car. He looked very worried. Demo laid a carpet of sticky bombs around our position in case a horde spotted us. We followed after and walked around the car a little, stretching and nervously pacing as if it’d help. Pyro ran about and set fire to any zombies who ran at us, lighting a ring of fire outside of the stickies, effectively locking us in with just the closed bridge. "Hudda-" "Shut the fuck up, mumbles. WE DON'T NEED YA' STUPID OPTIMISM!" Scout kicked some rubble at Pyro, who shouted muffled obscenities at him. The two looked ready to fight. Scout pulled his baseball bat out of hammer space, raising it to strike Pyro, who pointed the flamethrower in his face. “Hey! Over here! Look over here!†We all looked around at each other, confused for a moment before looking over to where we heard someone calling to us. Across the raised bridge and sitting in a rather far-up rafter were Francis, Louis, and Zoey. The trio looked loaded, shotguns in hand, pistols tied to their thighs and beer bottles on their hips. Peering in closer, I noticed that they were moltovs. I pointed this out to Pyro, who squealed and jumped around, exclaiming that it wanted one. “OH MY GOD! IT’S YOU,†I shrieked over to them excitedly and waved their way. I could see them squinting a little as they did a double take, just as surprised to see us. “HOW DID YOU GET ALL THAT STUFF?†“Great, of all the survivors…†Zoey said, throwing her arms into the air in exasperation. “Mmmf! Mf Bill mmmrf?†At Pyro’s question, the trio stood silently, glancing at each other awkwardly. It was… obvious what the question would be. Was Bill really… dead? I felt tears form in my eyes. He was my best friend, my other half (other than Scout, so I guess that’d make him my other third, really), my mentor! “We’re very sorry,†Demo shouted, daring to break the tension between the lot of us. “Boot- we need te get across! Is thaur any wey ye kin lower the bridge?†“I ain’t lettin’ that retard across,†Francis pointed down at me. “He should be the one who’s dead! I hate Solly!†I gasped. I knew Francis was jealous of me, but really? He would be willing to leave us hanging just because I was prettier in every single way than he was? I mean, he might’ve had the awesome biker look, but he knew that if I wanted to do that I could totally beat him. The four of us looked up in disgust. Zoey slapped the back of Francis’ head before leaning over the railing to speak to us, as if that made her any easier to hear. “If we could let you across, we would, but we’d need some gas to get this thing working. If you can go around and collect about…. Sixteen tanks of gasoline one by one to fill up the machine that works the bridge, we could get you across!†“SIX-FUCKIN’-TEEN?!†Scout said, screaming louder than I ever could. Everyone went quiet, looking over in horror. Oh god, he was about to go into a catgirl rage! “YOU NEED THAT FUCKING MUCH?! HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU DUMBASSES KNOW?! LIKE HELL WE’RE RUNNING AROUND AND FINDING SIXTEEN FUCKING GAS TANKS SO WE CAN BRING THIS PIECE OF SHIT OVER! FUCK, WE CAN’T EVEN GET ACROSS THIS STUPID ASS FIRE AT THE MOMENT!†No one knew how to reply. Any answer that we could possibly give him would probably just get him angrier and angrier. As he went along with his rant, we could hear a couple shrieks from zombies that ran through the fire and quickly fell as their flesh burned. A horde shrieked in the background, and that ominous music played again. Oh great. Demo looked awfully pensive, tapping thoughtfully on his soul patch before waving one finger in the air. Pyro and him seemed fairly unconcerned with the horde as the zombies dove headfirst through the fire only to die a couple seconds after. We looked over, wondering what idea had suddenly popped into his head. “I know hau te get oota haur,†he said, grinning and running around the circle of sticky bombs. He picked them up one by one until his arms were full. The music stopped and, turning in a circle to inspect the damage, I noticed piles of dead, burning zombies. Why didn’t we do this in the previous horde?! Then I remembered how much sense that would make. “Huh…†Pyro looked on nervously. Everyone seemed fascinated with knowing what idea Demo had in store. “What the fuck are ya’ doin’?†Scout asked, sucking on his cheek, arms crossed as he tapped his foot on the street. He looked ready to go over and bonk Demo just now, but the fact that he was carrying about eighteen sticky bombs in his arms was a good reason to contain his anger. “Just ye’ watch, boyo.†Upon collecting the sticky bombs, he took a couple steps back and looked from the car to the bridge before running over again and placing a couple sticky bombs both underneath and behind the car. “Oh, you’re not really gonna’…†“Oh yes, Ay’m.†“There ain’t no way in HELL I am gonna be in that car when you detonate those!†“Good, then ay’ll need less bombs!†“Fuck y’all, I’m outta here!†Scout ran down the street, and I began to go after him, not wanting to leave his side! I wanted to go meet his family and become a catgirl! He stopped and turned around suddenly. I knew he would wait for me! I threw my arms out to hug him as I ran as quickly as I could. Before I could blink (then again, I didn’t blink), he took a can of atomic bonk from hammer space, popped open the tab, and gulped the entire thing down before running. His entire body was nothing more than a blur, heading towards the bridge at speeds I couldn’t even imagine in my dreams. His quick, little feet carried him up the raised bridge, and once he reached the top (we were all just watching, unable to move at how beautifully graceful and handsome he looked even as a blur) he jumped up once, covering half of the span of the open space between the raised bridges. I knew he wouldn’t make it, and breaking the silence I reached out and screamed. “SCOUT, NO!†But just as things were looking dim, he kicked his blurry, twiggy, marble legs and managed to jump again, propelling to the other side of the bridge where he ran down. “Wot…. Wot jus’ happened thaur?†Demo asked, pointing over and blinking. “SCOUT, WAIT FOR ME!†“Uh, no!†I cried as he began to run down the street, not quite as fast as he normally was. I ran over and crouched just where the bridge raised up. Aiming my rocket launcher at my feet, I wiped a bit of sweat from my brow. Pulling the trigger, I was launched over the bridge where I landed at the top of the other half. I tumbled down the slope, nothing more than a crumpled ball of limbs. “Ooof, ahk... OW THIS HURTS!†It took me a second or two to shake off the confusion upon landing on flat ground and pull myself up, running after where Scout took off. It seemed that the drink that he used to make himself freakin’ untouchable had now worn him out, and he was hardly faster than I! “Get the fuck outta here, tardella!†“NO, I AM FOLLOWING YOU, SCOUTY-POO!†As we ran down the street, I managed to catch up finally as he was tiring out. Behind us, an explosion sounded, and whipping back to see what had happened, I noticed Demo’s car flying through the air and over the bridge. It landed right on the other side. The jump was perfect, despite Scout’s doubts. “SOLLY, SCOUT, WAIT FER US!†Demo shouted out the window and sped after us. “YES, DEMO,†I said and stood up straight, waiting for him to drive over. Scout, who was now weaving wearily back and forth down the yellow line collapsed. I gasped and turned around, running to him. “SCOUT!†I picked him up and shook him suddenly; his head drooped lazily on his shoulder, unconscious. I began to cry and attempted to check his pulse. There was none. “DON’T DIE ON ME!†I screamed and pressed a kiss to his lips. Suddenly a beam of sunlight parted the clouds, the light beating down where I sat with Scout in my lap. Tears streamed down my eyes, and I lifted Scout into my arms and threw his limp body up to the sky, cursing God. “HE’S DEEEEEAD, WRYYYYYYYYYYYY?!†The light passed over us, and immediately upon hitting Scout’s exposed skin, it glittered like a million diamonds. I glanced up, my jaw dropping. If I thought that Scout was gorgeous and utterly flawless before, I hadn’t SEEN him like this. My eyes grew wide and I could only stare at the back of his glittery neck and limp arms. I heard the tires of Demo’s car squeal as he made a very quick stop behind me. I knew they were probably staring in wonder, jealous that I was with him and not them! “Wot.†“…. Hudda huh hmmf mmgay.†Scout began to stir, gripping onto my arms when he finally gained consciousness and began to sway about precariously, still raised above my head. Peering from side to side in horror, he noticed his own hands and screamed, falling onto the hard pavement face first. “SCOUT! OH GOD, I’M SO SORRY, MY LOVE!†Picking himself up, I noticed the indent his face made in the concrete. I always knew that he was rather hard headed, but this was just ridiculous! “YO’, WHAT DA’ FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!†He freaked out, poking at his arms. “Oh god… please don’t tell me this isn’t what I think it is…†Everyone looked on curiously, wondering what he was talking to himself about. He looked from my face to Demo’s and to Pyro’s, rather embarrassed. After turning around, he began to explain to us. Despite the impending horde (it had been a while and all of the explosions and screaming meant it would happen very soon) we awaited his explanation silently. Peering over to the rafter where Zoey, Louis, and Francis stood I noticed that they were freaking out and watching through binoculars. “This is a real frickin’ embarrassment…†“Yea, we know, get on with tha’ story, lad!†“Ok, ok… well uh, it all started with Atomic Bonk,†he began, no longer glittering once clouds covered the sun. Scout felt a bit more comfortable explaining the situation to us when he wasn’t a glittery fag. “Keep in mind- this was like, a hundred frickin’ years ago! Well, this new soda came out and so I tried it. It was really good, so I bulk bought it from a retail store. So I had like…. A bazillion frickin’ bottles of it! I used to drink like, ten cans a day. Yeah, TEN CANS A DAY, MAN. Then, uh, when I went to the doctor’s he said I was legally dead.†Everyone just stared blankly at him, myself included. So… being a catgirl meant you were considered legally dead? This just didn’t add up, and all of the sudden I remembered the other thing that I google-searched BEFORE I got distracted by the catgirl thing… vampires. “OH… MY… GOD!†“Yeah, ya’ just figured it out ya’ knucklehead? Go ahead… say it! Out loud!†“…. VAMPIRE!†“Are ya’ afraid, tardella?†The sun peeked out again and hit the side of his face, which glittered. “NO, SCOUTY-POO! I STILL LOVE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING! ALSO, BEING GLITTERY LIKE THAT ISN’T REALLY ALL THAT SCARY SO IF YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE A POINT SOMEHOW IT WAS RUINED COMPLETELY. CAN I HAVE ATOMIC BONK SO I CAN BE A NUCLEAR VAMPIRE, TOO?†Now it was Scout’s turn to stare blankly at me, before punching my across the jaw, “No!†“Hudda huh,†Pyro mumbled, glaring (as far as we could tell) at Scout and pointing its flamethrower right in his face. “Mmmf.†“Woah! Easy there, mumbles,†Scout said, throwing his arms up as if that’d protect him from the potential flames. “I ain’t gonna bite any of you. I don’t need blood to live! I just need atomic bonk!†“So, wot’s with the sparklin’?†“Uh, well… that’s sort of new. I’ve never done that before! I guess it’s probably a side effect,†he said, taking out an empty can from hammer space and reading over the side effects. It was slightly worrying that he hadn’t done this before actually consuming it. “So… vampirism… pregnancy… lethargy… death… radiation poisoning… buckteeth…. oh, there we go! Sparkling.†“… why would ye ever drink the stuff, lad?! A bottle o’ scrumpy is all ye need!†“Uh, no! I didn’t know how to read back then, ok? But since having to go to high school for the past one hundred years, I learned it eventually.†“Hmmf.†“Hey! I can too read! Maybe not that well, but-“ “Ok, I theenk it’s time te get movin’ again,†Demo said with a sigh as he dragged everyone back to the car. “Ay’m surprised a horde hasn’t attacked.†So we all piled into the car, quiet for the rest of the ride until we reached Scout's house. There really wasn’t much to say, after all… we just found out that Scout was a nuclear vampire that glittered now when he went into the sun. There really wasn’t much to say, honestly. Driving through the country was nice, and there seemed to be fewer zombies around. Occasionally we shot down a couple zombies that dared to go out of the city limits this far. “Hey! Up there! There’s my house,†Scout pointed out, bouncing in his seat. It looked like a shoddy barn… well, that wasn’t what I was expecting. “Ye live in a barn?†Demo asked, raising an eyebrow and peering over at Scout. “Ye lot are immortals! Ye din’t have money fer a decent hoose?†“Shut the fuck up ya’ frickin’ Cyclops, I love this place!†“If ye say so.†Scout jumped out of the car and ran over to the building. I hopped out, waving to Demo as he backed up and sped away with Pyro. With us gone, they turned the music back on and I could hear them drift around the bend. After a moment or two, I couldn’t hear anything. Turning back to the house I walked up and invited myself in. This was it. I could become a vampire, finally!
Dear Anon. Thank you very much for fullfilling my request. You rule. And i really wish i had a reaction image which would show my feelings to you right now. But i´m afraid such a thing DOES´NT exist.
Sweet baby Jesus on a stick. This thread...cest incredible.
Reposting "TF2: The Sitcom" because it is beautiful and more people need to see it. Anybody know if this was ever continued? There are two seasons, ten episodes in the first and seven in the second. ~~~~~~~~~ Discuss: TF2 Sitcom. Setting: Quiet suburban neighborhood. Scout is the rambunctious youth that always trying to get his dad's (Soldier's) attention. Soldier is too busy trying to get Scout's mom to leave the Frenchfag she's with (Spy), and therefore has little to no time to play ball with his only offspring. Heavy is Scout's uncle and gladly takes the place of Soldier when needed. He happens to be in love with Medic, Scout's pediatrician. Medic, when he's not fucking around with Uncle Heavy, does regular prostate exams on Scout. No one talks about this. Sniper is Scout's next door neighbor who's always grumbling and telling Scout to shut the fuck up and stop talking so loud all the damn time. He's very sad and lonely, probably, and he constantly mentions the name of a woman he was probably married to. (Or maybe it was just that his pet cat died.) He’s also the school’s janitor., and that one guy everyone knows who goes hunting a lot and probably has an extreme amount of animal heads on their walls. Engi e is Scout’s shop class teacher, and they have a very close relationship because he’s a cool dude. He’s got the hots for Sniper, but doesn’t really talk to people from the janitorial area. Every few episodes are about Engie and his suppressed sexuality for someone who picks up garbage for a living. Pyro is Scout’s best friend at school, and even though it’s really hard to understand him his dad has some really cool fireworks and stuff! And, uh, Demo is Scout’s family’s maid I guess. He tells Scout lots of good information in the form of a funny story. Scout's an idiot so he doesn't get the life lessons to be learned from it at all. ---- EPISODE ONE The first episode opens with Scout hitting his baseball against the side of his house out in the backyard, with Soldier visible talking animatedly on the phone (presumably to Scout's mother). He slams down the phone after a bit and fucking kicks the back door open and says to Scout "YOU MAGET, I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOUR LOVELY MOTHER ON THE PHONE. SHUT THE FUCK UUUUP." And then he goes back inside and dials a sex hotline instead. Scout places his baseball on the ground where he knows Soldier will fall over it later and goes to visit his friend Pyro. On the way there he finds creepy neighbor Sniper watering his plants which are already dead. Scout says hi and waves, to which Sniper grumbles and waves in a slightly retarded manner. The camera cuts to the inside of Sniper's house with an ominous shot of his fridge. WHAT COULD BE IN THERE? Scout gets to his friend Pyro's house and knocks on the door, where a man in a hazmat suit (pyro's father), answers. He says "hudda" and calls Pyro down from upstairs. Scout and Pyro go to the local park and sit around talking about the finer things in life, but neither of them have any idea what that's supposed to mean so they just end up talking about boobs and ass. They see their teacher Engie shopping at the local supermarket and decide to egg his car. He threatens to fail them for the term, and upon arriving at home after yelling at his favorite teacher, Scout discovers that his mother and her new boyfriend Spy are coming over for dinner. Soldier drinks heavily and decides to hire a maid to make Scout's mother jealous. Little does he know the only maid available from the local agency is a certain black Scottish cyclops... ---- EPISODE TWO The second episode open with Soldier, Scout, and Demoman standing in their living room. Demoman is wearing a modest outfit complete with a frilly apron, something he confesses is "a company standard". Scout tries not to laugh and ends up snorting, to which Soldier replies by stepping on his foot sharply. Basically, Demoman has no choice but to wear the apron. Not only is he the only male, he's the only black person for miles. Scout, after laughing into the palm of his hand as Demo and Soldier talk about cleaning negotiations, runs out of the house and trips over the baseball he placed in the previous episode. He conks his head on the floor and curses loudly, prompting Sniper to yell back. "WAVE GOODBYE TO YER HEAD, WANKAH." Soldier requests that Demoman dress like a woman for just this one night, so that Scout's mom will become jealous of the charming cleaning lady. Demo is hesitant at first, and although he is fairly experienced with wearing a maid's uniform he's unsure of the moral boundaries he'd be crossing. "You like black women, boyo?" Soldier scratches the back of his head. "Now I do." Scout wakes up in his backyard, not shocked at all that his father had neglected to give him the proper medical treatment for a conked head. He decides to take a trip to the doctor's office to make sure he hasn't suffered another concussion, and on the way spies his uncle Heavy driving towards the house. Heavy pulls over. "Where is baby nephew going at this time of day?" "Oh, I hit my fuckin' head and dad doesn't give a shit. He's busy with that black maid of ours." "Black maid?! In this teeny town?!" Heavy speeds off, presumably to look at the first black person he's ever seen in his life. Scout curses his whole existence and begins the 5 mile trek to the doctor's office. Meanwhile, Soldier was busy explaining to Demo exactly what he wanted to happen during dinner. Demo would dress as a woman and act as such, attempting to make Scout's mother extremely jealous. Seducing that scumbag Frenchie, Spy, wasn't out of the question, and Soldier was prepared to pay extra if that actually did happen. Demo takes a swig from his flask and prepares himself for a long night. Heavy busts into the kitchen and grabs Soldier in a bear hug. "Brother! I heard you had black woman!" He spies Demo and gets quiet. "Oh. He just black." Soldier nods and Demo takes another swig. Cut scene to Scout in Medic's office, sitting on the examination table. Scout is listing his problems in life, and despite the fact that Medic doesn't have a degree in psychology he seems to know exactly what's wrong with Scout: he needs a prostate exam. Scout sighs, takes off his pants, and bends over. The camera pans to a picture of Heavy on Medic's desk, complete with a kiss mark on it. This is the first we see of Heavy's infatuations. Cut to a few hours later, as Scout reaches his home. He opens the door and sees Demo dressed in a maid's outfit. Heavy is there, presumably for moral support, and Soldier is squeezing a stress ball. A car pulls into the driveway. Spy and Scout's mother exit and begin walking to the house. ---- EPISODE THREE Episode three opens at Soldier’s dinner table. Heavy is at the bathroom, and Demo is happily serving everyone their respective dinners. Scout and his mother are already engaged in friendly conversation, and he is telling her about the happenings of the past few days. He doesn’t mention the times Soldier has failed to pay attention to him, and as a result is forced to talk about only the time he’s spent with Pyro. He tells her about their hijinks with his collection of flame-retardant suits, zippo lighters, and Sniper’s bushes. Scout’s mother tells him not to bother that poor man, but she’s obviously tickled by their escapades. Meanwhile, Heavy has come back and has asked Spy about the finer points of French cuisine. He listens with rapt attention as Soldier pretends to gag loudly every time Spy answers. Cut to a shot of Sniper’s living room, where he’s seen looking out the window into Soldier’s kitchen. He’s got his aviators on even though it’s dark out, and he looks very angry. The phone rings, and he has no choice but to stop being a voyeur. Engie is on the phone, and asks Sniper if he wants to go out to get some drinks since it’s a Friday. Sniper declines immediately, saying that it’s Anne’s birthday and hangs up without waiting for an answer. He sighs and rubs his temples as the camera pans to his fireplace, where the bottom of a picture frame is visible. It’s unclear as to what the picture is of. Fade to a shot of the Pyro family at the dinner table. Pyro’s mother and father are both in their hazmat suits, and they are all speaking to each other animatedly. Nothing they say is understandable. Fade back to Soldier’s house, Demo is asking if anyone wants some coffee. Spy just stares. Demo repeats his question in the same fake falsetto he’s been using throughout the episode. Spy made an offhand comment to Scout’s mother about how any woman who isn’t her is horrid. Scout’s mother laughs, but silently apologizes to Demo when Spy’s back is turned. It’s clear that he’s a total prick. Spy decides it’s time for them to leave and goes to start the car. He says goodbye to Soldier grudgingly, squeezing his hand in an unfriendly manner. Soldier does the same, grinding his teeth as he says thank you for coming. Heavy then gives Spy a big bear hug, seeming to be blissfully unaware of the rivalry going on between him and Soldier. Spy then says goodbye to Scout and pats him on the head, who responds by wrinkling his nose at him. Spy exits. Scout hugs his mother for a long time before helping Heavy clear the table, since Demo seems to have disappeared. Soldier meets up with Scout’s mother at the door and pats her on the Soldier, exchanging tender words with her. She shakes her head and brushes his hand away gently, offering him a small but sad hug. She gets into the car and drives away with Spy. Soldier leans against the doorframe and watches them, and Scout pats him on the shoulder comfortingly. Soldier hugs Scout and begins to cry loudly. Cut to a shot of the bathroom, where Heavy has just discovered Demo passed out on the toilet. ---- EPISODE FOUR Episode four is geared toward Engie and Sniper. Scout is being reprimanded in gym class for rough behavior. He says that he was just trying to do some good for the team, but the gym teacher is forced to remind him that punching someone so hard that they puke is not beneficial to the team. Pyro giggles in the background and quickly quiets down when the gym teacher shoots him a look before going off to call the janitor. Sniper receives the call on his radio outside of Engie’s shop class. Engie looks out into the hallway when he hears the muffled radio and the sound of Sniper walking towards the gym. Sniper grumbles as he picks up a piece of paper someone had thrown in the hallway, saying to himself that he hopes Scout didn’t use his “puke-punch†maneuver again. Engie walks to the door of his room and waves to Sniper. Sniper sort of waves and adjusts his aviators. Engie asks Sniper how it’s going. Sniper replies that it’s shitty. Engie isn’t quite sure what to say after this, and retreats into his room after becoming thoroughly embarrassed. He looks at the heart he welded for Sniper earlier in the day. It’s made of spare care mufflers and a couple ashtrays. He puts it away in his desk and rubs his forehead. Fade to Sniper in the gym, mopping up the puke. Scout has been sentenced to help him, but isn’t doing much. He stands there with his arms crossed and whistles. Sniper doesn’t seem to care. Scout sneaks away and a punching noise is heard, following by the sound of another kid retching onto the floor. After Scout is sent home for being an asshole, Sniper sneaks back into his janitorial closet. Since Engie has a free period he goes to visit. The closet is cramped but Engie walks in anyway and talks to Sniper about the weather. Sniper stares at Engie and says nothing. Engie finally asks how Anne is and Sniper gets a faraway look in his eyes. Engie waits for a minute and feels very bad about asking. He then discovers that Sniper has fallen asleep with his eyes open. Cue a scene of Engie pulling into his driveway and getting out of the car, only to be egged lovingly by Scout and Pyro. Engie chases them off and watches them run away laughing, where they high five. They then try to low five, but Scout misses and hits Pyro in the stomach so hard he throws up into his mask. EPISODE FIVE Scout’s mother and Spy are sitting in their fancily decorated living room. Scout’s mom is reading the paper while Spy is playing piano. Scout’s mom makes a comment about wanting to see her son more often, which causes Spy to mess up and slam his fingers on the keyboard evil-overlord-playing-the-organ style. He turns around very slowly, furiously taking drags from his cigarette. Scout’s mom doesn’t seem to notice or care. Meanwhile Scout and Pyro are in shop class working on their next big project. Engie is helping some of the kids who are having a difficult time, and there is also a shot of Sniper outside cutting the grass. Scout and Pyro start to giggle obnoxiously and glance back at Engie every so often as though doing something awful, so he goes over to their table to see what they were doing. Engie isn’t really surprised to find that they had welded a metal dick and vagina instead of an ashtray like they were supposed to. He sends them to the principal, but secretly puts the two sculptures into his desk drawer for unknown reasons. Back at Spy’s house he has somehow managed to seduce Scout’s mom once more. There is a shot of them having heated (but PG enough for daytime TV) sex in their Mediterranean style bedroom. Scout and Pyro are in the principal’s (Announcer’s) office. They both sit and look at the floor, twiddling their thumbs. The principal enters from stage left and sits at her desk with her hands folded, smoking a cigar. The camera slowly backs out of the room as the principal begins to speak to them about what they’ve done. Cut to another shot of Spy and Scout’s mom having sex. Cut to a shot of Scout and Pyro exiting the principal’s office, and then to one of them walking home from school. They say nothing and keep their heads low. Cut to a shot of Spy and Scout’s mom (still) having sex, this time in the kitchen. Finally, a shot of Scout returning home and sitting at the kitchen table, laying his head on it. Soldier asks him how his day was and he does not respond. Soldier then balances an apple on Scout’s head so he can have it as a snack later. He then says he’s going to the store to get some booze. He drives to the local strip club instead. One final shot of Scout’s mom and Spy, who are now sharing a nice candlelit dinner. Spy looks smug. Fade to Engie, sitting in his favorite chair and watching TV. He looks out the window suspiciously, and then reaches into his left pocket and takes out the metal vagina Scout created. He takes the metal dick out of the other pocket. He giggles a little bit and sees if they fit together. They do.
EPISODE SIX Scout and Pyro have snuck out of their homes and are sitting on the swingsets at the elementary school. It is presumed to be late at night. Scout asks Pyro what he left for. Pyro sighs and looks up at the stars as there is a flashback sequence. Pyro’s dad is cooking on the grill for dinner, while Pyro’s mother is tidying up the house. Pyro is working on building a flamethrower out of matches so he can light it with a real flamethrower later. Things are going well until Pyro’s mother enters the kitchen wearing a rather fancy woman’s dress instead of her normal hazmat suit. She still has her helmet on, however. Pyro gives her thumbs up and says that it asserts her femininity better than that suit usually does. She agrees, and goes to show Pyro’s father. Muffled yells are heard as Pyro’s father berates Pyro’s mother for wearing something like that. He says that it’s too frail and he doesn’t enjoy it one bit. He then goes on to say that the Pyro family isn’t about looking good it’s about being one with the flame. Pyro isn’t sure what his father means by that but he doesn’t appreciate the yelling. He goes outside to tell his father to stop it, but his father says that Pyro was never very good at starting fires anyway. Pyro shakes his fist angrily and storms out of the house. Fade to Scout and Pyro in the present time. Scout nods understandingly and takes Pyro’s side on the matter, adding that he thinks he’s very good at starting fires, especially the ones in Sniper’s yard. Pyro laughs beneath his mask and then (presumably) asks Scout what happened in HIS house. Scout burps and retells the story. Another flashback reveals Scout finding the apple on his head after he had nodded off for a bit. He takes a bite and then throws it at the wall, angry that it’s red and not green. He calls for Soldier to tell him that he’s retarded, only to find that there’s nothing there except a note. The camera zooms in on the note. “Dear son, I went to buy some booze. Love, dad.†Scout crumples the note and tosses it onto the floor. Demo comes in and picks it up, putting it into the trash and crossing his arms. He scolds Scout for littering in his own home, and provides a humorous anecdote about the times when he would litter when he was young and how it did him no good. Scout doesn’t seem to understand and sits there with a blank look on his face. Demo retreats to the basement to shoot pool. Scout takes the time to reflect on Soldier’s parenting skills. He feels sad that he doesn’t seem to care that he has a son at all, and wishes that Heavy were his dad instead of his uncle. Scout then feels awkward for wishing that since Heavy is kind of a weird dude. He then gets angry and smashes Soldier’s favorite vase against the wall, opens the door to the basement and yells at Demo that he’s going out to smack some bitches, and leaves. A brief shot of Demo shows him playing pool with small shot glasses on wheels. EPISODE SEVEN Sniper is sitting in his armchair and watching TV early in the morning. He takes a sip of coffee even though he has a cigarette in his mouth. The weather comes on and as the reporter announces that it’ll be “really fucking hotâ€, Sniper sighs. He looks over to the mantelpiece and to the picture sitting there. Sniper comments that hot weather reminds him of whatever’s in the photo. The picture is obscured. He gets up, dumps his coffee down the sink, and opens the fridge to get a beer instead. There is a brief shot of something large, vaguely human-shaped and frozen. Cue ominous music. Scout is sitting on the porch in his backyard with his baseball bat over his shoulder. He’s very bored since Pyro and his family are at church. He says to himself that he thinks church is stupid and he doesn’t get it anyway. Soldier can be seen looking through the sliding glass door at Scout. He says nothing. Suddenly, Scout sees something that gets his attention and jumps up, startling Soldier. Soldier then goes to pester Demo about going to play ball with Scout or something, since he has to take care of the tax returns. Cut to a shot of Scout crouching down in the grass, wrinkling his nose and retching. “Oh. My. Gawd. What the FUCK is that?†The camera swivels around to reveal a baby Tentaspy in the grass, presumably abandoned by some poor shmuck who didn’t want it anymore. The Tentaspy blinks at Scout with it’s enormous eyes and giggles. Scout covers his mouth to stop himself from barfing on it, then pokes it with his bat. The baby Tentaspy wraps its tentacles around the bat and take it from Scout before hitting him over the head with it. Scout curses loudly and grabs his head, jumping up and running inside. Except he hits the glass door. Meanwhile, Sniper has taken to looking out of his window again in Scout’s backyard to see what all the ruckus is about. He sees the Tentaspy and smiles a little, feeling a pang of sympathy for the little thing. He then reminds himself that it’s probably all slimy and prone to sticking its appendages in places they don’t belong. Sniper shrugs and goes back to watching TV. Scout is now staring out the window at the baby Tentaspy as well, eyes wide and his hands against the glass. Tentacles are visible waving about in the grass. Scout jogs in place nervously as he tries to think about what to do. He considers calling Soldier, but doesn’t really want to see Tentaspy guts all over the place. He phones Pyro to see if they’ve returned from church. They haven’t. Scout calls his uncle Heavy and begins to loudly retell the events of the past half hour or so. Heavy can be heard over the phone yelling excitedly at the news. He says he’ll come over immediately. Demo, as well, has entered the kitchen and has been listening to Scout on the phone. Demo advises Scout to keep the Tentaspy away from Soldier, since he doesn’t allow pets in the home. Scout agrees. Fade to Sniper’s living room, where he seems to be playing solitaire. The phone rings. It’s Engie again, asking if Sniper wants to go bowling with him. Sniper declines and sets the phone down gently. He looks at the picture above the fireplace again, and this time half of it is visible. Just Sniper is visible, and it looks like he’s standing there with someone else. He’s waving to the camera. Heavy has arrived at the Scout household and is wanting to know where the baby Tentaspy is. Scout tells him to quiet the fuck down before he scares it, and Heavy clamps his hand over his mouth just to make sure. Scout, Heavy, and Demo all walk outside cautiously. There is a brief shot of the tentacles waving in the grass again. They inch toward it slowly. When they finally reach it they all crouch down. The baby Tentaspy has fallen asleep and is snoring. Heavy is enchanted by it and asks if they can keep it. Demo seems to like it, as well, and Scout comments that maybe it’s just a little cute. Heavy picks it up and cradles it like a human baby. Scout says that it’s sort of sick for him to do that, since it’s obviously not human. Demo tells Scout to stop being such a douchebag. Soldier is heard pulling into the driveway. Heavy, Scout, and Demo all freeze. Heavy shoves the Tentaspy into Scout’s arms and tells him to hide it somewhere safe. EPISODE EIGHT Scout is shown in school near his locker, holding the baby Tentaspy out in front of him. He tells the Tentaspy that he’s going to have to stay in the locker for the day and that he can’t get into any trouble. Tentaspy gives Scout a look and pinches his hands with some tentacles. Scout curses and tells Tentaspy he really means it, or else they’ll be having calamari for school lunch tomorrow. Scout also takes the time to remind Tentaspy of the events of last night. Flashback. Scout runs out of the room as Soldier returns home. Heavy and Demo are standing there as though nothing is wrong. Soldier plods to the kitchen table and sits down. He stares. No one moves. Soldier sniffs the air and pauses, then asks if anyone wants to have sushi for dinner. Tentaspy remembers and nods sadly, waving his tentacles at Scout. Suddenly, Pyro taps Scout on the shoulder, who jumps and lets out a small scream. Pyro giggles, then stops upon seeing the Tentaspy. He gestures at it and shrugs. Scout explains what it is and where he got it from, and that yes, it did have the mini suit and ski mask on when he found it. Pyro suggests putting it in the aquarium in the science wing, but Scout says that he can never trust a man who teaches science for a living. He doesn’t elaborate. Scout shoves Tentaspy into the locker and tells him to be good as he and Pyro rush off to shop class. A sad shot is shown of Tentaspy waving one of his tentacles sadly, then discovering that Scout hadn’t closed his locker all the way. Cut to a scene of shop class, where Engie is explaining the finer points of a flux capacitor. Scout discovers he has some of Tentaspy’s slime on his hand and wipes some on Pyro’s suit. Pyro punches Scout in the arm and wipes it onto the kid next to him. The process is repeated until the last kid wipes it on Engie’s ass as he’s writing out some complicated equations. Everyone in the class giggles. Meanwhile, Sniper has been cleaning the floors with a new waxer. He discovers a strange trail of slime leading out of and back into someone’s locker, and goes to investigate. He opens the locker and finds Tentaspy sitting in there, chewing on a chocolate bar he must have found from the cafeteria. Sniper closes the locker, cleans the slime from the floor, and then opens it again. Tentaspy waves one of its tentacles at Sniper, who then lowers his aviators to look more closely. “Jesus Christ.†EPISODE NINE Sniper is still leaning over and looking at the baby Tentaspy, who giggles and waves a tentacle in a friendly manner. Sniper shakes his head and goes to close the locker door. “No, mate, I know your type.†He opens the door. “You go an’ rape people just because you can.†He closes the door. “But you are kinda cute.†He pauses, then opens it again. The baby Tentaspy sniffles. Sniper’s lower lip trembles and he picks it up out of the locker and puts it into his bucket full of water. It splashes around and he tells it to be quiet or else he’ll just toss it out the window. Cue a shot of Engie’s class, where he has taken Pyro and Scout into the hallway to reprimand them about passing slime around the classroom. He then reprimands them even more for ruining his new pair of overalls. Scout comments that overalls are for rednecks anyway, prompting Engie to go on a rant about how many PhDs he has. Scout wonders aloud why Engie’s working in a backwater school if he’s got so many degrees. Engie bites his lip and sniffles loudly while looking into space vacantly. Pyro feels bad. Sniper and Tentaspy then pass the three of them in the hallway. Pyro, Scout, and Engie all stop to look at the baby in the bucket. Sniper whistles as he walks by, waving to Engie for once. Engie blushes a little and waves back shyly. Scout pauses a minute before he realizes that the baby Tentaspy was basically stolen. “YOU FAGGOT!†Scout tries to flag Sniper down, but he has already picked up the Tentaspy and has begun to run away with it. Pyro shrugs at Engie, who is still standing there dumbly, and follows Scout. Sniper heads out the back door into the soccer field, interrupting the big game of the season and trailing slime everywhere. He yells to Scout that it’s his Tentaspy now because he’s the only one who can take care of it right. Scout asks how the hell Sniper knows how to take care of a mutant. Baby Tentaspy hears this and starts to cry, crippling the two of them and everyone else on the field. Everyone falls to their knees and covers their ears. Pyro is shown leading Engie outside just in time for the crying to stop. While everyone is still recovering from the death-cry, Pyro quickly scoops up the Tentaspy and shows it to Scout. Scout gives Pyro a thumbs up. Pyro then begins to run to Scout’s house, holding the Tentaspy out in front of him so he doesn’t get slime all over his clothes. Scout runs after Pyro, but not before kicking Sniper in the groin and calling him a baby-stealing lunatic. Engie rushes over to help Sniper up, and suggests that they go after those crazy kids. Sniper nods and they both rush after Pyro and Scout. The soccer players all want to go home. Cut to a shot of Soldier and Heavy sitting in lounge chairs on the front lawn. Soldier is trying to get a tan. Scout and Pyro come barreling down the hillside, yelling and holding the baby Tentaspy up in the air. Soldier sits up and tries to see what’s going on, spotting Engie and Sniper coming up on the horizon. EPISODE TEN Scout and Pyro get closer to Soldier and Heavy, Pyro beginning to wave Tentaspy around in the air wildly. Tentaspy looks a bit ill because of it. Soldier jumps up and starts yelling for them to stop running, his sunglasses falling off his face to reveal an embarrassing tanline. Heavy tells Soldier to let kids run because that’s what kids do, but Soldier comments on the appearance of baby Tentaspy. Heavy remembers that they had to hide baby Tentaspy from Soldier when it was first discovered, and jumps up as well, shouting for Pyro and Scout to run somewhere else before Soldier sees the Tentaspy and does something awful. Scout and Pyro keep running anyway, and come to a halt once they reach Soldier and Heavy. Scout points to the horizon and says that Sniper and Engie have gone batshit and are trying to steal the baby, while Pyro hugs Tentaspy and lets out a sad sigh. Tentaspy looks at Soldier cutely, putting its hands on its cheeks and giggling. Soldier lifts up his helmet a little and stares, saying nothing. He is briefly reminded of Scout’s childhood. Fade to a flashback, where Scout’s mom is holding a baby Scout and smiling. Scout looks at Soldier the same way the Tentaspy did and giggles. Soldier is shown, looking happy and not mentally unstable. Cut to a shot of the present again, where Soldier has begun to stare at Scout, who fidgets around nervously for a few seconds. Heavy says nothing. A tear forms in Soldier’s eye and he says to Scout that they have to protect this baby freak of nature. He takes his helmet off and turns it upside down, taking Tentaspy from Pyro and putting it into the helmet. He sets the helmet in the grass and tells Tentaspy to stay put until the ass-kicking is over. Scout and Pyro run over to the helmet as well, crouching in the grass and watching, giving each other hi-fives. Soldier and Heavy raise their fists and look threatening as Sniper and Engie reach the backyard. A brief shot is shown, consisting of Scout calling Medic and saying that he should come over real quick ‘cause there was some serious carnage about to go down. Sniper and Engie say that they’ve come for the baby Tentaspy. Soldier says that they couldn’t take care of a baby if their lives depended on it. Sniper seems very offended by this and goes to punch Soldier. Soldier dodges and tosses Sniper to the grass with a pro-wrestling move and makes an unnecessary comment about his Australian heritage. Engie and Heavy pause briefly and feel awkward about it before starting to fight with each other. Medic arrives at the scene a bit later, and tells everyone to halt with an authoritative and very loud megaphone. They all pause. The camera moves to Engie and Heavy: Heavy has lifted Engie into the air as though he’s about to throw him. The camera then moves to Sniper and Soldier: Sniper has Soldier in a headlock and is giving him what looks like a noogie with extremely dirty knuckles. Finally, the camera gives us a shot of Scout and Pyro, who had made popcorn and were sharing it with the Tentaspy. Medic comments on how they’re all idiots, and herds everyone inside. Cut to a shot of Soldier’s living room, where everyone is sitting in a circle on ottomans. Medic has a clipboard and is apparently conducting a faux-psychiatric evaluation. He asks everyone to explore their pasts and think of what would make them so angry and violent. Scout and Pyro roll their eyes at each other and grab Tentaspy from the helmet and sneak outside. No one seems to notice. Soldier begins by commenting that it hurt him that he never got into the army for real. He then tries to make himself seem manlier by saying he was a damn good soldier without anyone’s help. He pauses and sniffles into a handkerchief. Snot dribbling from his nose, he tells everyone that what hurt him most of all was that Scout’s mother left him for a “French faggot†and doesn’t call very much anymore. Soldier then says that he wishes he could be a better father for Scout, even though he’s an insufferable little brat. Heavy pats Soldier on the shoulder lightly, and then begins his story. He says that he wishes he wasn’t sent to Russia when he was a child, because he missed out on quality time with Soldier, his only sibling. He also comments on the lack of sandwiches in Russia, something that made him very sad. Soldier asks Heavy why he was sent to Russia in the first place, to which Heavy replies that he has no idea. A brief shot of Medic is shown: he is taking fake notes and checking Heavy out. Mostly checking Heavy out. Engie adjusts his hardhat and laments that he works for the school, saying that it’s stupid and that he knows he’s destined for better work. He then recalls the time the government came and confiscated his plans for something called a “sentry†that he had invented. He pounds his hand into his fist as he curses the army, saying that they’re going to need a sentry someday and when they do, he won’t build one for them. He also remarks, quietly, that it makes him angry that Scout and Pyro throw eggs at his car even though he read in an issue of Seventeen magazine that egg yolks help make your car shinier. The camera pans to Sniper dramatically as he takes off his hat and looks at the ground. Everyone looks at him very seriously. He talks about his younger years in Australia, where one day he found an abandoned Koala. He felt bad for it so he took it under his wing, teaching it the ways of the warrior and even showing it how to shoot a gun. He tells everyone he named the koala Anne, after his sister-in-law for reasons he doesn’t explain. A few quick flashback shots are shown, mostly of Sniper and Anne chillin’ and havin’ a good time in Australia together. Sniper says he was with Anne for 5 years, almost to the day. His expression saddens as he grips his hat a little harder, explaining that Anne was killed by a kangaroo. Fade to a scene where a kangaroo is shown kicking Anne in the gut, then to one of Sniper punching the kangaroo in the face. Sniper says he buried Anne under her favorite eucalyptus tree, then flew to America to escape the bad memories and start a new life. He also says that he took the kangaroo’s body on the plane in a suitcase as carry-on luggage, and once in his new home put it into his fridge. He isn’t sure why, but he felt like it was what he had to do. The camera pans around to everyone’s faces. They all look shocked, horrified, and suddenly aware of what sort of man Sniper is. Fade to Sniper’s living room, where the picture on the mantelpiece is finally shown in its entirety: it’s a picture of Sniper, holding Anne and smiling at the camera. Engie puts a comforting hand on Sniper’s and they look at each other. Sniper smiles a little and Engie blushes. Medic clears his throat and says that the examination is over and that they’re all fucking crazy. He then invites Heavy to his car for a different sort of examination. Heavy’s eyes light up and he says yes, waving goodbye to Soldier. Soldier then calls for Demo, who tears ass out of the basement and asks what’s wrong. Soldier tells Demo to go look for Pyro and Scout, and to tell them to get the fuck back into the house because he needs to have a very serious talk with them. Demo looks at Sniper and Engie, who are gazing into each others’ eyes and holding hands, before going into the backyard and calling for the two boys. Meanwhile, Soldier takes the time to call Scout’s mother over the phone. She asks what the hell he wants and he explains what’s been happening. “Your son is out of control!†he says angrily. Cut to a shot of Scout and Pyro hiding behind the couch with the Tentaspy. Scout heard all of Soldier’s conversation and takes it to mean that Soldier doesn’t love him anymore. Offended, he stands up suddenly and calls Soldier a dickhead before running out of the house crying. Pyro says something muffled and tries to stop Scout, but fails. Soldier says to Pyro that Scout will be back eventually and that he shouldn’t worry. Demo wanders back in and grabs Pyro by the collar, holding him up and loudly proclaiming that he found one of the kids. Soldier facepalms while Tentaspy giggles. Cut to a shot several hours later, after the sun had set. They are all in Soldier’s house for one reason or another. Sniper and Engie are playing with baby Tentaspy and look very happy. Demo is drinking with Heavy and Medic, who are basically groping each other in front of everyone. Soldier asks Pyro if he knows where Scout is. Pyro shrugs angrily and says that he wouldn’t know, because he hasn’t went looking for him like he wanted to. Soldier doesn’t understand a word and calls Scout’s mother again, telling her that she should come over asap because her stupid son is missing. Spy and Scout’s mom arrive in their car a bit later, Scout’s mom crying and dabbing at her eyes as she asks Soldier why he wasn’t watching Scout. Soldier just shrugs and rubs the back of his neck. Spy lights a cigarette and calls Soldier a bad father in a back-hand sort of way. Soldier gets everyone’s attention and says that they’re all going to search for Scout until they either find him or they all die. He hands out flashlights and tells everyone to get going. Cut to a shot of the park, where Scout had hidden in some bushes. He looks like he has been crying and his knees are all scraped up, suggesting he had to crawl a long way to get into the bushes in the first place. He says something about Soldier being a shithead and how he wishes he lived with his mom. Fade to everyone searching for Scout, calling his name loudly and looking in all the odd places in the neighborhood. Soldier is shown doing this for a while before suddenly getting an idea and dashing off, leaving everyone to keep searching. Soldier finds Scout in the bushes, causing Scout to curse loudly and wave his arms wildly at Soldier, telling him to get the fuck away. Scout then asks how the hell Soldier found him. Soldier says Scout hid here all the time when he was a kid, looking proud for remembering such information. Scout starts to sniffle again. Soldier asks what’s wrong. “You fuckin’ hate me.†“No I don’t, son! You just… get on my nerves sometimes.†“Why the fuck did they give you custody, anyway?†“Because Spy hates kids.†Scout starts to sob a little bit, and Soldier puts his arm around him. Scout tries to wiggle away. “Scout, no matter what anyone says you’re my son and I love you!†“Yeah right, you gay. You’re the worst fuckin’ dad in the world.†Soldier’s face falls and he sighs. He then explains to Scout that even though he doesn’t know much about kids or how to care for them, and even though he goes to buy alcohol instead of things Scout can drink, he still loves him. Scout looks at Soldier and nods a little bit, accepting this explanation and hugging him. Scout then falls asleep, and Soldier carries him out of the bushes and back to the house. Soldier says he’s found Scout and everyone breathes a sigh of relief, except for Spy who still hates kids. Scout’s mother hugs Soldier and thanks him for finding Scout, giving both of them a kiss on the cheek. As Soldier puts Scout to bed, Scout’s mother and Spy crash on the couch for the night. Pyro waves goodbye and goes back to his house, Heavy goes with Medic to the clinic for further examining, Engie and Sniper take baby Tentaspy to Sniper’s house, and Demo sleeps in the basement as usual. Cut to a shot of the next day, where everyone is having a barbeque in Soldier’s backyard. Demo is playing drunken pin the tail on the donkey with Scout’s mom, who is egging him on and seems to be having a great time contributing to Demo’s broken liver. Spy is having a chat with Engie about that lovely baby Tentaspy of his, appearing to be hitting on both Engie and Tentaspy at the same time. Engie looks repulsed and says the baby isn’t for sale. Sniper is apologizing to Soldier about the fight they had the other day, and shakes his hand. Soldier says he is sorry as well, but says he still thinks that Sniper is a dirty Aussie. Medic is trying to convince Heavy to get Scout to come to the office more often, but Heavy says that Scout is perfectly healthy. Medic comments that even young boys can get prostate cancer. Heavy looks at Medic funny. Medic doesn’t seem to know that he’s said anything wrong. The camera finally shows Scout and Pyro, who are playing catch with each other. Scout says that this family is pretty fucked up, and Pyro tells Scout to be thankful his parents don’t wear hazmat suits. Scout says “amen, brotha,†and goes to the grill to grab a hot dog. A remixed version of “We Go Together†starts playing, as the camera focuses on each person one by one. When the lyrics start everyone joins in with the singing, walking down the street of the neighborhood and hi-fiving each other. The musical montage lasts until the lyrics stop, and ends with everyone jumping into the air happily and freeze-framing in place as the credits roll. The music segues into “We Are Familyâ€. When the credits end, an epilogue is shown, possibly what the 2nd season will entail: Sniper and Engie attending Tentaspy’s tapdancing routine for the school play, Scout and Pyro tossing flaming eggs at Engie’s car instead of normal ones, Heavy becoming Medic’s nurse at the clinic, and Soldier and Demo getting a little closer than they thought they would. Scout’s mom and Spy are shown, as well, Scout’s mom appearing to re-think her engagement to him. A final shot is shown of everyone coming down from the freezeframe and group-hugging. Except for Spy who’s sort of an asshole. -SEASON ONE END-
SEASON 2, EPISODE 1 The scene opens with a shot of Scout’s backyard, where Soldier is shooting birds from trees. He mumbles to himself that they’re annoying pests, much like everyone else in his life, and proceeds to shoot one right in the head. It falls with a dull thud and Demoman promptly retrieves it and puts it in a bucket behind Soldier marked “Killinsâ€. Demoman is wearing a dog costume. Meanwhile, Scout is batting at imaginary baseballs, pretending they are the heads of his father and of Spy. This causes him to swing so hard he hits himself in the back of the head with the bat more than a few times. There is a small lump forming on the back of his head, which Sniper is looking at through the window of his home. The camera zooms in on Sniper just as he disappears into the ether of his dirty household. Pyro is shown rushing into Scout’s yard suddenly, waving his arms around in a frenzied way and shouting loudly. Scout starts a swing just as Pyro is in range, and, unable to stop the bat, accidentally hits his friend in the head. Scout curses loudly and brings his hands to his mouth, letting go of the bat in the process. The bat hits Soldier in the helmet, and as he falls backward from the shock he takes Demoman down with him. They both hit each others’ heads and black out. Pyro, as well, has passed out. Scout looks around to see if there were any witnesses, and lays in the grass himself, pretending to be knocked out as well, figuring that no one will blame him if everyone was found unconscious. Pyro’s parents are shown talking to each other and gesturing to some pictures over the fireplace: an astronaut, a motorcyclist, a deep-sea diver, and others. Presumably, they are Pyro’s relatives. Pyro’s parents seem to be arguing with each other now, and as Pyro’s father points to all the party decorations outside it is assumed that they are holding some sort of gathering. Back in Scout’s backyard, he is shown trying to rouse Pyro by poking at his mask. He nervously glances over at Solider and Demoman, who are still very passed out and on top of each other in a very suggestive way. Scout bites his nails and tries to wake Pyro by rubbing his hands all over Pyro’s head. His mask’s rubbery squeaks wake Pyro up, who rubs his head and asks what happened. Scout says he’s got no idea and grabs Pyro by the hand, running out of the yard and to safety. Scout explains to Pyro that he doesn’t want to be around when Soldier wakes up and finds a black man on top of him. Pyro asks why it matters that he’s black. Scout replies that it really doesn’t, it’s just that his dad’s a dickhead. Pyro accepts this explanation. In Pyro’s backyard, he and Scout hide behind some bushes. Pyro points to his parents, who are now arguing on the deck and are kicking each other in the shins while gesturing to the beer cooler. Pyro says that they’re having a family reunion today and his parents aren’t feeling so good about it. Scout wonders why, since Pyro’s parents are freakin’ rich, and Pyro explains that his uncles are much more successful. In fact, one is a deep-sea diver who discovered an assload of buried treasure. Pyro pats Scout on the shoulder and serious music begins to play. Scout stares at Pyro for a long moment before asking what the fuck is up. Pyro says that he’s anxious about his cousin coming over, the son of the deep-sea divers. Scout asks why. Pyro shakes his head and says just his name: Hydro. TO BE CONTINUED… EPISODE 2 The episode begins with a shot of Pyro’s family reunion in full swing. The camera pans around to show some of his relatives: the astronaut, deep-sea diver, and motorcyclist are all there, as well as a fumigator, a professional fencer, a welder with his mask still on, and many other masked weirdos. The motorcyclist gives Pyro a model of a motorcycle and pats him on the head, Pyro looking very pleased. Scout is there, too, and says that Pyro has some cool-ass relatives, but they’re still sort of creepy. He then asks where Hydro is. Pyro shugs and seems a little angry, huffing loudly inside his mask. Scout wanders off to get some punch and tells Pyro to forget he ever said anything. Cut to a shot of Soldier’s living room, where he and Demoman are sitting in awkward silence. Soldier flashbacks about the happenings of yesterday: He wakes up and sees Demoman still passed out and laying on top of him. Soldier blushes and looks at him for a long moment, admiring how great he looks even in a dog costume. He considers giving Demoman a raise. He then rolls Demoman off of him onto the grass, and looks at him some more, licking his lips. He wonders if he tastes like chocolate. Then there is a shot of Demoman, who also flashbacks about his version of yesterday: He is shown drinking in the morning, donning the dog costume, and drunkenly gathering birds for Soldier. He doesn’t seem to remember being on top of Soldier because he was too drunk. He only feels awkward because he wants to ask for a raise but doesn’t think Soldier will give it to him. The clock ticks loudly as a last shot is shown of them sitting in the living room. Back at the party, Pyro is nowhere to be seen as Hydro arrives with his parents. He is Pyro’s height, but wearing a full deep-sea diving costume. The other deep-sea diver is his uncle. Hydro looks around and spots Scout, and quickly goes over to say hi. Scout purses his lips and sort of understands him, since he talks just like Pyro except a bit more watery. Scout then says hi and says that he’s got a cool helmet. Hydro says that it’s real and that he’s used it to deep-sea dive before. Scout replies that he hopes so; otherwise it’d be really stupid to just wear it. Pyro returns from the bathroom and freezes when he sees Hydro talking to Scout. He hides behind a tree near them and listens in on their conversation, sweating heavily under his mask. He grips the tree so hard he scrapes a little bit of the bark off. Hydro says that Scout has a very nice body. Scout says that he runs a lot, mostly away from his dad, but he likes to do it anyway because it gives him a rush. Hydro moves a little closer to Scout as the music becomes a cross between heartwarming and horror movie-esque. Pyro clenches his fist from behind the tree and starts yelling “noooo!†very softly. Scout doesn’t hear him. Hydro puts a hand on Scout’s shoulder and says that he’s got nice shoulders as well; he’d be able to carry an oxygen tank really easily. Scout awkwardly thanks him again, taking a sip from the punch. Hydro is, presumably, looking straight into Scout’s eyes. Pyro almost throws up in his mask. Scout stands there for a moment, not knowing what else to do, his eyes wide with fear. Hydro leans in and bumps his mask against Scout’s face, trying to give him a kiss. Scout opens his mouth a little as the mask digs into his cheek, as though to scream silently in horror. Pyro jumps out from behind the bushes, waving his arms wildly before tackling Hydro to the ground and punching him in the helmet. There is a small gasp from the group of adults as they all try to pry Pyro from Hydro. Pyro’s father finally gets Pyro off, holding him up in the air as Pyro continues to make punching motions. Scout takes a sip of his punch and stares into the distance, eyes glazed over in what can only be called “why does this shit always happen to meâ€. Cut to a shot of Scout walking home with Pyro later on in the evening. Pyro says that when he gets back his father is going to be really, really angry and Pyro might not make it out alive. He then says that Scout can have all his stuff if that’s the case. Scout thanks Pyro and gives him a brohug, telling him to go shove Hydro into an ocean or something. Pyro shuffles home alone, hanging his head in shame and disappointment. He thinks about how much he hates Hydro and his watery ways, and decides that he’ll apologize profusely to his father. When he gets to the door he opens it and sees his parents sitting at the dinner table, looking very serious. They ask him to sit down, and the camera pans out of the house ominously as Pyro closes the door behind him. Back at Scout’s house, Soldier tells Scout that they’re going on a road trip with Scout’s mom. Scout asks if Spy is coming and Soldier shrugs. Demoman says that he’s coming, to which Scout replies that’s really not a comforting thing at all. Heavy opens the door, coming home after a long day of “work†at the clinic with Medic. He says that he’s going along too, and asks if Medic can come. Soldier says of course. Sniper, who had been using his new spying gadgets, remarks that he can now hear the conversations Soldier’s been having. Engineer is playing with the baby Tentaspy and tells Sniper to stop being such a “dang creepâ€. Sniper shrugs and says that they should ask to come on the road trip, too. Engineer asks why. Sniper says just because. Finally, there is a shot of Scout’s mother and Spy. She is packing for the trip while he is pacing around the room and smoking furiously. He asks her if she’s serious about going, and she replies that she wants to spend time with her son. Spy says that he’s going to have to go as well so that Soldier won’t try anything stupid. Scout’s mom remarks that he’s way too suspicious. The episode ends with a shot of him frowning deeply and putting another cigarette into his mouth before the second one is finished. EPISODE 3 The episode begins with a shot of Soldier loading suitcases into their car. Scout looks like he wants to die, and mentions to Soldier several times that going to visit Medic would be better than this. Soldier tells Scout to sit if he doesn’t want to stand anymore, totally missing Scout’s point. Demoman comes out of the house, replying that he’s locked everything securely. Soldier looks up and thanks him, moving his helmet out of the way for a moment to look into Demoman’s eyes. Demoman stares back in the way deer do when they’re about to get hit by a car. Sniper and Engineer come out of their house, Sniper waving to Soldier and Engineer holding Tentaspy in his arms. Tentaspy has his tentacles wrapped around Engineer’s overalls and is trying to unclasp them. Soldier looks at Sniper, who explains that if they’re going camping they can just use his campervan. Soldier asks what the catch is. Sniper replies that they want to go along with them, since they want the Tentaspy to know what it’s like in the harsh, unforgiving outdoors. Scout gulps once he hears the words harsh and unforgiving, and looks up at Soldier, seeming to be scared. Soldier tells Scout to stop being a pussy before turning to Sniper and crossing his arms authoritatively. “You’re going to bring THAT with you?†Soldier points at the Tentaspy. “He won’t harm anyone. He just slimes on stuff a lot…†Soldier stares at the Tentaspy. Tentaspy looks at Soldier and waves a tentacle. Scout gags a little but calls it cute anyway. After a moment of deliberation, Soldier decides that a campervan could be beneficial. He says that Engineer, Tentaspy, and Sniper can go with them. Sniper hi-fives Engineer, whose overalls are around his ankles at this point. He’s wearing boxers with a lasso pattern. Medic and Heavy pull into the driveway, saying they’ve bought the necessary medical supplies. Medic makes an off-hand remark about how it’ll be useful to study Scout if he gets any injuries out in the wilderness, rubbing his hands together and hunching over a little. Scout looks at Medic with wide eyes, and suddenly realizes that he’s just like the villains on his favorite cartoon. He immediately backs away a few paces, out of Medic’s line of sight. Heavy puts a hand on Medic’s shoulder and says that Scout hardly ever gets hurt when he’s out playing. He then leans over and whispers that Scout mostly only gets hurt when Soldier’s around. Scout’s mother finally arrives and gets out of the car, giving Scout a big hug and a kiss. Scout says hell yeah, and his mother tells him to watch his mouth in a non-authoritative way. Soldier is poised for a hug from her, as well. She looks at Soldier sternly and offers him a handshake, which wasn’t exactly what it was hoping for. She salutes him before marching off to greet everyone else. Scout laughs at Soldier and calls him a loser, saying he really fucked it up with a hot lady. Soldier hangs his head sadly. Spy then gets out of the car, as well, closing the door slowly while glaring at everyone else. He adjusts his tie and as he gets closer, he pretends to be friendly, greeting Scout with a friendly “hey, sport†and a pat on the head. Scout sticks his tongue out when Spy’s back is turned. Spy then shakes Soldier’s hand, saying he’s raised a lovely young boy, and he can certainly see why Scout’s mother left him. Soldier is confused by such a back-handed compliment. Demoman shakes Spy’s hand as well. Spy smells the alcohol and figures he’s too drunk to understand any double-edged compliments anyway. Spy then sees the Tentaspy, and he smiles for real and his eyes get wide. He brings a hand to his mouth, saying something about how it’s that lovely young specimen he saw before. He immediately goes over to Sniper and Engineer to try and schmooze his way into buying it. They all pile into Sniper’s campervan after arranging their luggage accordingly. Soldier is driving. Scout sits in one of the way back seats, sighing and saying how he wishes Pyro were there. Suddenly, Pyro bangs on the back door of the van, looking frantic and shouting something wildly. Scout opens it and Pyro falls in, shutting it behind him and telling Soldier to step on it. Soldier asks Scout what the fuck he just said, and Scout screams at Soldier to put the pedal to the metal. Soldier does so, tearing out of the driveway and down the street, onto their destination. Pyro looks out the window behind him with Scout, and as they see Pyro’s parents chasing after them, they both giggle. “You were in deep shit, man.†EPISODE 4 The scene opens with a shot of the back of Sniper’s campervan, where everyone is either sitting or not. Scout and Pyro are particularly engaged in their game of cards in the way back of the van. Scout wins every time because Pyro doesn’t actually know how to play. Meanwhile, every so often Medic is reprimanding them and telling them to get their ‘arsches’ into some actual seats before Scout’s awful driver of a father crashes the van. Soldier turns around to yell at Medic, saying that he doesn’t want that sort of language used around his son. Scout crosses his arms and nods, remarking “Yeah, fuckerâ€. While Demoman grabs onto the wheel and steers for dear life, Soldier takes his sweet time turning around to watch the road. He glares at Medic a little while longer before facing the road again and trying to look like a man who knows how to drive. Medic sighs and gives up, taking out an issue of “Doctoring Monthly†and reading through it. He chuckles occasionally and nudges Heavy, pointing to one article or another and generally mocking the breakthroughs of modern medicine. He thinks they’re not doing it right. Heavy nods and pretends to understand, though in reality he’s deathly afraid of needles and there are pictures of those on almost every page. He considers sitting next to someone else after they get to a rest stop. Engineer is sitting next to Heavy, holding the baby Tentaspy in his arms and guarding it jealously from Spy, who is sitting across from them and staring. Spy, much like Medic, is nudging Scout’s mom in the arm every so often to make a comment about how the Tentaspy is so interesting and alluring and how maybe they could buy it if they offered enough money. Scout’s mother is busy doing her nails, and even though it’s sort of a bumpy ride she hasn’t messed up once. Sniper is watching her in awe, glancing at his own nails and thinking that he should probably ask her what her secret it. Baby Tentaspy is waving at Spy, unaware that he’s basically a creep. Up in the front of the van, Demoman and Soldier are sitting in mostly silence. (Soldier takes the time to berate the other drivers.) Demoman glances at Soldier, his eye looking like a lover scorned. He takes a swig from his trusty flask and looks ahead again, thinking about how miserable it is to be maid to a man who doesn’t know you love him. Soldier’s too busy looking in the rearview mirror at Scout’s mom. He bites his lower lip as he bats his eyelashes at her even though she can’t see him, and grips the steering wheel a little tighter. He mumbles something about filthy spies and their chloroform rags, stealing all the women and brainwashing them. Demoman, seeing that Soldier doesn’t have his eyes on the road /again/, puts a hand on the steering wheel to steady it. This doesn’t prove to be particularly effective, since Demoman is already drunk. There is a short musical montage showing the antics of Soldier’s crappy driving, and everyone else being generally amused and/or scared for their lives. Eventually, Soldier stops the van, seemingly in the middle of the desert, and everyone gets out. There’s a muffled yell of ‘aw, yeah!’ and a high-five as Scout and Pyro see where they’ve ended up. Roswell. Soldier says they’re going to spend the night here, and Scout’s mom becomes hopeful and looks around for a hotel. Soldier laughs and pats her on the shoulder, replying that they’re going to sleep in the van since there’s enough room. Her face falls and she stomps off to use the ladies’ room in the souvenir shop. Engineer cuddles baby Tentaspy, who is sort of scared of all these aliens. Engineer tries to comfort him by saying that they aren’t real, but Tentaspy won’t listen. Sniper tries to help, as well, saying that anal probes don’t really exist and if they did they certainly wouldn’t know where to put one on Tentaspy. This doesn’t help at all, and Tentaspy cries “Sentwy down!†much like Engineer does and begins to sob. Engineer’s face goes pale. There’s a flashback to some night after Engineer had moved in with Sniper. They’re both sleeping soundly until Engineer jerks awake and yells “SENTRY DOWN!†sweating and pale. Sniper wakes up as well, rubbing his back and holding him. Engineer has begun sobbing into Sniper’s chest. The camera moves to Tentaspy’s room, where he was awoken as well and heard the whole thing. He looks sad and is wiping tears from his eyes with a tentacle as he mutters “sentwy down…†Cut to Roswell again. Sniper takes baby Tentaspy from Engineer as he runs off sobbing, going into the ladies’ bathroom as well. Sniper sets Tentaspy down and becomes very serious, saying that sentries are very important things and you shouldn’t ever say ‘sentry down’ unless a sentry’s actually down. Tentaspy, ashamed, says nothing. Sniper picks him up again and carries him to the gift shop, comforting him and saying that they’re just going to apologize and it’ll be okay. Meanwhile, Medic has been examining a large statue of an alien and commenting on it might be likely. Speaking to Heavy, he points out the similarities between aliens and humans and says that they may indeed be walking among them at this very moment. Heavy, as usual when he hangs around Medic, looks scared and in awe. Heavy asks if there are aliens around this area right now. Medic glances around before whispering “maybeâ€. Heavy gasps and covers his mouth, convinced that someone on the trip with them is from outer space. While everyone migrates into the museum or gift shop, Scout and Pyro stay outside, laying in the dirt and looking up at the sky. “Pyro, man, do you think aliens are gonna come visit tonight?†“Mmhph mhph.†“Yeah, you’re probably right.†There is an ominous shot of Spy, who is smoking and looking out a window at Scout and Pyro. He mutters to himself that he’s going to get rid of them once and for all. They’re all that’s between him and Scout’s mother. And Soldier is, too, but Spy says he can take care of that another day. TO BE CONTINUED… EPISODE 5 It is nightfall, and most everyone is asleep. The lights in the Roswell souvenir shop are still on even though there’s no one in there, contributing to the strange glow the place seems to be covered in. Most of the members of the team are in the van, sleeping either in a reclined chair or on the floor completely. Soldier, most dangerously, has chosen to sleep in the driver’s seat, and has his feet resting on the wheel. He’s twitching lightly and grumbling about ‘stupid fruity spies’, making swatting motions with his hand. It’s safe to assume he’s having a slap-fight in his dreams. Everyone else seems to be having a sound sleep, but there are a few members missing: Pyro, Scout, and Tentaspy. The music becomes a bit more mysterious as the camera shows their absence. But there is a quick cut to a shot of Pyro and Scout, who are laying in the dirt near the tent that Spy and Scout’s mother are sleeping in. (Spy refused to sleep in a van of any sort, saying it was very unsanitary and he needed beauty rest and too many people in there snore and they’re just awful to be around, really.) There is a shot of Pyro and Scout as they shiver in the cold night air. They’re both awake with their eyes open (but this is only assumed, since Pyro’s eyes aren’t visible), and they’re both looking at the sky. Scout asks if Pyro’s awake. Pyro says yes and asks if Scout’s awake. Scout replies in the affirmative. He then asks Pyro if he’s seen any aliens so far, and Pyro shakes his head. Suddenly, there is a strange squelching noise in the distance. Scout and Pyro sit bolt upright immediately, looking at each other before scurrying around a rather large cactus. Scout’s muttering “holyshitholyshit†the whole time while Pyro is making indecipherable gasping noises. They calm down and wait for any more signs of danger, holding onto each other and shaking. The lights in the souvenir shop flicker violently as the squelching starts up again, followed by a small, loud shriek. Soon after the sound of meat slapping up the building begins, and continues for quite some time. Scout and Pyro are absolutely horrified by this and are doing all in their power to stop themselves from screaming/wetting themselves: Scout has his hand over his mouth and Pyro has his hand over his crotch area. Meanwhile, back in the van, Sniper has awoken. He stretches and rubs his eyes, reaching over to touch the area where Tentaspy was put down for bed. He feels the usual slimy residue and figures that Tentaspy’s still sleeping peacefully. Engineer is awoken by Sniper’s stirring, and realizes with a certain amount of embarrassment that he fell asleep with his goggles on again. Sniper whispers that he thinks it’s a cute habit and pulls Engineer’s goggles off for him. They both look into their eyes and Engineer bumps his elbow into someone’s iPod. It turns on and “Chasing Cars†by Snow Patrol begins to play as Sniper and Engineer begin to kiss deeply, their lips smacking together noisily and some of the other people in the van beginning to stir as well. Soldier is the first to wake up completely, since he can sense faggotry no matter what state he’s in. He whips around, turning the wheel with his feet inadvertently and cracking his back. The sharp crunch of sand can be heard under the car’s wheels, startling both Sniper and Engineer. They look at Soldier but they seem to be stuck to each other’s lips, since they continue to kiss noisily. Soldier calls them gay losers and tries his best to whisper, but it comes out as a yell anyway, and not soon after Demoman wakes up. He rubs his eye and tries to take a swig of his scrumpy like clockwork, and looks disappointed when he realizes he’s holding an empty bottle. He asks Soldier what all the ruckus is about, and Soldier just frowns and points to Sniper and Engineer. They have gone back to kissing and are ignoring everyone else completely now. Demoman looks at them for a long time as the music keeps playing, not willing to admit that it was his iPod and that he was a big fan of songs like that. He looks at Soldier after a moment, his one eye glittering in the moonlight pouring in the window of the van. Soldier quiets down and sits back in his seat, closing one eye and looking back at Demoman. It’s unclear as to whether Soldier is making fun of him or if he’s actually just tired. As the song reaches it’s chorus again Demoman dives over and kisses Soldier squarely on the lips. Soldier struggles at first, unsure of what to do (it’s been a long time since he’s kissed Scout’s mother), but he relaxes and goes with it. Demoman seems very happy. The camera shows a shot of the back of the van, with Sniper and Engineer still going at it and Heavy and Medic, who are still asleep but are making out anyway. Back near the tent, Pyro and Scout have calmed down considerably. There are no signs of any weird noises, and the lights in the shop are behaving normally. Scout asks Pyro if they should go check it out. “If it’s an alien or somethin’, we gotta protect all the others! They won’t even know what the fuck to do if there’s some scary shit like that, right?†Pyro nods as Scout continues to talk about how they’re probably the toughest ones of the group. Eventually they decide to go check out what the commotion was all about. They ease themselves from behind the cactus slowly, just in case, and crouch, walking slowly towards the souvenir shop. Pyro is breathing heavily through his mask again, while Scout has a thousand yard stare-esque look in his eyes. They are both terrified. In the distance, they can hear some sort of music, though they can’t figure out which genre it is, and this scares them even more. Suddenly, they stop tip-toeing and make a mad dash for the store, and once they get there they sidle against the wall and pause to catch their breath. Scout spots a ladder on the side of the store and gestures to it. Both of them climb to the roof and stop in their tracks once they see they’re not alone. There is a dark figure crouched in the corner, looking out onto the horizon and not saying anything. Scout asks it what the fuck it’s doing there with a trembling voice. Pyro hides behind Scout and cries softly as the figure stands slowly and turns around, the air distorting around it as the squelches start up again, this time sounding more wet and watery. Scout feels like he’s gonna puke. Scout and Pyro know the figure is looking at them even though they can’t see its face, and they both begin to scream bloody murder as a bunch of tendrils appear around the figure’s shoulders, waving wildly. Scout picks up a rock from the rooftop and chucks it at the figure before grabbing Pyro and running down the ladder and straight into Scout’s mother’s tent, where they huddle under a blanket with her. The view shifts back to the rooftop, where the figure is revealed to be Spy. He is holding the baby Tentaspy on his shoulders and was trying to bond with it. Baby Tentaspy giggles as Spy rubs the place where the rock hit him, and mutters about filthy children. He then pats the Tentaspy on the head and decides it’s probably time to bring him back. As Spy makes his way back to the tent he passes Sniper, who has somehow gotten out of the make out orgy to piss. Spy says hello casually, knowing full well that Sniper doesn’t want Tentaspy to hang out with the likes of Spy. Sniper, still peeing, screams bloody murder and chases after Spy, wearing nothing but his underwear and, mysteriously, his aviators. The shot fades as Sniper chases Spy around, baby Tentaspy giggling and apparently unaware of how serious the situation really is. Cut to a shot of the next day, early in the morning. Everyone is awake and those who were making out the night before are all extremely tired, except for Medic and Heavy. They are happily preparing breakfast with what little supplies the team had, and are chatting with each other in a most friendly way. Soldier and Demoman are sitting apart, eyeing each other cautiously. Soldier is digging his shoe into the dirt, unsure of what to say. Demoman did indeed taste like chocolate, but Soldier isn’t convinced that’s a topic to discuss over breakfast. Sniper and Engineer are sitting together, Sniper holding Tentaspy protectively and glaring at Spy. The shot quickly moves to Spy, who is puffing on a cigarette furiously and furrowing his brow. He has two black eyes: one from Scout’s rock and the other from Sniper pummeling him. Scout’s mother is having a chat with Scout and Pyro about the unlikelihood that they say aliens last night, but they aren’t buying it. They all pile into the van after breakfast and set out on the road again, the episode ending with a dramatic shot of Pyro and Scout looking out the back window at the souvenir shop. They’re convinced that aliens exist on earth. EPISODE 6 The episode opens with a sweeping view of the van driving down a dusty desert road. Everyone is sitting in silence, some of them looking over at Spy nervously every so often. The camera pants over to him and it's shown that he has two very bad black eyes and isn't happy about them at all. There is a brief flashback showing how he got the black eyes from the previous episode. Scout and Pyro are hanging their heads in the corner of the van, appearing to be sorry about it. They are, however, actually giggling to themselves about how stupid Spy looks. Before long Soldier speeds haphazardly into a rest stop, claiming loudly that he has to piss. Everyone else agrees with this sentiment and they all pile out of the van and into the poorly-maintained bathrooms. Scout and Pyro just whizz in some trees because they find it more enjoyable and so they have a chance to laugh for real about Spy's eyes. "Fuck, man, he looks like a goof!" Scout exclaims, nearly losing control of his pee stream. Pyro echoes the statement within his mask while giggling. It's unclear as to how, exactly, he's peeing. After they've finished their business the two of them sit down by a tree and watch the people going in and out, making loud and inappropriate comments when they deem necessary. Medic and Heavy come out before long, and Heavy can be heard complaining that the urinals are too small. Medic says that this is a recurring problem that isn't exactly the urinals' fault, and pats Heavy on the shoulder sympathetically. They disappear behind some trees, not having noticed Scout and Pyro, keeping their voices to a minimum. Their interest piqued, Scout and Pyro decide to see what they're up to. Scout peeks his head around the tree cautiously, only to find Medic and Heavy making out furiously. He isn't surprised, but at the same time he's just not comfortable with it. He tells Pyro what they're doing and suggests they go elsewhere. Pyro agrees. While they're walking, Scout confesses to Pyro that he's never really kissed anyone before. Pyro turns to him and appears surprised, asking something that sounds like "Really?!" Scout blushes and says yes again, saying that he just hasn't found the right person to go smooching. Pyro then says something unintelligible, looking proud, to which Scout replies "Your mom doesn't count, dumbass!" Pyro hangs his head as he and Scout come to a different tree to sit by. They're both silent for the longest time, Pyro believing that Scout is wrong about mom kisses not counting, and Scout thinking that Pyro's an idiot for even considering mom kisses real kisses at all. Scout, after a long moment of inner reflection, speaks up. "So, you've never kissed anyone before, either, right...?" he says cautiously. Pyro looks at him and nods. "Since neither of us have done it before, I mean, well, you know..." Scout struggles to find the right words, apparently talking to his feet. "Maybe we could try it out with each other or somethin'. Not gay or anythin', just for practice." There is another pause as Pyro looks at Scout deeply, and though his eyes aren't visible it's clear that this is the best thing he's heard in a very long time. He nods enthusiastically, appearing a little more than nervous, and positions himself so that he's facing Scout a bit more. Scout does the same, gulping loudly and adjusting his baseball cap, and beginning to lean over. He closes his eyes and they lean towards each other, the camera zooming in dramatically and the music becoming heartfelt. Scout puckers his lips awkwardly, an almost pained expression on his face, as Pyro makes a nervous sound from beneath his mask. The two of them finally bump into each other, Scout's lips knocking against the filter of Pyro's mask awkwardly. At that moment Medic and Heavy walk by them, apparently done with their make-out session. Heavy exclaims that he is happy for his nephew, but Medic will have none of that. He grabs Scout by the waist and lifts him up, scolding him for ever considering kissing Pyro. Medic says that Scout should have considered where that mask has been, and tells him all about the dangers of STDs. Medic says, at best, Scout could possibly have meningococcal meningitis. Scout almost immediately goes pale as Medic drags him away to the van to preform the needed tests on him to make sure he's healthy. Heavy stays with Pyro, who looks as though he is going to cry. He is holding his hands against the lenses of his mask and is shaking his head slowly. Clearly, he is regretting ever agreeing to kiss Scout. Heavy sits next to him and puts a reassuring arm around his shoulder, recounting the tale of how he and Medic first met. There is a convenient flashback. Medic is sitting in the clinic, twiddling his thumbs and looking nervous. He has a full head of hair at this point, so it's assumed that his took place at least a few years ago. He is called into the doctor's office after a long and grueling wait. He walks in slowly, and before he enters the door he looks behind him, as though saying goodbye to the real world and entering a world of horror and pain. Needless to say, Heavy hates doctors. He is told to have a seat by the doctor, who is nowhere to be found. Heavy does so anyway, sitting on the crinkling paper and cringing when it keeps shifting under him. Suddenly, Medic emerges into the room. The music slows and the world around Heavy disappears as he focuses on the German before him. Heavy's eyes grow wide as he gasps slightly, remarking to himself that he's never seen anyone so beautiful. The camera focuses on Medic again as he snaps on a glove and brushes some hair from his forehead in slow motion. Heavy is awestruck. Medic, having no idea that Heavy is immediately attracted to him, goes about his business as usual. He does all the usual examinations while Heavy is more or less going to die of a heart attack. Medic finally notices this, however, when it comes time to check his heart rate. Medic comments that Heavy seems very nervous, which is normal during these sorts of things. Heavy says that it's his first time. Medic chuckles and asks him to take a deep breath. Heavy does so. As he releases the breath, however, he grabs Medic and pulls him into a passionate kiss. The next scene is of Heavy getting kicked out of the doctor's office. The camera returns to Heavy and Pyro. Heavy concludes by saying that it took some convincing after that, but Medic finally warmed up to Heavy and now he has a happy job as his lover's nurse. Pyro says he doesn't really see how that connects to what happened today. Heavy pats Pyro on the shoulder and says that he'll realize when he's older. Heavy then walks to the van, as well, thinking to himself that maybe Pyro had a good point. Pyro sits at the tree a little while longer, rubbing the back of his mask contemplatively. Finally, he stands up and cracks his knuckles, walking back towards the van. There is a final shot of Scout and Medic inside the van. Medic has Scout bent over his knee and is administering a shot into his ass. Scout sees Pyro coming and freaks out, not wanting his friend to see him like this. The camera fades out. TO BE CONTINUED... EPISODE 7 Pyro is making his way towards the van, intent on explaining to Scout his true feelings, when he hears a loud cry in the distance. It sounds like Demoman. Pyro glances back to the van almost wistfully before deciding that Scout's had a shot in the ass before and will be perfectly alright. Demoman, on the other hand, sounds like a dying cat, and Pyro figures that he could make himself useful. Besides, he liked Demoman and thought he was charming, even though he smelled of alcohol more often than not. There is a dramatic shot of Pyro sprinting to Demoman's aid. Meanwhile, Medic has just finished giving Scout the shot in the ass. Medic doesn't actually tell Scout what the shot was for, even though he was asked many times, and finally, after a long, one-sided conversation, Scout stomps out of the van and looks around for Pyro, who is nowhere to be found. The camera cuts to a shot of Pyro, who is leaning over Demoman. It appears that he has passed out right where he was standing. Demoman stirs and opens his one eye sadly, patting Pyro on the shoulder and blubbering incoherently for a few minutes. Pyro then, as equally incomprehensible, asks what the matter is. Demoman replies in broken sentences something about getting off the phone with a doctor and that yes, it is indeed cancer. Pyro takes this to mean that Demoman himself has it, and immediately starts shaking his head and saying "mmph!" in his mask. Demoman nods sadly, and takes a swig of his scrumpy. Pyro, overcome with emotion, leaves Demoman sitting in the grass and runs back to the van, crying loudly the whole way. When he gets back to the van Pyro pulls Scout aside and hugs him, knowing that he won't like the news about his one and only manslave. Scout tells Pyro to get on with it already, saying that he's really gotta whizz and he doesn't have time for this. Pyro finally drops the bomb on Scout, looking him straight in the eyes. Scout's face falls, and he slinks off to the bathrooms miserably while Pyro goes to tell Medic the horrible news. The camera quickly cuts to a shot of Soldier, who is sitting a ways away from the van, whittling himself a spear out of some wood. Medic interrupts him by putting a hand on his shoulder and sighing loudly. Soldier, not in the mood for interruptions of any sort, glares at Medic and asks him what he dickens is going on. Medic tells him the news, and returns to the van to give Soldier some alone time. Soldier pauses, at first not quite registering what was going on. He sets down his almost-spear and takes his helmet off, staring into it. His moments with Demoman flash before his eyes again, and as he tries to assure himself that he's a straight man that's still in love with Scout's mom, he just can't make himself believe it. He tries to think back to when Scout was born, and how amazing he felt knowing that he had a wife who loved him and a darling son, but instead of Scout's mother he saw Demoman, wearing her dress and possessing the same falsetto voice. He then tries to think of the nice dinner dates he had with Scout's mother before they divorced, but instead of her ordering the shrimp cocktail, Soldier can only think of Demoman ordering the cocktail without any shrimp. Soldier sighs and hangs his head, coming to terms with his feelings for his manservant once and for all. A single tear falls from his eye as he realizes that these days might be the last days he spends with his chocolate partner, and he never even had the balls to tell him how he felt. Soldier gathers his nerves again and stands up, jamming his helmet on his head and deciding to tell Demoman his true feelings. Demoman has moved himself into the van, with help from Medic, who is attending to him as best an almost-doctor can. He's got his bottle of scrumpy with him, and looks to be fast asleep. Medic has told no one except for Soldier. Scout and Pyro are sitting there, too, gazing at Demoman sadly and wishing that they could have spent more time with him. There is a brief, painful shot of everyone else having fun outside, having a picnic. Soldier enters the van solemnly. He asks for a moment of peace with his friend and everyone agrees, piling out of the van. Scout, before he goes, pats his dad on the back and smiles at him for the first time in a long time. He tells him good luck and leaves. Soldier takes a seat next to Demoman, taking his hand and sniffling loudly. He gazes at him for a few moments, his eyes studying Demoman's striking features and tastefully worn eyepatch. He smiles as he sees that he's got his alcohol with him, and quietly tells Demoman that he's a true fighter. Soldier then clears his throat a bit nervously, unsure of whether or not Demoman can hear him, and begins talking. He says that he's sorry for the way he's treated Demoman all this time, but before now he was unable to cope with his feelings and was afraid of being rejected again. After all, Demoman seemed like a strictly-women sort of guy and Soldier wasn't willing to have his maid laugh at him every time he did the laundry. Soldier continues, saying that he wishes he could have told Demoman how he felt sooner, because cancer is an awful thing and there's no telling how long it'll give someone before they croak. Soldier wipes away a tear and squeezes Demoman's hand. "I love you, you crazy bastard," Soldier says sadly, kissing Demoman on the cheek. Demoman opens his eye and awakens from an alcohol-induced slumber, apparently having heard some of Soldier's long confession. "Me? Cancer?" Demoman says, rubbing his eye and sitting up groggily. "Nah, it's me childhood dog that's got the cancer, lad." There is a shot of Soldier turning paler than a sheet of paper as he realizes he just confessed his feelings for nothing. He suplexes Demoman, loudly proclaims he was joking about the whole thing, and stomps out of the van to join the picnic. TO BE CONTINUED...
>>12 >>13 What...did I just read?
>>12 >>13 That was brilliant. I would shank a baby for an animated series of it, I swear I would.
>>12 >>13 ... Please tell me there's more of these. Please!
>>17 Sitcom-postin' Anon, here. I'm not totally sure. I found it int he old archives but it looks like the thread was never finished, and the author was an anon.