Ok. Lets start at the beginning: Their nightly poker? Ohh that would be... (in)appropriate! Scout is just a child! Make sure you remember that we're dirty minded AND I/we will take it the wrong way. Deliberately. I personally would be alluding to the ability of Soldier to be attracted to Sniper, rather than so blatantly obvious. Also, Sniper, Spy, Engineer are their names, makes them Proper Nouns and Need Capitals. Not like that sentence. It only takes one instance for Soldier to become ruthlessly, patriotically, and all around unhealthily enamored with the lanky resident sniper. And it was all the fault of the Scout and his penchant for ridiculous gambles during their nightly poker. Would read more like: It only takes one instance for Soldier to become ruthlessly, patriotically, and all around unhealthily enamored with something, whether that is the latest Ammunition magazine or with the writings of Sun Tzu. And it was all the fault of the Scout and his perchance for ridiculous gambles during their nightly poker, that he started to obsess over the lanky Sniper. (Lanky resident feels redundant, choose one or the other, we know the characters, and they are all same team as far as I can tell) Engineer wasn't mentioned before the introduction. That was in the crossing. I did just reread it and it is fine (iBlame where the line break was), but I would avoid that choice of adjective in a list, unless its the last one in the list - limits confusion. So first thing is to make sure your lead off right. Theres some basic spelling - the / te, penchance / perchance, etc. Their lonely Sniper? Is the Sniper a pet? Soldier's pet? Engie's Pet? Ok, maybe I did drill that a little further than necessary (for my benefit...), but a possessive would indicate someone, whether the team or the corporation owns the person. Avoid possessives when describing people. Take it out completely, and it still makes sense. The line about the emotional battlefield is out of place. You have not given us enough to understand that there is a minefield of emotions. We know of a poker night. And that Soldier wants to choke the figurative kangaroo, we think. Watch your punctuation - colons are for lists. He is not listing, therefore he does not need a colon. Unless he is pooping. Then thats a different one. I love the fact you have used a lot of home language - but I don't like that some of it feels out of place. I have done this. Now I see why its annoying. Though, I can read bits of it. Soldier should buy Sniper a new hat, as the resident pet. Don't ask. String bean is Scout. Camper is Sniper. It doesn't change much, but I see him referring to something not right. Strangely, knowing some Texans, they are more liberal with alcohol, less liberal with PDA. H'up ya go - what does that mean? I expect him to be telling them to git along or something like that. Im not good at the whole accent stuff, so just ignore me if its completely legit. Now, Im not sure you've grabbed someone by the hips as they're bending to get a bottle. It *does not* end up with chest on back. Maybe after. Around a stomach, or pecs will drag him up and in. Also, have you had someone smoke really near your ear. It is defiantly not sexy. Chewing on a cigarette butt isn't pleasant either. But why is Medic smoking? That doesn't seem right. I read that whole bit as the Spy because of that. But I like Dom Medic, just going to say... I would also expect them to still be playing while slinging the shit, colloquially. So more chips leaving hands, cards being dealt, people folding, that kind of thing. You don't just sit and chat, like a book club. Ok, now what I think of it overall. I like it. Potential there. Just so many small things that makes it go from awesome to average. (If you don't believe me, I did 9/10 of these errors myself!) Also, it feels a little clipped, just because there seems to be nothing there... Lots of speech, probably pulls the plot along, but not enough plot or exposition to support it. The next post, that might help alleviate it. Also, if you need a beta, you can swing an email though my click through email there. I don't check it awesome often, but often enough. Welcome to TF2Chan, we hope you enjoy your stay! Also, we will pick stuff apart to help, not hinder, so if you need clarification, holler!