Okay, still reading this but this one thing is kind of bothering me... When you have dialogue, usually you ought to have a line break when a new person is talking. Like, "Hey John, c'mere," said Timmy. John walked over to him, smiling. "Yeah, what's up, Tim?" "Blah blah blah I think the author already knows what I'm talking about but I just woke up so I'm cranky." Timmy punched John in the stomach