As I said above, your shaky grasp on tense gives your writing a childish look. It is sloppy and amateurish. If you don't want your writing to have a childish/sloppy/etc look, all you have to do is pay attention to the tense in which you are writing, and double-check before posting to make sure that you aren't jumping back and forth and back again. This isn't exactly a complex stylistic complaint or a petantic jab at your grammar that I am forwarding here, it's basic to good writing to make sure that when your narrator is describing events in the past tense, he stays in the past tense and does not use words or sentences that place the action in the present tense. If you couldn't figure out how to fix it from my first post, I really don't think that I can help you. As for beta-ing, a beta reader would help, but I am not volunteering as, (as I also said) gore really isn't my cuppa.