I could only count three emoticons from start to finish here, so I can't see how that makes one look underage? I don't want to start something though, I just wanted to ask. On the story itself, I thought it was okay. It was a bit sudden for it to progress how much it did. This is not to say that you don't have the skills to write, because you do. I found some sentences a pleasure to read. Also, paragraphs. This helps in reading as it is all kind of stuffed together, and you can end up losing yourself in where you were.