Ehm, hi everybody! First ever fanfic right here! Please go easy on me, but any critique would be greatly apreciated! ^^ WARNING: contains Homosexual activity, mild language and bad writing skills. ------------ The sky was lit a pinkish-orange and the pines that stood below it seemed black under the light. It was a warm evening, warmer than most days of winter, and as Engineer half-heartedly sipped at his beer, he could not help but marvel about how beautiful this scenery was. It had been a rough day for RED team, most of Engineer’s team mates had had to re-spawn at least 7 times each. Re-spawn was a painful procedure and nobody knew quite how it worked, that was confidential. Engineer stretched back in his chair, causing it to creek slightly as he drank the last of his beer. He had decided that as it was such a lovely evening, he would work outside on the porch. He placed his empty bottle on the corner of a paper to stop the gentle breeze carrying it away and got back to work scribbling down some ideas for an updated sentry gun. He became so engulfed in his work that he didn’t notice a tall man stood in the doorway. He had been stood leaning against the door frame for about ten minutes before he spoke up. “Working hard, I see,†he spoke, his voice worn and broken, yet deep and commanding. Engineer spun round, knocking various papers onto the floor and twisting his helmet sideways. But as he calmed down and realised who the man was, he placed his hand to his chest and let out a sigh of relief. “Soldier, don’t scare me like that! Ya’ know I hate it when people do that, ya’ girt lummox! What’re ya’ doin’ out ere’!?†he started about picking up his papers and chasing a few that had started to drift away with the wind. Once he had them pinned back down with the bottle he approached the man slowly. “My apologies, Engineer, I just wanted to say ‘hi’, that’s all,†The man was well-built and muscular, standing at around 5 ft.9 with broad shoulders and a square chin. He was also wearing a protective helmet that was obviously far too large for him, so it covered his eyes and flopped about awkwardly. “And why’s that, eh? I thought ya’ didn’t have anything to do with us ‘maggots’ after working hours,†Engineer was considerably shorter than the Soldier and stockier with a more shaped face, with goggles over his eyes and a bright orange hardhat that was still awkwardly twisted sideways. “Affirmative,†spoke the Soldier bleakly “, but I have to ask you something of you that I think only you would be able to help me with,†Soldier seemed reluctant to speak. Engineer cocked his head sideways, correcting the angle of his hat. He gestured for Soldier to sit down, but he refused with a shake of his head. “May Ah ask why Ahm the only one who is able to solve this problem of yours? Surely there are others that can help ya’ with this and Ahm pretty gosh-darn busy right nah, Soldier, not that I don’t wanna help ya’, or nothin’,†Engineer scratched his forehead with his one gloved hand and leaned against the table he had moved outside for this one occasion. Soldier un-tensed his shoulders and walked slowly up to Engineer, who had turned and started fiddling around with some papers. “Only you can help me with this, Engie,†Soldier spoke softly into Engineer’s ear and gently placed his huge muscular arms around Engineer’s waist. Immediately Engineer spun around to protest, but was only met by Soldier’s surprisingly soft lips against his. At first Engineer hesitated, but the warmth of Soldier’s body and his shockingly good kissing skills got the best of him. But as soon as it was over and Soldier stepped back Engineer’s cheeks flushed red. “Goddammit, Soldier, what the HELL do yah think yah doin’!?†He exclaimed, backing away and once again knocking papers off the table. Irritated and confused, Engineer waited for a reply and tapped his foot impatiently on the wooded floor. Soldier didn’t say a word but crept in for another kiss. Engineer tried to push him away, but Soldier was considerably stronger than he was, and easily pinned him to the table. Although he was annoyed and confused by Soldier’s strange behaviour, Engineer had secretly admired the man in more ways than one and had quietly fantasised about Soldier, and even he was not all that certain as to why. What was happening now was wrong, not the fact that he was gay; no he didn’t have a problem with that, but the fact that this was Soldier. He was greatly respected by all the other team members for his courage, and Soldier for one was not known to be as soft as he was now, he would verbally abuse team members and had his own little cruel nicknames for each of them. But it suddenly dawned on Engineer that Soldier didn’t have one for him. Soldier’s hands slowly stroked down Engineers back, and he couldn’t help but moan with pleasure. Soldier started to bite Engineer’s neck, leaving red rings on his skin, and Engineer became lost in the moment and forgot where he was, who he was, and slowly caressed Soldier’s body. Soldier rubbed himself up against Engineer who was now starting to bite his lip so hard it almost bled. The feelings racing through Engineer’s mind were too much to bear, and he gave up trying to fight and let what happened happen. His earlier decision that this was wrong had been replaced, and now it felt so right. Soldier slowly slid Engineer’s hardhat off, revealing shortly cut light blond hair. Next came off his goggles, showing perfect blue-green eyes that glistened in the light. Soldier’s hands crept down to start un-doing Engineer’s overalls, but Engineer held his hands and placed them down by Soldier’s sides. “What are we doin’?†Sighed Engineer, snapped back to reality. Soldier kissed him gently once again. “Do you want me to stop?†Soldier’s voice was quieter than a whisper. “N-No.†And so came off his overalls. Then his shirt, which drifted effortlessly to the ground, followed by his belt which clunk onto the floor boards, until he was down to his boxers. Next Soldier started to strip off his sweaty and torn clothes, and Engineer found himself impressed with Soldier’s body. He was lightly tanned and he had unbelievably large muscles, a result of the daily fights and after-hours training. But when came off his over-sized helmet, Engineer fluffed up inside :3. None of the team members had ever seen Soldier’s upper face, including Engineer, just his chin and nose. Soldier’s eyes were a brilliant bright blue with a lighter blue around the edges, and his darker blond neatly cut and trimmed hair suited him perfectly, and Engineer wondered why he always hid such a face. Once they had both taken in what was about to happen, Soldier slipped his hands down Engineer’s back once again, and he moaned happily. Soldier grinded his crotch against Engineer’s growing erection and Engineer buried his head into Soldier’s chest. They stayed there hugging for a while before Soldier slipped his hand down to Engineer’s boxers and ran his finger over the bulge. He was granted permission with a small smile to continue, and Soldier crouched down to remove Engineer’s boxers. Soldier kissed around them as he pulled them down and was pretty darn impressed with Engineer’s size. Engineer gritted his teeth as Soldier lightly licked his dick and sucked the tip. “S-Soldier!†Engineer gasped as Soldier spat and sucked in almost his whole length. Engineer thrust into Soldier’s mouth, and indication that he wanted more. But Soldier instead sucked slowly. This restraint caused Engineer to throw his head back and moan in almost pain. “Why yah’ slowin’ down, eh!? I’m getting close!-†Engineer rasped, sweat beginning to form on his brow. “Humph, Maggot! We are fighting a war, Private! And during a war you will be tortured in some form or another! And until the war is over, the same applies here.†Soldier grinned almost evilly. “W-What’re you getting’ at, ya’ crazy bastard!?†Engineer spat through his teeth. Soldier said nothing but the devilish grin remained stained across his face as he stood back up. Suddenly his nails dug into Engineer’s back, almost drawing blood and he bit down hard into his shoulder as he unexpectedly thrust into Engineer’s ass. Engineer cried out in pain, but he loved it, and Soldier knew it. He thrust incredibly hard and fast, there was no doubting his immense power and complete domination over Engineer. Each time Soldier hit Engineer’s prostate he moaned with painful pleasure, and Soldier loved to see people hurt. It was apparent that Soldier wanted to play rough now, as he gripped Engineer’s head with his hair and heaved him up. “Hah, you puny, weakling, you. I find it kinda cute how you’re so weak and helpless! Hah!†Soldier chuckled into his ear, and tore his nails through the skin on Engineer’s chest. Engineer squealed with pain and wrapped his arms around the back of Soldier’s head, still facing forward. “S-S-Soldier, I’m…†Engineer choked as he reached his climax. But Soldier slowed and tightened his grip on Engineer’s dick, restraining him. Engineer dug his nails into Soldier until he bled, but Soldier didn’t care. “Soldier, please! Don’t do this! I can’t hold it-†Engineer managed to spit out between squeaks of pain from the restraint. “You love it, you dirty maggot!†Soldier spat, “Tell me the truth. Tell me you love it.†Engineer tossed him a concerned glance, then realised what game Soldier was playing at. It was well known that Soldier loved to be praised and to be talked about with admiration, so why should that change here? “I love it,†Engineer grunted, smiling. “What was that, maggot? I couldn’t hear you!†“I love it!†Gasped Engineer, almost shouting it. “I love it!†Engineer repeated again and again until he was practically screaming it. Finally satisfied, Soldier released his grip, granting Engineer the pleasure to come, and as he did Soldier came also, inside Engineer, who threw his head back and howled with pleasure. Then the two men stood, taking a moment to gather their bearings. It wasn’t rough anymore, it was calm and quiet, and they stood by each other in a sort of harmony. It was then that Soldier whispered into Engineer’s ear; “…And I love you too.†Engineer purred back and he reached up for another kiss. Engineer pondered, what was the situation here? Were they lovers? He didn’t care. All he knew was that he could have stayed there forever with his Soldier. Yes. His Soldier. LE SUDDEN FIN. >:D(Sorry, kiddo, but it's been confirmed that you are actually under the age of 18. Come back when you're older.)
Ooooh, I'm gonna wager a guess that you came from FanFiction.net, didn't you? Yeah... It's fairly obvious. From your usage of animu emotes to the warning that there was going to be GAY. This is TF2chan, child. It's assumed that everything here is gay. I'm going to give you a warning, and depending on how you continue to behave, you will be subject to a permaban under the assumption that you are underage. I didn't read through your fic. Soldier was out of character right off the bat, you started describing their physical features like they're outta Twilight, and oh yeah, this set-up is too common in Helmet Party fic to be considered original or arousing. This is as easy as I'm gonna get on you. If you can't handle it, I'm sure you'll fair much better at FF.net.
Okay. Welcome to the Chan. Let's get down to business. First things first--please watch your formatting. Try to put breaks between your paragraphs. While your writing is readable, the font is irritating to see close together. Feel free to add more details. I think you've got a grasp on it, but more would be better. You can be vague when it comes to measurements, however. It would be better to say "around two meters" or "around six feet" or even just "tall", rather than an exact measurement. Break up your sentences. You've got a lot of compound sentences going on. While a few are okay, it's important to have a lot of variety in your sentence structure. Play with it a little more. You have broken the Engineer's ass. Just throwing that out there. The sphincter does not sudden objects being jammed in it. That leads to tearing. It needs some preparation, as well as fluids to decrease any friction. Also, slow it down. Take it nice and easy with sex scenes. Think about how much desire and emotion humans have during sex. It's a goal for most of our species to have it, and when they do, they want to enjoy it. If you stretch out the tension, you draw your readers further into your story. Stretching is very important in many ways. Ease off the emoticons. That'll get you into trouble here. It makes people question whether or not you are old enough to be posting on this site. You are an adult, aren't you? I hope that gives you a good start. Sorry to hit you hard. You seem to have a lot of enthusiasm and a knack for description. Just slow it down, become wordier, and research what you are writing.
Sorry but I have to agree with the others. This story is just too fast, and a seductive Soldier is too OOC. And sudden anal sex without preparation or lube can be seriously damaging, especially with two people doing it for the first time OUTSIDE ON THE FRONT PORCH IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYBODY. Also you need to describe the scene in more detail. In the beginning you mention where they are, and there's mention of a wooden floor, but for the most part these guys are having sex while floating in a white room. Where ARE they? When you have sex, it's pretty important you're in a comfortable place or at the very least stable. Is Engineer leaning against the porch railing, or are they flat on the deck, or what? What's going on?
Honestly this made me cringe. Should probably look at the other stories on here that have good reviews or a lot of posts... Kind of helps if you're new and this place...well...People will tell you straight up without a care and some will warn you. Be wary of posting here and get a beta for some help before some people rip you a new one if you're sensitive.
Thank you everyone for your feedback! No, actually i've never been on Fanfiction.net It wasn't really going to be posted anywhere, as it was a request from a friend of mine. So it was just roughly done in Microsoft Word.. Yeah Soldier is pretty out if character here, but my friend said he wanted to make him seem softer whilst being around Engineer. Thanks all for your feedback!
I think it's possible for Solly to be 'softer' on someone out of affection and not be OOC. I agree with >>5 read some other stuff around here. Get a feel for the conventions. Then try again! This was admittedly pretty lame, but I don't think it's without potential. Have someone look over it before posting, preferably someone versed like those who critiqued above. Heck, I'll help if you want. My email is casuistdork@live.com, and I will red-text you to death if you're willing. If you want to try and work this story into a decent short-and-sweet, I think it can be done. It wouldn't be a one-for-the-ages, because it is a generic 'plot', but it could be something cute and serve point of comparison. If you're pressed for plot ideas and wish to write, there are plenty of excellent, unique ideas in the request thread. I don't really know if you're interested in that or not, since you said this was simply a request, but.
This was fairly simple, but maybe it was because of my outrageous love for SollyxEngie, but I found myself enjoying this. You have definite potential for writing, but you NEED to make this easier to read. Breaking up paragraphs, less emoticons, and just overall better description are what're proventing this from being better.
>>8 And more lube.
I could only count three emoticons from start to finish here, so I can't see how that makes one look underage? I don't want to start something though, I just wanted to ask. On the story itself, I thought it was okay. It was a bit sudden for it to progress how much it did. This is not to say that you don't have the skills to write, because you do. I found some sentences a pleasure to read. Also, paragraphs. This helps in reading as it is all kind of stuffed together, and you can end up losing yourself in where you were.
>>10 The matter of emoticons was discussed in the sticky thread on top of the forum ("A Moderator's Note - Please Read") According to one mod: Kilo's Rule of Thumb for Emotes: One emoticon is fine. Two is pushing it. Three is getting ridiculous. Personally, I love using emoticons, and I am in my mid-late twenties. But, to my understanding, the Chan has to be extremely careful to weed out underaged users in order to avoid ridiculous "ZOMG YOU ARE CORRUPTING THE CHYYYYLDREN!!!111" accusations. Therefore, anything that might even remotely give the impression of underage behaviour is against the rules (for example, it's suspicious that the OP made a big deal over capital-H homosexual activity in a gay porn site, and even if it doesn't necessarily mean that she is a kid and it could just mean that she is new here, she was called out on it). I think. I'm not a mod or anything, so correct me if I'm wrong.
Warning for homosexuality on a gay porn site raises a red flag to me; emoticons on top, this is age-bait for sure. Also, one thing the other commenters haven’t mentioned: “N-No.†“S-Soldier!†“W-What’re you getting’ at [...] “S-S-Soldier, I’m…†Stop with the damn stuttering. This isn’t an anime. Have you ever heard Engineer stutter in the game? No. Actually, have you ever heard anyone speak like this? Engineer has a low, rough voice, he speaks calmly even under fire, and he’s a mean motherhubbard. Please try to keep him in character also when writing his dialogue.
I was reading but the entire time through, I was just thinking, What the hell is a "girt lummox"? A lummox is an idiot. A girt is a horizontal structure in a wall. I don't get it! This story, it just reminded me of a favorite quotation. "I didn't bring any lube...But that's okay because my cock of fury is self-lubricating." "Thank god for virgin thirteen year old females writing gay porn,"
>>12 Agreed with the stuttering, but... why the anime comparison? I don't normally hear people stutter in anime (unless it's for purposefully over-the-top comedy, certainly not in earnest). Maybe it happens in shounen or some other genre aimed at 12-year-olds, but it's really not a pitfall of the whole medium. More in general, why are emoticons associated with anime here? I see them all the time in ALL of my Fandoms (manga, American comics, European comics, anime, Western animation, Japanese videogames, Western videogames, American live-action movies, European live-action movies, Western literature). Heck, I even see them in the comments of news sites. To paraphrase #10, not trying to start something, just asking. I'm honestly curious. Before coming to this site it had never occurred to me that emoticons might be taken as explicitly Japanese.
I'm not reading this fic, I don't want to throw a hissy fit however... >>14 Emotes aren't "explicitly Japanese" but rather seen as something that underage/new users pretty much specifically from FF.net or dA like to spam to a ridiculous extent. They're a very telling quirk. I remember using pretty much only -w- when I was maybe fifteen and looking back on it it's pretty silly.