Hello people! An update you may or may not care about: Pericolo! Morte! Has an update. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4066438/1/Pericolo-Morte-A-Team-Fortress-2-Fanfiction) Which is mostly an announcement of a NEW SERIES. Pericolo! Morte! Rinnovata! (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9225562/1/Pericolo-Morte-Rinnovata) I'm writing the first chapter as we speak. I'd love to hear your comments or suggestions if you all have any. Thought some of you would like to know. Thanks!
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Don't bother. It's all OCs with a self insert character. Which is all fine and dandy for the author's own mental masturbation, but not so great for the rest of us because WE want to be the one experiencing the story by proxy. I won't say "don't write self insert fanfictions" because I've been there and I STILL have to stop myself from doing it every so often. Instead, I have this to offer: Hurry up and get these out of your system. Then, if you still feel like writing, come back with something that someone who isn't you could appreciate.
Alright... I didn't mean for this to come out as some kind of... I don't know. The responses seem so hostile. I suppose if I was in the TF2chan of old it'd have more relevance, because the story WAS started out here. That, and it is written for other people to enjoy, along as a favorite of people I used to hang out with in the TF2Circlejerk, which was the group who led me to the 'chan'. So I'm sorry, I thought maybe some of the older folks still lingered around and would be interested, but instead I seem to have ticked everyone off. Though perhaps, less angry words could be offered the next time someone, new or old, posted something you didn't like? With that, then, I'm off.
I think mostly people are uncomfortable with the fact that you linked to an outside site rather than at least reposting your work on here. Like mawaru said, it seems more you want to get more views rather than constructive criticisms.
Taking time to cool my heels, yeah, I see what you guys mean. I'm sorry about that and I'll try to avoid doing that if I write anything else in the near future. Bleh. So, again, sorry about the rather newbish decision of mine. I have, in the past, written serious one-shots for the 'chan back before it upgraded, so if I get struck by inspiration again I'll post new ones directly here. Hopefully no harsh feelings... thanks, everyone!
6 No one wants to discourage you from writing. Just, well, remember to post the actual story next time, rather than a link.
I think anyone above me has already gone over the relevant points of why the story doesn't seem appropriate overall. Instead, if you're still reading (and I imagine you might check back), I'll give the points of crit I thought of when I glanced over the first chapter. It should, in my opinion, never <i>ever</i> be necessary to include a dramatis personae at the beginning of your fic. Quite aside from the fact that it kills the pace of the story before it's even after getting started, you shouldn't have to use one even if you're including non-standard characters. You should be able to introduce and develop the characters within the narrative instead, and organically reveal details about them and build them up. And in the case of fanfiction where readers are already familiar with them, only point out the necessary or unusual details when you are bringing a character in. Don't tell the reader what they already know. If you're taking a chance on writing OCs or partial OCs anyway, I would think they'd need to be familiar enough to be comforting (or at least a certain amount of canon-compliant), but different enough to spark the reader's interest. You have to strike a good balance. It is fanfiction, after all - if you stretch too far you might as well shave the serial numbers off and call it an original story altogether. A story that I think has managed to achieve that balance quite well is Sparkler (http://archiveofourown.org/works/529396/chapters/938003) - there are enough details to make you say "well, hang on, that sounds a lot like it could fit with the Pyro, doesn't it?" (However, I'm not sure I'd precisely recommend emulating the first chapter, since it doesn't bring in that kind of detail until a bit late for my liking. The fic is good for it overall, though.) Quite aside from that - as I've mentioned, you killed the pace of the story before it had even started. If you weren't using OCs the way you are, you'd have a chance to actually properly start into the narrative. But even at that, what you have of story in there isn't terribly compelling. Your first line - "A tale is about to unfold..." It's rather generic. We know there's a story going to happen. Tell us something else. And don't give us a shopping list of what is going to be in it, either - show us that in the story, try to get a smidge of it into your first line or first paragraph, even. Make your first line and paragraph draw the reader in. Something interesting or unusual. If your character is scrapping that initial attempt to start things, I'd suggest scrapping the actual lines where that's occurring and just getting on with things. The rest of what you have isn't appropriate, either. I can't entirely put my finger on what rubs me the wrong way about it, but I think it may be the 'telling', again. If the characters have fourth-wall awareness, then place them in the middle of a game match right out, show how their personalities lead them to react to said awareness. Or if you still want to frame it as a retelling, use something like a diary. Though the characters may be aware, and may wryly write down their day-to-day lives as a sort of narrative in a nod to that fact, they're still not going to be writing for the audience, I don't think. Overall - do not list the characters. Find ways to introduce them that seem natural. (If you have difficulty with that, find some fics or published stories that do so in a way that works, and note down what you think works about it.) From a look over your other older works, none of your introductory paragraphs really distinguish themselves. I'd advise working on introductory paragraphs and story introductions in general. If you're going to include fourth-wall awareness, think long and hard about how that affects the characters, with a view to their canon characterisation. (Don't mix fourth wall breaking and OCs, whatever you do. One really glaringly different detail is probably enough.)