This is my first Fan Fiction so please bare with me. This will take place between Pyro's diary and actual battles. Any details of other members are of the Pyro's awareness at the time, should a member not be mentioned it means Pyro was distracted by something and didn't see them go off. The Molten Heart Chp.1 The Cold Front... Why did it have to be The Cold Front? Of all the inane places for war to be waged at. The Cold Front... This place may be colder than the deepest parts of the ocean but at least things still burned here. Best of all HE is here as well. <3 <3 <3 It's getting late and I have to kill the accursed RED's early tomorrow. I will make sure to tell you the story of what happens today after the battle. ------------------------------------------------------ The next morning Frost covered most of the BLU base that wasn’t near a rickety furnace that were supplied by MANN CO. If they didn’t blow up they didn’t work. If they did work they were really on the verge of a slow explosion. The team had learned to deal with this by only being near the infernal devices as long as needed. As most of the members were waking up and making their way groggilly to the common/mess room only Medic and Soldier was the only chipper one’s in the building. Medic having made the breakfast for the entire time while Soldier was running his usual wartime routine of kicking Scout out of his bed for sleeping in at 4am. Medic had cooked the food on a stove hand made by Engie after the first one supplied by MANN CO. blew up and took the best chef they ever knew. Everybody missed the 10th member of their ragtag group of mercenaries. Medic wasn’t the greatest of chef’s but he did a well enough job. Having cooked a mountain of meats and eggs with toast for the members to fill up on Medic took a seat and started to eat his fill. As usual Medic was in a rather chipper mood as he ate. Eager to get everybody’s bellies filled so he can try out new methods of ‘healing’ on his comrades in the field. Heavy sat at the large table cobbled together from furniture that managed to survive the Pyro’s burning habits. Reading a book of Russian Literature, Heavy adjusted his glasses from time to time, nibbling at his food daintily. Demo was on the other side of the table, not having left the spot all night after getting plastered and passing out where he was. Mumbling slurred vulgarities while thrashing a bottle clenched hand around. Sniper waited for the other sods of his group to finish eating before going to eat his share. He put up with mooks as long as he needed to and no more. Engineer was on his way back from the garage, attempting to repair some of the heaters so they wouldn’t blow up the moment they were turned on. Having stopped his work after smelling the aroma of cooked bacon wafting through the barracks. Spy was never to be seen until after the countdown had finished and the scrimmage had begun. The rest of the group assumed he had food on his own somewhere. Pyro sat down at the table as Engineer arrived. Pulling a chair next to Heavy, Pyro started to stockpile a plate with food. Pulling his muffling mask up just enough to expose his mouth Pyro started to stuff the food inside with ease. . An hour later each member had had their fill and was taking care of last minute preparations for the fight ahead of them. As the clock struck 6:30 a shrill voice came over the speakers that clustered the base. “Time to fight! Take the barn!†“Ah, Pushing the cart into RED base again today†Pyro thought to himself as he double checked the weapons he would bring with him into war. Packing it all into his Spytech Hammerspace Device. Taking the Taking the 10 minute walk from the central base to the offshoot where the battlefield entrance was the team readied themselves. As the clock approached 7 the countdown started as the shrill shouting lady screamed out the timer. 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! With that the members were barreling out of the gate and strait for the first of many fights of the day.
Okay. To be honest, I can't tell if this is a troll fic or not. If it's not, you need to take this to the Workshop as soon as possible. You've got spelling errors, sentence fragments, term duplication, and capitalization issues. You should also refrain from using emoticons, even if you're writing part of this as a journal entry from the Pyro's diary. As a rule of thumb, you should spell every number below one-hundred out. Five, not 5. (I tend to go to write out all of my numbers unless they are years, but I believe that is the general rule.) These are all rules that can be followed and occasionally broken, once you know what you are doing. These are easy fixes. What concerns me more is what you have presented to us, as far as information goes. You are writing details, but they feel empty and meaningless. You had a tenth class that was a chef, and all you mention was two sentences about their horrific death and how everyone supposedly missed them? There is a much better way to drop this information. Actually have the characters discuss this person! What is this "Russian Literature" book the Heavy is reading? That term only shares two facts--what he is reading is literature, and it's Russian. What author? What story? What does he think about it? Is it good? Dull? Mediocre? Furthermore, if the team is having breakfast, why aren't they exchanging dialogue with each other? Not even a "Good Morning"? Even a mopey team would at least grunt at each other! What is this? Are they sitting in their own personal bubbles, not acknowledging each other? That's no way for a functional team to act! You'd think at least the Pyro would be making googly-eyes at whoever he wants to woo. I don't expect him to communicate well with the others, but he'd at least give some kind of physical reaction. I'd also recommend just sticking with one point of view. Either keep to the Pyro's first person observations (whether they are right or wrong), or just do a generalized third person perspective. I don't want to scare you away from writing. I want you to think about what you are trying to share. Even something as simple as a Rockwellian slice of life has great substance and weight. Think about how you interpret your world. What senses are you registering? How do you draw conclusions? Are your thoughts influenced by logic or pathos? Take a little time, and soak in what is going on around you. Find online writing exercises. This is a very rough start, to be honest. If you want to do well, you must practice. It's going to take a little work, but you will come out better for it.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with the person above. Even putting aside the grammatical travesties, this story is as bland as plaster-flavored ice cream. And even putting THAT aside--the story itself didn't move anywhere! I'm sure that Pyro is up to more than breakfast. I'm sorely dissappointed--but you've got time and room for improvement. Ignore just how big that room is! I suggest either indulging in some extra English homework, spending more time in the library, or investing in an editor (who knows their stuff about grammar!). None of those options are difficult, and you'll definitely reap the benifits!
I would like to thank both of you for the advice. I will be taking your comments to heart and try to improve myself and correct my errors. I hope to receive criticism as constructive as both of yours after I refine this.