1 . Name: Lazuli @ 2012-05-02 16:43

Um..hi. I'm a long time lurker. Well not that long actually, but you get the point.
Anyway, I had this silly idea nagging me like the annoying kid at school you wished would just go away. So...here...you can have it.
Please give me concrit. I'm trying to use this abomination as motivation to write again.



It began with an unmarked letter on the table found by the Soldier. He had woken up at his usual time for his usual duties; jogging, push ups, getting everyone's lazy asses out of bed… when he had seen it lying there. He started at it for one moment, then went to wake his fellow teammates.
And by waking them up it usually meant blaring his trumpet right outside their doors, or creating enough noise to get them up. Those who grumbled and slumped back down into their mattress, like a certain boy from Boston, had their doors kicked down and were dragged out. Not the wake up call everyone wanted, but Soldier didn't care. He wanted everyone up and ready for battle, even if he had to force them to get up. The Sniper usually avoided this because he slept in his camper van, so when he strolled into the kitchen his first instinct was to see who the letter was for. But at that moment the Soldier returned. He slapped the letter out of his hand and shoving the cursing Australian into a chair. Looking around the room, he was satisfied to see everyone present, willing or unwilling. He slit open the letter and read out its contents.

By the time he was finished, everyone was just as confused as he was.

The letter was addressed to them from the Administrator, and was short and to the point. The war was over, RED and BLU had merged, and the mercenariess were to pack their bags and go home.
"Wait…what?" The Scout was the first to break the silence. "When did this happen?! One day we're fighting and now they're telling us ta go home?!"
"You sure this is from HQ?" The Engineer asked.
Before Soldier could reply, an all too familiar voice cut in on the loudspeaker, greeting them with a curt "Good morning gentlemen", and urging them to get ready for battle. At once there was a frenzy to grab the nearest thing that could be eaten cold and on the spot, then the kitchen cleared out with everyone piling into the locker room to grab their gear. The day resumed as normal while the letter lay forgotten somewhere in the base.

Later in the evening the team returned to the locker room, celebrating their victory against the BLUs. Thanks to some well placed buildings and a clever sticky bomb trap courtesy of the Engineer and Demoman respectively, the BLUs weren't even able to get out of their spawn. Meanwhile, RED suffered very few casualties. That didn't mean everyone got out unscathed, so the Medic was bouncing around the locker room tending to their wounds. At one point he realized he was out of bandages, so he excused himself to get some more, ignoring the Scout's cries of "Come on man!" and "I'm dying here!" when he actually had a long gash on his arm. He returned with a tin of bandages and another letter, this time berating them for not following orders and insisting they stop fighting and go home.
"But if this bitch-"
"SCOUT!"
"…wants us to stop fighting, then why were we just called into a fight a minute ago?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Soldier snatched the letter out of Medic's hand. "This-" He ripped it in half. "Is-" Ripped it into fourths. "A-" Now eighths. "DIRTY TRICK FROM THE ENEMY." He tossed it into the air, letting it flutter down and make an unnecessary mess. "Their plan is to cause confusion among our ranks! With no one to fight, they'll claim victory! And you maggots nearly fell for it! And I am disappointed with each and every one of you!"

"On the contrary…." The air beside Medic shimmered and revealed itself to be the team's Spy, who had one arm resting on the locker next to him, and the other raised to block Soldier's attempts to slam his shovel into his skull. "The BLU team has also received a letter similar to this, and just like our resident raving lunatic patriot here, they think we had sent it."
"Who better to ask than our resident spook?" The Sniper grinned. "Well, who do you think's behind this?"
The Spy took his time responding by hanging his jacket. "Well…I also suspected it to be a trick from my counterpart, but in my time behind enemy lines, I overheard a discussion about a letter that sounded familiar. So it seems a third party is responsible."
"But what are they tryin' ta do?"
"Well…" The Spy lit another cigarette. "It's a far-fetched theory, but it's likely to happen. There are many people out there who are against us fighting. Perhaps some ambitious protest group is trying to end this war by resorting to trickery. And doing a poor job of it, if I may add."
"You mean to tell me that some HIPPIE SCUMBAGS got in my base and are trying to end MY war?!"
"Like I said, it's likely."
"String bean! Russki! Start scrubbing down this base! I don't want my men to start catching some hippie fumes or whatever they use to brainwash the weak! I will be going on patrol to make sure no hippies get into the base again! Not on my watch!" Scout and Heavy groaned in unison as Soldier marched off. Medic chuckled and placed a hand on the larger man's shoulder.
"You don't have to do it…"
"Oh yeah, side with Manifatso why don't ya, Doc?"
"Oh shut up you…I'm more concerned with how zhey got in actually. Aren't zhere cameras around ze base? Wouldn't zhey have been seen?"
"I don't get it either." Sniper shouldered his Razorback and was ready to head back to his camper until dinner. "Not that big of a deal anyway. It's just a letter."


There was no letter the next day. Soldier hadn't seen anything either, so the team assumed whoever sent them the previous ones now knew the team wasn't stupid. Once again, they were waiting for the gates to open and start the day's battle. The instant the usual countdown ended, the team barreled out the door.

"RAAAARRRRGH!!!"
"LET'S HAVE A GO AT IT!"
"YEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAW!!!"
When they reached the battlefield, everyone stopped in their tracks.

One hundred people were sitting smack dab in the middle of the field. All of them were holding up or waving picket signs with various messages, but the message they were chanting was the same.
"NO MORE RED AND BLU! NO MORE RED AND BLU!"
Even the other team was confused. They could see them from the other side of the bridge, standing there gaping at the crowd like they were right now. Then, both Soldiers came to their senses and started clearing out the crowd with their rocket launchers. The ones that weren't running for their lives were either gibed, or attempted to stand up to the Soldiers.
"Hey…" Scout nudged the Spy. "Should we help him?"
"Non. Let him have his fun."
"Funny how he was goin' on 'bout that BLU Soldier over there a moment ago, and now look what they're doing." Engineer murmured.
"Urrr hurrrm."
"STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"

The RED team looked around. The voice sounded like it was coming from a loudspeaker, but it wasn't the Administrator. Pyro pointed to the sky with a "Hudda!"
It was a machine right out the sci-fi movies Pyro liked to watch. A purple UFO embossed with a peace sign of a lighter shade hovered slowly to the ground, landing right in front of the demonstrators and serving as a barrier between them and the soldiers. The pilot was revealed to be a freckled man dressed in the Engineer's uniform, only with purple overalls and top.
"…The hell's he? An alien?"
"Vell…he's pretty human-like for an alien. I'm more interested in zhat UFO however."
"Same here, Doc."
"Who are you?!" The RED Soldier growled. "One of them?"
"I stand for peace and justice! I am the Peace Negotiator of the Purple team!" The man declared. "I will spread love and joy to the hearts of all! And to do that, I'm going to put an end to this war!"
At once the RED team burst into laughter. "My god…"The Spy wiped away a tear. "He sounds like the ridiculous children cartoons the Scout watches!"
"Hey, fuck you man! I don't watch crap like that!"
"Purple team?" Heavy was the only one besides Soldier who wasn't laughing. "What is Purple team? I never hear of them."
"Who CARES?" Medic and Demoman were supporting each other and trying very hard not to collapse from their laughter. "Aye, I've never heard anything so bloody crazy and hilarious in me whole life! An' I work with Doc!"
"And you people call me crazy! AHAHAAAAHAHAHA! Oh, mein GOTT!"
"Umm…why are they laughing at me? Is there something on my face?" The Peacemaker began dabbing at his face with a handkerchief.
"I have no time for playing around, boy!" Soldier barked. "I have wars to be fought, intel to be nabbed, and ribs to be devoured! Take your hippie friends and go back to hell from whence you came or else my boot will give your ass an express trip there!"
"How cruel! You would use violence on an innocent human being?"
"I don't care if your old, maimed, diseased, or a human being! You're still a hippie!"
"Don't go catching any diseases, then!" Sniper called out. "Ya know what Doc'll do to ya!"
"Oh, stop."
"You leave me no choice!" The man produced a toolbox from thin air. "I'll just have to defend myself with this!" The toolbox dropped and deployed itself exactly like the Engineer's buildings. And inside was….
"Oh noooo…."The Soldier sneered. "A sentry."
"It's NOT a sentry!" The Peacemaker was controlling it with a device similar to the Wrangler. "It's a PURPLE brand Sentry!"
"Oh nooo…a Purple sentry…"
"Wait…" The Engineer came forward. "So if you stand for peace and justice, and hate violence and war…then why are you using guns, which look suspiciously like mine mind you, against us?"
"Uh…." The Peacemaker tapped a finger on his neck, as if in thought. "Does it count if I use violence to stop violence?"
"I'm pretty sure it does."
"Well, I'm going to try anyway!" The Peacemaker tightened his grip on the "Wrangler". "Go Sentriii-aaaahhh…"

The gun's barrels were bent forward. A device all too infamous on the battlefield had been planted on it while he had been distracted.
"You sapped my gun!" The Peacemaker screeched at the Spy, who looked pleased with himself. "You-you monster! I spent ages working on that gun! And you had to destroy it!"
The Spy rolled his eyes. "You still have time to fix it you know."
"Huh? Oh right!" The Peacemaker whipped out his wrench, but the gun blew up before he could whack it.
"Ehh…ehhehe…" Without his sentry, the Peacemaker had no means of defense. He frantically tried to think of what to do next. "Look…can't you all just settle your differences some other way? No one likes needless bloodshed, so why don't you all hold a meeting together and try talking things out?"
"If everything could be solved by talking things out, we wouldn't need police." The Spy muttered.
"Soldier…" Medic called out. "Just shoot him in ze head and be done with it."
"Affirmative!"
The Peacemaker jerked back as three shotgun blasts were emptied into his skull. Several beams of light burst from his body before he exploded, leaving no remains behind much to Medic's disappointment.

The Soldier recovered from the shock of the explosion and resumed his rampage on the demonstrators. The rest of RED team watched as he chased them around the battlefield. "So what was that all about?" The Scout spoke after a while.
"I dunno." The Demoman drank deeply from his bottle of Scrumpy. "All I know is I'm calling it a day."
"What about the intel?"
"I think BLU's got the same idea." The Engineer pointed. Their enemies were heading back inside their base with the exception of their Soldier, who was running to join in on RED Soldier's killing spree.
"Indeed." The Spy ushered Scout toward the RED base. "Once they've had their fun, they can kill each other. Whoever's alive will be declared the winner." With that, the RED team began the walk back to base.
When they within a few paces of it, Engineer started. "Wait, the UFO!" He, Pyro and Medic turned and ran back to where they were. "No, I don't believe it…he went and turned it into scrap metal."
"Please tell me you can rebuild it!"
"Sorry Doc, no can do."
Even with the mask on, they could just see the tears in Pyro's eyes.