Long time lurker and first-time poster here. Call this a satire of some alarming things I've seen in this fandom and fanfiction writing in general. I'm not entirely sure as to what direction I want this to go in, to be quite honest. I'd love some feedback (flames, concrit, I don't care). I hope you guys will find this story funny, at least. ----- The Death of a Mary-Sue Engineer and Scout waited for the new recruit at the station in the sweltering summer heat of the Badlands. The Administrator had called the RED Base a few hours ago, informing them that they would be receiving a new member to their team. Which in itself was odd since none of the nine’s contracts had expired, no one was transferring bases, nor had anyone heard of an upcoming tenth class. Solid evidence of a tenth class, anyways. Rumors did occasionally float about, but nothing concrete had been presented. “Geez, dis is gonna take FOREVA.†Scout exclaimed impatiently. “You just hold yer horses, kid. The train’s gonna get here in a couple minutes.†Engineer replied, wiping sweat off of his brow. The heat wasn’t doing any wonders for the Engineer’s patience either. It may have been hot in the summer in central Texas, but this was ridiculous. He could feel every drop of sweat that trickled down his skin. “Yo, Engie. I’m gonna get another can of Bonk! out of the vending machine. You want some?†Engineer’s upper lip curled in disgust. “Scout, you know I don’t drink that sorry excuse for a beverage.†Scout raised his palms defensively. “Just askin’, man.†Engineer watched Scout practically sprint to the vending machines. The boy never was able to sit still. The shrill train whistle blew, and the locomotive came screeching to a halt as it belched out thick plumes of smoke. The wheels locked into place, and for the first few seconds, all was still. For whatever reason, Engineer’s gut began to churn. He had a bad feeling about this. Fear crept up his spine and goose bumps rose on his arms. Scout sprinted back to him, holding his can of Cherry Fission Bonk!, a frown on his face. “Do ya feel dat, Engie? Somethin’ bad’s gonna come outta dere.†He was oddly hushed for once. “Yeah. I feel it, too.†Attendants came forward to open the train car doors. Engineer pursed his chapped lips and clenched his fists in anxiety. A woman-- no, she was too young to be a woman-- a girl, stepped out from the passenger car, and let out a loud squeal before rushing at Scout in a flurry of pink and glitter. A scream of terror, equally as loud as the squeal wrenched its way out of Scout’s throat as he was tackled to the ground. Engineer stood dazed for a moment before looking at the spectacle before him. The girl was hugging Scout tightly, her arms like a vice grip on the poor boy. She was either letting out a babble of unintelligible words or still squealing, Engineer wasn’t sure. Her hair was pink, pulled into curly pig tails. Her eyes were two different colors: green and blue. Her skin was pale white, almost porcelain in color. She was wearing some kind of red sailor uniform with a miniskirt and knee-high boots with five-inch heels. A sword was clipped to a belt on her waist, and it looked like some kind of Asian sword. The very air around her seemed to be full of glitter. Engineer was dumbstruck. HQ sent some crazy sixteen year-old girl to fight? What was RED thinking? Articulate words and mish-mash were now being squealed from the girl. Scout was pinned underneath her, silent now, eyes wide in shock. “SCOUT-KUN! YOU ARE SO KAWAII SUGOI DESU! AND NOW YOU’RE MINE, AND WE’RE GONNA GO OUT AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE SO MANY BEAUTIFUL BABIES TOGETHER AND--†“Ma’am! Ma’am!†Engineer called, trying to get the girl’s attention off of Scout. The girl turned to Engineer, screeching with the full fury of hell itself: “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!†“You listen here, little miss,†Engineer began, his voice stern. “Just who in tarnation are you? Are you the one HQ sent or what?†She seemed to perk up at this. With a dazzling smile that flashed blinding white teeth, she stood up and turned to him. “I am Mikarukitakipockysakuraichigonaruto the fourth, or just Mika.†She giggled. “I’m the niece of Saxton Hale and Chyaku Norisu, and my mother is Marilyn--†“Miss. I just wanted to know who sent you, not yer damned life story.†Engineer interjected. “Yeah-- and what’s your class, ya crazy broad?†Scout asked, standing up. “RED sent me.†She replied, smiling. “I’m the new tenth class, the ninja.†She giggled again in that creepy doll laugh. Engineer and Scout exchanged dubious glances. This nut was the tenth class? This crazy, pink, sparkling, screaming doll of a girl? A sense of dread and revulsion passed over Engineer. If she acted like this with just him and Scout, he did not want to take her to the team. This had better be some kind of goddamn joke by HQ. When he got back to the base, he was going to give administration quite an earful.
Not bad, not bad. Let's see some more. :D
Not gonna lie. Most deconstruction of Mary Sue fics I've seen usually end up being just as terrible as the fics that they aim to make fun of. And even the good ones can cause a shitstorm. And quite honestly they're all pretty much just as formulaic as any self-insert fic is, so... Your move.
Heh heh heh, I can't wait to see what happens with the Ninja. I'm very curious as to whether she'll just be thrown off the team, or if she'll go through some character development first. And is she really Saxton Hale's niece (etc etc) or does she just have a vivid imagination? If so, what's the real story? Also, I wonder how Scout will be affected, since she's fixating on him the most. I find that there are a few times where you could combine dialogue and description together on the same line rather than separating them, e.g. Engineer’s upper lip curled in disgust. (removed newline) “Scout, you know I don’t drink that sorry excuse for a beverage.†(Also the next two lines with Scout, but I think that was pretty much it.) I quite liked how you had small actions and descriptions within the speech parts, e.g. Engineer replied, wiping sweat off of his brow.
I'm semi apprehensive about this. I do enjoy the idea, however, personally I like the subtler fics that make fun of Mary Sues. That said, do continue, I'd like to see where you go with this
Hilarious. Makes me feel dead inside because this is kind of how TF2 is treated at conventions. This isn't just a deconstruction of Mary-Sues, seems to be more about bad TF2 OC's in general. It's hitting the nail on the head for me, in a really sardonic way. I love it. Well-written, too. Yes please.
>>2 Thank you! >>3 I don't think there's going to be a shitstorm on here (but I may be wrong). I have seen very few bad stories in both /fanfic/ and /afanfic/, and none of them had anything close to this caliber of a Mary-Sue. >>4 All will be explained in due time. Thanks for the concrit, too! >>5 What I've noticed with some of the subtler fics is that some readers don't get the point. I want to make my message crystal-clear to everyone. >>6 That's why I'm making this. Because I am so tired of the attitude that a lot of "weaboos" have taken to this game. I am especially tired of characters like this: http://tierneyisling.Sparkledog Central.com/gallery/#/d4bfpp2 I mean, look at it. I know it's not as ridiculous as mine, but that OC wouldn't last 10 seconds on a battlefield. Thank you guys for reading and reviewing, I hope I will not disappoint you.
Thankfully, the ride from the station to the base was mostly uneventful. Engineer drove the two in his beat-up Ford pickup that rattled down the road. Scout refused to sit in the cabin with Engineer and Mika. He instead opted to sit in the truck bed, gripping onto the sides for dear life whenever the truck went through a pothole or over a bump. Mika managed to create a babble of disjointed conversation through the open back window to Scout, who only gave monosyllabic answers at best. She talked all the way from pulling out of the parking lot to pulling into the driveway. When the truck had stopped, Scout stood up and unceremoniously plopped Mika’s pink suitcase onto the ground. “SCOUT-KUN! You can’t do that to my luggage! I have important things in there!†She reprimanded. Scout only grunted in response. Engineer stepped out of the truck and made his way into the base before Mika did. He wanted to give the others a warning before she stepped in. Quickly, he walked through the hallways until he came into the den. Oddly enough, everyone was in there, paused in the middle of whatever they were doing. They had been staring at the entrance even before Engineer had opened the door. They all seemed tense. Even Demo, who was tightly gripping his bottle of Scrumpy. “Laborer.†Spy began. “Who ees ze new teammate?†There was an underlying sense of dread in his words, much like the dread both Engineer and Scout felt at the station. “It’s a girl-- a teenager.†“Quois?†Spy narrowed his eyes, his cigarette glowing a bright orange. “She’s something else.†Engineer admitted. “Y’all best be ready before she--†Engineer was cut off by a squeal as the door to the den behind him was flung open. There was Mika, in all her sparkling glory. Somehow, she convinced Scout to carry her luggage, and he trudged behind her, a deep scowl on his face. She rudely pushed her way past Engineer and into the center of the room, looking everyone over. “Konnichiwa! I am so happy to finally meet all of you! I hope we can all be best friends and beat the BLUs together, ne!†“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?†Soldier bellowed, pounding his fist on the table he was sitting at. “THIS HAD BETTER BE SOME KIND OF JOKE, MAGGOT.†His blue eyes looked pointedly at Engineer. “Solly, she said she was sent by HQ and--†“I DON’T CARE WHO SENT HER. THIS IS A WAR ZONE, PRIVATE. THIS ISN’T A PLACE FOR TEA PARTIES AND LITTLE GIRLS!†“I LOVE tea parties!†Mika interjected, completely oblivious to the point. This outburst seemed to make Soldier’s face turn a vibrant shade of red. Demoman cut through the tense atmosphere with a bellowing laugh. His face was turned into his palm, but Engineer could see a trickle of a tear coming down from the corner of his eye. It was like this whole debacle was the greatest joke in the world. “This-This LASSIE says she comes from HQ! And she’s going to fight in the WAR! This is feckin’ BRILLIANT! I ‘aven’t seen a good prank like this in AGES.†Demo was doubled over, laughter racking through his whole frame. “But I WAS sent by HQ.†Mika pouted. Demo laughed even harder, completely delirious. Tears welled up in Mika’s eyes, and she ran out of the room as she hiccupped a loud sob. She slammed the door behind her. Demo’s laughter devolved into quiet snickers before the room was completely silent. Something seemed to be bothering Heavy. His eyebrows were scrunched together, and a meaty finger tapped against his chin. Finally, he spoke. “What sick man send little girl to fight in war? She is still child. Should be with mater.†The group nodded, unsure of how they should deal with their new “teammate.†“Truckie, you’re on pretty good terms with the boss aren’t ya? I reckon that maybe you should talk to ‘er.†Sniper suggested. “Good terms with ze Administrator? Don’t be absurd, Bushman.†Spy retorted, letting out a puff of smoke. “I agree vith Herr Sniper. Zis is no place for ein fräulein.†Medic took off his glasses and polished the lenses on his shirt. “Hudda mrmph!†Pyro agreed, nodding his head. “IF YOU CAN’T CONVINCE HQ TO SHIP THIS PANSY OUT, I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET IT. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, MAGGOT?†Soldier roared. “Crystal clear, pardner.†Engineer replied, letting out a small huff of breath.
I liked it until this point: “I LOVE tea parties!†Mika interjected, completely oblivious to the point. Be careful not to over-do your satire to the point that the portrait no longer resembles the thing you're making fun of. This chick IS 16, and most 16 year olds don't have tea parties. More than that, most 16 year olds would know that was supposed to be an insult and take offense to it.