(or: The One Where Medic Gets Sick And Hilarity Ensues) Hello again, guys. Anon writer of "Man Down" here. I seem to have been assimilated into the hivemind of TF2chan, so I thought it was probably time I de-anon'd. It's probably going to be shorter and more bitty than "Man Down", but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless. And away we go! ======= It was a grim and grey Monday morning when Medic woke up ill. Of course, he didn’t realise it immediately, as there were more important things to be done. First there was the blind groping across the nightstand to silence the dreadful alarm clock, then the equally blind search for his glasses. Once the world was back in focus, it was time to get up. This was where it all went horribly wrong. The headache was less of a headache and more a controlled explosion inside his skull. The morning sunlight felt like acid poured over his eyeballs, and every bone in his body was stuffed with lead. In his fairly long and quite interesting life, Medic had been subject to a whole assortment of nasty illnesses, but this had to be the most vicious strain of influenza he’d ever encountered. Medic lay back down with a groan and tried unsuccessfully to bury himself under the bedclothes. ------- “Yo, fatso,†Scout said indistinctly around a mouthful of hash brown. “Where the hell’s the Doc?†Normally, Medic would have been up and about the base long before Scout himself, helping Pyro with the breakfast. His absence had produced some unfortunate side-effects. “Mumbles has burnt the freakin’ bacon. Again.†Pyro called something from the stove which could have been either an apology or a demand for Scout to shove the offending breakfast item somewhere uncomfortable; it was difficult to tell which. Heavy gave a non-committal shrug from across the table. “Don’t know. Have not seen Doktor today.†“The hell?†Scout swallowed loudly. “Oh man, he hasn’t kicked you out again, has he?†He laughed unkindly. “What’d you do this time? Mistake one of his birds for a sandwich?†“Nyet. Is not like dat.†Heavy’s reply was calm, but there was the distinct feeling that if Scout persisted, kicking would indeed occur and Scout would not find it very funny at all. “Was working. Last night Doktor says he is tired, did not want to disturb.†“Whatever. Aww geez, what’s up with these eggs?†Scout poked at his food, looking disgusted, until the passing Engineer delivered a much-needed cuff about the head with the day’s newspaper. “Be grateful y’all get any food at all, son,†Engineer said seriously. “There’s plenty folks out there as would be real happy to have them eggs. Someone oughta go check on ol’ Sawbones,†he added. “Ain’t like him to be late.†“I will go,†said Heavy quickly, standing up. Scout made a face at him and received a rather scarier one in return. “Freakin’ fruits,†he muttered at Heavy’s back, earning himself another smack from the newspaper. ------- Heavy found Medic cocooned in his sheets and shivering violently. He pressed a hand to the doctor’s forehead and was not terribly surprised to find he was running an almighty fever. “Doktor is sick.†“Really?†Medic croaked through chattering teeth. “How observant. I vould never have guessed.†“You need blankets, da?†“Bitte.†“And... medicine?†Medic rattled off an impossibly long tongue-twister of a word. Heavy frowned, then left, and returned shortly with a bundle of blankets, a piece of paper and a pen. “Write down, please?†And Medic did so, in the spidery scrawl painstakingly taught to doctors everywhere. So Heavy went off to search the erratically-organised infirmary, finally uncovering a very small container of mysterious white pills. He delivered them to Medic along with a glass of water, tucked the blankets around him, fussed with his hair and generally behaved like a broody mother hen. “You are behaving like a broody muzzer hen,†Medic muttered tiredly. “I sought zat vas my job.†“Someone needs to doctor Doktor,†said Heavy sagely. Medic grimaced and rolled his eyes. “You are really very silly sometimes.†“Da, Doktor.†Heavy pressed a kiss to the side of Medic’s mouth. “Vatever I have, now you have it too.†“Da, Doktor.†A chuckle and another kiss, to the other side this time. “Ach, you are hopeless.†Medic pushed him away weakly. “Now leave me in peace, you big, stupid bear,†he grumbled, but he was smiling as he said it, even if it was the smile of a man whose brain was threatening to dribble out of his skull via his sinuses. “Team will not like you staying in bed.†“Team vill do fine visout me,†said Medic with finality, turning over and pulling the blankets up over his head. “Gute Nacht.†And that was that.
Cute!
Influenza-captcha anon here to squee incoherently with delight. I love this!
This gives me warm feelings inside, can't wait for more.
Annie! I'm so glad you de-anoned! You're writing is so lovely. I don't care how long or short your stories are, they're really a pleasure to read.
Gunnerkrigg Court reference? I love your writing style! It reminds me of Douglas Adams. I think it's your amusing metaphors/similes.
>>6 Gunnerkrigg Court reference? Alas, I know not what this is! Enlighten me? And thank you! Adams is definitely one of my influences, after Pratchett.
>>7 Yeah I definately was reminded of Terry Pratchett, especially lines like: Pyro called something from the stove which could have been either an apology or a demand for Scout to shove the offending breakfast item somewhere uncomfortable; it was difficult to tell which.
>>8 I must say I agree. Somewhat related: I just could not stop laughing at this line: "Write down, please?" And Medic did so, in the spidery scrawl painstakingly taught to doctors everywhere.
I am tremendously happy you de-lurked.
This post has been deleted.
I really like this.
>>7 From this webcomic: http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=612 (Though my brief Google search reveals a song by the same name, which was probably where you got the phrase from.)
Aw, surly cranky impotent Medic is the best Medic. I also like Engineer as Team Papa. Eat your eggs, boy.
>>14 Ah, I see! But no, it is a reference to the Kate Rusby song, because I am an unrepentant folkie. Aaaaand there go all my cool points. Next chapter is in the works, people!
Cool points be damned. Annie, your words make me want want to draw flowers and happiness all over everything.
This makes me want to squee as loudly. I agree with the folks noting echoes of Pratchett and Adams. I love all your cast, but especially your Heavy, unflappable even when faced with a cranky sick Medic. Cannot wait to read more!
Annie, thank you! This was awesome. I will find you at expo and I will hug you.
>>19 Please do, I will love you.
>>20 I'm actually the femscoot, so watch out. Also, write moar.
Promise hugs, and ye shall receive! ----------- Predictably, the team did not react well when confronted with the news that they would be fighting without a doctor. “WHAT?!†Soldier’s enraged scream was almost as loud as the horrible noise his entrenching tool made as he slammed it onto the briefing room table. “This is UNACCEPTABLE. You tell that GOOSESTEPPING SISSY that if he does not report for duty like a MAN, I will PERSONALLY escort him STRAIGHT to the front line. With my BOOT. Which is on my FOOT. On account of how I will be KICKING him there!†“Damnit, Solly,†Engineer exclaimed. “If the Doc ain’t in a fit state to fight, that ain’t his fault.†“Agreed.†Spy leaned casually against the far wall, having already put the table between himself and Soldier. “We cannot expect ‘im to join us. ’e would be a liability on ze field.†“’old on there now, Spooky,†interjected Sniper, looking worried. “We go out there without Medic, we’re gonna get our arses kicked into next week. Better a sick doc than no doc at all, right?†Pyro produced a stream of enthusiastic but largely unintelligible syllables, accompanied by a lot of hand-waving. “I agree w’th’ lad,†Demo groaned, slumped over the table with his head on his arms. He did not enjoy mornings. Pyro looked frustrated, which was an impressive achievement given the mask. “Aww, c’mon, man, we can handle it.†Scout was perched on top of a filing cabinet, swinging his feet back and forth, with his heels thudding into the metal in a manner precisely calculated to cause maximum annoyance with minimum effort. “I mean, there’s only one of Doc, right? Can’t be that much different with no Doc.†“Gentlemen, the answer is obvious,†said Spy. “One of us must take ze Docteur’s place.†There was a stunned silence across the room, which Demo broke, having finally caught up with the conversation. “Yer jokin’!†“I never joke,†said Spy smoothly. “We need a docteur on ze field, but our Medic is indisposed. So, someone else must perform ‘is job.†“Dibs not me!†Scout piped up looking pleased with himself, having clearly outsmarted his teammates thanks to the ancient rules of Dibs. “Hah, sucks to be you guys!†Heavy raised one hand gingerly. “If it will help team, I will do dis.†Scout snickered. “Seriously?! You gonna wear the coat and the glasses too? Oh man, we’ll win for sure, the freakin’ REDs’ll be laughin’ too hard to fight!†“You even know how to work the gun?†asked Sniper. Heavy shrugged. “Of course. I show Doktor my gun, he shows me his. Is sharing. Even let him touch, sometimes.†“Aww geez. Did not need those images, man.†“Leetle Scout has very dirty mind,†Heavy observed, sounding more amused than annoyed. “But I can help team like dis.†“Now, hold yer horses there,†Engineer said. “We can’t afford t’ lose the fire-power. Better someone that don’t fight on th’ front line. Heck, I’ll do it if no-one else will.†“I was thinking of ze bushman,†said Spy casually. Sniper looked aghast. “Me?! Why should it be me?†“Because, my dear convict, you do nozzing.†Spy blew a lazy smoke ring in Sniper’s direction and continued. “You sit up in your little nest from ze first siren to ze last. Occasionally you deign to involve yourself in ze battle. It is ‘igh time you contributed to ze team.†“Oh yeah?!†Sniper stood up angrily, and was only stopped from doing something Spy might regret by Heavy’s hand on his shoulder. “Since when do you contribute, eh? When was the last time you got in a proper fight? All you do is swan around in that fancy suit stabbing people when their backs are turned! You’re a bloody coward, is what you are!†“Clearly you do not recognise ze skill required to do my job efficiently. Zat is a shame. But don’t worry, I’m sure zat acting as our Medic will not be too challenging for you. I am sure zat even you can work out which way to point ze medigun.†“OI! Now look ‘ere, mate-“ “SILENCE, MAGGOTS!†roared Soldier, and Sniper and Spy both shut their mouths, mostly out of surprise. “YOU.†He jabbed his shovel in Sniper’s direction. “You will do the DUTY that the KRAUT PANSY cannot do. There will be NO DISCUSSION.†Sniper’s face creased into a scowl. Spy looked suitably smug, until Soldier turned the shovel on him. “And YOU will do it if he turns out to be CRAP, which I expect he WILL. Is that UNDERSTOOD?†The smug look slid off Spy’s face. “I will remember this,†he said tersely. Soldier looked unimpressed, or presumably he looked unimpressed but with the helmet covering most of his face it was a tough call. “Come on, Stretch,†said Engineer in a cheery tone. “It won’t be for too long. Might even be fun!†“Why can’t it be someone else?†Sniper demanded. “I mean, why can’t Demo do it?†Engineer looked down at the table, where the Scot was now snoring audibly. “Well, Ah can’t speak for all y’all, but Ah’d prefer t’ trust my life t’ someone who don’t blow themselves up on a reg’lar basis.†Sniper looked around the room at the expectant faces and threw his hands up in defeat. “Fine! I’ll play Doc. Just don’ go expecting miracles.†“Sniper is team player!†Heavy clapped him on the shoulder hard enough to buckle his knees. “Come, I show you how gun works, so we will be ready for battle.†Sniper reluctantly allowed himself to be steered away by the overenthusiastic Russian. He had a feeling he was going to regret this very soon.
“Dibs not me!†Scout piped up looking pleased with himself, having clearly outsmarted his teammates thanks to the ancient rules of Dibs. “Hah, sucks to be you guys!†Amazing. Oh Scout. Of course you outthunk them all. “Of course. I show Doktor my gun, he shows me his. Is sharing. Even let him touch, sometimes.†Ohohohoho I bet you do, Heavy. Love the Sniper-Spy squabbling and looking forward to seeing them both nonce around ineffectually on the battlefield with the Medigun. Definitely looking forward to MOAR.
IT WORKED. I approve of this tomfoolery.
Very funny and very well-written. I really like it, and I hope you post the next chapter soon :)
oh lord Soldier you are amazing. This story is amazing.
Aww, I wanted Heavy to be Medic...
BUMP! Nah, I'm kidding, it's an update. An exceptionally short one, but it's 1.40am, the party over the road has finally shut up and now I need to go to bed. Plus, the next part should be quite lengthy, so it balances out. I haven't forgotten about this story, my evenings are just very busy. ------ Given the state of mild chaos in which Medic kept the rest of the infirmary, it was something of a surprise for Sniper to discover that all of the doctor’s equipment was neatly stored in a locked cabinet, clean and well-maintained. Unfortunately, it seemed like putting it to use might be harder than expected. “Crikey!â€Sniper dumped the medigun onto the examination table with a thump. “Weighs a ton!†“If Doktor can carry, so can you,†said Heavy firmly, setting the needlegun and bonesaw down with rather more care. “We’ll see about that, I guess.†Sniper looked down at the mess of wires and dials with no small amount of trepidation. It looked far more complicated up close than it did through the scope of a rifle. “Right, now I’ve seen the Doc work this, you just push down the lever like this...†Absolutely nothing happened. Sniper pushed down the lever again, and nothing defiantly continued to happen. “Helps if you turn on.†Heavy flipped the switch on the base of the gun with a wry grin and the contraption gave out a low hum. Sniper looked appropriately sheepish as Heavy pointed out the other important parts. “Ubercharge meter here, switch here. Easy, da?†“Easy for the Doc, I bet.†“Doktor is very smart, is true,†agreed Heavy, and while he was obviously teasing there was a note of genuine admiration in there too. “But you are smart also!†He gave Sniper what was probably supposed to be a reassuring pat on the back but felt more like an attempt to dislocate his shoulder. “Will do good, I t’ink. Now, I must go see Doktor is well. I see you in battle!†“Reckon you worry about him too much, mate.†Sniper said as he watched him leave. Heavy paused at the door, looking uncharacteristically serious. “He worries always about me. Is only fair.†As he turned to go, he added cheerfully, “Is good idea if you wear coat, I t’ink!†Alone with the medigun and a growing dread, Sniper cast about for Medic’s coat, which turned out to have been thrown carelessly over the back of a chair. Although it could not have been there for more than twelve hours, he had to shake a considerable amount of grime and two very annoyed doves out of it before he could put it on. Grimly, he suited up for what could prove to be the most humiliating working day of his life.
This is awesome. I really like it, I can't really pinpoint why. There are a lot of reasons, I like how its written for sure, and its to-the-point but not short at the same time. And I'm a sucker for a sick teammate getting some assistance by a team (reluctant or not or both). And there are little things that are just funny. I laughed hard at Engie doing the whole "Clean your plate 'cause there are starving kids" spiel. Childhood right there. And the last bit with the coat had me laugh too. I hope you keep it up, I'm definitely looking forward to more.
and nothing defiantly continued to happen. Priceless.