How many times has this happened to YOU? You're online doing something when your child \ little sibling \ kid you're babysitting is BORED and wants to hear a story! By law, you can't read them one of the sexy stories you spend HOURS A DAY reading, so what are you to do? Introducing TwoRefined's Thread of Child-Safe Stories - a thread that's full of stories that are relatively short and COMPLETELY PORN-FREE! "Wow!" you say. "But are they any good?!" POSSIBLY! Scientific studies show that somewhere around 60% or more of the readers of TwoRefined's Thread of Child-Safe Stories are somewhat satisfied! INCREDIBLE! It has no porn, and yet it is slightly interesting to read! Implausible, yes, but impossible, no! So step right up and give TwoRefined's Thread of Child-Safe Stories a try today! DISCLAIMER: TwoRefined is NOT responsible for any permanent brain damage due to topics that somehow tend to fall between the categories of PG and XXX. Remember - absence of porn does not specify topics that are safe for children's young, soft little brains. Read to your children at your own discretion, however, anyone over 14 years of age that is not a total wimp should be perfectly fine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, silliness aside. I'll go ahead and say that most of my works are 18+. Mostly because of laziness - ask anyone and I'm sure they'll agree that writing mature fics are a lot easier because you don't have to strain to censor yourself, and the goal is easily reached: "And then <hurp> and <durp> had sex." Blamo. Half the battle. But on the off-chance that I just end up making something really silly, fun, short, and not offensive to anyone (for the most part!), I'll put it up here. Hope you enjoy! HURP
Dream Girls It was a sleepy, uneventful morning in the BLU fort. Pyro was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast every morning as custom, humming some muffled melody to itself. Half of the crew was trickling into the dining room for Soldier’s mandatory breakfast report time of 0800 sharp. He didn’t mind that all of them were in their pajamas – at least not for the moment. As long as they were in ship-shape half an hour later. Among the stragglers were Demoman (who was getting over a head splitting hangover), Heavy, Engineer, and Medic (who surprisingly rarely woke up earlier than he needed to). All were dressed in the standard sleep-wear – black sweatpants and a loose, white tee-shirt with their team logo on the front and their symbols on the sleeves. Soldier and Scout woke up early to take morning jogs while it was still cool out, which was that only reason Scout would ever wake up before noon. Sniper was always fully dressed – aviators and all – before breakfast because it apparently was one of his “standards†as a professional. He was sitting at one end of the table with only his standard mug of decaf and a newspaper. And as for Spy and Pyro… Well, no one ever saw them underdressed. As Pyro went around the table, handing out breakfast to everyone who’d been late arriving, Spy couldn’t help but glance around the table. There was rarely any conversation during meals – the team would eat as if it were their duty, and leave as soon as they were done. The in-team relationships of BLU were, at best, passable, at worst, on the verge of falling to pieces. After a moment’s hesitation, Spy cleared his throat, and broke the silence with a, “I know I’ll probably regret asking zis later, but I’ve been wondering about all of your various tastes in women.†He shrugged, sipping on some tea. “Call it morbid curiosity.†There was a pause as everyone glanced around the table, wondering what had brought on the unwarranted question. It was Heavy who answered first. The big man broke out in a wide grin and answered, “Red hair is very attractive. Also, I like big vimen. Much chest and buttocks.†For some reason, the atmosphere around the table relaxed, and many of the men smiled in return. “A chubby chaser, huh big guy?†Scout piped up, mouth full with pancakes and eggs. “Da.†“Well you know what?†Scout chugged down a glass of milk, and grinned back at him. “I’ve always wanted t’bang a black chick, m’self. Wha’d’ya say, Demo – got any tips for me?†Demoman choked on the coffee he was nursing to ease his throbbing hangover, and snarled across the table at the cheeky little vermin. Scout had his mouth stuffed again, and was looking away innocently as he chewed, knowing full well the awkward situation he’d put Demo in, and knowing that Demo KNEW he knew, and not caring one bit. The conspicuous snickers he’d earned from Soldier and Heavy only served to convince him that his passive taunt towards Demo would be well worth the busted lip later. Demoman was looking as if he’d jump across the table and strangle Scout at any moment, so Engineer quickly broke in to defuse any violence at the table. “I don’t want nothin’ special from a lady – just someone I could talk to n’ grow old with n’ raise a family with—†“OH, SCREW THAT LOVEY-DOVEY BULLSHIT!†Soldier interrupted suddenly, making the entire table jump out of their skin. “HEY, SALLY – I THINK YOU FORGOT YOUR TAMPONS AT HOME IN YOUR FLOWERY LADY PURSE FOR LADIES AND WOMEN.†He beat his chest defiantly with a roar. “I AM A MAN! A MAN, DAMN IT!!! ALL I WANT IS A WOMAN WITH BIG BREASTS AND A CAR FULL OF MONEY AND RIBS THAT ADMIRES ME AND TELLS ME HOW SPECTACULAR I ALREADY KNOW I AM!!!†“Yo, I agree with Solly, yo,†Scout piped up. Pyro, hearing laughter and voices, peered into the dining room. “Mmmnh?†“Hey, Pyro! Hey, Pyro!†Scout yelled, motioning him over. “What kinda girl are YOU into, huh?†Pyro perked up, and clapped its hands together, the rubber making soft squelching noises. “Mmhhrmhrrrrm! Mmnnmdnffr rmmhmmmn hmmmhrrnnfrnndr! Mmmnnfdhhh mhhhhmmmmdrhhh!†It giggled gleefully at its own joke. Scout just stared blankly. “… Jeez, man. I thought you were classier than that.†Pyro shrugged. “AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, SPY?†Soldier demanded in his loud, grating voice. “AS THE MAN WHO INITIATED THIS CONVERSATION, YOU SHOULD DAMN WELL CONTRIBUTE TO IT. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A WOMAN???†Spy just waved his hand dismissively, a lit cigarette grasped loosely between his fingertips. “Oh, now, you can’t expect a gentleman like myself to kiss and tell, can you?†“Pffftb,†Scout scoffed. “You know what they call that in MY language, Frenchie? Le bull-SHIT. You guys remember that one time he got some from that Brazilian chick?†“Aye, I do!†Demoman snickered, pouring some scrumpy into his cup. “Spoi couldn’t shu’ up aboot it for more’n’a fortnight!†Spy coughed, face going bright red, and loosened his tie. “Yes, well…†he muttered, trying to save face in the midst of his teammates’ laughter. Even the usually-stoic Sniper cracked a smile. Without looking over his newspaper, he contributed with a, “I’d love t’have a Sheila that would rub her hair all over me so that I’d have her scent. And then, every night before I’d go to bed, she would rub my stomach and call me a special snowflake, and would suck on my feet and clean the dirt between my toes with her tongue.†He expected a few chuckles, and maybe a confirmation of some sort. When it didn’t come, he blinked, and peered up over his glasses, lowering the paper so that he could see. His entire team was staring at him, mouths agape and eyes the sizes of saucers. Their faces varied from the crimson red of Medic’s cheeks to the pale white of Heavy’s face, to even the alarming off-yellow Engineer was sporting. Spy’s cigarette plopped into his cup of tea. Suddenly, Sniper was on his feet so fast, his chair fell out from behind him. “WOT TH’BLOODY ‘ELL’S YOUR PROBLEMS, EH?!†His left hand pounded furiously on the table while his right hovered dangerously over his kukri. And suddenly the entire table was empty, save for the chairs tipped over haphazardly and the abandoned plates of half-eaten food. And one extra member in particular. Medic had a wide, unsettling grin plastered all over his flushed face. He sidled up to Sniper coyly, eyes glinting with something downright terrifying. He thumbed the sharp edge of the stunned bushman’s knife, looking directly up into his eyes. “Herr… Sniper…†he purred, seeming as if he had to catch his breath for some reason. “Das ist… WUNDERBAR.†“Uh…†Sniper took a cautious step back. “… Yeah. Okay, Doc, I’m leavin’ – see ya later.†Medic spent the entire battle that day pocketing Sniper. No one quite had the guts to say anything. Not even Soldier. DAS ENDE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So I know what you're thinking. "Ah, man! Sniper's fetish isn't nearly THAT bad!" In my opinion, that says more about you than it does about Sniper. Just sayin'. Especially considering how casually he said it - like he considered that to being into women with red hair or something. A lot of people have strange fetishes, but few would be brave enough to discuss them over a meal like it's no big deal. Like, "Oh, you like blondes? Well, I like women that scent-mark me. Crazy, huh!"
As Spy said the question, I died laughing because of the awkwardness, and read on. When Sniper said...just..anything...I had to leave the computer and laugh, and when I came back, I started laughing again and had to leave again. These are great, keep 'em coming!
Hey, Sniper preferences... What are important to my interest “Isp’d love t’have a Sheila that would rub her hair all over me so that I’d have her scent. My interest >And then, every night before I’d go to bed, she would rub my stomach and call me a special snowflake Still my interest >and would suck on my feet and clean the dirt between my toes with her tongue.†Aaand you lost me there. Like completly. But i´m no dreamwoman, so whatever :D
Really now, you should have known better than to not censor Pyro! I thought this was a childrens' story, and you let that filth in! For shaaaaame!
>>5 Oh, god! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! HAVE HAVE I DOOOONE?! The lolies will never forgive me! They'll hate me forever! My career as a Chuck E. Cheese DJ is RUINED!
I literally fell off my bed laughing. Spy is just priceless and OH MY GOD MEDIC. I just- I- I love you, man.
I love you, too, #7. I LOVE YOU, TOO. Also, was having a bit of a writer's block for one of my other stories. STRESS RELIEF. Enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Meet the Team’s New Hobby When BLU Scout walked in the kitchen, there was a solid two minute period where he honestly didn’t know what he was looking at. “… Hey, uh, Sniper?†“Yeah?†“… Da hell are you doin’ on top of the fridge, man?†“‘S called ‘planking’, ya little ankle biter.†“Oh. Okay.†Scout proceeded to get a glass of milk and Heavy’s sandvich from the fridge, and was already seated at the table before it fully registered that his question hadn’t been answered. “… Wait, what?†Sniper gave a long, weary sigh similar to the one Scout’s mom gave that one time he asked why her hair was suddenly ten times the size of her head in middle school. “Plankin’, mate. It’s an Aussie thing. Ya go up on somethin’ strange an’ lie down on it like ya were a piece of wood.†Scout stared at him like he’d grown a second head. “… WHY?†“BECAUSE, THAT’S WHY,†Sniper snapped irritably. “That’s probably th’stupidest thing I heard in my entire life!†Scout continued. “And I used ta bunk wit’ Solly, man! What the HELL?!†“Oh sod off, ya little wanka,†Sniper sighed again, rolling his eyes. “I knew ya wouldn’t get it. It’s too extreme for a little tyke like you, anyway.†Scout snarled. “Whoa, what’s this about it bein’ EXTREME?! Hate ta break it to ya, pal, but there’s nothin’ EXTREME about pretendin’ to be a damn seesaw!†“Shows how much you know,†Sniper scoffed. “I heard a bloke died doin’ it a little while back.†Scout couldn’t hide his surprise. “Jesus! Really?!†“Yeah. Bloke was plankin’ on a balcony way high up on a buildin’. Lost ‘is balance and fell to ‘is death. It was all over the news.†“Whoa, man… That’s heavy…†Scout paused. For some reason, the thing that he’d seen as a stupid craze now seemed like a glorious work of art, carefully treading the line between an honorable death of a real pioneer and glorious recognition and accomplishment if he succeeded the dangerous feat. “So it’s called plankin’, huh?†Another pause. “Can I try it?†“You’re a little young for it, but sure. Just don’t go dyin’ after hours. Y’know how she hates that.†Scout grinned. “SWEET!†He scampered off to see if there were any other good planking grounds on the base. And so it began.
>>8 Haha, and the BLUs wonder why the REDs think they're crazy.
>>8 He did that just to ensure some peace and quiet for everyone else, didn't he.
is there going to be any more of this?
I have to say, both of these were pretty funny.