[Warning: I reckon there will be a lot of built up. This won't be for the short of patience, but I'm hoping it will make any pay off this leads to all the more sweeter. Critique is awesome and most welcome!] --- "I'm tellin' ya, Solly. It was prolly jus' some varmint that went an' tripped one of the perimeter sensors." Several strides ahead of Engineer was the ever vigilant Soldier, armed with a shovel and not dissuaded from his present course around the base perimeter. "That is just what those maggots want you to think! They cannot fool me! If there was ever an optimal time for a preemptive strike, it would be NOW!" "You an' I both know that in all our years of work, neither side ain't ever been authorized t' make a move once the siren's sounded fer the night." "Exactly! They expect us to not expect them!" There was a tired sigh. "Do y'even listen to yerself?" Soldier didn't reply, having gone far enough ahead to be just out of earshot. Where he found all this energy was a mystery, but Engineer was dog-tired. "Figures," he muttered to himself as he leaned his shoulder against the base of the water tower. At least the sun was setting. The heat of the day was dissolving into the coming night, bringing with it a light breeze from the shifting air. Engineer watched the sun dip lower in the sky for a moment before his thoughts were interrupted by, who else, but the Soldier. "HEY!" Soldier came storming back. "I brought you on this mission for back-up! NOT to sit around on your ass!" "It was a looong day, son." The stout man did not budge. "I didn't even get t' sit down fer five minutes before you pulled me out here t' chase after jackalopes." "How the hell are YOU tired?!" Soldier was close enough to jab a finger right into the Engineer's chest. It had enough force to make the Texan lose his balance. "You spent the whole goddamn day sitting behind your little toys!" The irritation on Engineer's face was highlighted by the red light of the setting sun as he swiped away the Soldier's hand. "If you folks on offense coulda coordinated a strategy that was more than jes' runnin' in guns a-blazin', maybe I wouldn't've been stuck at my sentry the whole time! Thanks t' you fellas, that Spah was havin' a field day!" "I do not know what your problem is, but you had better get your goddamn head out of your ass or so help me I will do it for you and YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT!" "Mah ass?!" Patience was at a breaking point. "I ain't the one walkin' around like I got a stick up mine all day fer every day of the week." With that, Engineer pushed himself off the steel beam and headed back in the direction of the living quarters. "DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!" Soldier roared. "I HAVE NOT AUTHORIZED YOU TO LEAVE!" "I tell you what, Solly..." Engineer stopped in his tracks, turning enough to look back at the enraged Soldier. Jaw clenched and eyes obsured by his goggles, the crease on Engineer’s brow was one of intense frustration. "I've played along with yer games fer years now. When I first came aboard, the fellas tol' me not t'bother with ya cause you were off yer rocker." "WHICH ONE OF THOSE MAGGOTS SAID THAT?!" "Hush now, that don't matter right this instant. Mah point is that instead of doin' the practical thing, I decided t' befriend ya 'cause nobody on this Earth deserves t' be all by his lonesome." "WHO SAYS I'M ALONE?!" "Jesus, Solly, could ya shut yer trap fer one goshdarn minute?!" By that point, Engineer had turned all the way around to face the Soldier. "An' fer yer information, a man's gotta be purdy lonely t' have tea parties with cardboard cut-outs and a shovel!" "YOU LEAVE THE BOYS OUT OF THIS!" "Face it, Solly, I'm the only one you got out here. I'm the only one who understands ya half the time. I took a chance on ya, an' gave up any kinda normal life outside this base t' be with ya. But no matter how much I give up, it ain't enough, is it? You still take any chance ya can get t' shit on me and I'm tired of it! Ya hear me? I'm done!" "THAT'S CRAZY TALK!" "Ha! This comin' from the fella with more than jus' a few screws loose!" Soldier was quick to close the distance between himself and his teammate, going so far as to grasp the straps of Engineer's coveralls. Out of instinct with his adrenaline high, Engineer spun around, his fist connecting to the square jaw of the Soldier. "Git yer hands off'a me!" His teammate reeled back only a few steps before regaining his balance. "Still got some fight in ya," Soldier said with a smirk across his face. It was the same blood-thirsty smirk he wore before battle each day. Despite its familiarity, it didn't make it any less unsettling. "If yer expectin' me t' fight ya, I'm afraid yer gonna be mighty disappointed." Engineer was still shaking off the sting in his knuckles from the first punch. It had been a while since he'd had to use his hands. "Too bad, cowboy," the Soldier declared as he raised his shovel into an attack stance. "Because if you want to live, YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE!" [To be continued]
Uh oh! I'm really excited to see what happens next, but I hope it won't be anything tragic! Can't wait for an update!
Holy fuck, this is the best thing to happen in forever! But please do tell me, how am I ever going to get any work done on my own stories when I'm stuck glued to this thread and hitting F5 every 30 seconds?! I love your characterisations! You got Soldier and Engie nailed spot-on, and I'm in awe of how you write their dialogue. Engie's accent is perfect, and the way they argue is very realistic - I could literally hear their voices in my head as I read along. I don't know if you're looking for any kind of constructive criticism on this, but the one thing I can find to mention is that it might be nice with a tiny bit more descriptive narration. Then again, your dialogue is so perfect that no further descriptions are actually necessary; there's never any doubt who's talking or how they're sounding, whether tired, exasperated, or angry - your choice of words is so precise that anything else is simply not needed. That's pretty damn impressive. I can't write dialogue worth a tenth of this. In short, I am in love with this fic from the first post and already on the edge of my seat for more. Thank you so much for sharing!
Time for me to pitch a tent and get ready for some long-term camping then, because I want to read more!
I... shouldn't let this suck me in. I've got so much to do, but hell if I'm not intrigued. Please, continue to you zombie audience, we implore you!
>>3 While the 'script' as it were was fine, I kind of felt like the Engineer's accent was too exaggerated; though he's Texan and he has an accent, the excessive use of contractions made him 'sound' a bit too yokel-ish to me. I've always found that less is more when trying to add details like a patois to dialogue; you don't to clip every "you're", "to" or "the" to remind us that the character is the Engineer, after all.
I love this! It's great to see a realistic arguement between them and to address the biggest potential problem behind the loveliness that is Helmet Party; the simple fact that Soldier probably isn't the most considerate or affectionate lover out there and that Engineer has to put up with a lot if he wants to love the man. I'm all a tingle to find out how things go. I'm eager to see them together, of course, but this is a good excuse for some understanding to develop on Soldier's end, hopefully. If not, a bittersweet separation would still be a joy to read. I'm on the fence as far as Yang's suggestion went. When I was reading it, the accent didn't bother me any. I always feel awkward whenever I write accents and I personally only apply it to a few words at a time. On one hand, I love consistency (it feels inconsistent to only apply the accent half the time, even though people sometimes talk that way too, I think) but on the other hand there is always the worry about readability. Finding the happy medium between isn't easy and I tend to err on the side of whether or not the meaning will still come across how I wanted. Damn near every word that can be spoken could be finagled into something nearly illegible if it attempted to look like how it'd be spoken. Chile, for instance, is awkward since child when presented as chil' doesn't describe the sound (people might assume it sounds like chill) but then chile (or chyle) looks like a completely different word and not what it is meant to describe. Then there's instances where over sounds more like ovah but it looks odd and simply shortening it to ove' doesn't get across the ah sound, even though either might be acceptable. I usually don't worry about how folksy someone sounds but then the only accent I have experienced with frequency (particularly more often in real life) would be Southern. Then again I'm not from anywhere really rural and I'm in the northern most area of the South. So I read it just fine and it didn't sound off to me but I'm by no means good at judging how heavy an accent is unless I'm actually hearing it. Then again, I write wonky accents so I'm probably not the best judge of such things and I really can't give advice. What I'm saying is, I'm not sure if this is a YMMV thing and I think others should comment if they have an opinion as it's an important thing to know about and I might learn from it too.
Oh, I forgot to add earlier! One of the things that bugs me but that isn't a big deal. Coveralls aren't the same as overalls. Overalls are what Engie wears. Coveralls have sleeves attached and open up in the front like a shirt.
>>8 This is a regional thing, I think. Here in the south of the UK, overalls are the things with sleeves that open in the front, and what Engie wears are dungarees (and "coverall" doesn't get used at all). In other news, I am excite for updates! It's nice to see Engie standing up to Solly's crazy for a change.
I probably did mean overalls, actually, so I'll chalk it up to a spelling error that was easily missed. I'll see about scaling back Engie's accent a bit with less contractions for the rest of the story. My one defense is that I do sort of write in a "script" format. Lengthy, frivolous description beaten out of me while I studied cinema-making, so it's unnatural for me to be super descriptive in my writing. I was taught and strongly believe in economy of words to express a point. But I will definitely try to remain aware of that so as not to leave you guys wondering what's going on. Thanks a ton guys!
Please don't forget about this!