1 . Name: Dove the Unoriginal @ 2011-09-07 18:40

This is bullshit. There will be porn later and some of it will involve Stephen Colbert. That is all.


Between a Hundred and Infinity Dollars



The Powers That Be at BLU HQ had sent the BLU Soldier another classified letter. This time, instead of requisitioning another missive to be placed on those punch-card tube machines they were always talking about, there was a formal invitation to meet with the anchor of some news show he'd never heard of. Included with that was a letter from the Administrator that implied it was mandatory but which also requested his help in convincing the BLU Medic to be the first interviewee. If the Medic agreed, the Heavy and the Soldier would both be allowed to watch.

The BLU Soldier had no idea why he should give two shits about that. Maybe they were worried the news anchor was secretly an enemy spy and they wanted some back-up for the Medic. Perhaps the Soldier was going to be part of a covert operation (very covert, if they were asking the Soldier instead of the Spy) to steal this Stephen Colbert's secrets?

The BLU Soldier stood there, scratching his head under the helmet, as he read both pieces of paper several times over. He finally stuffed them both back into the envelope and shoved it inside his right belt bag, before picking up the hefty cardboard box that had come with it and testing its contents like a Christmas present. The faint scraping and rattling didn't help to identify much. In the end, he pulled out the pocket knife he kept in his left belt bag. He only ever used it for utility, like on this God forsaken tape they'd covered the whole thing in. Inside was some kind of black metal box and three little plastic hollow books containing the tiniest records he'd ever seen. Also, the only silver records he'd ever seen.

The supposed English on it defied his understanding. The first one had a handwritten number one and printed on it was what had to be their classified code-name, DVD+R DL 8.5 GB. Clearly it was a really good secret code because he didn't understand it one bit. Ugh, even the full words on it didn't make sense. Double Layer? Verbatim? Maybe that meant it was unedited recordings, from phone conversations or the radio show, and the hidden meanings needed to be found by the Soldier! Yes, that had to be it.

What boggled his mind more was the note attached, written by hand but unsigned, which apologized for not having cassette versions. The unknown writer assumed he'd be more accustomed to those. Obviously this was something he was supposed to be able to listen to but he poked the black machine's knobby bits a few times and nothing happened.

“ENGIE!” the BLU Soldier yelled, as he stormed into the workshop, “THOSE SADISTS AT HEADQUARTERS SENT ME SOMETHING THAT DEFIES ALL LOGIC! UNDEFY IT FOR ME!”

The BLU Engineer jolted upright, from leaning over chunks of scrap with a welding torch, as the BLU Soldier dropped the cardboard box with a thunk beside the man's tinkering. Engie turned off the eye-searing flame and tilted his nose up with a faint but familiar sneer. The BLU Engineer was his friend (with benefits...) but the Southerner made no bones about being pissed off when someone interrupted him for reasons he thought less than fitting for his expertise. Like fixing the toilet, for instance.

“DON'T give me that look!” the Soldier snapped, “YOU know the most about these infernal things.”

The Soldier pointed a finger accusingly at the Engineer, as if all confusing machines were his doing. At any given BLU base most of them were. The Engineer pushed his goggles up onto his forehead before resting his broad chin in one hand and using the welding torch to gesture loosely at the box.

“Ah don't even know where this came from! How am I supposed to know what it is?”

“I TOLD you where it came from! Look, it plays music! Or speeches. Maybe both. It could be stolen RED intelligence! All I know is it's something auditory and it IS important!”

“Uh huh.”

The Engineer rolled his eyes but he'd hear the Soldier out. He always did. That was one of the reasons the Soldier liked him.

The BLU Soldier handed him the unmarked containers, each holding their own odd treasure of shining, unmanly as hell, miniature, clearly spy-like records. The BLU Engineer blinked as he looked them over before opening the one on top. He whistled softly and pulled the record out, by pushing in the button at the hole in the middle (Soldier hadn't thought of that) and threading his finger through the hole. The Engineer gently turned it side to side, then stared hard at something he'd noticed on the one side that glistened like a rainbow every time it moved under the light. The Soldier simply shuddered, now suddenly riddled with doubt. What kind of womanly horror was this? These things were tiny sparkling disco-balls masquerading as records!

“Oh! Oh, now that is clever,” the Engineer murmured, “Those are the tiniest grooves I've ever seen.”

He gestured to the Soldier, with the record still perched on his fingers like a mechanical nightingale, and grinned.

“Mister, you have piqued my curiosity! Let's see what I can do,” the Engineer said.

The Engineer put the record back, handed the containers to the Soldier, and set to pulling the black box out of the cardboard, giving it a closer look. The Soldier promptly, as soon as he was sure the Engineer was preoccupied and wouldn't notice him consorting with such an unmanly device, pushed the little button to pick up the shiny record himself. He grunted when it didn't seem to work and pushed HARDER. Something snapped and saw that the button was really a series of plastic teeth currently biting down on his finger after he'd broken two of them off. The Engineer looked up sharply at the sound and then chuckled when he realized it wasn't the record that had broken.

The Soldier grumbled to himself as he shoved his finger into the hole and held the record firmly in his fingers, like the Engineer had done. He glared at it, daring it to keep its secrets hidden while the Engineer was his ally.

That's right! He had TEAMWORK! To hell with solving complex machinery by himself! HAH! Take THAT mysterious black box!

He was also impatient. He quickly loomed over the shorter Engineer's shoulder as he grimaced with fierce anticipation, watching him prod, stroke, and otherwise fondle the thing.

“Stop hoverin', son. Gimmie some breathin' space,” the Engineer muttered, “Hmmm. Well, all the bits on the outside of 'er chassis look a' right to me. Lets plug 'er in and see what sort o' noise she makes.”

The Soldier straightened up.

“...Plug it in,” the Soldier murmured.

The Engineer blinked, then chuckled as he glanced over his shoulder. The Soldier huffed, straightened up, and wished his helmet obscured the fact his cheeks were hot from embarrassment. He would have thought of that except he was in too much of a hurry! The Engineer turned back to the outlet that was a part of his workspace and before long, lights and numbers showed up in little rectangles on the front. The Engineer pushed some buttons until one of them popped out a secret compartment. They grinned at each other and the Engineer nudged the Soldier with his elbow.

“You do the honors.”

“Yes, sir!”

The Soldier placed the silver record into the tray, in the circular opening that was obviously meant for it, and then waited. When nothing happened, the Engineer pushed on it and the compartment went back in. They stood there, straining to hear anything, when the Engineer slapped his temple.

“Land sakes! I forgot we needed speakers! Yer rubbin' off on me,” the Engineer accused.

“I haven't touched you!” the Soldier said, “Unless...?”

The Soldier sidled up to his friend. The Engineer snorted at the Soldier's slowly growing grin and slapped the Soldier's ass smartly, making that two slowly growing things, but then the Engineer shook his head. Damn!

“Maybe later. I'm not through with this little filly yet! I think I have an old pair of speakers around here somewhere. Then I might see my way to somethin' else.”

The Soldier grumbled, wondering if he should be more assertive about his needs or about BLU's needs. He was considering his own more clearly but then he remembered the letters and how, maybe, they could be important. Eager to share, he rushed over to the pile of shameless junk the Engineer was sitting on and digging through, shoving the envelope roughly into the Engineer's face.

“USE YOUR COLLEGE MOJO AND THIS WILL MAKE IT GO FASTER MAYBE!”

The Engineer took it, glancing the envelope over, before aiming a skeptical glance at the Soldier.

“...At findin' mah speakers?”

“At learning how to make it work!”

The Engineer shrugged to himself, pulled the letters out, and began reading. He paused several times to frown at the Soldier and then looked up, eyes narrowed, halfway through the second letter.

“If it weren't for that strange data storage doohickey, I'd say you were pullin' my leg. Actually, I still might say that. You always find the weirdest Goddamn shit lyin' around, no matter WHERE we're stationed. It's like a weirdness... magnet.”

“That's not my fault! I did NOT type these letters! I did NOT forge the Administrator's signature! THIS IS FROM HEADQUARTERS!”

The Engineer sighed and nodded at the Soldier's determination. The Soldier didn't want to have to beat acceptance into his sometimes more-than-a-friend friend but he'd at least smack the man around some and possibly wrestle excitingly and erotically on the floor with him until the Engineer gave in. Okay, maybe he wanted to do that still but the Soldier had been too convincing. Maybe he needed to be less convincing next time...

“Anyway, what's this Colbert Report she's talkin' about?” the Engineer asked.

The Soldier shrugged.

“I'm hoping its on this girly record! Why else would they send it?”

The Engineer smirked.

“I thought you said there might be RED Intel on here!”

“I DID! THERE MIGHT BE! THESE ARE NOT MUTUTALLY EXCLUSIVE! ...To my knowledge.”

The Engineer hummed and nodded to himself as he continued reading. He rubbed his chin and frowned as he glanced off into the distance, considering something. The Soldier anxiously squeezed the Engineer's shoulder, bringing the man back from his own mind.

“You know... she says you two would have the honor of watching the interview. That usually implies a television more than a radio,” the Engineer said.

The BLU Soldier tilted his head to the side curiously. He hadn't considered that.

“I thought she wanted us to keep an eye on things, in case a fight broke out.”

The Engineer snorted but he was grinning, eyes squinting with amusement.

“Now why do you always assume it's gonna be a fight? You think this here fella might be a RED Spy from somewhere higher up the corporate ladder?”

The BLU Soldier gasped. A Spy worse than the one already nestled in the RED base, across from their own? DEAR GOD! What kind of situation were they trying to put him in? That must mean... that must mean they really trusted his capability on the battlefield! No wonder the Administrator had called it an honor to watch. The BLU Soldier suddenly saluted the shadowy, far away Powers That Be of BLU, who had so much faith in him and who were clearly saluting back in his imagination.

“I WILL DO THEM PROUD! I WILL SHOW THIS RED SPY WHAT WE ARE MADE OF!”

The BLU Engineer grabbed his arm and tugged on it, inclining his head towards the door. The Soldier noticed he had the black box, now unplugged, tucked under his other arm.

“Come on, then. I found some cords in the box and a diagram that might be helpful. I'm gonna need you to shoo off anyone in the Rec Room and guard it if I go. I'm probably gonna need to run back here and grab some stuff 'cause I doubt that li'l ol' number we got 'll even know what to make of this on its own. We're gonna have to learn it how, er, once I've figured that out mahself.”

The BLU Soldier dropped his arm and then lifted it again to salute the Engineer next.

“Sir, yes, sir!”

The Soldier followed the Engineer out, marching smartly alongside his friend and barely able to keep the usual scowl of grim, professional concentration on his face from twitching up into a lopsided smile, he was so excited! If things went well, he'd know all about this terrible RED Spy, he'd be a hero in a few days, and tonight he might even get laid! Nothing but glory ahead!