That last part gave me the giggles and British Pyro has always been my headcanon.
Definitely agreeing with Marty again, can't wait to see where you take this.

Spy was born in Saskatchewan?

Poor bastard.

"Oh stuff it, we all know you're Canadian,"
Mere words cannot express how fucking hard I laughed. I don't know if it's because I'm Canadian, or because my friend's from Regina, but either way, Saskatch Spy makes me smile in ways I never thought possible. Thank you.

I also enjoy the fact that Pyro's not there five minutes before he cracks a 'yo momma' joke on Scout. I really like his character.

I eagerly await more.

Singing 'God Save the Queen' to scare away Soldier? Insta-win.

FAMILY SECRETS

"Just trade duties with me."

"No."

Pyro had a problem. Once again Scout was trying to shirk KP.

"Trust me, you'd be doin' the whole team a favor."

“I have a better idea. Why don't you quit being a fucking prat and do your own damn KP while I'll teach you to cook without poisoning everyone.”

“Wait, I...”

“Did I mention the part where I light people on fire? Like all the time.”

Scout snorted, “Hey, I’m faster then greased lightning.”

“And that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend.”

Seeing that Pyro had no intention of relenting, Scout reluctantly set to cooking dinner following Pyro's instructions. He made quickly made work of Scout's gnat-like attention span by nailing him in the head with a large wooden spoon everytime he did something wrong, stupid, or simply annoying.

"Beat the eggs," commanded Pyro.

Scout leaned over the bowl containing the eggs and said “Your mother never loved you!”

THWACK!

“OW! What the fuck?” whined Scout, rubbing the back of his head.

“I said ‘Beat the eggs.’ What the hell was that?”

“Yeah, 'beat the eggs', 'verbally abuse', same thing.”

THWACK!



Spy was seated at Pyro's desk, smoking disdainfully. Knowing Pyro would be preoccupied with Scout for some time, Spy had decided this was his best opportunity to get some snoping done. Spy had let himself in with a duplicate key he just happened to have on hand and systematically searched the place. He was rewarded with an errant sock and some dust bunnies for his trouble.

The only thing that was even slightly interesting was a framed photograph on the desk. The picture was of a pleasant looking man who was not Pyro and two children, a boy of about eight and a girl of ten. A young Pyro and his family then. This in itself was nothing unusual, almost everyone had family photos. Scout had pictures of his mother and brothers plastered to the wall next to his bed. Sniper had pictures of himself and his parents tacked up in his van. Medic had a photo of his dour looking wife on his desk in the infirmary and Demo had the same photo of Medic's wife sitting on his nightstand, though far more interesting were the photos of the BLU Soldier hidden under his mattress.

But there was something about this particular photo that bothered Spy immensely. It was something Pyro had said, though for the life of him, Spy couldn't remember exactly what it was. Some off the cuff statement, completely inconsequential at the time, that of course was now the most important thing in the world to Spy. The harder he tried to remember the more the memory danced just out of reach. Frustrated, Spy forced himself to stop thinking about it, knowing that once he took his attention away from the matter, the answer would come to him on it's own.

Despite his efforts, his gaze returned to the photograph. Pyro had never mentioned what happened to his mother, but there was the father who was a chef, the brother who died in the Blitz...

The brother.

"Jesus Christ," gasped Spy. He stared at the photo not daring to believe the answer had been right in front of him the entire time. How? How had he not seen it before?

Suddenly Spy was startled from his thoughts by Scout calling everyone to dinner. He quickly grabbed a marker from the desk drawer and wrote something on the glass of the photo. He laid the frame face down on the desk and quietly departed the room.



"What the hell?" Pyro muttered. That was strange, how could the photo have fallen over like that?

He picked the picture up to right it, but froze when he saw that something was written on the glass, something that made the bottom fall out of his stomach.

Someone drawn a heart around the face of the little girl. Beneath was written, 'Pyro, aged 10'."

Do ho ho! How Scanadlous!

Wow spy's such a dick. Maybe those were his cousins? Maybe Pyro was the one taking the picture? Funny though!

(Also, why is my captcha upside down??)

YOU FUCKING COCKMONGLER SPY GET AWAY FROM THERE.

Ugh and I thought it was a good story till I reached the part of 'girl'

Guess every person hopes pyro to be a chick or sone good looking melt your face off woman literally

Honestly I would like to be an all guy team without boobs showing up. And not just because of all the slash going around.

Good writing but this is where I stop reading,

Screw the haters, I liked the twist. Especially since I thought Pyro had simply gotten a sex change or something. And the way you placed it made me really think, too. I had to read it about three times before it hit me. Nice one, bro.

I do not dig femPyro, but I still want more, because your writing is quality. It's funny and has me rolling around with stitches. The chan needs more Pyro, so I applaud that. And God Save the Queen was a great touch.

First, let me say that I am stupid happy that people are enjoying the story so far. The kind words mean a lot.

Second, I knew when I posted the last chapter it would turn some people off, chick Pyro is not everyone's cup of tea, mine included. But I actually composed this story backwards and I knew fairly quickly the plot called for Pyro to be a woman. I decided to take it as a challenge to see if I could make it work.

And here we are.

If you're done with this story: Bye, see you later! Remember to help control the pet population, have your pets spayed or neutered.

If you're going to hang around: Thanks for your confidence and I will try to deliver.


(WHY IS THERE MATH IN MY CAPTCHA!!!)

I personally don't mind the fem!pyro twist. It will be interesting to find out why Pyro identifies as a man, and what was in his past.

Okay kids here's your next fix. We traded some funny for some SERIOUS BUSINESS, but not too much (I think {hope}). Whatever! Enjoy.



ISN'T A ROCK, IN FACT, A HARD PLACE?

"Nine."

Spy stared at Pyro, baffled, "What?"

Pyro pushed her way into Spy's room, "I was nine when they took that picture."

"Oh."

Spy closed the door and turned to see Pyro standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed, and staring daggers at him.

"That wasn't funny."

He shrugged, "I thought it was."

"You're Canadian. You wouldn't know the meaning of funny if I beat you round the head with a dictionary."

"Someone is touchy. Is it that time of the month?" Spy retorted.

Pyro's cheeks flushed pink, "I'm going to burn you at the stake."

Spy laughed and pulled two cigarettes from his pocket, offering one to Pyro, "Have a smoke, you look awful."

She snatched the cigarette and sat on the bed, suddenly looking defeated. Spy took a seat at his desk watching her. She rested her elbows on her knees and held her head in her hands.

"What's wrong?" inquired Spy.

"You're going to ruin my life."

Pyro lifted her head and saw that Spy was looking at her like she was crazy, "Why would you say that?"

Caught off guard by the question, Pyro could only reply truthfully, "Er... You're a spy. I thought that was kind of your
whole deal."

"You give me too little credit. I'm not going to tell anyone," Spy said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Pyro stared at him, incredulous, "What?"

He shrugged, "What good would exposing you do me? I mean, you're half decent at your job and a damn good cook... Are you okay?"

The color had drained from Pyro's face and she was checking her pulse, "I think my heart stopped. You're not being an insufferable git, so I must be dead."

Spy rolled his eyes and continued, "Look, I'm just a curious guy...

"Nosy," Pyro corrected.

"I've always been curious...

"Nosy."

"Fine! I'm nosy. I like snooping and eavesdropping and going through people's things. That's fun for me. I enjoy it. But

I'm not as big a prick as everyone makes me out to be. We are team mates and that does count for something."

Pyro blinked a few times, "You already told everyone, didn't you?"

"No!" It was Spy's turn to hold his head in his hands, "You are giving me a migraine."

Eyes closed, Pyro tried to wrap her head around what she was hearing, "So that's it then? You're just going to keep this to yourself? You don't want something from me?"

Spy looked at her sheepishly, "Well, there is one thing."

"I'm not sleeping with you," said Pyro, sternly, throwing her cigarette at Spy.

"Not that! I'm curious..."

"Nosy."

"Argh! You are worst then Scout!"

Relenting, Pyro held up her hands in surrender, "I'm sorry. What do you want?"

"I merely wished to know how you ended up here. I think it's a fair question."

Pyro sighed, "Throw me another fag."

After lighting up, Pyro inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled before speaking, "Have you ever heard of Kingston Upon Hull?"

"It sounds familiar."

"That's where I grew up. It was an industrial port city, factories and docks as far as the eye could see. It was also an easy target. Hull was the most heavily damaged city in the Blitz after London," Pyro smiled grimly, "They bombed us on purpose, they bombed us when they couldn't find the right targets, and they bombed us for kicks when they needed to drop their extra explosives. They destroyed everything.

"Anyway, the worst was May of '41. They killed over 400 people in two days. The first night, I wasn't home, I had gone to stay with a friend who had just had a baby. When the sirens started we couldn't get to a shelter, we were trapped in the house. We had no idea how bad it was, but we could hear the explosions even over the sirens, we were sure we wouldn't make it though the night. Obviously, we were wrong. The next morning I rushed home to check on my brother, but the house was gone. I ran to the near by shelter only to find that it had been obliterated by a direct hit, killing everyone inside.

Pyro suddenly looked very old, seventy, instead of just over forty, "I was angry, I didn't think anyone could be that angry, but I was just filled with this all consuming rage. It wasn't fair. My brother did the right thing and he was killed for it and I was left completely alone in the world. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I switched places with my brother, intending to enlist. It was easy enough, we looked so much alike and all that was left of the body was pieces. I showed up at the morgue and identified the body as my own. The coroner handed me a form to sign and that was that.

"Soon after I joined up, I was thrilled found out that the army was in desperate need of unstable soldiers with nothing to lose. If mission specs contained the words 'good chance no one would come back alive,' I was the first volunteer. I didn't care anymore, I was suicidal. The more dangerous and foolhardy a mission, the better. I would jump in feet first. I was trapped behind enemy lines three times. Twice, I was the only survivor of a mission, though not for lack of trying. If we needed a decoy or a distraction, no one ever had to ask, I just did it. It didn't matter how outnumbered we were, I would go in guns blazing. I was injured loads of times, but no matter what, as soon as I could walk I would demand to go back to the front."

"The rest of the story is not very interesting. I continued living as a man after the war so I could collect my benefits and got a job at a factory that did contract work for RED. That's how they found me. They took one look at my military record and offered me an obscene amount of money to set people on fire," Pyro shrugged, "I've done worse."

Spy listened intently to Pyro's story, but was not sure how to respond after she finished. An awkward silence fell over them as they watched each other smoke.

Pyro was the first to speak, "You want to go bother Sniper?"

"Yeah, okay."

Same anon as 16. Do want more. This Spy and Pyro combo is both funny and dour at the same time. I am seriously enjoying this, somehow.

Sorry this is a bit late, I GOT A NEW JOB TODAY!!! Yay me.

Anywho, if you haven't noticed, I kinda got dialogue down, but this chapter has an action sequence which I'm worried about as action is not really my strong suit. So tell me if it's hard to follow or whatever and I'll try to suck less in the future.


(SERIOUSLY WHY FOR MATH CAPTCHA???)



BLU TEAM

The BLU Spy hated crawling around in vents. He also hated surveillance. He especially hated doing surveillance while crawling around in vents. But Soldier had been adament that Spy go and eavesdrop on the REDs. They had been soundly thumping the BLUs recently and Spy was warned not to come back with out something, anything, to turn the tide of battle. So far the trip had been a bust, he had seen the Demoman blacked out on a sofa, the Scout jerking off in his room, and heard the Medic and Heavy in the infirmary making noises that would surely turn up in his nightmares later tonight. His efforts were finally rewarded by the next grate which revealed the Pyro and the Spy lounging in a bedroom, chatting.

"What should I make for dinner?"

"Do we have anymore oysters? You should make that portmanteau steak again."

"I can do that," Pyro threw a look over his shoulder, "With yorkshire pudding?"

Spy rolled his eyes dramatically and huffed, refusing to admit he liked Pyro's yorkshire pudding, "If you must."

"I was going to make crème brûlée for dessert, but you want to act like a spoiled child..."

BLU Spy was jealous. He wanted steak and crème brûlée, real food instead of the garbage his team mates served. He vaguely considered the logistics of trading places with one of the REDs long enough to get a plate.

"Are you sure you don't have any children? Because you act just like my mother."

"If you were my son, I would poison your coffee."

"If you were my mother, I would drink it."

They continued on bickering like an old, married couple for a while until Pyro stood up and unzipped his uniform, "This stupid suit is chaffing like hell today."

Pyro opened a drawer in the dresser and rummaged around for a long sleeved shirt. Both Spies watched Pyro shrug his suit from his shoulders, take off the white tee shirt underneath, and throw it into the closet. They both could not help but be keenly interested in the bandages around Pyro's chest.

"I didn't know you were injured."

Pyro looked confused, "I'm not injured."

Spy pointed, "What are those bandages for then?"

"Oh." Pyro turned to face his teammate and jumped up and down a couple of times, "No jiggle."

"Ah, I was somewhat curious as to why I did not find any brassieres when I searched your room."

Pyro pulled on the new shirt, "This works better."

Spy stood up as Pyro squirmed back in to his uniform, "Don't those take much longer to put on then a regular brassiere?"

Pyro zipped up and said, "Not as long as it takes for you to get a regular one off. Come on, dinner isn't going to make itself."

The BLU Spy was already gone, crawling through the vents as he could to get back to his own base to report what he had found.



The day was almost over. Pyro was excited, the REDs had done well today so everyone would be in high spirits. Plus, it was the one damn day a week that she didn't have to do any chores. She could finally get some reading done or just go be lazy. Yeah, that. Lazy sounded good. Pyro was hustling back to the RED base when the BLU Scout came running by and beaned her in the head with a baseball.

"Yeah! Eat it, mumbles!" he shouted.

Pyro grabbed her shotgun and chased after the little shit. He lead her right into the heart of the BLU base, darting just out range of her spray. They had just rounded a corner when suddenly the ceasefire horn sounded. Pyro stopped in her tracks and turned around to head back, but the BLU Heavy had appeared obstructing the way. She took a step back and went to go the long way around but the BLU Soldier and BLU Spy were there, blocking the only other exit. Pyro raised her shotgun and fired.

Click.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. She had inadvertently wasted all of her shells on the stupid kid. Pyro made a grab for the flamethrower, but the Heavy barreled down on her and restrained her in a bear hug. She kicked and twisted madly and then promptly went limp in his arms.

"Is it dead?" asked Heavy.

"Just like a delicate RED flower to die of fright," said Soldier.

The Medic appeared from the shadows, "It appears to have fainted. Put it down, so we can restrain it, properly."

Heavy let the fainted Pyro fall to the floor. She dropped into a low crouch before springing up to charge a very surprised Soldier. Pyro threw her shoulder in to his stomach, taking him off his feet and knocking him to the floor. Spy threw a punch at Pyro that missed her face but knocked the filter from her gas mask. Pyro brought her arm back like she intended to slap Spy, but instead slammed her cupped hand against Spy's ear rupturing his eardrum. Spy stumbled back swearing and clasping his ear. Medic managed to get behind Pyro and put her in a headlock. She struggled with him a moment before driving her elbow into his side, causing him to release the grip. Pyro twisted around and managed through sheer blind luck to land her other elbow against the good doctor's temple, dropping him to the ground. Seeing his doktor hurt made Heavy snap, he roared like a wild animal and grabbed Pyro. Screaming in Russian, he slammed her against the wall until she blacked out.

>>14

This exactly. I adore your writing, but there's next to no good fics at all with male Pyro.
Everyone wants him to be a woman, when it's completely unrealistic for the time period, build, or voice.
Good day to you.

What? a female cannot have a deep voice or a thicker build? Obviously all woman are twigs with breasts who all have high voices then, eh?

Also, if you want to talk about time period shenanigans, look at the announcer and look at miss Pauling. I highly doubt either of them would be working in their positions if it was completely serious with the time period. In this time period, they would have more likely gotten a hitman for when they killed the director than have miss pauling do it.
Not tor mention old Demo ma's old job.

But to each their own, and there are several good fics with a male pyro, look through the fanfic archive and danceflower sometime, there plenty there.

I adore your fics, And i cannot wait for more, though some of the dialogue between the spy and the pyro seem a bit odd. Both of their speech patters makes them seem much younger than what you have them as, to me at least. Kinda throws me off a bit.

>>22

Personally, I think of Pyro as an 'it.' Neither he nor she. When I'm really drunk, Pyro is an alien cyborg, but that's usually right before I pass out. But I don't think it's completely unrealistic that Pyro might be a woman, it's happened more then a few times that women have disguised themselves as men to go fight in a war, it's not common, but it does happen.

But like I said before if you don't like fem Pyro, that's cool and I hope should I continue posting in the future you'll swing by and check it out.

>>23

I can see what you're saying about the speech patterns. It's probably my own age slipping through more then anything. I'll try to work on it in the future.

Fuck the haters; I'm enjoying this story.
I'd agree that Pyro and Spy's dialogue should sound a little more... mature? Refined? They do sound too young, which makes my mental image of them waver in the wrong direction.

The action scene could use work to make it more exciting, but you got the meaning across well enough. I look forward to reading more.

I don't know where everyone is getting "fem" Pyro off this. Butch Pyro, maybe.

For action sequences, might I suggest shorter paragraphs? Maybe this is just a formatting issue, but all lumped together like that, it's a visual brick. If you split it up, that helps the reader recognize a change to the scene.

Think of action scenes as being written more like the sports section, less like the editorial.

updates. I demand them! so good.

>>27

Thanks. That's actually a really helpful analogy. Imma try that.

>>28

I promise there will be an update (late) today and it's going to be really long to make up for the delay. My computer decided to have a meltdown and as soon as I figure out why I'll be back in action.

Here we go, the next installment as promised. I'm not entirely happy with it, but I'm sick of looking at it, the more I read it the more things I find to nitpick. So for the sake of my sanity, here you go.


P.S. - While researching for this chapter I realized that if the government ever has a look at my internet history, I'm going to be put away for close to forever.


P.S.S. - Neuengamme was a German concentration camp during WW2. Just, uh, FYI.



TRY HARDER

It was a common enough technique that Pyro had heard of it, but she had been lucky enough to have never gone through it herself, until now.

Still woozy from the drugs the Medic had given her, it was easy enough for the Heavy to tie her wrists behind her

back with one end of a length of rope and throw the free end over one of the joists that crossed the ceiling of the room. He slowly hoisted her up until she was dangling just above the ground, the weight of her own body pulling against her inverted shoulder sockets. It was simple, but effective, though the best techniques always were. The strain was far worst then she had imagined. Pyro could feel her shoulders slowly separating, but she knew better then to struggle, the ligaments in her shoulders would only tear faster and eventually she would dislocate the joint, then it would really hurt.

She was clad only in a short sleeved undershirt and red shorts, her uniform removed by the Medic during his examination. The Medic had run over her with his medigun to reduce the trauma and help her regain consciousness, but mediguns didn't do as much for the aches and pains as a trip through Respawn. Her head was still pounding from the thrashing the Heavy gave her.

How long had she'd been here? A few hours at least, maybe more. And unless they decided to let her go or she escaped, she'd be here a lot longer then that. Before being put on the train, some desk jockey from RED had gone over the rules of engagement with her. He repeated at least ten times that skirmishes during ceasefire were massive violations of one of the Geneva conventions. Such actions were considered insubordination and all participating parties were subject to immediate termination, forfeiture of all prior and future pay, and possible jail time. There was no way the REDs would risk losing their jobs and millions of dollars to attempt a rescue even one second before the Administrator called start in the morning. She was on her own.

The door opened and an immaculately kept pair of Italian loafers strolled into Pyro's field of view. She raised her head and locked eyes with the BLU Spy who's face was split with a venomous grin.

"Bonjour, 'ow are we feeling?"

"Never better."

"Bonne! Your accommodations are to your liking?" he asked, sweetly.

"The view could use some work."

"Well, let's see what we can do about zat. Zis iz fairly straightforward, as I'm sure you know. I ask questions, you answer them, and we all go our separate ways. Sound good?"

"Let's get something straight right now. There's nothing you can do to make me betray RED."

"I 'ave to disagree."

"You would," said Pyro, icily.

"Does your team know about your 'condition'?"

"If they did, do you think I would be here right now?"

"I thought so. If you do not tell me what I want to know, I will contact my company, whom I am sure will contact

your company to negotiate the terms of your release. I imagine once RED finds out that you 'ave been deceiving zem, you will be fired."

Pyro smiled a little, "Go ahead. Ring RED. I'll tell them myself."

"You are bluffing."

"If I tell you anything and you release me, RED will sack me anyway, probably with a treason charge for good

measure. If I don't say anything and you expose me, at least I didn't give you the satisfaction of getting what you

want."

Spy raised an eyebrow, "Even at the expense of destroying everything you 'ave?"

"Even then."

"I 'ave ways of making you talk. My patience iz finite, I will only offer once more to do zis civilly."

Pyro spat in his face, "Fuck you and fuck your civility."

"Very well," said Spy, wiping his face. "We will do zings your way."

Spy opened the door allowing the Heavy to enter. The Heavy disappeared behind Pyro and began pulling on the rope raising her further. He lifted her so high she could feel the steel joist over which the rope was thrown. It was only about a foot and a half above the ground.

"Is ze view any better?" asked Spy, smugly.

"A bit. The further from your ugly face, the better."

Spy's smile slipped only slightly. He nodded to Heavy and Pyro suddenly dropped. It was only two, maybe three inches, but it was enough to elicit a yelp from Pyro. The right shoulder separated completely and pain radiated from the joint, up her arm and down her side.

"Did zat 'urt?" asked Spy, feigning concern.

Pyro forced a smile, "No, feels good."

Spy nodded again. Once more, she fell only a few inches, her body jerking to a halt. As soon as she was still, Heavy repeated the action, letting her drop again. He kept going until Pyro yelped when her left shoulder separated.

"Still feel good?"

"Great," she replied through clenched teeth.

They continued on in this way for who knows how long, Heavy dropping her by slow inches and Pyro's resolve unbroken. The only reprieves came when her feet touched the floor and Heavy raised her back to the ceiling.

This didn't stop until Pyro shrieked when her right shoulder became dislocated.

"What's wrong? Something break?" asked Spy, as though they were chatting about the weather.

Pyro spoke through gritted teeth, "Fine-it's fine."

"Just give me what I want and I will call ze doctor in 'ere to attend to your injuries. We 'ave excellent pain-killers."

Her left shoulder was fucking sore but the right shoulder was on fire. She knew it was already beginning to swell. Didn't matter, she'd been through worse, "Eat me."

Spy's lips pursed together and his nostrils flared with irritation, "Drop her."

Heavy released the rope allowing Pyro to drop to the floor and crumple in a pile. Spy leaned down to speak to her, "Are you so deluded as to imagine zat you could 'old your own against ze likes of me?"

"I was part of the forces that helped liberate Neuengamme. If you want to scare me, you are going to have to try a lot harder."

Spy straightened up, "You talk tough, but I will break you before everyzing is said and done."

"Why won't you just pack it in? I thought you people were good at rolling over and taking it up the-OOMPH," a kick to the stomach silenced her.

"No one 'as ever gotten ze better of me-"

"Says the guy beating up a defenseless woman." Spy kicked her again, harder this time.

"And you will not be ze first!" he spat.

Spy turned to Heavy, who had been stoically taking all of this in, "The box."

Heavy brought in a small table, stool, and a large high backed chair. Pyro was moved from the floor and tied securely to the latter. The Heavy left and was replaced with the Medic who stood in the corner, watching intently. Pyro saw he had his medigun on and ready to go.

"How's your head?" she asked.

Medic pointedly ignored her.

On the table, Spy set a large black box that had several switches, dials, and knobs on the top and two wires running from the side with a small clamp on the end of each. Spy flicked several switches and the box gave off a weird humming noise. When the clamps were attached to Pyro's ears, she got nervous, but tried not to let it show.

"Why's the kraut here?" she asked, trying to distract herself more then anything.

"In case you go into cardiac arrest," said Spy, matter of factly. He lit another cigarette and sat leaning against the wall, "Where is RED moving next?"

"Really? Is this the best you've got?"

Spy pressed a button, sending a surge of electricity through her body. Pyro screamed and railed against the restraints to no avail. Suddenly, it stopped. She went limp and gasped for air.

"Where is RED moving next?" asked Spy again, turning a dial.

Pyro glared at Spy, "Fuck off."

Again, Spy pressed the button and Pyro went into convulsions. She shrieked and twisted violently but the chair held steady. This kept up for some time, Spy asking the same question, Pyro making some cutting remark, and being electrocuted for for insolence. To Pyro it felt like days, but was probably only an hour or two.

Finally, Spy crossed his arms and said, "I am losing my patience with you."

"Then let me go," she whispered hoarsely. Her voice had given out after the first twenty minutes of screaming.

Spy stood and removed the clamps from her ears, severe burns left in their place, "You are indeed as tough as you claim to be. For zat I commend you. Many would have given up by now."

"Thanks. That means a lot," said Pyro, bitterly.

"Of course, we are by no means done here."

"Of course."

Spy motioned to Medic who followed him out the door. A few minutes passed as Pyro wearily wondered what was next. The electrocutions had taken the wind out of her, and she wasn't sure how much more abuse she could take. Her resolve had weakened somewhat and she was sure Spy could see that.

The door reopened and in came Spy followed by Sniper and Scout. Pyro had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, there was only one reason she could think of that Spy would bring them here.

Spy smiled grimly, "I am done playing games with you. Zis is your last chance."

Pyro considered her options and sighed heavily, "Fine."

Sniper and Scout exchanged a glance, but Spy was too damn pleased with himself to notice, "Where is RED moving next?"

Pyro looked Spy dead in the eye and said, "Into your mum's house."

Spy was pissed, "Untie 'er and 'old 'er down!"

Sniper and Scout obeyed, undoing the ropes and wrestling the struggling woman to the ground. But between her shoulders and the shocks, it wasn't much of a fight. They laid Pyro on her back, Sniper leaning over her head and pinning her arms to the floor. Scout helped hold Pyro's legs as Spy tore away her shorts. Hoarsely, she cursed all three men, their mothers, their fathers, and anything else she could think to curse.

When she saw Spy unzipping his pants she doubled her efforts, struggling against Scout and Sniper's steadfast grips. Spy pulled his cock out and gave himself a few quick strokes. As soon as he was hard enough, he tried to enter Pyro, but it wasn't easy. She bucked and twisted madly, trying desperately to squirm away from Spy. Both her shoulders blazed with agonizing pain but she didn't care, her entire focus was on making this stop.

Agitated, Spy reached out and grabbed a handful of Pyro's hair and slammed her head against the concrete until she stopped struggling so vigorously. Spy guided himself in and began thrusting. It had been a while since he'd been with a woman and after only a few minutes, he was ready to come. He held back as long as he could, he wanted this bitch to suffer. She needed to know who was in charge. No one had ever gotten the better of him and she would not be the first.

When Spy started grunting and breathing faster, Pyro knew it was almost over. Spy gave one final thrust and emptied his seed in to her now bleeding pussy.

Spy pulled out and tucked himself away. He looked between Sniper and Scout, "Who's next?"

Sniper bit his lip, "I changed my mind. I don't wanna do this."

Spy frowned at Sniper and looked at Scout who glanced away uncomfortably, "Me either."

"Fine," he said, standing up, "I made my point, tie her hands and let's go report to Soldier. By the time we're done, she'll be ready to talk or we can go again."

> Wow. i knew where this was going and... it´s not that i like it, but i like how you wrote it. I´m cringing a bit about this. I´m happy that Scout and Sniper said than no, but still that they just looked at Spies action makes me sick to the stomach.

Eeeeegh. I knew this was gonna happen too. But reading it, eeeeegh. I like how you kept Pyro's "don't give a damn" attitude going and how you wrote the shoulder dislocation and electrocution.

I like that Spy is a complete dick and that Scout and Sniper have some moral qualms with raping her. I'm just a wee bit confused as to why he would choose them to hold her down. What was your thought process on that?

I agree with the two above. I knew this would happen. And I would be slightly dissapointed if it didn't.

Wow she's tough. I woulda just told them. Hell, they're mercenaries, who cares as long as they get paid? I'm always surprised when people are defensive of their company in general (not the team, that makes sense). I hope she gets revenge.

>>32

Okay, honestly? It was a mistake on the part of my sleep addled brain.

I changed the rape scene about four times and where Sniper and Scout did originally have a reason for their actions it kind of doesn't make sense now in the context of this version. I'll probably rewrite it at some point to replace Sniper and Scout with Heavy, which would make the most sense. Or think of a reason and stick it in there.

I liked this chapter. I like this story, too.

I have to whine about your use of the word "pussy", though. TF2chan whines about that word a lot, but I really felt disappointed that it was used in this context. "Pussy" is a word used by American porn actresses, and this wasn't supposed to be a sexy scene. Also, Pyro has spent so many years as a man, it just seems disrespectful to use that word with her. Couldn't you have just said like, "she was bleeding", because I'm sure we'd all have known where from.

On a similar note, it seems equally mean of you to say "this bitch" in the narration. Were it Spy's thoughts or words, that'd be perfectly fine, but the voice is too separate from his for that to fly. I dunno, feel free to ignore me on these.

Switching Sniper and Scout with Heavy for holding Pyro down would make sense (because they are arguably the physically weakest of the entire team) but I still think it makes for an interesting story to have them. They didn't have a lot of personality, though, and I think you could build on it a bit better. What were those two thinking about all this? Perhaps Sniper might not be the raping type (lol) and considering Pyro makes for a convincing man, I could believe that Scout just wouldn't be so hot on the idea of sex with her, especially not sloppy seconds.

This is getting wordy. I'll shut up now. I look forward to the next installment!

>>36

No worries on wordiness Anon. This is all very helpful and should (read: when) I rewrite this story, I will def take all of your crits in to consideration.

Sorry about the delay. I up and died there for a bit, but it got better. Here's the next chapter. I have the last sections drafted and as soon as they cease sucking quite so hard (as first drafts are wont to do) they will appear in a much more timely fashion.

Also, sorry this is short.

Double also, sorry for being so damn sorry.



IF YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT

In front.

Pyro stared at her wrists.

They tied my hands in front.

It was only the work of a minute to undo the knots. Her shoulders were on fire and sitting up too fast made her woozy, but there was no time for that now. The pain could wait, getting out was more important. Pyro tried the door, but it, unsurprisingly, was locked. That was fine. She had known from the beginning there was only one exit from this room.

Time was of the essence. Pyro grabbed the high backed chair they had tied her to and jammed it against the door. At best, it would only buy her a few minutes, but that might be exactly what she would need.

The rope that she had been suspended from still hung from the ceiling joist. That was her ticket out of here. It might not work, but it was worth a shot. Pyro was short on options.

She snatched up the end of the rope and froze.

How did it go?

She couldn't remember. She had only seen it once, in a book. Closing her eyes, Pyro tried to clear her hazy mind and put all of her focus into scrounging up the memory.

Double loop.

Her hands started working.

And around.

It wasn't hard.

Shite, how many coils?

She knew this.

Thirteen. Thirteen, or it might not hold my weight.

Finishing the knot, Pyro grabbed the other end of the rope and raised the noose until it seemed high enough. She lashed the free end around the hook mounted to the wall, then grabbed the stool to stand on.

Pyro fitted the noose around her neck and pulled tight, placing the knot below her left ear, wincing when the rope grazed the burn there. There was slack in the rope.

Hopefully enough.

She kicked the stool away.

Hah, respawn escape!

I'm torn between saying "this is badass" and feeling sad and disturbed that this is how it had to be. Even with respawn, it's fucking SAD to have to kill yourself. Baww.

This was a good installment, though. Though short, it was really interesting and engaging.

Do you... want any assistance with proofing your work? I don't know if you're like me where you'd be all "noooo don't look, it's not ready yet!" but I'd be interested in betaing or something if you'd like.

>>40

Drop me a line, I'd love to have you beta. I always feel better with a second pair of eyes looking over my stuff and it's not like I can ask my family or friends. That'd be one fucking awkward conversation.

This story has 1 or 2 more chapters and then I have something kind of ridiculous planned next that I'd like someone else to look at just to make sure I'm not the only one who thinks it's funny.

Respawn is amazing!!


Eh... fem!pyro to me has always been okish... im not one of those people who are like "OMG EW VAGINAS THEY KEEP EATING UP ALL THE DICKS" but then i'm not a super diehard fem!tf2 lover either... but I do really like the way you write your fem!pyro so ill stick around and see where this goes...

I LIKE this Pyro! Generally I'm writing from the bad guy's POV and have to figure out how to prevent Respawn escapes; s/he goes right the Hell for it. Hope this works!

I am so neglectful, it's appalling. My lovely beta Supraboom had a go with this and I think this version is much improved.

I present the final chapter of Vichyssoise.



HE GOT HIS, NOW SHE'LL GET HERS

BLU Spy jerked awake. He had heard something. What precisely he didn't know, but nonetheless he reached out for the knife on the nightstand.

It wasn't there. He had a split second of panic before remembering he stupidly neglected to remove the balisong from his jacket before laying down for the night. He tried to sit up, but there was suddenly a great weight on his chest and a cloth pressed to his face. The cloth reeked with the familiar sickly sweet smell of chloroform. Spy couldn't see who was holding the cloth, but he didn't need to.

"INTRUDER ALERT! RED PYRO IS IN THE BASE!"

Spy's last thought before blacking out was that the damn alarms always came too late.



Whack.

What happened?

Whack.

He remembered waking up. Then the chloroform and the alarm going off.

Whack.

He was wearing a mask with dark lenses over the eyes, alleviating the otherwise blinding glare of the morning sun. To his left was the BLU Sniper's camper and the desert beyond that.

Whack.

He was standing upright, tied to a post. There were thick ropes wrapped around his ankles and chest, his arms pinned to his sides. He squirmed a bit hoping to get at the knots, but to no avail.

Whack.

In trying to locate the knots, Spy noticed there was a pile of wood layered around his feet. It was stacked nearly to his knees.

Whack.

Spy looked around for the source of the noise. To his right, he saw a figure clad in black pants and a white t-shirt, axe in hand, chopping away at what looked like crates.

Whack.

The figure finished chopping and dropped the axe to the ground. It turned.

The RED Pyro. She was breathing heavily and sweating profusely from chopping the crates. Her pants were covered with a fine layer of dust and her shirt streaked with dirt. There was a detached coolness about her that was disquieting, but when she saw that Spy was awake, her face lit up, "I was starting to worry you weren't going to wake up."

Spy attempted to growl menacingly, "Het he mo."

Pyro cocked her head, "Is that really what I sound like?"

He spoke slowly, trying to maintain his composure, "Men hi heem..."

"Don't get your hopes up. No one's coming for you."

She pointed. Spy turned his head and was just able to make out a small black plume of smoke in the distance, barely a spot on the horizon.

"That's your base. Rather, it was."

Pyro lit a cigarette before continuing. "I suspect most of them are dead, the only one I know for sure about is your Engineer. He caught me by surprise when I was disabling your Respawn system."

She smiled, "But his hardhat didn't do much against my Powerjack."

"Hi hill uckink hill huu!"

"No. I don't think you will."

Pyro knelt down and began collecting the wood. "You know, when I was a child, I spent most of my time minding my little brother 'cos my mother was dead and my father worked all the time. And one day, he came home with a black eye and a bloody nose. I asked him what happened and he told me that two boys decided to beat up on him. You see, he wasn't like me. He was a quiet, sensitive type. So when they clobbered him, he just took it."

She carried over an armload of wood and dropped it at Spy's feet, before kneeling to arraign it. "I was absolutely furious. And I did the only thing I could think to do. I marched right down to the school yard where they played and beat both of them senseless with a stick or a cricket bat, I don't remember which. They both had to go to the hospital. Then their parents came to our house and screamed at my father that I was a menace and that I should be locked away."

She rose and went to get more wood. "My father calmly told them that I was just protecting my little brother like he'd told me to. He told them that it was only fair that they got beat up by someone bigger then them since they were going round beating up on children smaller than they were. He said that maybe now they'd think twice about picking on other children. Then he just closed the door in their faces."

Pyro was smiling brightly as she carried the next armload over. "Can you believe that? He just dismissed them like it was nothing. 'Course that wasn't the end of it for me. My father got one of his thick leather belts and beat me so good I couldn't sit down for a week. Then he told me that by beating those boys up I was no better then they were. He said that I stooped to their level and even though I'd won the fight and they wouldn't bother my little brother again, I'd lost the moral high ground and that was more important."

Sitting back on her heels, she looked up at Spy. "He said what goes round, comes round and it wasn't for me to hand out punishments. And I just... I just never agreed with that. What sense does it make to wait round for divine justice? I think that wickedness begets vengeance."

"Hut..."

Pyro held up a hand. "I know, I know. An eye for an eye and the whole world's blind, right?"

She slowly pulled herself up and locked eyes with Spy. "But I don't care about the world. I only care about those who cross me, and right now, I care about you."

Pyro leaned over and picked up a large blue container that had been sitting just out of Spy's sight.

"Paraffin," she said, waggling the jug in his face. "Although, you'd probably call it kerosene."

Oh dear god, no.

"Unfortunately, I used up all the diesel and gasoline in your base. Paraffin isn't ideal, it makes a lot of smoke, that's why you're wearing the gas mask. I don't want you to die of smoke inhalation before the fire gets to you," said Pyro as she began pouring the paraffin on the wood.

Dying in general was nothing new to Spy and dying by fire had never bothered him before, but the severity of the situation dawned on him as he watched Pyro work. He began desperately twisting against the ropes, but they held him firmly in place.

Pyro dumped the last of the paraffin and tossed the jug away. She took a few steps back and watched Spy struggle with great amusement, then calmly lit another cigarette, but didn't close the lighter.

"I'll see you in hell, yeah? Save me a seat."

She tossed the lighter into the wood and the pile ignited. The wood crackled and roared as the flames quickly engulfed the broken crates so carefully piled at his feet. The flames rose and consumed the fabric of Spy's pants quickly reducing it to char and ash. When the fire started licking at skin, Spy's cries increased, growing more frantic as the fire climbed higher. The skin quickly melted away on his calves and knees and the fire started eating at the fat and muscle underneath even as it steadily climbed up his thighs. His screaming crescendoed when the blaze reached his groin.

There was a lot of smoke as promised. He couldn't see anything, there was no desert outside the wall of flame and no sky above the smoke. His whole world was fire and brimstone and in that moment he knew without a doubt that he was in hell. And, fittingly, the RED Pyro was the devil.

The flames found new life and latched on to the ropes around his chest just as Spy slipped one final time into unconsciousness.



Pyro thought she watched the fire rage impassively, but a smile had crept onto her face and her eyes were alight with a disturbing cheer. She listened to the muffled screams intensify and then suddenly quiet and fade away just as the smoke obscured her view. Even still she watched, watched the wood be consumed and watched the smoke fill the sky. Though she stood nearly twenty feet back the blaze blasted her with intense heat and she made no move until the ropes burned through and the body fell to the ground. Pyro attempted a few steps forward to make sure he wasn't moving but the smell was overwhelmingly awful even this far back. It was like rotten eggs and charcoal with a distinct coppery odor underneath.

He wasn't moving that she could see anyway, so she decided to leave Spy where he was, sprawled half in and half out of the fire. Despite her hatred of him, he had paid his dues and they were even now. There was no sense in bothering with him anymore.

Pyro sighed and climbed into the driver's seat of the van. She had gotten her revenge, but she was only too familiar with the emptiness left behind. Taking her anger out on others never made her feel better because now she had nothing to live for. Nothing to keep her going.

She glanced out the window and saw the plume of smoke indicating where the BLU base once stood. The BLUs would not be too happy with her and the REDs would be even more pissed. She would not be surprised if RED and BLU teamed up to track her down. But if BLU or RED wanted to speak to her they'd have to catch her first. Putting up a fight was all she knew how to do anymore.

Pyro started the van and began driving. She decided to head back to Kingston Upon Hull, it was lovely this time of the year.

well this was a bit jarring.

granted, i more than expected her to do something in retaliation, but..

eh.

the tone of this, from what I got, was somewhat light hearted gender drama. This last chapter has turned that rather light hearted drama on its head. It's rather jarring and a reader turnoff frankly.

this turn of events seemed to just come out of nowhere. The character does not seem the type to just destroy everything like she had. Yes, she is more impulsive and a bit of a vengeful person, and has good reason to, at the spy especially. But, remembering back to when her team's spy had snooped through her stuff,she had done nothing to him. yes she threatened him, but from what i understand of her character she is an act first, ask questions later type of gal. At this point, She would probably think she had nothing to lose and would have done more to the spy then just verbally threaten him, as she had highly suspected the spy to have immediately distributed her information. It would fit in more with her vengeful act if she had done something to him than just yell at him.

What's the reasoning behind destroying the entire base? not everyone of the enemy team had done something to her, I don't remember reading about the pyro or even the engineer. most had minimal involvement in what had happened, except for the heavy, sniper and scout. the soldier wasn't mentioned after her capture and the medic was only present to make sure she didn't die from the torture.

she could have snuck back and disabled the respawn in order to permanently extract her vengeance on the spy and the others as she wished, but it still makes no sense in permanently killing the enemy and destroying their base.

I LOVE this Pyro.

>>45

I get what you're saying. I wanted the story to start out light-hearted so that it juxtaposed with the seriousness of Spy's actions and the consequences of those actions. Perhaps I did that too well.

The way it played out to me was the RED Spy could have ruined her and that's simply one of the risks of pretending to be something you're not, okay fine whatever. As for the BLU Spy, he could have just ruined her and that would have been fine but he violated her in the worst possible way and that's what made the difference. She was going to lose everything regardless.

As for destroying the entire base, this Pyro may be unbalanced but she isn't stupid. She knows that she couldn't take on nine opponents alone, so she disabled respawn and when she did that the Engineer caught her, so she killed him. As for everyone else she kind of needed a distraction and what better then lighting the base on fire. She doesn't care if they die or not, her only concern is getting Spy and making a clean getaway. I suppose I should have made that more apparent in the text...

Eh, c'est la vie.

>>46

Thanks guy!

I read this thread expecting some hot gay Pyro action. When Pyro turned out to be a chick I was like, "not sure if want..." but she was butch, and she was brutal, and I fucking love butches.

So I kept reading, and the rape but made me cringe but then she KILLED herself and I was like, "she's so badass. She's going to just murder everyone."

And then. She did. And it was. Amazing.

Thanks for this. I really enjoyed your story.

The change of tone is surprising, but I'm okay with it.

I'm actually kind of inspired to write a sort-of epilogue for this, if you don't mind, Dipthong.

>>49

Yeah! Go for it, I'd love to read your take on it.

Epilogue--We're All Mad Here
--------------------------------------------------------------
The REDs minus a certain fire-starter stared at the smoke in the distance. "Well, I guess now we know where tha Pyro went." The Scout jerked the binoculars from the Sniper to peer into it. "Do ya think Mumbles left any survivahs fer us ta pick off?"

"That crazy son-of-a-bitch!" the Soldier exclaimed, looking like he couldn't decide if he should be delighted or furious. "Why didn't he come to the rest of us with such a genius plan?"

"Leetle Pyro should have let us get some kills, too," the Heavy agreed.

The Sniper, for his part, was one hundred percent irritated, though of course the Scout played no small part in that. "Because it's against th' rules. Th' BLUs aren't about t' take this loying down. Thanks t' that idiot 'ot'ead, we won't get any sleep for at least a week."

"Ah, it won't be that bad." The Engineer finished upgrading his Sentry to level three. "I'll just leave one 'a these ta guard tha back entrance, and tha rest 'a us can draw straws ta make patrols."

"Leave me out of zis," the Medic huffed. "I have important research to do."

"ATTENTION," the Announcer boomed from the speakers. "SPY, REPORT TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ROOM AT ONCE. I REPEAT, THE SPY IS TO REPORT TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ROOM AT ONCE."

"Ye heard th' quine!" The Demoman slapped the Spy, staring into the distance with a blank expression, on the back. "Gie doon thaur an' see whit she wants thes time!"

"Oui, duty calls," the Spy replied, his voice distant as if he were in a trance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The first time the Spy found the Pyro's campsite, she spotted him first and killed him with an axe to his back while he was still contemplating what to say to her.

The second, she shot him as soon as he uncloaked and watched him, impassive, while he gasped for air and bled to death.

The third, she found him out with the last few bursts of her flamethrower.

Still, his deaths were not all in vain. In trying to avoid him, she was circling back around towards RED territory, the van running out of gas near Dustbowl. He shadowed her as she continued forward on foot until he had herded her towards the Respawn, and then stabbed himself so he'd be waiting for her when she got there.

She raised her shotgun and readied it to fire, her finger hovering over the trigger. "You've passed the line from fucking persistent to creepy stalker, Spy. Don't make me kill you and then make sure you stay that way."

That she was willing to talk to him at all instead of just killing him on sight again was, all considering, a good sign, even if all she had to say was a threat. He leaned back against the wall and lit a new cigarette. "At least hear me out first, s'il vous plaît."

She narrowed her eyes at the Spy, no doubt contemplating whether she could follow through with killing him and sabotaging the equipment before he could respawn. "Talk fast."

Though his gut told him that he faced less risk of getting shot the longer he could drag this out, the Spy decided to cut to the chase. "RED would like to continue ze terms of your contract, minus any deductions to your paycheck once BLU sues for damages, of course."

She blinked at him for a moment, not believing his words, and then scowled. "That's it? That's what they sent you to chase me for?"

"Zat eez what eet comes down to, oui. Our employers are always looking for zee best talent, and you have proved you are worth zee effort to keep."

She scoffed at that. "And if I don't want to be 'kept'?"

"RED and BLU own half zee world each. Zere eez no place on earth you could hide. But here, you have already dealt wiz zee ones who know your true identity, non?" The Spy spread his hands in a gesture of surrender when she raised an eyebrow at him. "All except myself, of course, and I am certain RED will ensure zat we never meet again after zis."

She scoffed again, but this time she also lowered her weapon. "How convenient."

The Spy forced a smile and offered her a cigarette. "RED eez nozzing eef not efficient."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Temporarily ending here until I figure out how to continue. Or I could just leave it as is and let the reader decide what the Pyro's decision is, The Lady or the Tiger style.

NO! You must continue! I need to know how this ends...

I just have one itty, bitty, teeny, tiny, little nitpick with your chapter and that is that the RED Spy isn't french and doesn't speak with an accent. He's from Saskatchewan, which is easy to forget, since it only comes up once at the beginning of the story.

I must say though, after your last post I considered how I would write an epilogue to this and my version came out way different then yours, but I see now that yours makes a lot more sense, this is exactly how RED would handle things.

If you don't know how to end this let me know, I ended up cutting a chapter from this story that I think would end this perfectly.

Spy's accent.
Oops! I'll fix that in the official version.

Ending.
One of the things that is keeping me from making a decision either way is I'm not 100% on Pyro's thought process (which is why I didn't continue with her POV). Of the three possibilities I can come up with, none of them feel particularly in-character. Going back to RED pretty much represents pretending nothing happened while the status quo is obviously broken. Taking her chances on the outside world is sheer suicide, only eclipsed by trying to take up arms against the Administrator and I don't think she has that much of a death with (yet).

...or maybe I'm overthinking things, as I'm prone to doing.

In my opinion, it would ruin it if you continued the story. The ending's fine the way it is, especially judging by the fact that I got the sick-ish feeling that I get when a great story ends. If you want to continue, may I suggest making it a second story. That way, this story will be perfect the way it is, and you'd have something else for those who want it to continue. I don't know, it's just my thoughts on the matter.

I still couldn't make up my mind, so I just fixed Spy's accent and left things ambiguous. Thanks, Dipthong, for letting me play in your sandbox.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Epilogue--We're All Mad Here
--------------------------------------------------------------
The REDs minus a certain fire-starter stared at the smoke in the distance. "Well, I guess now we know where tha Pyro went." The Scout jerked the binoculars from the Sniper to peer into it. "Do ya think Mumbles left any survivahs fer us ta pick off?"

"That crazy son-of-a-bitch!" the Soldier exclaimed, looking like he couldn't decide if he should be delighted or furious. "Why didn't he come to the rest of us with such a genius plan?"

"Leetle Pyro should have let us get some kills, too," the Heavy agreed.

The Sniper, for his part, was one hundred percent irritated, though of course the Scout played no small part in that. "Because it's against th' rules. Th' BLUs aren't about t' take this loying down. Thanks t' that idiot 'ot'ead, we won't get any sleep for at least a week."

"Ah, it won't be that bad." The Engineer finished upgrading his Sentry to level three. "I'll just leave one 'a these ta guard tha back entrance, and tha rest 'a us can draw straws ta make patrols."

"Leave me out of zis," the Medic huffed. "I have important research to do."

"ATTENTION," the Announcer boomed from the speakers. "SPY, REPORT TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ROOM AT ONCE. I REPEAT, THE SPY IS TO REPORT TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ROOM AT ONCE."

"Ye heard th' quine!" The Demoman slapped the Spy, staring into the distance with a blank expression, on the back. "Gie doon thaur an' see whit she wants thes time!"

"Yes, duty calls," the Spy replied, his voice distant as if he were in a trance.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The first time the Spy found the Pyro's campsite, she spotted him first and killed him with an axe to his back while he was still contemplating what to say to her.

The second, she shot him as soon as he uncloaked and watched him, impassive, while he gasped for air and bled to death.

The third, she found him out with the last few bursts of her flamethrower.

Still, his deaths were not for nothing: in trying to avoid him, she was circling back around towards RED territory, the van running out of gas near Dustbowl. He shadowed her as she continued forward on foot until he had herded her towards the Respawn, and then stabbed himself so he'd be waiting for her when she got there.

She raised her shotgun and readied it to fire, her finger hovering over the trigger. "You've passed the line from fucking persistent to creepy stalker, Spy. Don't make me kill you and then make sure you stay that way."

That she was willing to talk to him at all instead of just killing him on sight again was, all considering, a good sign, even if all she had to say was a threat. He leaned back against the wall and lit a new cigarette. "At least hear me out first," he gave her his best 'dashing rogue' smile. "S'il vous pla?t?"

She narrowed her eyes at the Spy, no doubt contemplating whether she could follow through with killing him and sabotaging the equipment before he could respawn. "Talk fast."

Though his gut told him that he faced less risk of getting shot the longer he could drag this out, the Spy decided to cut to the chase. "RED would like to continue with the terms of your contract--minus any inevitable deductions from your paycheck once BLU sues for damages, of course."

She blinked at him for a moment, not believing his words, and then scowled. "That's it? That's what they sent you to chase me for?"

"That's what it comes down to, yeah. Our employers are always looking for the best talent, and you've proved you that you're worth keeping."

She scoffed at that. "And if I don't want to be 'kept'?"

"RED and BLU own half the world each. There isn't any place on earth where you could hide. But here, you have already dealt with the ones who know your true identity." The Spy spread his hands in a gesture of surrender when she raised an eyebrow at him. "All except myself, of course, and I am certain RED will ensure that we never meet again after this."

She scoffed again, but this time she also lowered her weapon. "How convenient."

The Spy forced a smile and offered her a cigarette. "RED is nothing if not efficient."

---------------------------------------------------------------

One year later:

The RED Scout, wanting a taste of the pot before it was ready, couldn't withdraw his hand fast enough to avoid getting smacked in the hand with the spoon. "Aw, c'mon, Mumbles! Just a little taste!"

"Whht yrr trn lhhk hvrhnn hlss."

"But--" A second smack, this time on the Scout's arm, sent the boy running. "Okay, okay! Ow, geez!"

The Spy smirked as he extinguished a spent cigarette into the mound that used to be the ashtray and lit a new one. "I don't weesh to say 'I told you so', petit, but--"

"Oh, shut your trap, Spy." The Scout plopped into a chair and drew his knees to his chest, sulking.

The Pyro, seeing this, let out a muffled laugh and kept stirring.