1 . Name: Jaxson @ 2013-05-20 13:07

Sometimes I really worry about myself.
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When the doorbell rang, I panicked.

I don't panic easy. No, sir. I mean, I've seen guys' heads lopped off so fast they run around like chickens. I've seen just about every part 'a the human anatomy strewn across just about every kind 'a surface you can imagine. I've seen men die slowly, painfully, without mercy, just for fun. Y'know? Just to shake things up.

So, no, I don't panic easy.

But this time, I did panic. Because I knew exactly who was behind that door, and the second my Ma opened it, I'd be the butt 'a family jokes for generations to come. I mean, can you even fathom that? In my family, just one generation can last way, way, way longer than it should. Just ask my Great-Great Gran. You can, 'cause she's still alive.

So anyway, I was up in my room when it rang, reorganizing my baseball cards... again. This time, I was thinking batting average, lowest to highest. Yeah. Or maybe last name, alphabetically? Whatever. It didn't matter, 'cause I knew Robbie would be snooping through them as soon as I left, messing up the order. I could just put them in order according to nose width, for all the difference it made.

When that bell rang, though, the cards went everywhere. All over the place, and I thought I saw my Craig Biggio go in the fishtank. But I was way past caring. I tried to fix my hair so it would look nice, but then I messed it up, so it would look casual. I was freaking out.

Know why? 'Cause my Ma was about to meet my girlfriend.

Okay, okay, I admit, that doesn't really sound that bad. But trust me, it's bad. And yes, before you ask, she really is a girl, and yes, she totally does exist. Gosh, is it that hard to believe that I could get a girlfriend?

Well, it was easy, for a Chick Magnet Pickup Master like me. I mean, just look at me. What part 'a this isn't awesome?
But freaking out. Yeah. I really was. Like, shrieking-like-a-little-girl-inside-my-head-gonna-puke freaking out. Because, like, my Ma? Totally cool. And my chick? Really totally cool. But together...? Not so much. Try mega-NOT-cool.

Okay, so you're wondering who this mystery dame is, right? Well, she's cool, like I said. her name is Carol. Or Meg. Linda...?

Psh, so I don't know. Like I could remember the name 'a every girl I've ever done it with. And yeah, we have sex, like, a lot. All over the place. All over her house, even. See? I told you she's cool. And hot. Like, meet-you-at-the-door-wearing-cellophane hot. Wicked hot.

She's always wearing blue, though, naturally. I mean, the more I look around, the more I notice the world is split into two halves: RED and BLU. And I'm a RED. Always have been, always will be. That's just how it is. And besides, she says it's kinda sexy, when we look at where our clothes have landed, and they're all tangled up. Like some sort 'a taboo. I guess that's just another one 'a her crazy kinks. But the fact that she's BLU isn't what was scaring me about her meeting my Ma. Nope, not even close.

See, she's kinda... older. Way older. Like, my Ma's age. And she has kids, too. Yup, a whole ton. But that's just how this crazy universe works, right? I mean, don't they say everyone has a twin out there? Well, I know mine, and he's her son.

---

This whole freaking out thing was because 'a what happened last time we saw each other.

We were laying on one 'a her sons' beds. 'a course, we'd done it in about every room 'a the house. I guess it didn't bother her that I was pretty much one 'a her millions 'a kids, and hell if I was gonna let it bother me. I mean, don't fix something that ain't broke, right? And besides, the fact that she'd had a shitload 'a kids made her a wicked lay. I guess it has to do with experience? Anyway, it was awesome.

Well, earlier that day, my Ma had asked me about my new girlfriend.

"Spy tells me you've got yourself a girl, Scootch," she said, in an offhand way, like, 'oh and could you get some milk while you're at the store' kind 'a way. Geez, way to throw a curveball, Ma.

So I tried to be cool about it, you know: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, just some girl... nothing special."

But 'a course she just could not let it go. "When can I meet her?"

Shit. Um, how about never? Is never good for you, or should we make it later? Never's great for me. "Gosh, I dunno, I mean, she's really busy with... stuff. And you know, it's not really that serious anyways--"

"Oh, 'a course I want to meet her," she said, like I'd asked. "It won't take long. Why don't you just have her come over tomorrow afternoon? Are you going to see her then?"

Ironically, a had just been on my way to her place when Ma ambushed me, for another round 'a super-kinky sex. I mean, that gal is wild. My only question is how I ever got to hook up with her before some other creepo moved in there. I mean, she's like, my dream chick. Hot, totally open for all kinds 'a ideas, super kinky, no strings attached, and totally knows what she's doing. Oh, yeah, and she kinda looks like my Ma. But... that's not the point.

"Yeah... sure, Ma. I'll ask her if she's busy," I lied. Like, that lie could've won awards. She totally fell for it, and I, 'a course, had no intentions whatsoever 'a even mentioning it to her in passing.

'A course... I ended up doing exactly that. Yeah, go me. Well, in my defense, I was totally on an afterglow-high, and she did ask what my Ma thought I was doing just then.

So I told her what had taken place. "But don't worry," I said, totally the Master 'a Cool, "I'll just tell her you're busy. Family death, or whatever. I'll think 'a something."

"No, tell her I'll be there," she said, and I would say she surprised me, but it would surprise me if she didn't surprise me. I mean, if she started getting boring, I'd split. "I have a plan."

'A course she had a plan. She has tons 'a plans. Plans to finish college, plans to go shopping, plans to clean the house, plans to make dinner. Plans to tie me up and have her way with me. Plans to dress me up like her youngest and fuck me to the moon and back. Plans, plans, plans.

So I did. I told my Ma she'd be there, and went up to my room to wait, to bite my nails down to bloody stubs and to shuffle through my baseball cards.

And when the doorbell rang, I panicked.

---

See? We've come full-circle, here. Now do you see why this is such a bad, bad, fuckthisisbad situation? But what could I do? It was too late to back down, and through the floor I could hear Ma's heels clicking as she went to answer the door.
And meet my girlfriend.

Okay, so maybe "girlfriend" is too strong. I mean, it's not like we would ever go on a date, or anything. I mean, that would just ruin it. No need to throw emotions in there. That's like the time the BLUs snuck into our base and put just one piece 'a one 'a their uniforms in with a load 'a the whole team's laundry. The end results were ugly, let's just say that. Totally ugly.
After I heard the door open and a few muffled words exchanged, there was silence. Not, not, not good. What was happening? Were they fighting, teeth and nails, out on the lawn? Were they both crying, in shame and embarrassment? Were they re-writing the will and leaving me out 'a it?

I had to know. I had to. So, quietly, I snuck out 'a my room and over to the stairwell, where I had a good little Sniper's-eye-view 'a the front door.

But they weren't there.

Heart hammering like that one time when I totally chugged like six Bonks! (and woke up in respawn), I slid down the stairs, totally as quiet as the smoothest Spy. I looked around, and spotted one 'a my brothers, Tom. He's totally one 'a the cooler 'a my brothers. He was hanging out next to the window, watching something. Probably another fight.

I just looked at him, and he casually pointed to the kitchen. Yeah, cool. So I slid over there, not making a sound. Hey, maybe someday I could be a Spy. That'd be sweet. But the stupid accents are probably part 'a the job requirements.

They were in the kitchen, just like Tom said. They were sitting at the little table, drinking something or other. When I came in, they both looked up, looking happy enough. I don't think I need to tell you just how confused I was.

"Oh, Scootch," Ma said, smiling in that if-you-embarrass-me-in-front-'a-company-I-will-beat-your-ass-so-hard way. "We heard you coming. Come say hi."

And she, my... well, I guess I can still call her my girlfriend, just smiled all amiably, like she had never, would never, suggest those things, all those things we've done all over her kitchen counters. I tried not to think about those things as I shook her hand, confused. Why was she smiling like that? Why was she shaking my hand? Why was she saying "my, aren't you handsome? And your name is?"...?

"Oh, we just call him Scootch," Ma said, smiling at an ancient joke at my expense. Something about me when I was little. I don't personally remember it, but 'a course, being the youngest, everyone else in the world does, and reminds me 'a it regularly.

"Scootch, this is my friend, Pearl," Ma said. I'm gonna be honest, I was floored. They knew each other!? "How funny that you should drop by, Pearl, we were just expecting a visitor."

"Oh?" Pearl smiled mischievously around her cup as she took a dainty sip. I swear, if I weren't so totally horny all the time I'd consider breaking up with her. What a crazy stunt; I can't believe she didn't tell me she was friends with my Ma!

"Yes, Scootch's girlfriend was just about to drop by," Ma went on, completely oblivious, as usual. "I was so sure you were her for a moment, but 'a course you're not."

"Oh, now, Mae, don't be ridiculous!" Pearl laughed, giving me a full once-over, like she'd never seen me before. "Really, he's much too sweet for me. I like my men to be really dirty, you know?"

Ma glanced at me, and her face was totally the same shade as her dress. I guess I was kinda blushing, too, 'cause right then I started remembering that time when the windows were open, 'cause it was such a nice day, and the neighbors called the cops. Heh, that was pretty awesome. But Pearl (is that really her name, Pearl?) was totally straightfaced. She was dead serious.

"So, Scootch," she said, leaning forward like I was a real good play shown slowed down, with lines and circles everywhere to show where all the action was. Like something she didn't want to miss again, because the first time her brothers had stampeded through the room dressed up like Indians and cowboys and broke her staring match with the epic ballgame on TV. "I do hope I'm not intruding. I wouldn't want to get in the way 'a your mother meeting your girlfriend."

She said it all sweet, like she was super sincere. I knew I'd be paying for every moment 'a this later on, when she would think up something especially kinky and dramatic to do. I usually ended up tied to something, whenever she came up with new ideas.

"Well..." She's super hot and has eight kids, one 'a which I kill regularly every day at work, who I hate with most 'a my being and who I have pretended to be more than once, and have gotten off on her getting off on it. She's crazier than Pyro and sneakier than Spy, and sometimes I think she's gotta have more drugs in her system than Medic does, to think up some 'a the things we do. Also, we made a couple 'a tapes, and they're totally up in my room right now, taped to the bottom 'a the table so Robbie or Ma or anyone else will never find them. "She's pretty cool."

Ma rolled her eyes. "Oh, he says that about everything! Every third word out 'a his mouth is 'totally' this and 'cool' that! Oh, I don't know how that sort 'a language ever became popular!"
Hah. Pearl's made me say worse things than that, and with a whip in her hand, no less.

"You know kids, Mae," Pearl said, so sweetly. "My youngest is just like that. Always cussing and stomping around, so moody. But my kids aren't nearly as handsome as this one here is. He takes it from his father, I assume?"

"Oh, yes. Well, mostly," Ma said. Ugh, women. You know how they get; all chatty, talking about you like you're not right there, totally staring at them like they're aliens. She was just yakking away about my dad's this and that and the other thing, and, like, gesturing at my face?

"So," I said, just to make it stop. "Where did you say you know my Ma from, ma'am?" she loves it when I call her that,especially when she's got me all dolled up like her son. Maybe just a tad crazy. Just a tad.

"From the salon, 'a course," she said. "Your mother and I met a few years back, when we were both getting the same hairdo. We've been keeping in touch, but we usually only chat while waiting for it to set."

"But how strange that you decided to drop by today, 'a all days," Ma said, looking thoughtful.

"Well," Pearl patted her hair. "I was in the neighborhood."
'In the neighborhood'. Hah. She lives four blocks from me. Yes, four. It's a miracle no one's ratted me out to Ma yet, with all the snooping neighbors we've got.

---

In the end, Ma and Pearl managed to chat away the entire afternoon, and by the time Pearl left, with a wave for Ma and a wink for me, all Ma said was, "Oh, your girlfriend didn't come. Maybe something came up."

"Yeah, maybe." Or maybe that wink meant "get over here ASAP 'cause I'm hot as hell and the boys are away". Maybe.

I slipped upstairs soon after, claiming to be too sheets to stay up any longer. Robbie was already asleep, and I kicked his stuff off my side 'a the room before slipping out the window.

You know how you always wonder when you're ever gonna use math in the real world? Well, here's the answer: you're not. But Scout skills, now those you can use. Like, so you don't break your neck slipping from the windowsill to the telephone pole to the garage roof to the tree to the ground in exactly twelve seconds. After that, obviously, I was booking it down the street, and within a minute I was in her house. In another sixteen we'd worn ourselves out.

I sorta came to some time later, and realized that I was totally naked, laying on a random floor (beds are for squares) next to this woman who may as well have been my own mother, staring at my hand, which was covered in spunk. And I was totally okay with it.

Shit, the things I do for great sex.