After years of reading fan fictions on here. I have the nerve to post something here. I'm not much of a poster so if i don't do something right please tell me. Excuse my grammar as it is not very good. I didn't mean for Sniper to be included as a love target in this story but it just ended up happening. I also have this story on Deviant art. So you all know. Please feed back would be appreciated if i am going to write a part two. Thank you all and enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stepping out of spawn. Setting her shotgun on her shoulder. With a cocky smirk on her face. She took in a deep breath. Sucking in the smell of Gunpowder and smoke in the air. She spotted a clear wave out of corner of her eye. As a spy uncloaked beside her. She wasn't going to let him kill her this time. She quickly swung out her leg. Hitting him in the groin, Sending him to his knees. "Mon dieu!" He cried. Looking up at her with an angry glare. He felt the barrel of her shotgun pressed against his forehand. "bang frenchy" Pressing hard down on the trigger. Unloading a shot through his skull. Causing his brains to spatter all over the wall. spinning her gun around. She placed it in her holster. Bending over to pocket the mans litter. That had blown off his body. Lifting the cigarette causally hanging from her lower lip. Later that night. The crickets were chirping out in the distance. As she was leaning over the balcony of the base. Both of her elbows resting on the wooden arm rests. It was a particularly dark night. Due to it being a new moon tonight. It was late but she still had time for one last drag. Hearing the door the the balcony open. She lazy half turned her head to see who it was. Stepping beside her was that all to familiar Australian. God knows why he would wear sunglasses this late at night. She wasn't one to pry but this man had a mystery about him. Not like a spy. No, he had his own way of doing it. He wasn't the sociable type. She wasn't much of a talker either. Something they had in common. He turned his head towards her to notice that she was staring at him. Not saying anything to her. As if she knew what he was trying to say. She pulled out her pack of smokes and handed him one. Taking it with a nod. He lit it up with his own litter. Both stood there as they looked out in the horizon. As if they were waiting for something. Neither saying a word. Neither making any movement. Strangely she felt as though they were bonding in a way. If mercenaries do that sort of thing with each other. She really wasn't sure. Taking in a deep huff of smoke. She held her breath. Sniper turned his toward her. As if she was about to fall over and die. Letting it out. She made a smoke ring in the air. He finally opened his mouth. Short as it was. "Nice mate" Looking over at him. A faint smile curled on her lips. Simply she nodded at him. With a loud crash. Scout slammed the door open to the balcony open and jumped off the balcony snickering in amusement. Followed quickly by the mentally unstable American everyone seemed to have an issue with. Pushing the two apart, He swung his fist down at scout. Scout raised his middle finger to them and stuck his tongue out at him. "Why don't you come get me. Afraid of a little jump?" His pride a bit bruised. Solder couldn't stand by and let RED's little hooligan get away with taunting him. Gritting his teeth with an angry growl. He jumped off the balcony. Standing high above the scout. He looked unfazed by the pain of jumping almost ten feet. Solider took out his shovel from behind his back and smacked scout hard across the face before he could get away from him again. As sniper looked down at the dally display of irritation. Noticing a Raven perched above the arch way. It was sitting directly above his female comrade. Who was chuckling at her fellow comrades. Letting out a cough. Hitting her chest at the irritation in her throat. "Ah sometimes, these guys crack me up. Considering We all have something wrong with us in the head. We work together pretty good don't you think?" Tearing his eyes away from the omen floating above her head. He Tired not to be superstitious but Raven's don't normally come around these parts. "Huh.?.....oh yeah we do." As the time went by. It seemed like hours since they talked last to each other. Even though it hasn't even been a couple minutes. Taking in a deep breath. Her ears perked up to here a creaking sound in the floor boards behind her. She quickly turned around. To grab the hand of RED's spy, Who had the but of his butterfly knife to close as it was to her. Though not open. He had a sly grin across his face. "mon petit cheri. Good. If i had been BLU you would have, well you know" Letting free his hand. She was very sour toward their spy. Though he had done nothing to her. She just didn't trust someone who back stabs for a living. He had his charm to him but what French man didn't? All the boys in the base had their own charm. Spy just had a little bit more then the other's. A Brown cigarette hung from his lip. As he stood in between her and the sniper. "I see you two are enjoying a beautiful night together. The talk of the fort you two are." Embarrassed they both looked away. Covering her face with her hand. She tried to make it look like she was fixing her hair. Only a spy could make a peaceful moment awkward. Bearing no special feelings toward the sniper. She never gave it any thought. Being who they were and what they did. It would only make them co workers who killed together. Looking past the spy with a curious look. She half expecting their eyes to meet. Even in the dark she could see his cheeks. The seemed to be just as red as hers. Looking quickly away to stare at the railing in front of her. She had just realized when she turned to grabbed the spy she dropped her cigarette. It didn't matter to her now. She wasn't going to relax until that snake left. "Why so quiet? Did i interrupt something between you two?" Looking up and down her body. She could feel his eyes peering at her. She didn't know wither to feel faltered or insulted. Ignoring him the best she could. She put her hands back down. To stare up at the sky. "Ah i see.....i will be on my way then." Flicking his half smoked cigarette. Off into the darkness below. Swinging around he left as quietly as he came. After a few minutes. They believed they were finally free from the snake that wanted to torture them. Neither wanting to speak of what just happened. She didn't dare to speak at all but she didn't want to leave. It would only make things worse. "You know his right." He said to her. Looking over at her. She could feel shivers down her spine. Her nerves tingling at the sound of his voice. She had never noticed before how attractive he was. "We spend all lot of time out here together. It does seem like we have something going on." He laughed nervously. Scratching the back of his head. Turning her head. She hoped to god that he would see how much she was blushing. Her face felt really hot and uncomfortable. "Yeah i can kinda understand why everyone thinks that heh" With an long silence. They didn't tear their eyes away from each other. Snipers sunglasses were tipped down. So she could see his eyes. Even in the low light she could see his eyes. A rare thing to see but she seemed to be the only one who has ever seen them. As if something possessed them both. Their bodys inched slowly toward each other. Something was in the air. She tried to keep herself from him but something inside of her couldn't help herself. As his arms wrapped around her waist. Their bodys pressed together. Her head nudged on his hat as their heads came closer. Pressing their lips upon each others. He tasted of cheep cigarettes and faint hint of alcohol. Opening their mouths she inched inside with her tongue. Hesitant at first but as soon as she felt his. That wasn't the case. Like a sub conscious vibe pasted between both of them at the same time. They pulled away from each other. Realizing what they had just done. She covered her face with the palm of her left hand. Tearing it away for only a second. To speak in a cracked voice. "I'm....I"m sorry" As she turned quickly to walk away. Picking up the pace as she ran down the hallway. She couldn't believe what had just happened. She couldn't understand why she would do such a thing. She lives in a fort with mercenaries. They care nothing for her. They only want the pay. Tears streaking down her eyes. She slammed her room door behind her. Sliding down it. As she held her face and tried not the wail. Confused and disturbed. She brought her self to bed. She needed the rest. Living with these maniacs is making her lose her mind. Of what little she had left that was. The next day. Running out of BLU base. She had nabbed the intelligence when they weren't looking. She had this in the bag. Looking across the bridge. She spotted any enemy Pyro waiting for her. The Glare on his goggles looked as though he was ready for her. Ready to pull the trigger and scorch her. She wasn't as fast as the scout and she wasn't going to take it on by herself. So she jumped down into the water to go through the sewers. Running into RED's Sewer. She looked back to see the pyro hadn't followed her. It must be the water she told herself. With a confident grin. She had been told by the scout not to go into the swear because there was terrible monster that roamed there. She Didn't believe him of course on account he was making jazz hands at her and going "oooooooooo" at her. No one else had warned her about it though she assumed he was trying to scare her. Falling on her face. She looked behind her. It was dark and murky in the sewer. It was very hard to see. Even with her good eyes. She couldn't quiet make out what it was but it had moved and slither into the water. Picking herself up. She told herself It must have been a rat. Damn things seem to love there base. She killed them every time she saw one. She had no time to deal with an infestation right now. She had to get the Intel back to the base. Looking around her. The sewer had a strange aura about it. It was probably the shadows shifting here and there. Picking up her feet she feel again. This time landing on her side. Getting Water all over her uniform. She Yelled out "FUCK!!" She stomped her foot down back at what she tripped on. "Ow Do you mind cheri?" She heard a familiar voice. That sent shivers down her spine. She retracted her foot back to her body. Her body became frozen with fear as she heard it again. "What are you doing down here Petite fille?" She began to stagger backwards with fear. Inching away slowly. His French accent was clear that he was the spy. That didn't explain what she had tripped on. She felt as though she had frozen in her place. As her hand set up a large slimly thing in the water. Feeling a head rest on her shoulder. She could feel his hot breath on her neck. As she began to shiver in fear. "Now now. Don't be scared." The Briefcase of Intel was taken from her back and tossed down the sewer. The sound of concrete banging against it said she was close to the middle point. Feeling soft kisses up her neck. Her body was stuck between reality. His hands wrapped in front of her body. As he began to drag her down farther down the sewer. Unable to squirm away from his grip. She was scared of what might happen if she tried to get away. Reaching up her shirt with his hand he softly massage her breast as played with her nipple. Dragging the soft gloved finger around it. They had stopped moving by what looked to be the middle of the sewer. The lights were shining brightly down at her. This was her chance to see what this thing was. Turning her head slowly To see. She saw the BLU mask on her attacker. He smiled slowly at her. Showing his sharp jagged teeth to her. Growing into a sadistic grin. A small tentacle emerged from the water to fix point her head forward and up. Placing a hard bite on her neck. She let out a loud scream. As his sharp long teeth dug into her skin. Covering her mouth with his tentacle. He whispered in her ear. "Don't cry un petit bébé. You should have listened to your fellow mercenaries. It has been a long time since i have seen a Mademoiselle." Holding her breath deeply trying not to move. As if it would make her invisible to him. Licking the blood dripping from her neck. She closed her eyes and tried to turn her head. As a wave of pain struck through her. His upper body was pressed against her back. Feeling every breath come out of his body. Made her fear him more. Letting off his tentacle. She gasped in a long breath. Trying to relax her body. Sadly failing in every attempt. Twisting her head to look at him. With his free hand. Tears were sliding down her face. She hated to let anyone see her cry but she didn't really have any choice in the matter. As prideful as she was. She hated her self for showing emotion to such a monster. "I"ve watched you up there. mon Belle colombe. The way you move and the way you walk. Oh comment il fait mon coeur chanter." Dragging his ungloved finger across her lips. They felt soft but his nails were long and sharp. Having a point to them. Just like his teeth. Again he dragged his finger. This time pressing his nail hard on her lower lip. Tearing it open. Causing it to bleed. She let out a yelp. Taking his finger into his mouth. Licking the blood dripping off his finger. "You taste as good as you look chérie" Dragging his nails across her uniform He tore it apart with ease. Leaving her vulnerable. Naked and cold. The fragments of her clothes were torn away from her body with an arsenal of tentacles. Tossing it to the side with the briefcase in the corner. It was no use to her now all torn up. Her head still fixed to the side by his hand. She looked clearly into his eyes. With a frustrated growl. Her look soon feel at the sight of his slited eyes. Dark blue eyes with a gorgeous green tint to it. She swallowed loudly at the sight of him. What was he going to do to her? Tear her piece by piece? Mutated her body and keep her skull as a trophy? She didn't know and frankly she wished he would get it over with. So she could respawn and forget this ever happened. He wasn't going to let her go that easily. He has waited for her to come down here. What does he want with her? Planting a frim kiss on her lips. He wasn't trying to hurt her this time. Closing her eyes slowly by the shook of it all. She momentary enjoyed this affection. A little more the she probably should have. His accent was was making her a bit hot in the lower religions. Dispute hurting her. She couldn't help it. His lips left hers. To Whisper only for a moment to her in French. "Laissez-vous aller mon cher. Je suis ici pour vous s'il vous plaît." His voice was intoxicating to her. As though he put some sort of spell on here. She could feel her senses drifting away. As the sound of his voice. Her body was relaxing against his. As she reached up to pull his arms closers to her. Her mind slipping away from her. Not worrying about anything at this point. All that mattered was this spy. BLU as he was and her RED. It seemed so taboo for them to even be talking but it felt so right. In all the wrong ways. He let go of her cheek. To plant another kiss on her lips. exploring her mouth with his tongue. It seemed to be the natural thing about him. His right hand slide down her waist line. to Stroke her Clitoris. She let out a muffled yelp. Breaking the kiss. She leaned her head down to breath heavily. Coupling her left breast with his other hand. She felt so hot even though her body was so cold from the water around them. Called the sewer. It really wasn't It was filled with clear water so the mercs could travel between bases. Her body bucked up. At his touch. As he inserted a finger inside her. Letting out a low moan. She squeezed her legs together. To urge him deeper in. She felt so strange. She didn't feel herself at all. What was he doing to her. Did she really want this? Her mind was gone and no where to be found. Lost as it was by the touch of this creature. Speaking to her again. His hot breath on her ear. That sent shivers down her spine. "Tu es à moi maintenant. Mon doux amour. Je peux vous faire croire en quoi que ce soit." The language of love. What ever he said to her. Made her tingle with excitement. Every part of her body wanted him. Strange as it was to want such a thing. It was the spell he put on her. Taking out his finger. She made a disapproving groan at him. Batting her eye lashes. Her mind was slipping back slightly. Only for a moment to see where she was. Letting out a loud scream "Help!!" She cried at the top of her lungs. Hoping someone near by would hear her. Inserting a tentacle into her mouth. To keep her from talking. It was salty and slimy. Disgusting and almost made her hurl from the taste. He began to slide it in and out of her mouth. As if she would be performing oral on him. Obviously he doesn't have such a thing on him but on the look on his face. He was gaining pleasure from it. She could see him biting hard down on his lip. Eyes rolling up into his head. She was pleasing him. Her arms were tightly bound together by a couple of his tentacles. To Keep her from Struggling. She wasn't under his spell for now but there wasn't anything she could do to stop it. Taking in all she could. She began to gag. He was going it to deep into her throat. He pulled it out for a moment so let her speak. "Why are you doing this? Please let me go." He dragged the Tentacle down her body. "Comme je l'ai dit. Mon cher, vous êtes à moi et votre ne va pas quitter de sitôt." Slowly inserting it inside her. She Let out a pained scream. It was so big inside her. All she could feel was pain. His voice soothed her as he spoke to her. "Détendez-vous mon cher. Ecoutez ma voix. Que le sentiment de prendre la main sur vous." With all her might. She tried to relax her body. There was no use of getting away now. She had to let him have his way with her. If she was ever to get away. His tentacle seemed to go deeper with each trust inside her. Unsure of what she was really feeling anymore. Her lower body cringed every time he inserted inside her. Painful groans escaped her mouth. She Pressed her cheek on his chest. His hands wrapping around. His right hand softly trailed up and down her cheek. At an attempt to sooth her pain. Resting his head on top of hers. "Il va bien se passer ma colombe sueur. Tout sera bientôt fini." Her body was mesmerized by the sound of his voice. Tantalizing as it was. Taking ahold of her. Letting go of her mind Once again. She let him fill her deeper inside. Her body almost numb from the cold water. She could barely feel anything anymore. Even her mind felt like it was going numb. Hearing a gun shot from down in the sewer. She Spy let go of his grip of her. Sliding into the water. He disappeared from sight. Her body feel to float of the cold water. Everything was numb. "Bloody Hell!" She heard from a voice she seemed to have forgotten. Before she could comprehend where she was. She awoke in the arms of the sniper. Caring her through the base with a blanket over her naked body. In sleepy trance. She looked up at him weakly. "Mundy? Is that you?" Saying his name. She hadn't forgotten him. How could she? His sunglasses were missing. They seemed to be perched up on top of his hat. She has never seen his eyes this clearly before. A vibrant green that were glazed so perfectly. So beautiful. She wondered to herself why he would hide such gorgeous eyes. He looked really like he was scared half to death. "Are you alright? I heard you screaming from under the base. Did that thing hurt you?" She couldn't think clearly but it made her smile weakly at him. "I'm alright now. Please don't leave me alone tonight......." To ask such a thing of a mercenary but she was terrified. She could collect any coherent thought long enough to realize what she was asking of him. She set her head along with her hand on his chest. Taking in the smell of his cologne. His smell made her feel at home. She was safe. She heard his heart beat faster. Was he nervous? Closing her eyes. She never minded it. She didn't want this moment to end. Opening the door to his van. He set her on the soft surprising plush bed. She started to feel warm up under the blankets. Walking away for just a moment. She heard the sound of glass clattering together. While she blankly stared the door in front of her. He soon came back to her with a cup of hot tea. Setting it to the side. He helped her sit up. The blanket slipped off her body. exposing her breasts to him. She looked up at him to see his face had turned pink. Why was he embarrassed? She wondered. He helped her cover herself up and handed her the cup of tea. Sitting next to her with his back to her. He asked "What happened to you?" Setting the tea on her lap. She looked straight ahead of her. "I should have listened to scout. He was right. That Spy down there was.....i......" She trailed off. As her gaze turned down. He turned to looked at her. Her mind seemed to slip off to god knows where. That thing did something horrible to her. He set his hand on top of hers and intertwined his fingers with hers. maybe somehow it would comfort her. This was no ordinary battle she went through. This was something much more. Even the Pyro isn't this bad. Her hand was cold but after a few seconds. She lightly curled back her fingers to grab his. She could feel her mind slowly returning to her. "Mundy?...." She asked him with a frail tone. Sitting next to her on his bed. He looked up at the ceiling with her. "Yeah? What is it?" He answered back. The sound of his gruff voice. Made her feel so comfortable. Whenever she was with him. She had to tell him how she felt. What an odd time to tell someone you have feelings for them. "I'm......sorry......for running away yesterday.........i just..........." She Bite down on his cut lip. It was painful but she felt like she deserved it. For all she's done. "....don't know if you......." He interrupted her to speak. "Feel the same?......." Tilting his head down slightly. "How could i not?" She smiled weakly as she set the tea on a nearby shelf above the bed. She curled up next to him. To set her head on his chest. Closing her eyes to take in another deep breath of that wonderful smell of his. Setting his other hand on her shoulder. The silence they shared as they usually do felt more....romantic. Being as it was they were so close. She couldn't help but look up at him for a moment to place a soft kiss on his neck. Sliding back down to curl up on his chest. Listening to his heart beat pump faster then before. He really did like her. I thought mercenary weren't spouse to have feelings? Maybe she was an exception.
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Why. So. Many. Full. Stops?
I think the English needs work. Also, you don't need to put a fullstop/period for every short statement, You could just put a comma instead. Apart from that, I enjoyed reading it.
I think this needs a serious proofreading. The sentenc tentaspy e structure is very choppy. Some words also look like they've been autocorrected e,g, "spouse" where it should be "supposed". The French is speaking is totally unneeded. We understand, french is sexy however it should not interrupt what little flow there is to this story. General rule, The sentence should make sense regardless if a person can speak french or not. The dialogue is very stilted and unnatural sounding. Another tip, don't excede more than three "..." otherwise it looks very choppy again. Moral of the story, reformat. Get a beta reader.
What everyone else said, times a million. ALSO Your French is shit. Borderline gibberish is spots. I'm guessing you used an online translator? See, the issue with them is they translate word by word, and that's not how to really translate, so the sentences end up completely unreadable. Plus, the gender of your nouns is off. You can't call a woman 'Mon Cher', because that's the masculine term. You can only use it for guys. You'd have to say 'Ma chère' to use it for the feminine. But yeah, you desperately need a refresher course in English, if it isn't your first language. 'Bodys' is not a word. If you want to pluralize it, it becomes 'bodies'. And I still don't understand why you chose to randomly capitalize certain words in the middle of sentences, like Raven and Brown.
We really don't get to know that much about "She" in this story. You state that she's a "tenth female class", well, what class is that? I think it would be really cool to explain a little more of "Her" class and what her specific job is. That might give us a better grasp of the character and a better way to "get in tune" with her.
In addition to everyone else's critiques, I want to add that your line breaks are fucked. Unless you're formatting like a traditional book with a single line break, followed by an indent (which is not the preferred format online, anyway), you need to have an empty line between each paragraph. Right now almost the entire story is one long, cluttered, unreadable paragraph. You capitalizing is all over the place. You have "..........." mega-ellipses everywhere that need to go. I strongly recommend getting a good, patient, thorough proof-reader. They can help a lot. Also: tenth classes are, in my opinion, pretty gauche. Some people like 'em but those people are few and far between except, as you mentioned, on DeviantArt.