i blame this on whoever wrote "devil in your hands". Glorious. - Scout groaned with frustration, wrenched harder at the cuffs that held his wrists and ankles to the wall. "PLEASE," he gasped through grinding teeth. "You know right well what I'm after. Give me what I want and you're free." "FREAK." Sniper drew close to the shivering body, leaned in to smell the tang of fresh sweat. Scout snarled, but his face softened almost instantly. He was too desperate to focus his energy on mere rage. His guts burned and he wriggled, frantic, as long fingers stroked up and down his sides gently. "You'll feel so much better, love," Sniper murmured, "It can all be over in a minute." "NO." "You can't last forever." He leaned in to kiss his lover's jugular, to suck along the sharp collarbone. One hand wrapped around the back of Scout's neck and held him still. With his free hand, Sniper unbuckled Scout's belt and slipped underneath it to fondle the soft cock. "PERVERT," Scout cried. His voice cracked horribly; he was close to his breaking point. Sniper's heart drilled through his veins and, unconsciously, he began to grind his erection against his teammate's lean thigh. "Come on now," the filthy words shivered in the air, "Just let it go... Come on, love. It can all be over in a minute." He kissed the fluttering temple, and then - "There you go... Yes, there's a good boy. Let it all go." Tears finally broke from Scout's eyes and he cried quietly. He trembled in little convulsions, miniature explosions as his body shuddered in Sniper's arms. Hot shame flooded him and at last he was empty.
While I’m sure it’s very flattering for the author of ‘Devil In Your Hands’ to know that their work has inspired others, the greatest compliment an artist can receive, I’m sad to see that this is all there is to your story. It’s very short, and it is, in fact, not even technically a story. It might be helpful for you to read this short tumblr post on PWP, Porn Without Plot, and why I’d generally advice you to avoid writing it: http://writingcyan.tumblr.com/post/32008126745/fanfic-pet-peeves-2-pwp
Hehhh... I know it's PWP, but I still enjoyed it.
Well, you wrote the reaction from a naive pure teenage boy who's experiencing any sexual thing for the first of his life fluently. I think it is well portrayed how an innocent kid getting so ambarassed when he learns what orgasm is and he can be turned on when there's a stimulation on his penis.
You know, after reading this, I was thinking that you wrote it so deliberately subtly that in fact by the end of the pwp, if the reader didn't already know what was going on, then there could be some misinterpretation. It would seem that >>4 confirms my thoughts.
>>4 Think about a boy flattered to imagine grabbing hands and buying candy and icecream with his girlfriend, protecting her from bully kids like a comic book hero and even a sweet bird kiss on the chick from her, but suddenly surprised and ambarassed when he hears adults talking about deep kiss and caressing big breasts, then getting flushed saying "I don't understand why adults like such dirty thing, eww!"
This was pretty well written. Would have liked to see the fic around it. However, and mostly to the other commenters, Scout is not a teenage boy. He's in his 20's (and most likely a virgin) but he's probably wanked it before. I don't think this is Scout's first reaction to stimulation, I think this is his reaction to being chained to a wall and raped. To author: You can't gasp through grinding teeth. Also you can't kiss someone's jugular (unless you're Medic).
>>7 That's why I said 'a pure naive teenage boy'. I already read the loadout stats of track terrorizer before and knew that he is at least 23, which means he can be older. Of course, scout is one of those dirty adults in >>6.
>>4 i'm so confused this fic is about sniper raping scout not scout's magical first sexual experience
Hey, OP, you should listen to cyan's advice. Lady knows her way around a fic. I'd also like to second whirr It's a rape fic dude. It's just, kind of a rape fic. You can't look at this story as some "teenager who is embarrassed about arousal" What no thats like ordering a big mac and insisting its a salad because it has lettuce and a tomato on it. Plus, scouts in his 20's and we don't even know if he's a virgin. (most people like to assume he is though)
>>4 You know what? I was nice. I’m done being nice. This is TF2chan and we don’t take well to bullshit here. Well, you wrote the reaction from a naive pure teenage boy who's experiencing any sexual thing for the first of his life fluently. I think it is well portrayed how an innocent kid getting so ambarassed when he learns what orgasm is and he can be turned on when there's a stimulation on his penis. Scout? Scout? Mr. Ya Wanna See Me With My Shirt Off ‘Cuz It’s Awesome? As a naive pure teenage boy? What the hell is this, Fifty Shades of Grey? Scout is confirmed to be at least 23 years old in the game (check the blurb for the Track Terrorizer) and he hits on everything with boobs. He has seven older brothers. There’s no way, no fucking way, that this guy is naive about sex. Are you telling me you honestly believe Scout has never masturbated? That’s bullshit. What’s so far past bullshit that it’s slipped the moral event horizon is your praise of what you believe to be the defilement of an innocent, young child. What kind of child is innocent about sex, doesn’t know what an orgasm is, has never had an erection? A prepubescent one. What you’re describing is child rape, straight out paedophilia. That’s fucking disgusting. If I were a mod, I’d ban you for that comment (anons #5 and #6 too, if they’re not just your sockpuppets). Get the fuck out of my ‘Chan. >>1 You wrote PWP with no exposition, background story, or setting description, and what you got were paedophiles jerking off to your Out-Of-Character mess of bad writing. This is why Scout abuse should be deftly handled and I’m sorry to say that yours was not. Unless you tell your readers why Sniper has chained up Scout to give him a wank, nothing in your snippet makes any damn sense. It’s vastly out of character for Sniper, for one; he’s a professional assassin and he has to work with Scout after this. Does he think Scout will be so intimidated by him that he won’t get a bat to the back of his head the moment Scout is out of those chains? Does he expect Scout to enjoy it and fall in love with him? Both are unlikely. This is very obviously rape and there’s no way Sniper could delude himself that it isn’t, despite calling Scout ‘love’ and kissing him, when Scout is chained to the wall and screaming capital-letters ‘NO’. So why is Sniper doing it? What’s his motive? I don’t think you thought to give him one, too excited by the prospect of making him show Scout his ~*love*~. This is exactly why PWP is bad and why you shouldn’t write it, and it makes you an honest to God bad writer. Secondly, do you really believe that having a guy give him a handjob is enough to make Scout cry? He’d be screaming insults at the top of his lungs all the way through his orgasm. This, this train wreck of a not-story you’ve written, is not a TF2 fanfic. Remove the class signifiers and no one would be able to guess which fandom this is from. This frankly doesn’t belong on TF2chan and I’m beginning to think that neither do you. Take your paedo-baiting underage crap back to Deviant Art, and kindly remove you sycophantic friends too. Cyan out.
well... that escalated quickly.
Once upon a time, i am the OP. A) It's about urinating, not jerking off. Sorry I didn't make that clear enough. B) No idea how the pedo thing came about, and not only that, but i don't know any of these people here. C) It is short because i wanted it to be that damn short. D) What the fuck is with all the anti-PWP lately? Sheesh. i've got more working, just not sure where i want to take it yet. Can everyone please calm down now?
>>13 a) lol what this was about peeing??? i feel like that came out of left-field although i didnt read "devil in your hands" so maybe it has to do with that but peeing im laughing no that was not clear at all
Erm...no intentions of interfering your glorius discussion, but: I had read it like the OP intended it. So for me, it was clear what Scout was doing, at least "emptying onesef" stands more for urinating than orgasm for me. Plus the Scout's accusion of Snipes being a pervert also would indicate something off the track. Something Scout experiences as perverted; given that he usually is pictured as that cheeky boy who happens to have a vivid libido , not exactly straight in the chan but also not that often into fetishes, Snipers indicated love for urin and urination would of course disgust Scout. Note to the side: Devil in your hands has only brought us Snipes and his fetish so far, if the OP says the story inspired him to write those lines, he surely sticked to the idea already given. Though, dear OP, the lack of background information makes it difficult to find into the siuation described. Oh, just noticed: Sniper is stating that Scout would not last forever; the boy did not have even the slightest of erections ( soft cock) when that was said. Surely there is stuff to improove, but don't nail the OP down for not managing to get the picture he intended to paint.
>>15 i was reading it as a rape scenario, so i read "Hot shame flooded him and at last he was empty" as an internal escape, not an orgasm; putting himself outside of his body to escape the reality of being raped. i also read the fondling of the soft cock and "you can't hold out forever" as he wouldn't be able to keep himself soft forever and his body would eventually give into the attention and he would involuntarily get an erection. and "pervert" i thought was kind of obvious because hello only perverts chain people up and rape them. don't nail the OP down for not managing to get the picture he intended to paint. why would i not tell op they didn't get across the point they were trying to get across that's kind of the point of writing???
>>13 See, this is exactly why PWP is a bad idea. I had no idea this snippet was about a micturition fetish; having your word for it, I can read it again and see where you hinted at it, but both I and >>4 misinterpreted everything about your story. I got very upset and >>4 got their pedobear on, and neither reaction was what you were going for, I’m sure. The problem is that your readers lack important information about the scenario here. Apart from ‘burning gut’ and ‘emptying’, you don’t refer to the nature of Sniper’s fixation at all, your descriptions are vague enough that something sexual can (and considering the genre, will) be read into it, and you fail to deliver the payoff in form of a final revelation. It would have been amazing if this story gave the impression all the way through of being about sex, and then at the end it turned out that Sniper was after something different all along—that would have surprised the reader, that would have been the kind of good story we usually see from the master of twist endings, TeratoMarty. When I urge you to avoid the PWP genre, it’s because PWP makes for bad stories. Now that I know what you were going for with your snippet, I can see the outlines of a good story in it. You could write a beautiful erotic short story simply by fleshing out what you already have and changing the ending to include the revelation of Sniper’s fetish. That would be his motivation, the one I couldn’t find in your fic, and that would be the all-important source of conflict as well, his burning need to fulfil a desire that most people would find disgusting. You could start your story in media res, at the same point your snippet starts: Sniper has captured the other team’s Scout and chained him up. Make your readers think what Sniper is doing is rape, the way his breathing comes in hard gasps and his usually steady hands are shaking with excitement and nervousness at finally getting what he’s wanted so long, the way he keeps telling Scout he won’t hurt him, he just needs this, and then finally, the climax, when Scout gives in and takes a piss and the readers realise what this is all about. Wow! Talk about a mental knockout! Afterwards, Sniper lets the Scout loose and he runs off, calling him ‘a sick fucker’ and threatening to brain him on the battlefield, but Sniper doesn’t care, sated on the sight and smell of Scout relieving himself in his hands. This would be an awesome twist and it’d have all the elements necessary to raise your snippet from PWP to a proper erotic short story, the kind I would link to on my personal blog. I hope you might consider writing that story, and I hope this explanation is more helpful to you than my previous post, for which I'm sorry. I let my anger get the better of me and I am ashamed of my name-calling. Please accept my apology. As for >>4 though, I still think you’re a creep.
>>5 here. See? I told you. It was too subtle. If people didn't know beforehand that it was about urination, (based on your author's note referencing the other story) then they wouldn't have ever known. Also I have no idea what anyone else is talking or arguing about here, lol. You all are so crazy and mad.
LISTEN TO CYAN OP also urination really what huh I don't buy it as urination. At all. Something you should work on I guess. Also, have some sort of set up. This fic feels like scout and sniper and randomly jacking it out back for no apparent reason. I don't even know where they are. Where are they? What team are they even on? Also, how is this not rape seriously. It's about sniper fondling scouts balls and kissing parts of his neck that should be inside his neck while scout is chained up. And if he is just pissing, it's obviously for snipers sexual pleasure so it's still rape. This is ridiculous
For me, the problem isn't the PWP. I love PWP. I always thought there is somethin' liberating, deliciously futile, funny and even sexy (in a shallow way, hehe)about PWP. So, when the premise clearly isn't about doing something deep, i support it. But i have to agree this is not well-writen. PWP is not suppose to be poorly. Your piece of work is confunsing, with sentences that aren't, how can i say, connecting, aren't helping the reader's imagination; Scout is indeed acting like a little underaged boy who doesn't have a clue about sex, fetishes and stuff (what he isn't. No two ways about it. He just isn't). The description of the urination wasn't subtle, it was so generic and out of the context(in case, the watersports fetish, i guess) that i had to read it twice to spot it...and i'm still having trouble lol! And, so, this make this piece of work not sexy at all. The problem isn't because it's a PWP, no way. The problem is just that is not well-written. P.S.:Mr. writer, i hope i'm not being rude with you. I don't like to be. I'm just being as neutral and helpful as i can. Please, don't interpret this comment as a flame. P.S.2: sorry about the bad english.
The Art of Storycraft, or, Stuff You Should Have Learned In English/Creative Writing Human being like stories. That's one of those things, along with the fixation on sex, food, and terrible jokes, that are as old as humanity itself. And because we've been sitting around the metaphorical fire listening to or crafting stories for so long, we expect a certain structure to our stories. (Yes, the masters have tweaked our expectation of what does or does not constitute a story, but even they took a steady progression of experimentation with different aspects of storytelling before going full abstract performance art on us.) Here's the typical structure of a story: 1) The Setup, or "Once Upon a Time". You don't have to start at the very beginning, but you definitely need to build proper Suspension of Disbelief--we readers know that the characters are fictional and that you're building a fantasy scenario (even if it doesn't involve sex). It's your job to build a strong enough visual picture for us to say to ourselves: "Okay, I'll go with this." 2) The Conflict, or "What Is At Stake". There's a couple base forms of conflict: Man versus Nature/God (outside force more powerful than you), Man versus Man (both individually or as a collective in the form of society, government, corporations, etc.), and Man versus Self (fighting between the "lower" instincts and "higher" aspirations inside of us). 3) Building Action, or "How We Got Here". Again, sometimes it's okay to skip the "boring parts", so long as you at least mention it in passing. And it's okay if it doesn't make 100% sense, so long as the internal logic to the story itself holds water. Even porn usually doesn't start with two people fucking--they spend a few minutes explaining who they are (a lonely housewife and a hunky pizza delivery guy, for example), a paper thin excuse to have them go at it (she doesn't have enough money to pay him), and at least a little bit of foreplay (the clothes have to come off, at least) to prepare their bodies for the action. 4) The Climax, or "Everything Comes Down To This". And I don't mean a sexual orgasm. I mean it's the scene that will decide the outcome of the main conflict: Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader, Gandalf vs. the Balrog, Ben Braddock trying to stop Elaine's wedding with someone else...This is the scene that pays the biggest emotional payoff ("catharsis", if you care for fancy words). Your job is to make the reader care about the outcome, root for one side or the other to win. 5) The Denouement, or "What Do We Do Now?" The story isn't over just because the main conflict has been resolved. Now the characters have to deal with the aftermath. 6) The Resolution, or "And Then They Lived Happily (or Not) Ever After". Even if this is only a small part of a bigger story, you still need to give the readers some sense of finality. So let's grade your story on the above. 1) The Setup: Starting out with Scout chained to the wall is certainly a fascinating plot hook, but this leaves the reader wondering "Okay, how did that happen?" and "Why would the Sniper do that?" Grade: B- (has potential, but needs refinement) 2) The Conflict: Sniper v. Scout is fairly obvious, and ditto Scout v. Himself. Grade: C (average) 3) Building Action: This is where the lack of detail in this story hurts it the most. Again, the questions of "how" and "why" come up again. Also, where is this taking place? Wouldn't the rest of the team come running once Scout starts hollering? What's Scout experiencing besides "being felt up against his will" and "impotent rage"? It's not enough to just tell us that he's mad, go into the details. Is it the helplessness, the unwanted contact, that Sniper's the one touching him, or some combination of the above that upsets the Scout the most? How does having a bladder full of pee and trying to hold it in feel? Grade: D (insufficient) 4) The Climax: Again, utterly lacking in detail or clarity--the moment itself doesn't even happen "on screen", you just read the Sniper and the Scout's reaction to it. What actually happened? Did the Sniper provide a jar? What kind of "pee fetish" does Sniper have, anyway? There's lots of those--there's the "holding it in" fetish, there's the "wetting oneself" fetish, there's the "being peed on" fetish... Grade F (there's literally almost nothing there) 5) The Resolution: The story ends far too early. Scout, and the reader, are literally left hanging. What about the part where Sniper (or someone else) lets him down, cleans him up, and weathers the emotional fallout? The way you wrote the story, Scout didn't want to be chained up or made to wet himself, so what does he do now that it's over besides cry? Grade: D (insufficient) 6) The Ending: Because of the above, the story doesn't feel like it's over. If it were an episode on TV, this would just be going into a commercial break. Grade: F (again, nothing here) Some more comments that are more on the "opinion" side than anything else: 1) Lack of or dubious consent is totally not my cup of tea. I like my fantasy sex where both parties can completely enjoy themselves without the icky subtext of one side making the other do something by coercion, drugs, or whatever. I rarely make an exception for this, so your story already gained major negative points at the get-go. 2) Both of your characters are nothing like what they are portrayed to be like in the canon material. Yes, these dudes don't have to be "The [Class]" as we see in the game or on the wiki, but there's still a general set of expectations I have for how they might think, talk, and act. You could literally change their names to anything else (even just "A" and "B") and it would make no difference to your story whatsoever.