They were losing, badly. This, in my opinion, would be a better opening line. The dialogue lines are somewhat lacking in context even to someone who's played the game. Alternately, begin with vivid descriptions with some (or all) of the classes dying in various horrible ways. Then the narrative doesn't even have to tell us that BLU team has shit performance. Classes insulting each other I'm feeling kind of lukewarm about the dialogue in the arguments. They sound too "scripted" for people being frustrated. And if the team "doesn't really dislike each other" as the Sniper seems to think, then their insults shouldn't be that personal (unless you're purposely painting Sniper out to be terrible at understanding his own teammates). Computer code thing I have to admit, starting on line 9000 made me chuckle a bit, but otherwise I'm not really sure what this chunk adds to the plot as a whole. Foreshadowing? The next scene does that, with Engie and Heavy discussing respawn feeling weird. Seeing the code also threw me out of the story a bit, because I asked myself "Would they even be using BASIC? Why not COBOL or FORTRAN?" Also, I'm getting ahead of the plot, but how do you see the computers being interacted with? I don't think they would have command line even in the world of TF2's technology. It'd all be punch cards and prodigious plugging and unplugging of connections. Lightning goes zappy This makes very little sense even if I handwave the whole "I'm not sure lightning can do that" concern. Yes, the places that the characters fight in are horrendously hazardous even without the other team trying to kill them, but as far as I can tell, Respawn is one of the few things that was not cut corners on. In real life, a place like Thunder Mountain would have things like lightning rods, Faraday cages around sensitive electrical equipment, and multiple redundant systems so that a catastrophic failure would be less likely. Look at 2fort, for example--all of those computers are underground, in the deepest part of the base. (Now, I am not a fan of the "Respawn going derp" plot in general, so you'd probably have to work extra hard to sell it to me, so you're free to take this chunk of opinion with a grain of salt.)