Magically Made for Each Other By IBrotato ----- “Good evening Ma’am, do you have a reservation?†“Yes.†“The name, please?†“Merasmus.†The Scout drummed his fingers on the table as he watched Merasmus and Soldier from a distant table. He took a gulp of his cola as he listened to Merasmus talk animatedly about potions. Scout smiled to himself as he stuffed a handful of fries into his mouth, he was such a kind and generous soul to help out a guy in need. Screw those chuckleheads who thought he was self absorbed! He was the best damn thing there was. Of course that wasn’t his only motivation. Hopefully if Merasmus and Soldier got together they’d fight less. That meant Merasmus would try and kill them less often. He’d gotten a cool hat out of it, but not everything was about hats. Scout chuckled, alright who was he kidding. Hats were the shit. There was a puff of static in the Scout’s earpiece as Merasmus chuckled. “Hey that’s good, hold his hand.†Scout said into his earpiece. Merasmus was wearing a matching wire that the Soldier somehow had not noticed yet. Merasmus looked over the Soldier’s shoulder to look at Scout then grabbed the Soldier’s hand. Scout gave a thumbs up and mentally patted himself on the back again. Suddenly, there was a poof of green smoke and an ancient book appeared on the Scout’s lap. “Hey buddy! Pssst, mister over here.†The Bominomicon whispered to Scout. “Aww hell no!†The Scout picked up the book and dropped in on the table, shooting a glance at the wizard. “Merasmus, get control over your freaky-ass book.†“Don’t be like that, you should look at me. I’m pretty interesting, lots of cool stuff to read.†The book’s eyes glowed red as its mouth clacked open and shut. Merasmus nervously looked at the Scout and the book. “Hey, what are you looking at?†The Soldier moved to look over his shoulder. “No!†Merasmus grabbed the Soldier’s shoulder and turned him back around. “I mean, er, hello. Hello Soldier.†Soldier blinked then smiled, “Hello Merasmus! How are you? Say this is a nice American restaurant.†Merasmus frowned, “It’s French.†“Ha, you big joker. You’re just like the rest of the team. This food is American, the French just borrowed it.†Merasmus laughed nervously as he watched the Soldier chuckle and the Scout panic. “Nice try!†The Scout frowned at the talking book on the table. “You ain’t taking these eyes. Besides, reading’s for dorks.†“Yeah because it’s not like reading makes you smart or anything. Your mother must be very proud of you.†The book rolled its eyes. Its strange glowing red eyes. “Don’t talk crap about my ma!†“Well I’m a bomb book, what do you expect? I make things go boom, it’s a pretty good living. Except when punks like you start showing no respect. Then it’s not cool.†The Scout poked the book on the cover binding, “Listen you freaky piece of crap. You better shut it or I’ll f-†“Bomb head for you.†The book laughed as the Scout’s head transformed into a large bomb. “How’s that feel buddy?†The response was screaming, “Argh my head! It’s a bomb, help me. Medic!†Merasmus’s eyes widened and he quickly let go of Soldier’s hand as he watched Scout’s head turn into a comically oversized bomb. “Bombinomicon you fool! †Merasmus pushed out his chair and grabbed his staff leaning against table. The Soldier looked over his shoulder, “What’s the matter no- look out, he has a bomb head!†Soldier leapt to his feet and grabbed a knife from the table. He threw it at the Scout’s bomb head, but it bounced off, falling harmlessly to the floor with a clink. “From the ancient eldritch horrors I summon thee, spirits aid me. Magicus!†Green mist poured from the rod, surrounding the Scout. It slammed Scout against the ground, keeping him still. “Soldier, we have to evacuate. I cannot contain the bomb for long!†“Everybody run, he has a book! Civilians evacuate the area.†Soldier opened the door and started forcibly pushing people outside. Plates and cutlery were spilt to the floor in haste as everyone ran towards the exit. A loud ticking noise filled the air and the Bomb on Scout’s head began to swell larger and larger, “You have to get out of here, it’s gonna blow!†“Soldier, hurry!†Merasmus strained as he tried to contain the expanding bomb. The Bombinomicon started counting down. “I’m gonna give you till five. Ready? Five!†The Soldier grunted as he slammed the door shut after the last person left. “Hold on Scout, I’ll help you!†The Soldier tackled the Scout and started grabbing at the bomb attached to the Scout’s neck. “Three. Ooh this is going to be good†“Soldier move, or you will certainly die! †Merasmus shouted angrily. “I will not leave a man behind, no matter how annoying he is!†“One. BOOM!†Merasmus took cover behind a fallen table as the bodies of the Soldier and the Scout were both blown backwards and obscured in green and black smoke. Meramus was knocked to the floor, coughing and choking on the acrid smog. “Soldier!†Merasmus choked, “Soldier are you okay?†The smoke cleared to reveal the Scout and the Soldier lying still on the floor. “Holy crap. Never again.†Scout sat up and put a hand on his head. Merasmus knelt down and shook Soldier’s shoulder gently. “Soldier. Soldier are you okay?†The Soldier groaned then pushed himself up with his arms. “Well what do you have to say for yourself private? That was pathetic!†“Excuse me †Merasmus frowned then stood up. “I was not the one who charged in like an empty headed fool.†“My head is not empty. It is full of one hundred percent all American brains! You clearly have no experience in the face of battle. You just have to dive in head first!†Soldier swinging his arm for emphasis, then swayed dangerously on his feet. “Woah.†Merasmus put an arm around Soldier to support him. “I have self- preservation skills. You could have died.†“I could not have died. I haven’t been taking your heart medication for nothing†The Soldier grinned pushed up his helmet. “My heart medication...†Merasmus trailed off, then started laughing. “You are the worst roommate, stealing my stuff. But right now I couldn’t be more glad.†“Thanks! You’re pretty good yourself. That magic stuff is,†The Soldier reddened, “Quite impressive. Yes sir, you are quite impressive.†Merasmus surveyed the restaurant. There was a large hole in the roof, the tables were on fire, and the fourth wall was completely blown away. “So I assume the date is over.†“Nonsense! I will escort you to our home then kiss you outside your room. I will not do things by halves. †Soldier held out his hand, Merasmus took it. “And on the next date,†The Soldier continued, “We will go see a movie, or go to a fair.†“You two are on your own. You guys are just the slightest bit insane,†The Scout wheezed as he picked himself off the floor. Merasmus turned to Scout, “Thank you for your help boy. And I do apologize for the,†he waved his hand around searching the for the right word, “Bomb incident.†“Hey, I ain’t sorry!†The Bombinomicon hissed and clacked its pointed teeth “Yes you are.†Merasmus stooped to pick the book, dusting off the leather binding before tucking it under his arm. “I am in your debt.†The Soldier turned to Merasmus, handing him a charred looking flower, more ash than petal. “Shall we?†“Of courseâ€, Merasmus stooped down and planted a quick kiss to the top of Soldier’s helmet. Soldier blushed, “Come here cupcake†He squeezed Merasmus’s hand. Soldier stood on his toes, reaching up to plant a kiss on the wizard’s lips. ----- Prompt: I request a hilarious scenario in which Merasmus harbours a secret unrequited crush on Soldier. Soldier, of course, is hopelessly oblivious. Seeking some advice, Merasmus somehow find himself admitting everything to Scout. Scout assures him that he's the master of pickup lines and insists he isn't 'gay or nothin' but he'll help out a guy in need. Merasmus is naive enough to trust Scout's guidance, so they manage to set up a 'date' with solider in a restaurant setting. Scout prompts Merasmus through his headset with things to say to Soldier and hilarity ensues. You can decide how this ends. Will it be heartbreak or a happy end? Only time will tell.