Hmngh... well, looking over it, there are loads of tiny things I might have changed about the wording, but a lot of that falls into personal preference- besides, then it would start looking like my writing instead of yours, and that would be weird. The character's accents were odd in a few places; writing consistent, obvious (ie. obviously Southern, or obviously Jamaican, or obviously Irish), but clearly understandable accents in character dialogue is something I've struggled with since long before Team Fortress 2 existed. In some ways, this is also a matter of personal preference; the way some people write accents bugs me, but as long as I can look at a sentence and understand it immediately (and as long as it's not horribly garbled to the point that the character seems to be speaking in several different accents and speech impediments at once, ie. "Aww danke my dear frwend!"), I can't complain too much. I try listening to character responses when I get uncertain, and temper accented character dialogue ignoring words that would just be completely fucking muddled (ie. clothes, together, unforgivable) on a consistent, uniform basis. The bit about the single stray tear made me laugh, and probably wasn't supposed to; I would have erred on the side of describing him feeling tears threatening to come, feeling his eyes sting, or really anything. Single tears are kinda relegated to the realm of the intentionally silly. Anyhow. In conclusion, I can't suggest anything about plot yet to come, because I don't know how you've changed it. Having a coherent idea from the start about what direction you want things to go in is a good idea, though- I go through all sorts of mental revisions and I'm horribly lazy about ever writing down brainstorming lists or crap like that, but I do my best to know where I want the story to go, long before I actually get to writing the individual parts. I do waffle over a lot of things up until the point I'm writing them down (which is one of the reasons I check my story repeatedly before posting, the last thing I want is to have to retcon something major, or forget important plot points weeks after I started and look foolish because of it), but the broad direction of a story is more or less hammered out before I start adding on side-plots, extra vignettes, or incidental tangents that I thought were funny. That isn't to say I don't change things as I go along, though; sometimes a better way of getting things done occurs to me, or something just seems to fall into place over time. Well, I'm rambling. Hope this helps, anyhow.