good start. I want to read the next chapter. but why break the fourth wall? It was funny, but its just kinda stuck there since most of the fic is in third person introspective, but never really through his eyes. At that point hes talking directly to us. it just kinda cut the flow. And also, where are they? it sounds like 2fort since you added the bridge part, but that would be the only clue. You make it sound much bigger, if so, how much bigger? What buildings are there,? how many and what do they look like? though that may just be the description fag in me wanting descriptions of the surroundings. do you have a Beta to read over your work? It helps when someone else attacks your work. To see it in a different light then you since YOU can see exactly what is happening with the characters and what their environment looks like in your mind, but others sadly cannot, which sucks. I myself have plenty of trouble with this. Also, When trying to figure out how to write accents, youtube the voice clips from the game and listen to how they pronounce things when you are writing their lines. though i think you did alright. though research is everyone's best friend. look up slang for the time periods and the character's country of origin. adds a bit to their 'voice'