1. Get dumped by boyfriend 2. Go on two three hour long flights 3. ??? 4. Profit And by profit I mean write this installment several days later than planned. Sorry guys! But as you can see it's been one hell of a week for me. Anyway, I'm sorry if my mediocre mood has had any negative effects on this part, but after scrapping the whole thing once already, I don't think I have it in me to change it anymore. So without further ado, I present: Ten Things You Should Know if You Want to Fuck Heavy 1. Sex, for Heavy, is sort of like a form of maintenance, which is why he’s almost unbearably gentle at times. To him, the human body is not so very different from the complicated machinery of his guns. Both need a little TLC from time to time to keep them in perfect running order. 2. However, if you’re looking for penetrative sex, Heavy is just not your guy. He’s never seen the appeal of it, whether it’s giving or receiving. Heavy enjoys other pleasures – hand jobs are great, but he’s especially fond of intercrural sex. The smooth slide of skin over skin – as opposed to the rough intrusion of penetration – is the best feeling in the world. 3. Heavy is a romantic at heart. You don’t need to promise to marry the guy, but a flower? Some candles? They go a long way. 4. Heavy cuddles. Hope you don’t have plans for after sex, because you’re not going anywhere. 5. Surprisingly, Heavy is a quiet lover. It isn’t that he’s not passionate; rather, he’s scared. Heavy is an amalgamation of languages. There’s Russian, of course, and English, but also German, Polish, and a little bit of French. DorogoÄ. Liebling. Kochanie. Cheri. Love. He doesn’t want to call out the wrong name. 6. On that note, it should probably be mentioned that he falls a little bit in love with everyone he sleeps with. Not a deep, obsessive live, nor a heartbreaking, tragic love, but a genuine love, nonetheless. He can’t help it; sex is the best way to intimately know a person, and once he’s at that point, why not go just one step further? 7. Heavy has a lot of love to go around. He lives by the motto, “the more the merrier,†and tries to follow it in every aspect of his life. This is just one of those times when you need to be blunt. If you don’t want to have an orgy, just say so to his face. He won’t get it, otherwise. 8. Because he never took to English that well (it was, after all, his fourth language), Heavy is often mistaken for being as slow mentally as he is physically. The truth is, he’s quite the intellectual. In post-coital conversation, he likes to wax philosophic, whether it be Marx and Lenin, Herzen and Chaadaev, or Tolstoy and Dostoevsky. Whether you listen or participate in the discourse is up to you. He just needs someone to talk to. 9. Under his bed, Heavy keeps a constant stash of vodka that could rival Demoman’s supply of Scrumpy. This he saves for the nights when the homesickness gets to be too much for him. On these nights, you can still have sex, but you should just be aware that when he’s jerking you off, he’s looking for home in your arms. 10. Whatever else you want to say about him, Heavy is warmer than any blanket on a cold night. And cold nights come often in this war. Thanks for reading! Next up is Demoman. -Insidiae-