One concrit coming up: From the writing style, it was sometimes hard for me to tell the overall intelligence/learning of Angelcaptive. On one hand, she's a captive with few memories of her previous life; on the other hand, she sometimes uses pretty phrases like "lilting and syncopated" and "fragments fly around like leaves in a teacup," even though you wouldn't expect a sheltered slave to have such eloquence. Does the medic allow her to read? Maybe it can explicitly be stated that she likes forming poetic phrases without without remembering how she learned to do so. Or maybe one of the classes can sometimes sneak her a book and a light source without or without the Medic's permission. (The Heavy does have that pHD in Russian literature.) Basically, I think the captive should either use simpler language or there should be an explanation for her relatively strong grasp of language. My other suggestion is to ask for even more detail in a couple of places than is already there. Perhaps you can explain what things Demoman says that Angelcaptive can't understand, or give examples on the scandalous things Spy says about his teammates. >.> What I would most like to see is a description of how the Sniper shows that he "lives and breathes with guilt," especially since it seems that the Sniper drove Angelcaptive to the base out of the kindness of his heart without any idea of what Medic would do to her. There's a lot of potential for implied delicious psychological torment there.