If tf2chan of all places can't foster criticism, I don't know where can. This isn't my kind of story, but it's compelling and it's got me still here after so long. My criticism is that it's unneccessary to capitalise words for intonation in speech... if you must emphasise a word, italicise it. It's really not neccessary though as the reader will add their own intonation and unless it's a really important unusual word being emphasised, you don't need to control it so much.