Do you have a beta reader? You've got interesting ideas and plenty of potential, but you've also got a lot of confusing wording, insubstantial plot development and jumping around, which makes it pretty difficult to figure out what's going on. It happens on a lot of levels, from simple word choice to the basic structure of the plot, so I'm thinking you'd benefit quite a lot from having somebody follow you through your process, from outline to final draft, and let you know where you're going wrong.