This was good, not the best thing I've read but how long have I been on TF2chan? 2..? 3 years? Who knows. What I do know is it isn't perfect but it's definitely /not/ bad. I think most of your problem is awkward wording, words that, yeah, /mean/ what you want to say but don't really fit the mood. Also, something you should think about is using words not just in the dialogue that the character would actually say. I don't mean that you have to write in first person and no other P.O.V. is allowed but just some little things, basically don't write anything the character /wouldn't/ say and make sure you can at least somewhat unawkwardly say it out loud to yourself. Back to awkwardness- though, maybe my mind is just still mixed up in the high school habit of giggling whenever you hear things like 'anus' but being able to seriously say things like 'ass'. I don't want to make this too much longer or go back and find exact instances where I found these flaws, so I'll leave you these two links and remind you that considering things I've read this was great and I'd love to see more from you. http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2006/week6/index.html http://www.literotica.com/s/writing-quality-sex-scenes