|1||Afterwards, cont'd.||189||23 July 2014 13:20|
|2||The Terror of the MilkMenn||7||15 July 2014 05:08|
|3||Looking for an old fic||3||23 May 2014 11:23|
|4||Dotchan's Massive Text Tump Thread||118||12 May 2014 02:48|
|5||Devil With A Blue Dress||47||10 May 2014 11:35|
|6||Mercenary morning||1||6 March 2014 19:02|
|7||The TF2's have dinner||20||24 February 2014 03:42|
|8||Request Thread Go!||123||13 February 2014 04:10|
|9||Melusine||1||23 January 2014 03:38|
|10||TF2chan Secret Santa Exchange 2013||1||7 December 2013 05:33|
|11||The Lessons v2.1 - HOLY SHIT NEW CHAPTERS||8||19 November 2013 21:25|
|12||Enlightening the World||4||10 November 2013 06:56|
|13||GHOST STORIES FROM TEUFORT aka prepare to deploy piss puddles||3||26 October 2013 03:11|
|14||As Time Goes By||6||23 October 2013 23:03|
|15||The Nucleus Incident - IT RISES AGAIN||10||22 October 2013 04:32|
|New Thread | All Threads|
Hey everybody! The last thread for Afterwards is now no longer bumping, so it's time for a new thread.
Don't forget to read Reunion here: http://dotchan.com/?p=1876
And Afterwards parts 1-12 here: http://dotchan.com/?p=2096
Sorry about the amount of time that goes between updates, hopefully the wait will be shorter next time.
“… And that’s about everything I know about it, really.” Engineer gave a sigh. “I was hopin’ this would be about where you’d come in…”
“I see,” said Ilse. She took a sip of her coffee, her expression hard to read; straight-faced as usual. “Zis is all… very interesting.”
My internet was out last night, but it hasn't been out. And yes, I did sell some artwork at a con this year, and hope to sell more later this year. And no, I didn't update and not put it on the chan.
Honestly I feel like I have bitten off way more than I can chew with this story and I am becoming more doubtful that I'll ever finish. I've lost a lot of my enthusiasm for the story and each update ends up leaving me scrambling to keep up with it as far as my characterization is concerned. That, and I've been finding it hard to get motivated to do much of anything lately.
I don't know if I'm going to work on it. I guess it's on hiatus.
If I change my mind, I'll let you guys know.
Summary: a prior RED team discovers something sinister going on at their base.
Apologies if the prologue is too long...i wanted to channel current TF2 events to lead into this one
Prologue: Australia at Night
Four figures sit around a campfire, roasting chunks of bear meat and 35 year old hot dogs on wattle sticks. Surrounding them is the vast darkness of the Australian Outback at night. In the distance, a dingo howls, and the youngest of the group, the Scout, darts his eyes nervously.
"Aww geez," he whines. "Why couldn't've Snipes come from someplace nicer...like with butterflies or fluffy bunnies?"
The large bald man from across from him, the Heavy, gives an amused smile. "Would like to be in Russia again? Leetle dog here like mouse to bear at home."
"No way!" Scout snaps, almost dropping his hot dog into the fire. "That was freakin' scary and I never wanna go back! Besides, it's way warmer here." He brings the link out of the flames, examining it for any hint of rawness before taking a bite from the end.
"Kid's got a point," Soldier smacks between mouthfuls of bear jerky. "I wouldn't set foot in your country even if it was a democracy. Though I am gonna miss the brunette with the nice bazooms."
animals were also exposed to Australium the plane the guys were in got attacked by a sugar glider on steroids
WHY DID THIS NOT MAKE IT INTO THE FIC good lawd, son, how could you leave comedy gold on the cutting room floor like that I don't even
ag ack! I'm so stupid for leaving that out...a lapse of judgment on my part because i thought the prologue was long enough as it is...-derping so hard right now-
Anyways, the way first chapter is going, there's going to be quite a lot of reading meat for you to sink teeth in, I promise.
apologies for the long wait, other events came up in life. Chapter 1 is also going to be a 2 parter, as i am currently restructuring the second half of the story. Enjoy
[b]Chapter 1: The New Medic (part one)
1964. It was the year Britain invaded America with fresh hip music, while America sent her young men to Vietnam. Hippies didn't exist in that time; instead they were called "conscientious objectors" and bathed regularly. The Civil Rights Movement was in full swing and they had just scored a victory with the Civil Rights Act of 1964, guaranteeing that no one wouldn't be discriminated against based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. But in spite of being an era of change, one feud chose to stay constant for almost a hundred years.
In the barren deserts of New Mexico, Redmond and Blutarch Mann continue their unending battle over the control of their father's lands, using hired mercenaries to carry out their dirty work. The 18 men are lorded over by a chain-smoking harpy of a woman named Helen, known more by her title of Administrator. She takes great pride in watching them blow each other up, while keeping neutral to her bosses.
But the story does not begin there as it normally would. Instead, it takes place hundreds of miles to the north and east, in the state of Wisconsin. A land of beer, cheese and savage wilderness, Wisconsin was a perfect storm of harsh conditions--from below freezing, blizzard weather in the winter, to hot, mosquito infested summers. Located in the central part of the state is Adams County, a rural area with equal parts farmland and thick pine forest. In one such dense forest, an old gravel logging trail leads to a forbidding chain link fence topped with both barbed and electrified wire. A sign on the gate warns that the area belongs to TF Industries, and trespassing is punishable by death. Through the gate, the road travels almost a mile before it splits in two; each one leading to opposite sides of a clearing where there are two large dairy barns-one red and one blue- situated about 50 apart from each other. They, too, are surrounded by a 10 foot fence of sheet metal wit
I can't remember where it was from, but basically it is after the war and the mercs all get together. Pyro has dies and Medic steals the body to analyse it.
Turns out that pyro was a robot the whole time and Engie is devastated
I would appreciate it if anyone knows this one, I have been looking for it forever...
I guess this is the fic you are looking for :)
New board + new thread = copy pasta of old stuff that I was sort of working on.
The now ex-Pyro stared back like a deer in the headlights, her mouth opening and closing several times before any words could come out. "What? Why?"
The Announcer rolled her eyes and exhaled a long stream of smoke. "It's in the rulebook under 'Don't Have Sex With the Enemy'. Look it up."
"I am well aware of the so-called 'extenuating circumstances', because otherwise you would have just been shown the door with no hope of ever regaining meaningful employment anywhere in the world. All the arrangements have already been made." The Announcer gestured, and the suited escorts made their presence known once more. "Your personal affects will be sent to you via parcel post."
The Announcer drummed her fingers on the table while she waited for the room to clear, tuning out the feeble protests. Then she pressed the buzzer to call the next offender into her office.
The first time the Pyro failed to return to base along with the rest of the team, they had assumed that she was chasing down stragglers to give them one last well-deserved toasting before the round ended and went about their business. It wasn't until almost a week later, when a thorough search of the territories they controlled turned up empty that any of them thought to check the video feeds being sent back to Headquarters for evaluation, and that was when they realized that the last mission the Pyro was seen participating in had been a trap laid by the other side to capture her.
Ooop, I've been meaning to leave my thoughts on this for a while but I've just not had the time. Which was frustrating, because for someone who leaves so much critique for others you more than deserve some in return. So here we go!
Firstly, I really like where this is going. Overall, inclusive of your previous work, you've got a great knack for setting up the scene and getting the reader to feel for the characters. It makes your work a delight to read. I especially enjoy when you employ punchy sentences, like in >>111 and >>113 to use more recent examples.
So reading >>115 though getting me excited for where it's headed, feels a lot more... rough in comparison to some of your earlier work. As you noted at the beginning of the post, the sentences are quite long and could very easily be cut into smaller, manageable sizes. The beginning especially suffers from having such a long starting sentence, because your hook gets swallowed by everything else that is going on. You could try something like...
What initial camaraderie existed between the two factions disappeared as swiftly as it had formed. Once clear that the situation was not as dire as anyone had feared, both sides realised they could handle the worst that Grey threw at them on their own. All without having to grit their teeth and work with those they'd been trying to kill for what felt like years. ...
Of course, if going with this kind of introduction, you would want to reword a part of the second paragraph to show the shift in focus to BLU team.
The rest of the fic, as I said before, could do with shortening those long sentences to make it an easier read. But other than that, I haven't got any real complaints. I enjoyed it and want the next section already!
Bleh, procrastinated on this long enough. Putting Solly's fate on a cliffhanger instead, so that I can ponder where he actually ends up once BLU decides to put the band back together.
Whenever his own Demoman would ranted and raved that the government was attempting to control its population via tampering with the water supply--as if Uncle Sam would ever need to stoop so low--Soldier would in turn laugh off the absurd notion. But now that he was about to embark on his own in what must have been enemy territory, he figured it would be better to be safe than sorry. So in addition to the Dispenser he'd strapped to his back (Engie wasn't all too happy about letting Soldier have one of his babies, and in addition to a wall of words that the Soldier tuned out, gave Soldier a list of maintenance manual that must have been at least as thick as a New York phone directory and then some), Soldier packed all of the food and drink he could carry and made his way towards what he hoped to be one of the many emergency bunkers that were rumored to exist in case of events such as the situation they faced now. Even if everyone had agreed to not take action against the new head of Mann Co. ("That's Awesome Supremo Madame President Olivia to you, minion!"), Soldier figured their former employer owed them some answers. This wasn't a desired fueled by money; his service to BLU had never been about anything other than fighting the good fight. But ever since the first time BLU stopped existing in any meaningful manner, no matter how many robots he destroyed he couldn't stop laying awake at night wondering what purpose all of that screaming, exploding, and dying was for.
And now, left to his own devices, a stranger in a strange land, and running out of edible things no matter how much care he took to rationing his supplies, Soldier found his mind drifting more and more to places they'd ought not to go. Dark, traitrous thoughts he had no business entertaining even in his wildest dreams bubbled to the surface; the hallucination Tavish who'd appeared to him somewhere between Bumfuck, Nowhere and Admit It, You're Lost refused to go away
Eh, I wanted to edit those chapters, anyway. One more time with feeling!
A mysterious woman in blue recruits the nine classes
Devil With A Blue Dress
“I got the German; it wasn’t difficult.”
The woman in blue glanced at her left arm where a bandage was hidden beneath her jacket’s sleeve.
"The man in the red suit closed his eyes and let out a sigh, his features losing their ferocity as the intensity evaporated from him. When he opened his eyes again and met hers, a weary sadness bordered his words. 'Why, petite? Why?'"
Excuse me for a moment while my heart breaks...
I don't know how to explain myself without sounding like an utter sap, but this was sad.
Not gut wrenchingly boohoo sad, but a subtle pull at the heartstrings, just enough for it to hurt.
This was worth the wait, in my opinion, but right now I'm at the edge of my seat for Scout's story.
Ever since finding out who the mysterious blue woman was, his is the one I'm anticipating the most.
Hello, here is a set of oneshots featuring what looks like a morning before a mission for each of the mercenaries. I start with The Sniper.
The sun's rays passed through the window and came tickling his eyelids. He always parked his van facing east, just as the rising sun could wake him without fault at the earliest hours of the day. Mundy passed mechanically hand over his eyes, to protect them from light. « Gah... »
Awakenings were always difficult when you slept badly and you were woken up earlier and earlier, blame it that fucking sun and fucking summer approaching. He scratched his cheek he hesitated to classify it between rough and prickly, yawned longly, snapped a few shots his doughy tongue and fumbled for a jar in the close proximity to his cramped couchette. Urge to piss and too lazy to go down and out. And then it will make him an extra weapon. The mere idea of swinging the jar on the suit of that fucking degenerate Frenchie gave him an even more pleasant relief. It was once down from his bunk that the Aussie could extend his long limbs and his six feet three inches. There's nothing to else to say, the van was a place where he could be cushy, travel wherever he wanted, cram 57 Asian cheap whores together into it, but for some real space, you can come back an another day. The smallness of his bed forced him to sleep legs bent and whenever he realized that it looked like a spycrab, it annoyed him so much that he chucked sleeping bag out and he was going to sleep on the roof.
Mundy mechanically sought something to peck in the reduced space where he put his canned food but his hand met only a beer. A Foster's, not one of those junks that other countries brew and worth even less than his piss, no, a real Australian beer. But this will not fill his stomach. He had to go out and hunt something. It turned out then be reduced to seek his clothes between his bed and sofa, sniff them in order to check the odor and inhaled the hints of gun powder, wet tissue, soil and urine, and the musky scent of his own sweat. Critters would smell him miles away, he had to place himself in the opposite direction to the wind, because he did not have the time or
Dearest TF2chanlings, whilst working on a t-shirt design, I found this gem of a "wtf-fic" on the Steam forums.
"The TF2's have dinner" by Bobby Road.
They go to TGIF.
Scout orders a pepsi and a chicken nugget.
Soldier has a beer and steak.
Pyro just drink.
Demoman has pasta and alcohol drink.
Heavy orders two things cause he is fat.
Engineer a briskit.
Medic is eat fried steak.
Sniper has fried steak too, its good. And coffee cause he's tired.
Spy has oyster and French drink.
>>17 It might just be "Heavy eats a lot because he is the fat guy and his entire character is that he is fat and also dumb because English is his second language and he can't possibly be intelligent".
Which is a characterization that always got on my nerves.
Necrobump but I ain't even mad. How the fuck did I miss this the first time.
Still trying to wrap my head around the final sentence which I am positive contains the most profound nugget of wisdom when decoded; one that will surely lead us all to enlightenment and serenity.
Last one autosaged, so it's time for a new one.
This idea just won't leave my head. Feel free to denounce it as stupid, but I keep thinking of the whole team getting teleported to feudal Japan, and somehow Demoman ends up being worshiped as a physical incarnation of Amaterasu. Meanwhile, Japan has no idea what the fuck to make of the rest of the team, but assumes that they're with Demoterasu and so they're venerated on general principle...
I'd also love to see Scout or Soldier struggle with ceremonial robes (I think some of them had up to twelve layers).
Guess who's got more requests? (And hopes they didn't kill the thread)
-In the BtVS episode "Hush," demons referred to as "the Gentlemen" steal voices so no one can scream as they gather the hearts they need. What if this happened in 2Fort? (For an Afanfic variant, two of the team take advantage of the silence to have sex.)
-Another BtVS episode crossover: the infamous episode "Halloween."
-A fic based off the Scrubs episode "My Musical." Bonus points if there's a romantic duet.
Got some of my trademark awkward-horror to share, featuring Demo, Sniper, and a monster!Spy that may or may not be fem!Spy. I got lazy towards the end, but I just wanted to get a few scenes out of my head, you'll know what I'm talking about. Wink.
The Sniper risked much, insisting on sleeping in his camper nearly every night, far away from the others. More than once, the Demoman tried to impress upon him the dangers that lurked beyond the protection of the base, but the Sniper scoffed at his warnings. He was born in Australia, he had encountered and bested wild creatures specifically evolved to kill a man in a variety of unpleasant ways. Nothing in the relatively tame badlands of New Mexico could possibly pose a threat to an experienced hunter such as himself.
But that was the situation before the war between RED and BLU, back when the Badlands had not yet suffered from chemical leaks or radioactive contamination, of which lead happened to be the least harmful. Up until recently, this stretch of desert had avoided the taint of dark magic, and more importantly, the can-do attitude of some very scientific, very talented intellectuals. Now everything had changed, for the worse. Monstrous beasts have attacked humanity for far pettier reasons, the Demoman knew, and he reserved no doubts that the seething nexus of magic and science centered on the battlefield had already birthed horrors too unimaginable to even contemplate for one second before the brain shut itself down out of self-preservation.
That was why he alone must wage war for his teammate’s souls against the haunts that would prey on them as they slept. For he had seen beyond the veil that separated this existence from the other dimensions, and survived. The Demoman alone knew what must be done.
It took a third of a bottle of Scrumpy to hearten his body and open his mind, which he guzzled while he girded his sword and shield and sprinkled a few drops of his mother’s protection draught over his eye and chestplate. At his waist pouch, he also tucked away salt, herbs, amulets, and a precious silver vial of water blessed by a holy hermit. And if that wer
SO WHO REMEMBERS THIS RIDICULOUSLY LONG TF2 FANFIC THAT I STARTED WRITING LITERALLY YEARS AGO AND STILL HAVEN’T FINISHED YET? BECAUSE I FINISHED A NEW CHAPTER.
If you haven’t read the rest of this series, you can find it here: http://tf2chan.net/fanfic/res/657.html
You should probably read the other chapters first, or the stuff happening in this chapter won’t make a whole lot of sense. That thread stopped bumping ages ago because it went over the post limit, so here you go, have a new thread. Comment in this one, not the old one, or I probably won't see it, and that would make me very sad indeed.
Someone paid me to write this, I should mention. I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time but unfortunately I just haven’t felt as though I have time for anything that I’m not getting paid for recently, so if it wasn’t for the wonderful person who paid me real, actual money to finish a new chapter in this fic, it would probably never have happened.
I want to finish the whole thing - there’s at least one more chapter to come - but I don’t know how long it’s going to take for it to happen. I’m sorry for that. Things are getting better now, so I’ll do my best.
Just enjoy what I have managed to write in the meantime, okay? Thanks for being so patient, everyone, and if you want to catch up with me at all you can find me far more easily at drtanner.tumblr.com, or alternatively, at drtanner-sfw.tumblr.com if you prefer your blogging experience not to be full of men's asses and dicks and men kissing other men.
I love you.
I had the other thread bookmarked and I would check every once in a while, never losing hope..
Today I realized I hadn't checked in a few weeks, so I loaded the page and scrolled down. then i cried
Thank you for writing this amazing and inspiring story <3 <3 <3
I am just... so glad to see this updated
And Ill admit this got a few fat tears from me
Im horribly tempted to go reread the rest of the Lessons now, but I dont know if I can handle all that heartbreak in one go
Filled for the promptfest, Soldier/Spy, Soldier was aghast when he found that the Statue of Liberty was French, as it says on the tin, I tried to make it a pairing, but... that was difficult, very difficult.
“What? I thought everyone knew that!”
The Soldier was so stunned by this revelation, he could not articulate much more than sputters for several seconds. “That is a lie,” he finally exclaimed, “and you all know it! I will not tolerate any filthy communist slander of our Lady Liberty! She is as 100% American as rocket-jumping. There is absolutely no possible way, I repeat, no way, she could ever be French!”
The only woman he would unquestioningly give his heart and soul to, the bronze green goddess of his beloved America, actually built in the land of cheese-eating surrender monkeys, designed by one of them. As if the cowardly French knew anything about the value of freedom! The very thought of such sacrilege made sparks scatter from his eyes, steam visibly rising from his flushed skin. But the Spy was laughing so hard, he was actually snorting and then coughing from how hard he was snorting, and the Engineer was slapping him on the back as he tried to recover his breath.
Grinding his teeth, Soldier turned to the Engineer, mutely asking support from his fellow American, but the other mercenary shook his head with a wry grin.
“It’s true, I’m afraid,” he said. “Seen the blueprints myself in the university archives, all French-”
Gahdammit, I've meaning to post my thoughts on this for a few days now but like a chump I kept forgetting. Apologies. Onward with the comment:
I really, really enjoyed this. Your turn of phrase had me smiling the whole way through, or laughing out loud when I couldn't contain myself anymore. Also dat ending.
Only had a couple of nitpicks. The first one was on the fact the mercs were in civilian disguises yet were fully armed. As funny as the mental image is, and as much as I can understand the men would become attached to their weapons, it felt like a bit of an unnecessary detail (or at least wasn't justified believably). Was there a particular reason for them to bring their weapons along?
My only other "hmmm"-inducing moment was at this point in the story:
He straightened up, an act of defense against the Spy’s increasing encroachment into his personal space, which of course only drew the Spy closer.
“Mmm, yes, I would. Shall we then?” the Spy murmured, slipping out of sight with a flick of his watch.
Unless I'm being particularly obtuse, I was led to believe Spy was enamoured by Scout's mother - why the sudden physical teasing towards Soldier? It just seems a little out of the blue having him so flirtatious, as opposed to the snide remarks he had been using until now. I also gathered from the ending he wasn't in total despair after all. Has Spy been attracted to Soldier from before this trip? Was it only their interactions in this scene that changed his mind? A little confusing, is all.
Anyway, I'm probably being pedantic. It was great. I've recommended this to a few people as well. Hope you continue to share your stories with us!
I'm not sure if you actually were waiting for an answer, but just in case anyone else was wondering and didn't read this where I originally posted it, I saw a funny prompt, wrote it real quick, then realized it was placed under the "slash pairing section" and had to crowbar the slash content in. Had I more time, I probably would have developed that with more build-up. The weapons, it was more of a jab at New York stereotypes, idk.
Artists, writers, and SFM aficionados! We've got a Halloween themed community project going on, and would love to have everyone take part!
Signups are open until October 19th, submissions due October 26th, project releases October 31st
Interested? Info and rules here: >>/dis/14088
Just a reminder that sign ups close this Saturday (the 19th)! Final submissions aren't due until Sat 26th
There's still plenty of room left in this thing! Only 11 people have signed up so far (4 of which already submitted), so come get your spook on y'all
Hello everyone (Man, it's been a while since I posted anything here). This is a short one-shot I wrote that's best summarized as fluffy Engineer/Spy. Criticism is completely welcome and encouraged! (Deleted the first posting of this because I'm a dork who forgot to capitalize the in-thread title.)
As Time Goes By (Three Words, a Cell, and a Timepiece.)
The Engineer smiled up at him.
The Spy put the revolver down and looked at him.
“Tell me. You do not smile like that unless it is something very good or very bad.”
Couple of things.
- Sometimes it's not always clear in the scenes where the characters are in relation to each other or the room that they're in. (I also tend to have that problem myself since I write a lot of scenes dialogue first before figuring out how to "set the stage", as it were.)
For example, at the beginning:
The Engineer smiled up at him. [Who? Yes, the narrative makes it clear later that this "him" is the Spy, but since this is the first sentence of your story it behooves you to introduce both of the characters by "name".]
“What?” [I presume Spy is saying this. Might want to make that more clear.]
How close are they? Are they both sitting? Are they directly looking at each other, or engaging and dis-engaging as the conversation goes on? Do they give each other their undivided attention, or are they fiddling with their hands? Etc. The more senses that are involved in the narrative, the more immersion the reader gets into the scene.
- I don't quite buy the dialogue. A lot of the things they say to each other sound more like exposition for the audience. A fully omniscient narrator (which I presume your story has) would be able to examine what both of them are thinking without the need to say things out loud; a narrator limited to one party should make it more clear that we are stuck to the perceptions of said party.
- The premise has promise, but it could use a lot of fleshing out. Do you want to tell the full arc of Spy and Engineer's relationship starting from when they first met to ending up officially together? Or do you want to focus on the moment that Spy, and then Engineer, realize what they mean to each other? Why should I care about them getting together? (I'm open to all pairings, but I tend to assume that both sides are rather hostile to their enemies, so How Did They Get Here?)
Ah, thank you very much, Anon! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yes, I was a bit worried about that, that Spy wouldn't have as strong as a character as I would have liked. I'll work on strengthening his character when I write other stories involving him. As I said in the author's note above, this was a one-shot, so unless the meaning of the term has changed without my knowledge, this is all there will be.
Oh, thank you so very much, Mawaru! That means a lot, coming from you. I’m glad you enjoyed the bit. Thank you again. And yes, I do like writing the Engineer as a man who would check every possible junction for error. I'm glad you enjoyed that.
Thank you for taking the time to write out crit, Dotchan! I agree, I was a bit lazy on writing scenes. Thank you for calling me on that, because lord knows I’m out of practice with writing. However, I do have to question your point about the dialogue. What about it sounds artificial? I do not doubt the validity of your claim; I would just like some examples and ways to improve on making the dialogue more ‘believable.’
As for your third point, this is true. However, I did state that it was a one-shot at the top, which means that it won’t be continued. Thank you again for your crit!
Since you asked, here's some more detailed feedback on specific lines of dialogue.
“Tell me. You do not smile like that unless it is something very good or very bad.”
- Spy's inconsistent use of contractions (he alternates between "do not" and "don't" several times) can be used as a characterization plot point. How does he talk normally? Does he have an "on job" and "off job" way of talking? Is he the type to put on airs even around his friends? Or is it a sign that he's emotionally withdrawn into himself?
- This is more of a personal opinion thing, but Spy's dialogue in particular doesn't "sound like" my perception of him. At this point in the story I don't know a thing about your particular version of Spy, so I'm assuming the default canon modes of behavior, and I don't see Spy as the type to be straightforward. Asking such a direct question would be tantamount to admitting that he doesn't already know the answer. To me, Spy's the type to want to know everything about everyone else while remaining as secretive about himself as possible. In the context of this story, that would make for some delicious inner conflict.
“Actually, that is not the date I mark. The one I mark is the one where you stopped trying to kill me when I showed up in your workshop or at your home after battle hours.”
- Again, this is mostly opinion, but the "flow" of the dialogue seems off in a way that I don't know how to explain properly: when I read it out loud, the syllables don't play well with each other. The second sentence in particular doesn't seem like it can be spoken in one breath (and there's no apparent way to parse it to have a pause for breath).
- (Addendum: Yes, I do try to read all of my dialogue, if not all of my narrative, out loud. When I do that, I realize that it doesn't sound nearly as good as it did in my own head.)
- This sentence is pretty much here solely for expositioning at the audience. What is Spy thinking when
I bet you thought this was gone for good, didn't you? Well it's back, and I'm re-writing it from the ground up to fix errors in flow, update characterizations, and generally make it more enjoyable to read.
And for the love of sanity, tag your spoilers. I'm sure there are plenty of people who didn't read this the first time around.
“Alert! The control point is being contested!”
“Not today, maggots!” The RED Soldier chuckled, swiftly kicking a chunk of what had been the BLU Heavy off of his control point. His smirk grew wider as he looked over the edge and saw the BLU Medic, his body caught on the criss-crossing pipes, crackling with the energy of an undeployed Ubercharge. That lousy Kraut would be dangling from those pipes like a limp sock until the end of the round. And with just a few BLUs left alive, it wouldn’t be too long before respawn activated, and the full humiliation of death by crit rocket would hit like a… a crit rocket!
But there was little time for gloating on the battlefield. An arrow embedded itself in the point next to Soldier as he ducked instinctively, stowing his rocket launcher on his back and taking out his trusty shotgun. Today he was taking no chances. This was, after all, an Arena battle. And by God, he loved it! Nothing made him feel more alive than knowing that a slightly extended death waited around every corner! Let your guard down for even a second, and it could mean the difference between a victory and the sting of humiliating defeat-!
Soldier cried out in pain, putting his hand to the side of his head, feeling the sting of an open wound and the ragged edge of where his ear had been. Another arrow shuddered, the tip embedded in the metal just above him, covered in fresh blood - his blood! That tree-hugging hippie and his all-natural, free-range, grass-fed bow made him bleed his own blood! Standing up to confront his target, he regretted his decision as soon he saw the glint of the BLU’s arrowhead, pulled back and ready to fire. Stumbling clumsily as remembered who he was up a
Actually, one thought was to have the BLUs as protagonists, and possibly get their powers before the REDs.
Please update soon!
I'll be honest with you, Faust - uploading to TF2chan is really, really annoying, because I'm stuck using BBcode to add my italics, and even then the formatting often screws up. And the site is so dead that uploading my stuff here is a really, really low priority right now. Next to no-one is reading. Nobody is commenting.
If you want immediate updates go here -> http://thenucleusincident.tumblr.com/ But otherwise you'll have to wait until I can be bothered to go through 4000+ words and tag up my stuff. And right now, I can't be.